Monday, March 31, 2014

March 31, 2014

Greetings everyone! I hope you've had a wonderful weekend and a happy Monday. I enjoyed taking time for myself over the weekend to get away from everything and relax. I still have my usual anxiety about starting a new week, but today has been good.

I'm looking forward to sharing some of the thoughts and epiphanies that I've had over the weekend. As always, I hope to hear from you as well. Your comments are always an inspiration to me. It's getting pretty late, so this post will be short. My eating is still not where it needs to be, but I am making progress with my exercises to be committed to myself and the things that I need to do to achieve healing and a healthier relationship with myself and food.

It's has been difficult to do anything favorable for myself. Even simple things like oiling my skin a couple times a day or exercising for 5 minutes per day. I find as I continue working to love myself that I am becoming more aware of myself and the things that I find favorable about myself. I've been thinking about the little girl within. No, I have not written a letter to her yet. I've been dealing with feelings of anger towards my parents and I don't know if I should address those feelings in my letter. There is a profound sense of loss...a life wasted on nothing but survival. I think about the many talents that I had as a child and lost over the course of time. My mind drifts into thoughts of what I could have been had I had loving supportive parents. Would I have been an accomplished musician, author of a book, psychologist, anything I could have put my mind too? Would I have done well at Princeton or Yale, two schools that I was on track for, before throwing in the towel due to my parents lack of interest and support. I wanted to beat myself up for not trying harder, but how could I? I'd been fighting for survival all my life. I was tired of fighting. Instead I gave into physical needs, such as self medicating with food or alcohol.

I spent most of my adulthood blaming my parents for my lack of success. It all comes down to my inability to see my own self worth. To see myself as capable of attending any university that I desired if I just did the work. I gave up on myself. I gave up on life. I find myself wishing that I could turn back time to regain some of what was lost. I can't see being able to accomplish all that I could have I'm so much older and very tired. Will I be able to accomplish even a faction of what I once was capable of? I don't know. Dare I say it seems impossible. I have so much work to do on myself and so many responsibilities to my son and business. How will I ever manage to have the time and strength and commitment it takes to accomplish anything else? I'm not going to worry about that now. I can't. I feel the weight of this burden getting heavy and I don't need that right now. Stay focused. Only take on that which is necessary for today.

As I was saying earlier. Asides from exploring feelings of anger and loss, I also noticed some improvement of my ability to do healthy things for myself. I have acute eczema which requires putting time into skin daily regimens. I must put on steroid cream and moisturizers several times a day. Prior to this past weekend, it was like pulling teeth to take time for this task. I'd put it off later and later in the day until I'd sometimes go to bed without moisturizer or medicine at all. I've done this quite a few times and have regretted it everytime. This weekend, I found it easier and less of a trial to do. Even when my mind tried to tell me to put it off, I found the strength to say, "No, I will not put this off. It's only going to take a couple minutes and then I'll be done." Again, I know this is a small thing, but when you are damaged to the point where even the small things are colossal, all measures of improvement are cause to celebrate. One tiny step for huge step toward repairing my broken heart and spirit.

Another accomplishment that I experienced over the weekend was having cake in the house and not being triggered to binge. I actually bought one of those Sara Lee butter pound cakes last week because I was craving something sweet, but didn't want anything too sweet. Pound cake was just the thing. In the past, if I had cake in the house I would cut a slice everytime I walked by, but not this time. This time was different. I had a slice of cake after my evening meals and that would be good enough. I seem to be having less and less cravings for sweets and when I do, I only want a small amount. I've even purchased take out 3 times this past week and did order extra food for a binge. One time we had chicken with okra, and fries, another night we had hoagies. I could barely finish half of my sandwich and surprisingly had the other half for the next day...not my late night snack. We also had burgers on Tuesday. I didn't enjoy it. I'm thinking that I want to take a break from burgers for awhile. That's pretty huge.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm not at the point where I'm eating as much as I'd like during the day, but I am doing well with eating much less at night. My late night snacks are shrinking in size as well. The struggle with daytime eating is getting a little worse. I'm experiencing many ups and downs with that, but I'm still holding strong. This week I will focus more on eating better during the day. Since I'm becoming more receptive to doing better for myself, maybe I will have an easier time convincing myself to eat. Hmm, convincing myself to eat. I think that's the first time I've ever put it into words. Okay, another note to self. Be aware of difficulty levels as I work on convincing myself to eat during the day.

I'm hoping to soon include exercise in my daily routine. Once I am able to establish a healthy exercise routine, I will begin posting about weight loss progress. Trust me, I'm going to need all the support I can get when that time comes. Losing weight is a huge issue for me. We'll talk about that more when the time comes.

Today was not a good eating day even though the day went well. I ate a pack of cheese and chive crackers around 3:30pm. I ate another meal consisting of a small portion of left over veggies and mac-n-cheese around 5:40pm. I have not eaten anything else. It is 9:26pm. It's got to get better. Glad I'm able to feed my son better than I feed myself.

Well, it seems that I had more to say than I originally intended. I'm so glad that I took the time to write this post tonight. I don't want to wimp out or take too long of a break from blogging. Especially since blogging has been so instrumental when processing my feelings and difficulties.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

7 Things to Remember When You Think You’re Not Good Enough by Madison Sonnier

Good afternoon everyone! I came across a post on a blog written by Madison Sonnier on a wonderful page Beating Eating Disorders. It is an excellent post! I would imagine her blog is excellent to. Planning on following her. Here's the link.

7 Things to Remember When You Think You’re Not Good Enough

When you get the chance stop by Beating Eating Disorder's page. They have a lot of good information and videos there.

Friday, March 28, 2014

March 28, 2014

I'm loving how my study on commitment is making me feel. There is new vision and new direction before me...a hurdle crossed. But just because the hurdle is behind me doesn't mean that I've conquered the task. Not just yet. It means that the problem has been identified and solutions are being put in place.

I've always looked at problems as an invitation to meet solutions. We would never know or need solutions if we never had problems. It's a mirrored situation. Some may even say they would prefer not to have problems. If we never had problems or hardships how would be able to fully appreciate the good things in life. If everything was always good we could potentially become board with our existence or at best live completely benign lives like mindless drones. Imagine that...

Inhale and exhale... I'm breathing in fresh air. Taking it all deep inside. Do you think things like commitment are talked about in therapy? I'd certainly hope so. I know that I'll be bringing it up in my therapy session, but I still wonder if this is something therapists would put on the table if the client doesn't mention it themselves. Would it be part of the therapeutic scope? I don't know. That's something to consider if you have a therapist. It might be interesting to talk this out with them.

I kept my word. There is a little sign taped to my bathroom mirror, "When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard." I continue to say these words to myself over and over again. It feels strange saying it, but it also feels like I'm on the right path. No need to rush, it's going to take more than a couple nights to learn how to love myself. Commitment requires patience. I will have to be patient with myself or else I'll get frustrated and give up again. Don't want to do that...

I'm committed to working on opening up my heart to myself, my current self and the wounded little girl inside. Several months ago, I talked to my therapist about this. We both agreed that writing a letter to the little girl inside would be a good thing. I want to get to know her, embrace her and tell her she is loved and everything is going to be okay. I've since lost the courage to attempt this encounter, that is until recently. I didn't realize that I could not tell her I loved her because I did not love myself. I may not be there yet, but I want to be. I want to love my whole self and that is something I have the courage to say to the little girl inside.

When I came up with the plan was to write a letter to myself, I wasn't sure what I would say. Now, I have an idea, an actual direction. It took months of working on myself before I could come to this point. So I'll start off by introducing myself to her and go from there. I have no idea what will be said after that. I might even surprise myself. I think this is something I should work on this weekend. Not sure If I'll publish my letter or not. It all depends...on what...I don't know.

Have any of you ever thought of writing a letter to yourselves? It may seem a little strange, but it's no stranger than talking to yourself when you are trying to cope with a situation or trying to sort something out. Actually, a letter to yourself would be more intimate. I think having an intimate existence with yourself is the way to learn to love yourself. Isn't it easier to love that which you feel an intimate connection to. I don't mean anything sexual. What I'm talking about is being personal, relevant, attached to yourself as you would be in other relationships. It's so easy to look at outer relationships and completely neglect having a relationship with ourselves. Isn't it important to be able to embrace ourselves? I think so.

This is the year of courage. Today I will have the courage to reach out to myself in an intimate way so that I may feel love for myself and be committed to myself with my whole heart.

I didn't eat breakfast today.'s not good, but it's okay. I'm not feeling sad, but exhilarated. Exited to have new direction and more hope. Exited about my new understanding of commitment and the endless possibilities. is happiness even elation that I feel. I ate a pack of cheese crackers while writing this post. It was after 2pm. I've also eaten scrambled eggs and two slices of toast with a cup of water. For dinner I will cook seared chicken breast, mixed veggies and mac-n-cheese.

Last night I did not have a pre-measured snack because I did not cook. I was worried that I might be triggered to binge. I was not. Instead when the hunger came I ate a pack of Nekot cookies and was satisfied. I went to sleep shortly afterwards and woke up this morning feeling change. I hope it lasts.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Read All About It Part III

Depth of Commitment - March 27, 2014

As I continue seeking and searching self to determine what commitment means to me I find that commitment is much deeper and more profound than I ever thought. It has it's own diversities and comes in layers. Layers that can work in harmony or work against each other. Even though commitment can be a strong emotion on it's own, it can also be easily lost amidst other emotions.

Let's look at the differences between being committed to being healthier as opposed to being committed to doing the things it takes to be healthier or vice versa and the importance of having balance between the two. It is extremely important to have balance between all layers of commitment.

Within myself I've identified several layers of commitment. Overall commitment to being healthier and individual commitment to each task that it takes to achieve a healthier relationship with myself and food. These commitments combined become a tightly woven thread. If there are any weaknesses in the thread of commitment, the thread will soon break. It is vital for me to examine tasks or goals that I set for yourself to determine how much of a commitment I'm taking on. There may be instances when tasks and goals may need to be modified in order to have a level of commitment that is comfortable for me.

I recognize that I am not strong enough to take on too many commitments. It is established that my strongest commitments are wanting to be healthier and trying to be healthier. Improvements have been made, but I keep back sliding. Some of it is natural and a good portion of it is because something is blocking me from trying harder to succeed. What's blocking me?

I ask myself questions. In order for this step to work I will have to be completely honest with myself.

1. Is it important to me that I eat right?   Yes.
2. Have I achieved a healthier relationship with food?  No, not yet.
3. Am I committed to eating healthier?  Yes.
4. Have I been successful in consistently eating healthier?   No.
5. What's stopping me?  I do not have hunger sensations as I should during the day. I do, but only if I begin eating at certain times. Even though I know this, I still do not push myself to eat at those times. I'll do well for awhile and then I fall back into old habits as I have done today and the past several days.
6. Are you committed to eating at a healthier time? I am committed to trying to eat at a healthier time, but it is also very easy to ignore myself when I tell myself I should eat. It' way too easy to ignore. Eating is not that much of a priority for me on most days even though it makes me feel good when I do better on other days.

Stop right here! Time to assess why eating is not important even though I have committed to trying to eat at a healthier time. I'm committed to trying, but not being consistent with pushing myself when it becomes difficult. This is the reason I keep falling into the circle of failure, because I am committed to the cause, but not committed to the task.

What does it take to become committed to the task? I imagine it would be having the ability to make a commitment to myself first and not just being committed to wanting to change something about myself.

Do you remember the definition of commitment from the Urban Dictionary? Here it is again. Pay close attention to the bolded sentence at the end. I'm going stand in front of a mirror and say those words to myself, because I find no other words to be truer then that sentence when it comes to commitment and I want to be true to myself...committed to myself.

Commitment is what
Transforms the promise into reality.
It is the words that speak
Boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak
Louder than the words.
It is making the time
When there is none.
Coming through time
After time after time,
Year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff
Character is made of;
The power to change
The face of things.
It is the daily triumph
Of integrity over skepticism.

When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard.

by Ashbash January 13, 2005
This very sentence is exactly what I need to be saying to myself everyday. As a matter of fact, I'm going to print it out and tape it to my bathroom mirror, which is one of the few mirrors I'm willing to see myself in. Loving myself is one of the hardest accomplishments to achieve, but I am going to commit myself to working to love myself even when it's hard. Right now it's hard to love myself all the time. My hope is that is will get easier.

In everything that I have ever been committed to I have succeeded in. I'm aware of this now. Never have I looked at commitment the way that I'm looking at it today. I've learned something else about myself. When I am committed, I am committed with my whole heart and I am not able to see failure. This is the key to winning my battles. I must first become committed to myself with my whole heart and then one by one I will be able to commit to everything else.

The day will come when I will not be afraid of failure, because I will not see failure.

Today I ate a pack of cheese and chive crackers with a cup of water. I began eating at 1:27pm. It is now 3:58pm. I will eat a small bowl of spaghetti left over from last night's dinner. I'm not sure what I will cook today. I just know for sure that I will not be ordering take out.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Happy Anniversary - March 25, 2014

February 25, 2014. One month ago today I was sitting at my computer feeling utterly defeated and lost. I wanted to write something...anything, but there was nothing. I'd run out of things to say. Opening all of my blogs, I wait...waited in silence for a pulse. Thoughts of events from past weeks, months and years streamed through my mind and still nothing. I thought, should I wipe the slate clean. Start over again. I've tried lending myself to the thought of waiting for direction, but direction never came...not really. With each post the strain to find the words or some measure of feeling increased. Desperate to reach others, I neglected to see that I had not reached myself. I'm still reaching... I closed all of the blogs accept the one called "Night Eating Syndrome." The last post was dated June 22, 2013.

A threshold of discovery was before me. I couldn't see it. Couldn't fathom it. Time stands still as I lift my hands and place them on the keyboard. Tears well in my eyes as I pray to God to let me feel something...see something...say something...tangible. And then there was a shift. I felt a lifting as if a lid opened slightly allowing a little part of me to escaped. Soon after, there was vision for a blog long since dead, now resuscitated. A new post ready to publish. The shift not yet complete. When something dies and is reborn it is no longer the same. It is renewed and therefore needs a new name, "Eating My Pain." Yes, that's what I've been doing all along. Thank you God!! Relief.

I realized I was ready. Finally ready to face the whole ugly truth behind my hurtful habits. I wanted nothing more than to let everything flow from the most honest part of my being. No matter what, I will speak my truth. I will write as if no one is reading. That is the promise I made to myself that day. And so I began. And here we are.

Today in honor of our first month anniversary, I am going to write a post by request. A dear friend suggested that I write about the things that I like about myself. This is no easy task. I was thrilled when I first read her request and then immediately went into panic. I rarely ever think about what I like about myself. In fact, after giving this request careful thought I still find it difficult to think about things I like about myself.

This year is the year of courage. I knew it before the new year came in. I am having to deal with obstacles from a deeper source. There's no more façade. All superficial layers have been pulled back, exposing mental and emotional scars. That being said,

The first thing that I will list that I like about myself is my God given ability to assess, process and build therapies and coping skills for all of my issues.

I like the unique way I think about things and how I am able to see literal truths even though truths are sometimes ugly.

I like the strength of my mind even though it has dimmed a little with age.

I like having regained my ability to express myself through poetry and other writings.

I like having an ability to tell stories and harness emotions in my drawings.

I like how I can create vivid life in grey scale.

I like having the gift of sight through many senses.

I've that I've just learned to like the sound of my own voice.

I like having locks and seeing how their growth depicts the past 8 years of my life, showing strengths and weaknesses and yet they are still beautiful.

I like that I am learning to like myself more.

I like that I am striving to have healthy honest relationships.

I like being able to be completely honest with myself.

I like who I am as a mom, friend, family member even though I am unfamiliar with the core of my being.

I like that I am learning to see myself through my own eyes and not the eyes of my tormentors.

I like being less afraid of the roadblocks that are part of my journey to freedom.

I like having a love of sharing information and learning.

I like the fact that I can think of things that I like about myself. Things that I've seldom put thought to.

Wow! I didn't think I would have this many things listed. Tonight as I sit quietly in my room, I will reflect on this post. I'll keep a notepad nearby in case other likes come to mind. This has been a very good exercise and a wonderful way to celebrate my commitment to writing this blog. Thank you again, my friend for your suggestion.

Today I did not eat breakfast. Lunch was at 12:37pm. I ate 3 leftover salmon fritters, two scrambled eggs with cheese and a cup of water. Tonight is burger night. I feel strong that I will not order extra food.

Many thanks to all of you for your support, kind words and wisdom. Thank you for inspiring me to dig deeper and thank you for allowing me to inspire you. Onward and Upward as we pick up the pieces one by one, together.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Investigating Commitment - March 24, 2014

Tomorrow is our first month anniversary. I promise not to go crazy and talk about anniversaries every month. Our next major milestone will be at 6 months and then 1 year. I still can't believe its been a month already, feels like it's only been a few days. In essence, it has only been a few days, I guess. Nonetheless, this is a major deal.

Clearly I've had and still do have commitment issues with blogging, exercising and other healthy habits. I don't seem to have any trouble committing to wanting a healthier existence or figuring out how to live a healthier existence. Where my difficulty lies is committing to some of the steps it takes to achieve a healthier existence. There's a huge difference between the two. Does that make sense? It seems kind of weird to me, albeit a fact.

I'm going to take a closer look at this thing called commitment. Its no secret that I am in awe of people who are able to overcome insurmountable odds. I wonder what it's like to have the level of commitment it takes to achieve such extraordinary goals. How do they do that? What is the thing that propels them towards success? And why can't I manage to hold onto the inspiration received from hearing their stories?

The best course to take on this leg of my journey is to begin with the definition of that which is the "stuff" of inspirational motivation...commitment. Here are a couple definitions.

noun: commitment; plural noun: commitments
  1. 1.
    the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.
    "the company's commitment to quality"
The first definition for commitment is functional enough, but rather boring. I'd much prefer to use the second definition found in Urban Dictionary, and it reads:

Commitment is what
Transforms the promise into reality.
It is the words that speak
Boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak
Louder than the words.
It is making the time
When there is none.
Coming through time
After time after time,
Year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff
Character is made of;
The power to change
The face of things.
It is the daily triumph
Of integrity over skepticism.

When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard.

by Ashbash January 13, 2005

This is the very thing that I want to achieve...the ability to commit to that which will helps facilitate mental, physical and spiritual healing...CHANGE!

Today I ate breakfast at 11:38am. I had a small portion of leftover rice with chicken, tomatoes and okra with a cup of water. Since I ate breakfast late, I had a snack at 3:47pm. I ate turkey ham, cheese and crackers with a cup of water. I also shared the cinnamon bun with my son this afternoon, right after snack. For Dinner I had the remainder of leftover rice, chicken and veggies with 4 fresh salmon fritters and water. For my late night snack I will have a small bowl of raisin bran cereal and milk.

Tomorrow I will resume taking 5 minutes to exercise.

"I have hope for a healthier tomorrow because I know the rest of my life begins today."

Sunday, March 23, 2014

March 23, 2014

Sorry it's taken me a few days to publish another post. Sometimes I just need to take a little time to allow everything to process and prepare for another purge. Sometimes I get started on a post and other things get in the way. Though I may miss a day or two here and there, I am always aware of my head space and what I want to share in this blog.

I've been told how therapeutic blogging can be. Of course, you never really realize it until you actually commit to it. For now, I am committed and it's serving me well.

Since I'm coming up on my first full month of writing, I'm going to take this moment to see exactly what I need to do to get to the next step. In a recent breakthrough, I realized that I do not have love for myself nor do I know how to gain love for myself. I realize that the love of others only trickles in from time to time, but the feeling of it almost never lasts. I can feel the love of my son, but have difficulty understanding how he is able to love me. And even though I am appreciative of his love, I do not feel deserving of it. There it is...I have a major issue with love, receiving love, family love, romantic love, love of friends and others. I have problems with love in all areas and this stems from my inability to see myself worthy of receiving love, especially from myself.

In a previous post, March 20th I believe, I asked that you, the readers of this blog, suggest what I post about on our 1st month anniversary. A very good friend responded. She asked that I write a post about things that I like about myself. I thought is was ingenious. And then I began to worry. What do I like myself? I didn't feel that I had much to say about that. Needless to say, I'm struggling with this. I did have a bit of a breakthrough on the subject today. I won't reveal what it is until the 25th, but I can say that I've found a way to tackle this request. I hope as I'm working on my anniversary post something else breaks through. Perhaps I can hold on to some aspects of my self observations and later expound further on them. I'll have to wait and see.

Many Thanks to my good friend who made the suggestion to write what I like about myself. You inspire me on many levels to dig deeper than I though I could.

Today's food intake, pretty good. This morning at 9:07am I had a small pepperoni cheese roll and water. At 2:37 I made two sandwiches. Toasted wheat bread with 2 thin slices of turkey ham, lettuce, tomato and a little miracle whip. I drank an orange soda that I purchased yesterday. For dinner we will have a simple chicken dish, brown rice and vegetables. I will probably reserve a small portion of the leftovers for my late night snack.

Also, I want to be completely honest and tell you that I purchased a couple cinnamon buns yesterday, one large and one small, no extra frosting or nuts. I ate the small one after dinner with every intention to eat the larger one later that night. I'm amazed that I did not eat the second cinnamon bun. As a matter of fact, I still have it now and chances are I may not eat it tonight. If I go three days without eating it I will probably discard it. No...I'm not abdicating wasting money or food. I'm just saying...If the desire isn't there, don't push it. I'll try not to give into the urge to purchase items like that again. I've done this a few times with different sweet and savory items, most of which I no longer buy. I find more frequently that I purchase certain food items with every intention to eat them and then never do. I choose to see this as a good thing. The compulsion to eat foods just because they're readily available is dissipating.

You may wonder why I'm keeping the cinnamon bun, knowing that I could potentially eat it. Well, I kind of like the feeling of wanting the cinnamon bun, but not really wanting to eat it. It's a reminder of how far I've come. So please, allow me this small indulgence. :-)

I'm thankful for disbanding another compulsion. Now if I can just stop purchasing the items. Maybe the next time I have a craving for such items, I could take the money, put it in a jar and save it for a weekend trip to the beach. Hmmm. Sounds like a plan.

Proud Moment- March 21, 2014

Yep, I'm feeling a little proud of myself. Last night, I didn't feel like cooking dinner, so I asked my son what he wanted to eat. I started asking when we were out and about. I was hopeful that he'd want a burger or something else equally as quick. The answer was no. Fine. We went home. I wanted for about an hour and asked my son again what he wanted for dinner. We finally settled on pizza. I've gotten a little bit better about ordering pizza, being mindful not to order too much. Having a lot of leftovers can trigger a binge. I usually order pizza and wings. Last night wanted to try a sandwich instead. So I ordered a medium pizza, 1/2 pepperoni, the other 1/2 cheese and a Mediterranean veggie sandwich.  I came very close to ordering the wings, but managed to stop myself. If I had the wings, I would be at risk of wanting to eat them as well.

Pizza is one of those things that I should not order or only order on rare occasions. I'm getting better about that too. Foods that are very high in carbs are the worst thing to have lying around the house. We have a few leftovers. I had two slices of cheese pizza for my late night snack. Not the healthiest choice, but available and I still did not binge.

It's isn't easy always making the right choices. I try not to beat myself up about it. If I did it would only lead me to feel worse and eat more. If I'm going to give in to food that can be a potential trigger, the best thing is to be mindful of how much food I order. Fight the temptation to hoard food. That's when extra food is ordered for late night feed. Watch intake portions. Try to freeze or put away leftovers as soon as possible. If I leave food out too long the possibility of my eating it increases. Having it out of site helps, but I would still need to set aside another late snack if I want to avoid eating high starch/carb foods late night.

Okay, so I didn't do so great with my choices tonight, but I did do well with not ordering extra food and not over eating late night. Still more baby steps.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Affirmations Not Working

You may remember me talking about affirmations a few days ago, maybe a week or so ago. It's something that I try to do after exercising or to get through a rough patch in my day. I've not been keeping up with it too well. I'd say it's been 3 or 4 days since I've last made an attempt.

I feel like I'm trying to convince myself of an untruth. Somehow, I've got to figure out how to have positive feelings about myself. I'd like to be able to feel love for myself someday. As it is right now, I'm just going through the motions. The best thing I can do for myself is to be honest with myself and recognize when something does not feel right. Saying the affirmations is nice, but I don't believe what I am saying, at least not in the sense of self. How do I achieve that. In my world, people say lots of words that don't have meaning. Almost all my life this has been a fact. Forced to say I like things when I don't. Forced to say I love when I don't. It was a matter of giving into the control. Much like loving myself, I wanted to love my parent too, but they wouldn't let me. I tried... I was more comfortable with my mom, she was the lessor of two evils. I know that I loved them at some point. I can't remember when I stopped. It's hard to love someone who beats the love out of you. It's hard to believe someone who loves you is capable of hurting you beyond measure. Literally robbing you of you every possible sense of self or self worth.

I am at a cross roads. If I'm not able to love that which hurt me, how can I love myself. I've hurt me too. I don't want to, but I still do. This is a problem. I'm going to have to get over this hurdle before I can make progress in anything else that I attempt to do for myself. I must figure out a way! What will it take to convince me that I am worthy of love? How will I learn to love myself? I know my son loves me. I can see it in his eyes. Do I feel I deserve it? No. But I am totally grateful for it. It's the first time someone has loved me and not hurt me. I love my son. Beyond these words I cannot describe the emotion I feel for him. Oh, one word comes to mind...pure. My friends and family say they love me. I've learned to say thank you, but their words have no meaning. Truth is...I don't know how to accept love. I know that I have love in me, just not for me. I think I want to be loved. Not sure if I can handle that. Too much fear. I fear being brutally hurt again. I thank God everyday for allowing me to be a mom. His blessing me gave me a glimpse of what love is supposed to look like. Even though the love of my son means the world to me, it's not enough. I can admit that. My precious angle's love gives me strength, but his love alone will not save me. I need to be able to love myself and to not be afraid to be loved by others. If only we lived in a perfect world where people who say they love really did love. I don't think humans know what love is. It's not possible to love someone and hurt them. I know. I could never do to my son what was done to me. A true mother would lay down her life for her children, not take life from them. A mother's love is supposed to shield a child from danger, not hand them over to it. I can't get past what my parents have done to me in the name of so called love. Dear God, please help me. I can't do this on my own.

March 20, 2014

Went out the other day to purchase more crackers and egg product. I have to buy these items in bulk because I eat them almost every day. Since paying close attention to my NES I've discovered that eating comes easier if I don't have to think about it much. I don't mind tussling with the million dollar question, "What's for dinner?", that's about as much thought as I can give for food preparation. My son, he's pretty easy. He likes to start his day with waffles or another favored freezer food. Sometimes he'll branch out and ask for eggs. Frittata served with crustless quiche is one of his favorite outside-of-the-box breakfasts. When dinner time rolls around there are high expectations. That is when we are most creative with food intake. Dinner time is when I can introduce new foods to my son and get a significant amount of veggies in him. I can't tell you how many parents have told me over the years how they wish they could get their kids to eat the veggies my son eats. So far is likes brussel sprouts, red potatoes, carrots, greens, spinach, squash, sweet potatoes, green beans, okra, mixed veggies, broccoli and asparagus. He will eat corn, but only appreciates it in a corn pudding. All of which were introduced during dinner. Dinner is the meal that is supposed to have several complex components. At least, that the way my son sees, so I take full advantage of his thought process. Otherwise it's the same old thing...which works for us.

We are coming up on our first anniversary. At risk of sounding sappy, I've just taken notice that I've been blogging consistently for almost one full month. March 25th will be our first month anniversary. I don't know if I'll be in the mindset to do anything particularly special that day. I hope so. I would love to show you all how much I appreciate you being here with me day after day. Reading my ramblings and sharing your comments. It means the world to me knowing I'm not alone. Thank you all so much for hanging in there with me so far. Hugs to you :-) Maybe you can help me think of something special or tell me what you may want to read about on that day. Perhaps you would like to share more about yourself that day. We have a couple days to think about it. Please share your thoughts.

I'm feeling a little better than yesterday. Not quite 100%. I think I am coming down with my son's cold, that's okay. As long as he's getting better I'll be alright. I'd love to make a pot of soup today, but my son hates soup. Soup represents sickness and he's not claiming to be that sick. Perhaps I will do a crustless pot pie kind of thing. We eat a lot of chicken. Maybe I'll cook a few fish.

A couple days ago I was really struggling with meal planning. I lucked up, because my son was not feeling well and didn't want too much to eat. He was happy with a simple chickenish dish or a sandwich. That's pretty much what I ate also. Last night he asked that I cook, so I did. We had a deconstructed chicken soup with turkey ham. I had all the components of a simple chicken and rice soup without the broth and I added chunks of turkey ham to make it a little different. He liked it. I enjoyed it as well. For the past couple days eating has been rudimentary at best. It was nice to enjoy eating a meal again.

Today around noon I had a pack of peanut butter crackers and water. I will try to eat lunch in the next hour or so. It will be eggs and cheese with toast and perhaps hot tea. Crustless chicken pot pie may be a little to much like what we've already had, so I'll continue sorting dinner out ad the day goes. Last night for my late snack I had the last serving of the deconstructed chicken soup with turkey ham. I enjoyed just as much the second time as I did the first. I did not crave to feed beyond my snack.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

This America Life: You Gonna Eat That?

One of my favorite podcasts is This American life, hosted by Ira Glass. I've been tuning in for the past 6 year. Ira and his well thought out stories have been a great source of company while working late nights.

Here's a link to my all time favorite show. It's called "You Gonna Eat That?" In this podcast you will hear three stories about everyday people and their relationship with food. The program is about an hour long. I hope you'll be able to tune in. Enjoy!!!

You Gonna Eat That?

March 19, 2014

I did not write a post for yesterday. It was pretty much the same as the day before. Not really hungry. Feeling very tired. I think I'm coming to the end of a pretty large wave of events. It's been a difficult two weeks. Things are getting done...responsibilities taken care of. Finishing up a few more items on my check list and then I brace myself for next month...whatever. starts all over again.

Today I'm almost too tired to care about anything. Still feeling very tired. Everything in my being has been so rigid and now it's time to relax. This is time that I'm most vulnerable to depression. I will have to be even more mindful of my eating. Relaxing means there will be a need to feel comforted. I'm hoping to find comfort in other ways. I plan listen to music this evening, maybe play a couple online games. Anything to help me relax. I don't need anymore stressors right now. Too tired. I'll focus on eating, drinking water and resting today.

My son's cold is getting better. He's still coughing some, but not nearly as much as the other day. I can relax a little about that, but I'm always keeping an eye on him because he's had such hard times with colds in the past. Been staying on top of it. Feeling good about that.

Thank goodness the weekend is near. I can rest for a bit, try not to worry about anything and then face the next week refreshed. I will find the strength to carry on with my desire for a healthier life.

I may write another post about my childhood later. I'm not sure. If not today...then tomorrow, if energy permits. I have lots of writing projects going. I should spend more time working on them. That will be a good late night distraction.

Today for breakfast I had 2 packs of peanut butter crackers. Lunch was 3 scrambled eggs with chicken, two slices of bread and water. Not sure about dinner tonight. I'll think about that later. I was feeling a little light headed and hungry. I'm hoping a nap will help me feel better. I could be coming down with my son's cold.

March 17, 2014

Feeling a lot of self doubt today. I think it's mostly related to stress and feeling defeated about some situations that occurred recently. I'm experiencing heavy conflicting emotions right now. This only feeds into the anxiety that's been brewing for the past few days. Today it all comes full circle. Just like it did last Monday. I see things building up. Bills needing to be paid, money's slow to come. My life is filled with so many responsibilities, more than I've ever had. Don't get me wrong, I've had my issues, even when my life was neat and well contained, but there was balance. A wave of issues would come and then peace is regained. It's not like that these days. A wave of issues comes and I may get a couple days relief before another wave crashes into me. It's no wonder that I'm experiencing so many ups and downs with all that goes in my day to day. No day is predictable. This may not seem like much to some, but it's massive to me. I need some sense of predictability.

Everything falls on my shoulders. Everyone looks to me to take care of everything. There's never any break from it. Just when I think I can breath another series of unfortunate events take place. I'm being bitter right now. It's just how I feel in this moment. These feelings will dissipate and I will once again put on my game face and face the music.

They say stress kills. I guess I've been blessed. I've been under insurmountable stress most of my life and I'm still here. Worn down and battered. There's not much left...only hope. Hope that one day life will be better. Hope for peace of mind, body and spirit. Hope to escape the horrors of my past. Hope to become healthier in my practices and my thinking. Hope...I have hope for so many things. One day all good things will come to pass. My work will not be in vein.

Today was an okay eating day. I ate a pack of peanut butter crackers around noon. For lunch I had two turkey ham and cheese sandwiches. I did not eat dinner and my snack was a large serving of funions. My mind started roaming around the kitchen, looking for the next item to eat. I fought the urge. Exhaustion's settling in. Time for bed.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

March 16, 2014

I was just thinking about today being Sunday and how I always get a little agitated about the weeks end coming to a close. It's almost like losing a protective covering, leaving me completely exposed to whatever comes in the days during the week and once again I wait for the protection of the weeks end to come.

There was a time, not so very long ago when I felt the exact opposite of what I feel today. It was during the time my parents were alive. Home was never a safe haven, not even as an adult. It was just a place to store my stuff and to lay my head when I had nowhere else to go. I relished the weekdays because I could escape into work which was and has been my safe place. Work is where I first received positive validation...positive anything for that matter. At work I was valued. I didn't have to worry about being perfect even though I'd strive to be. There was never any screaming or beatings at work. I was free to be who I am or who I thought I was...for the most part.

Weekends and holidays were a great source of stress. The stress became even greater when I moved away from home. The expectation was to visit with my parents every weekend. Saturdays were fine, but Sundays were preferred. Dad worked on Saturdays. On Sundays I would be tortured by both instead of just the one. I guess I've always been a source of entertainment for my parents, in the most manipulative, horrid kind of way. My mom, who is the main catalyst for weekend visits, would never sit still. No matter what, we could never have a decent conversation or simply sit in the same room. She was always on the move. Always working like a slave cleaning a house that was never dirty. I guess it didn't matter she never had the time or inclination to have a real visit with me. My show her continued absolute control. I was still her obedient pet. When she called, I came.

Holidays were the worst. Again my mother would blow her proverbial whistle and there I'd sit by her side like a wasted appendage. I was a source of shame for them, unattractive, useless but still obedient. Her request for my presence simply rolls of her tongue. Never a consideration that I might want to do something else for the holiday. It didn't matter that I spent the entire day vomiting and crying before pulling the pieces together. Once again preparing for hell.

We'd always have dinner together, dad controlled the mealtimes. Even on the rare occasion family members were invited. Every time, like clock work, dad would wait unit mom was ready to serve dinner, then he'd announce that he had to go to his barber shop for something. He'd make all of us wait for hours before returning home. Not one morsel was to be consume until he returned, less there be hell to pay behind closed doors.

We ate the same meal holiday after holiday. Usually there would be silence at the table unless dad wanted to engage in negative gossip about someone. Mom sat in silence waiting for endless accolades about her meal.

After my divorce, mom always insisted that my son and I pack up and spend Christmas Eve night with them. Dear God, why?! If I were to say no...then most assuredly I need be prepared for the emotional gouging of the century. I gave up and gave in.

If thou hath dwelt in the belly of hell then let thy hell be brief.

Here we go again. I packed a bag, put my son in the car and headed out for my parent's house. It was late. Mom was overjoyed. Christmas carols playing, lights twinkling, cakes and pies baking.

Hell doth hath a sweet stench.

I prepared the pull out sofa in the family room and got my son ready for bed. He enjoyed running around from room to room and watching the lights on the tree. Dad would be in his room as usual, far away from anything resembling a family moment. I'd offer to help, but there was no need. I could never do anything right anyway, so I sat and offered idol chit chat.

Later that evening mom decided to sit in the family room with me and my sleeping child. My son and I are both heat sensitive and needed the room to be cool. Mom didn't mind much...I guess, she wrapped a blanket around herself and started a conversation. Soon dad walks in, asks mom is she's cold and proceeds to turn the heat up. I kindly asked that he not do that because my son and I could get sick. Dad in a fit of rage, begins the scream our being in HIS house and HIS wife being cold. He storms out of the family room leaving the heat on high. Mom turns to me and says, "You'll need to apologize to your dad." I'm not surprised. I apologized, for what I'm not sure, I just did. All was well, order and control once again regained. I'm done. This will never happen to me again.

The next day I announced to mom that I will never spend another Christmas Eve with them. From then on only on Christmas day and only because she insisted. Stunned, mom looks at me. I can see the wonder in her eyes. Did she already forget about last night? Oh, that's right. My feelings don't matter. I'm only to follow protocol. Needless to say, I found the courage never to put myself or my son in that position again. If only I could have always been so brave.

Today I ate breakfast at 8:57am. It was the usual. Lunch was around 3pm. I had 3 scrambled eggs, 2 pieces of cheese toast and water. For Dinner we had baked chicken breast, spinach casserole and baked corn pudding.

Last night I eat my cake with a scoop of frozen greek yogurt, vanilla. It was not as good as I imagined. I didn't enjoyed it, but I ate it anyway. There were no urges to continue feeding. Next time, I think I'll do without the cake all together...hopefully.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

March 15, 2014

Having some issues with anxiety for the past few days. Not unbearable, but very noticeable. I'm getting to the point where I want to be in my house. Been out quite a bit and am needing a break from the rest of the world.

Today's food intake was a little better than yesterday. I ate my usual breakfast of peanut butter crackers and water this morning at 8:47am. Lunch was a little late. Even though a good friend called me at 1pm with a lunchtime reminder, I still did not get around to eating until after 2pm. For lunch I had leftovers from last night's dinner, veggie, pasta and turkey sausage dish and a cup of water. It was just enough. Dinner consisted of 3 chicken wings (fried), approx. 2 tbls. mac-n-cheese and approx. 2 tbls. string beans and a cup of Snapple grape punch.

I'm not feeling enthusiastic about meal preparations lately. That concerns me a great deal. Not being excited or at least have a mental picture of what to prepare can potentially leave me open to bad eating behaviors. I'm starting to get tired of eating to some extent even though I want so much to eat like a normal person. Not sure how to combat this. I refuse to get overly worked up. It could be my anxiety rising that's triggering my urge for non-compliance.

The odd thing about all of this. I don't really have an urge for a late night snack. There is a little danger lurking. I have cake in the house. Two slices of butter pound cake with vanilla frosting. I wanted to eat mine right after dinner, but I was already satisfied. The chances of this slice of cake seeing the light of day tomorrow is slim to none. I don't mind eating the cake itself, I just don't want eating something sweet to trigger an urge for a larger feed. Not to mention that I need to be sure to give my son his slice or else that one will be consumed also. I don't usually have deserts lying around the house, so this is a treat for us. There may be the occasional cookie or frozen yogurt, but that's something special. I love to bake, but I dare not, unless it's a holiday and we're having friends and family over. Controlling late night urges to binge will completely break down if I have a whole cake in the house. Freezing it won't work either. And I promise you, I really don't want to see myself walking around sucking on another piece of frozen cake...been there...done that.

It's 10:08 now. Not sure what to do about the cake. I'm starting to regret having it. If I don't eat it tonight, then when is a good time to eat it. Do I wait for an urge for something sweet to hit? If I do, I could end up throwing my cake away. I wouldn't be the first time.

Okay, I'm going to get ready for bed. I'll put the cake away. If I want it bad enough...I'll eat it and if I can forget it, then I'll worry about it tomorrow.

The Wake of Honesty

In the wake of honesty,
I am afloat.
Blocking the external,
Hearing internally,
Finding a remnant of me,
Only to see,
I am changing.
In the wake of honesty,
A surge rushes through my veins.
Light fills me.
I sit down to my computer.
And I write.
It doesn't sound like me.
Does it?
In the wake of honesty,
I charge through the thick,
Beating a path through pain,
Stepping out into the plain,
Someone’s in the distance,
There I stand,
In the wake of honesty,
Past transgressions reappear.
Shadows become clear,
Venomous words,
Hateful stares,
In the wake of honesty,
A life of lies undone,
Lost time returns home,
Filling the gaps of my youth.
Great strides have been made,
More ground gained.
But freedom's still light years away.

Friday, March 14, 2014

March 14, 2014

I've been scouting around looking for NES support groups with little luck. There is one lovely group that I've recently encountered that deal with eating disorders of all kinds. They didn't have much about NES. I posted on their wall and soon got a response from a couple lovely people who were very interested in my sharing on their page. I think it is awfully kind of them to allowed me to post this blog. Not sure how many from their page may read it, but I'm not so much worried about growing an audience as I am reaching people who are surviving or recovering from NES as well as those who are interested in knowing what it's like to live with NES in general.

As far as some support groups specifically for NES, there is little to no activity. I wonder if they are where I was not too long ago. In a place where they want to talk about NES, but don't have a lot to say about it or can't quite put into words their experience. I believe one day they will find their voices as I have and will be able to share much more. I certainly hope more studies are done on NES. I would love to be part of the committee that creates the instruments (questionnaires) for the studies. As you can tell, one of my super sized interests is human studies. I just can't get enough. That would explain why I spend so much time assessing myself and attempt to share my experience with NES from a whole person point of view. I think it is important to not only focus on the traits and habits of eating disorders, but the underlying root cause and mental state of a person who has an eating disorder. Eating disorders do not happen over night. It takes a period of time and number of circumstances before becoming a full blown eating disorder. I hope medical professionals are leading patients and clients into the realm of figuring out how their eating disorders developed. Retracing the development of an eating disorder may very well be the road map to recovery. 

Anyone who has suffered trauma of any sort should be screened for the potential of having or developing an eating disorder. I'm sure there are several variables that can be red-flagged as showing high or measurable potential for developing an eating disorder. Is this sort of thing in existence yet? I don't know. I'll have to check into that.

Anorexia is diagnosed when a person reaches a dangerously low body mass index. Wouldn't it be wonderful if a diagnosis could be rendered well before the low occurs. It seems to me that a person would stand a better chance of turning things around if they could get an earlier diagnosis and treatment. Better to know sooner than later...don't you think?

I'm still going to look for NES support groups online and local. Come to think of it, I would imagine many with NES symptoms are probably going to binging/purging/Bulimia support groups instead. That may be the ticket.

Time to turn in. Before I go, here's my eating update. Last night I could not fight off the urge to have my snack, so I did. It was a little smaller than usual, but not healthy...more baby steps. This morning I had a sudden urge to eat right around 8:30am. I ate a pack of peanut butter crackers and water. I wanted something else to eat around 10:30, but could not stomach the thought of making eggs or a sandwich, so I grabbed another pack of peanut butter crackers and had more water. Unfortunately, I forgot to eat this afternoon. No physical cues. For dinner I cooked a veggie, pasta, smoked turkey sausage dish which left me feeling satisfied for now. I can pretty much tell that I am going to want a snack tonight. I call feel it already. So, I will reserve a little of my dinner for my late night snack.

Oh, one other thing. I've been keeping up with my 5 minute exercise routine and I've added affirmation time after the fact. I don't know if this will work. My goal is to increase my awareness of healthy pleasures. Right after I complete my exercise, I take a few deep breaths and lie still, taking note of  how my body feels after exercising. Then I say affirming things to myself, such as, "I am worthy of feeling good," "I love myself and want to do good things for my mind, body and spirit." After I say my affirmation I return to my daily duties. This practice encourages me to take more time for myself  as I learn to enjoy being kinder to myself.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

March 13, 2014

An amazing thing happened last night. While cleaning the kitchen and putting food away I decided that I did not want a late night snack. I don't know where this came from or why. Innately I knew if I needed to eat, food would be available. However, it really didn't matter because I did not want that snack.

At 1am, like clock work my mind rings the dinner bell. It's time to eat. I heard it...felt it too and refused to respond. I wish I knew where the strength came from. My mind called me to eat a couple more times and then I went to sleep. Thank you God! I don't know if it will be like that tonight. I have no idea how it happened, but I'm glad it did. It IS possible for me to make it through a night without eating. From this point forward all things are possible.

This morning at 10:27am, I ate peanut butter crackers and a glass water. For lunch at 1:37pm, I ate leftover broccoli, pasta with meat sauce and a glass of water. For dinner I will have leftover smothered chicken wings, brown rice and green beans and a glass of water.

Climbing Mt. Everest

So far I've accomplished two nights of exercise, 5 minutes each night. I had to force myself, but afterwards I felt good about my accomplishment. One thing that helps me get through the hurdles is to set the bar pretty low in order to build the skills I need to survive and thrive. That takes a lot. I don't think many of us understand what it takes to love ourselves after years of mental, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. We don't know what that's like. We haven't been taught how to love ourselves or even that we are worthy of love. How do we find a way to do this?

I listen to motivational speakers sometimes. It seems well enough. There's an immediate reaction when listening, but that reaction is short lived. What happens when reality returns and the seductive mist of motivation clears? We end up back where we began because we have not built the skills or gained the know how to see our way out of the thicket of emotions.

Where do you wear your emotions? Do you know? Many of my emotions are suppressed by disassociation. That which is somewhat visible is shown in the form of anger and weight gain. I am angry at my parents and know what they did is wrong. I'm aware that it is NOT my fault. Even still, I struggle daily to end my destructive behavior. What is the "thing" between knowing the abuse is not your fault and loving yourself enough to stop hurting yourself?

Let me see if I can explain and you tell me if any of this sounds familiar to you. It's not that I want to hurt myself, even though there was a time when I did. I was 19. I'm much older now and do not wish to hurt myself, but I can't seem to stop hurting myself. I know my eating habits are bad and my body is paying the price. I know I need to stop, but it is harder than hell to stop. The feeling that I feel when I know I need to stop and can't is the feeling of having my parents standing over me and punishing me. You see, it's not that I want to hurt, it's what's most familiar to me. Hurt, pain, sorrow, need, desperation, all of these things are what I'm most familiar with. I believe that is what makes it so hard to walk away from it. Now...add on the lack of love and you have the perfect cocktail for a myriad of failed attempts to get better.

What's next? Well, now we figure out a way to become familiar with feeling good. This is our Mt. Everest. How do we go about it? Just as we would if we were attempting to climb the actual Mt. Everest. Come up with a plan. Be aware of your obstacles. Be prepared for surprises along the way. Steak out your lifeline. Take one step at a time. Don't worry about the summit just yet. Keep your focus on the smaller goal of reaching the next base camp. Does this make sense? Let me incorporate what I'm actually doing and see if that paints a better picture.

My climb of Mt. Everest - Breaking the cycle of self damaging behavior.

Plan to reach next base camp - To slowly increase appropriate caloric intake and incorporate 5 minutes of exercise daily.
Obstacles - Lack of love for myself
                   Uncomfortable doing good things for myself
                   Trouble committing to good/wholesome behaviors
                   Low self-esteem
                   Feelings of worthlessness
Possible surprises - May go into denial and fall back into old habits
                                Suddenly Giving up
Lifeline - Faith, religious practice, accountability, logic

Each day that passes is one tiny step closer to reaching the next base camp. Hurdles may change from base camp to bas camp, so stay in touch with the things that give you the most difficulty. Be willing to explore options as needed to combat hurdles. Talk to a therapist, a friend and keep a journal. All of these things help.

Food intake is not the feel good goal that I'm working on. It's a necessity for fighting off binging. The feel good factor comes in with good behaviors like exercise, meditation and affirmation. These are the feel good goals that I've set for myself. I have not gotten into mediation or affirmation yet. For now, I am aiming for 5 minutes exercise. Even though it's like pulling teeth, I'm hoping that I become familiar and have a desire to feel the sense of accomplishment that comes after.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

March 12,2014

It's getting late, so I will make this brief. Today has been a good eating day. Breakfast was at 9:17am. I had peanut butter crackers and water. Not feeling any physical hunger that I can tell today. A friend call to remind me to eat after 1pm. I prepared 3 scrambled eggs with cheese, two sliced of wheat bread and water. I finished eating at 1:45pm. Dinner was substantial. I made smothered chicken wings with brown rice and Okra. I fed my son around 5:14. I did not eat until after 7pm. Still no physical hunger sensation.

My hunger sensations come and go. They seem to be most prevalent when I eat between 10-11am. I thought I would have sensations today because I ate early. Can't pin-point the reason why it's not the same or better. I am seeing improvement with my effort to eat at least 3 meals during the day, but I'm having difficulty increasing the calories. Seems if I increase calories, I skip meals and leave myself open to wanting more to eat at night.

I'm hoping exercise will help me with some of this. I'm not able to increase the amount of exercise time. My focus is to build a steady routine of getting in some exercise each day. This is very difficult for me. I say I want to exercise and then I have to force myself. I'm even having thoughts of cheating this process, but that doesn't make sense, it's only 5 minutes. Keeping my word to myself is not going to be as easy as I hoped. My heart tells me it's ready for the commitment, but my mind begs to differ.

Looks like my main goals are to slowly increase calories and keep my word about exercising. If I don't increase the calories, exercising will be for not. I need the extra calories so my body has the energy to burn fat. It all seems like a catch 22. This is getting a little uncomfortable.

Okay...onward and upward.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


I think people generally think of abandonment as the leaving of someone or something and not returning to it. That is correct. But there's another level of abandonment. To be abandoned emotionally is even worse. You may have the physical presence of the parent or parents with you, but they are void and unable to give anything emotional to you or maybe the only emotion they give is anger even hate. Living with a person who is void of emotion is like living in or near a black hole. All things that go into the hole are lost, even light. They drain you of everything and give nothing in return. You question if you should feel the way you feel. Sometimes you are made to feel guilty for feeling abandoned, especially when both parents are in the home. I was told that I could not possibly feel abandoned because I had both my parents and that I should be thankful for them, because so many little girls and boys live in broken homes. Why is it when a child is raised in a single parent home they are considered a broken family as opposed to living with both parents who are abusing you. What is that called? Is that not broken?

I'm a single parent. Not my wish, but it is a fact. I think about the words "broken home" as I look at my family dynamic. Our home is not broken. There is love, affection, attention, nurturing, patience, laughter, peace, joy, stability, encouragement and teaching. As a parent, I devote time to cultivate a well rounded individual. One who has hopes and dreams. One who is comfortable in his skin. One who knows he's protected, has help and support when he needs it. Isn't that what a child's supposed to have? Obviously it is possible to give or receive all of these things in a single parent family. Ours and many other families are proof of that. Society puts to much on having both parents present. It's all about what is considered complete. The look of a family. Having a sense of "normal" family. What is a normal family? Is there such a thing? Society needs to revamp their definition of broken family, because they are wrong. It's not the physical absence of a parent that breaks a home. It's the emotional absence of a parent or both that breaks the home. Doesn't matter how many parents are in the home. Emotional absence is the culprit to the lacking of every conceivable need with exception to monetary need. That doesn't require emotion.

To live without emotion is not living...not even's nothing...empty.

You may question how I am able to give love and affection to my son when I was deprived of those things myself. Well, I tend to operate out of logic first and emotion second. Logically speaking, what I experienced as a child did not feel good, so why would I choose do to that to someone else. If it doesn't work for you, don't do it.

My greatest obsessions are exploring cerebral ability, human behavior and human nature. I study these things at all times and in many scenarios. I've seen several family scenarios in life and on television. I draw out the positives and then I think of ways to incorporate those positives in my daily practice or future practices. I want to give my son what I never had. He deserves that. In order to give my son what I never had, I must learn what good things are to be given. My son did not ask to come into this world nor did he ask to be autistic, but he's here and he's wonderful. I tell him everyday. And I pride myself on seeing that my son knows he is loved and wanted. That is everything to me.

There are two kinds of mothers and I don't mean biological and non-biological. What I mean is breeder and nurturer. Breeders give life and little else. Nurturers give their heart no matter if the  child is biological or not. My mother was a breeder. I chose to be a nurturer.

Today was not a good eating for me. I ate a pack of peanut butter crackers at 2:47pm. No afternoon snack. I'm determined not to eat take-out today. Dinner was eaten at 6:30pm. We had meat sauce with broccoli over rotini pasta. No hunger sensations today also no urge to binge.

There was a strange occurrence last night. I was watching a movie with a friend over the phone. While watching the movie I decided to break my own rule and get some chips and a little dip. I was a bit heavy handed on the chip portion, but I thought it would be okay. It would serve as my late night snack. Midway into the pile of chips and I suddenly had to stop. Everything started tasting really. I lost my appetite and put the chips and dip away. That is a first. I don't know how it came to be. My guess is the daily purging of my feeling and heightened awareness of eating habits is beginning change me. I'm in an altered state. I have to say, it felt pretty darn good being able to push those chips away. I hope and pray the binging cycle soon dissipates. And I hope it stays gone forever.

One other thing, I kept my promise to myself last night and exercised for 5 minutes. Tonight I will do it again. I'll work on building stamina after I work on staying true to my word. Baby steps.

Monday, March 10, 2014

March 10, 2014

It's Monday. All business issues have come to a head. One by one things are getting done. Please God let this wave of misfortune end soon. And I thank you for the good fortune of providing solutions to all my problems.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just getting there, that's the hard part. My hands are trembling. I've been carrying an open pack of peanut butter crackers around for the last hour and a half. The phone's ringing off the hook. Constant jumping from circumstance to circumstance. I'm not built for this. My stomach is in knots and my head is beginning to hurt. Anxiety level's rising.

I ate my peanut butter crackers around noon. I did not remember to get water. There wasn't enough time to eat lunch before therapy and dinner was something from McDonalds. I finished eating at 6:27pm. I'm happy to report that I didn't buy anything extra this time. Instead I will prepare a healthy snack of peanut butter and apples for late night.

So much has been going on today. Thank goodness I had a therapy appointment. I managed to eek out enough time to jot down a few items for discussion and highlights of progress I've made. I've been working very hard on myself and am eager to talk about the revelations and epiphanies. That may seem strange considering I've been having so many ups and downs this week. There is much more going on than the day-to-day trials of business and food intake issues.

I'm feeling calm and centered after a thorough purging at therapy. My eating was off today and still I experienced a physical hunger sensation at 3:47pm. Despite my being off, my body continues cueing me to eat. That is a very good sign. Slowly but surely things are getting better, even on off days. All in all today has been a good and productive day. It started off a bit shaky, but got much better as time went on.

Sometimes I have to remind myself not to always see the worse case scenario when trouble comes my way. Note to self: Continue working on having the courage to face obstacles. Try hard to see problems as fixable. Use calming technics to center myself and ward off feelings of impending doom when stressors are developing. Continue working on ways to manage my stress and anxiety levels through positive thoughts and affirmations. Last but not least, continue increasing daytime caloric intake. That is a must.

I have not done any exercise yet. Originally I wanted to start a couple days ago exercising 10-15 minutes per day. That's okay. To get myself started...wait...let me re-frame that. To keep my word, my promise to myself I will do at least 5 minutes exercise tonight. This will be part of my affirmation. That I am worthy of receiving and doing good things for myself. In order to foster a feeling of worthiness and self worth I will need to be better about keeping promises to myself. That begins tonight. I pray that one day soon, being good to myself won't be such a chore.

I'm tired, too tired to revisit memories tonight. Perhaps we can continue that discussions tomorrow. In the meantime take care, don't be too hard on yourself. Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to do better and be better.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

At The Root

At the base of every problem is a root. In order to solve any problem you must begin at the root.

After further assessment, I question if  my NES stems from a need for comfort, body image issues or both.

My symptoms of NES started around the age of 8. I lost the desire to eat breakfast. On occasion I skipped lunch or only ate a bag of chips. Food became a source of comfort, but comfort was not necessary in the light of day, at least when away from home. This development is perceived as a normal development because comfort was always associated with oral stimulation (mouthing). Chewing on fingers and toes developed into chewing rubber objects and crayons. Later I began eating soap during bath time. A feeling of euphoria came over me as I chewed and swallowed the soft salty soap. It was a welcomed feeling before bed.

I am the product of unfortunate parenting. I laugh at myself when I say that out loud. I am the product of many unfortunate things. There was little to no affection in my home. Seldom an 'I love you' or hug. Touch no longer welcomed became something forced by the hand of my dad. Comfort came in the midnight hour. When it's late and the house dark and quiet. I'd sneak into the kitchen to steal food, usually something sweet, but if all else failed I'd grab 3-4 slices of bread and wad them together. If time allowed I'd spread a little butter between each slice before wadding. It started out as a weekend thing. Mom and Dad closed their bedroom door on Saturday nights. I'd wait patiently. Never curious to know what happened behind the closed door. I only saw this as a grand opportunity to feed my need for comfort.

It didn't take long before I began seeking late  night feeds during the week. It was more difficult. I'd often fall asleep waiting for an opportunity to score more comfort. There were opportunities to get food during the day. I just need to get my hands on a little money. I started steeling money from my parents so I could sneak to the bakery after school. It was just around the corner. Mom was always late picking me up which gave me ample time. I was in the 5th grade when I started hording food.

On occasions when dad was supposed to pick me up but forgot, I would go to the bakery and pizzeria. I'd order a small pizza and eat the entire thing before calling home for a ride. I can't understand mom never called the school to check on me when dad forgot me. Hours would go by and nothing. I'd always have to call her and then she'd send a cab. Isn't that odd? None of the other children were forgotten.

As I assess my past, more memories become clear and mix with the old. When I share my memories you may read some more than once. Please accept my apologies for being redundant at times.

At the age of 10 I was introduced to dieting. Endless deprivation, counting calories and measuring portions. My parents loved desert after meals. They'd eat them while I watched. At the start of each day I had to stand on the scale with both parents standing over me. It was a shame filled start to the day. Depending on how the scales tipped I might even get a beating before school.

The weight of the burden of bearing so many flaws was getting heavier and heavier. So was I.

I had to sooth my conscious and unconscious mind. It is there where the demons dwell. In the mind is where all things negative fester and develop into addictions and disorders.

I need to take a break from the memories. We can talk about this again later.

At 11:37am I had one pack of peanut butter crackers and water. There were no hunger sensations today. Lunch was at 3:48pm. I had 4 scrambled eggs with chicken, two slices of wheat bread and water. It is now 10:35pm, I have not eaten dinner yet.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Night Eating Syndrome - Youtube Video

Here's a link to a video that I found recently about NES. A young girl named Genesis is doing her presentation. The research she's done is pretty accurate. There are a few things stated that need to be expounded on, all-in-all she did a good job.

March 8, 2014

It never fails. When I get up something comes to bring me back down. I'm so tired. I can't give up. I'm having one of those days. Bad news keep flooding in and I don't know where to begin to make it better. It feels as thought the wind has been taken out of my sales and replaced with stones. I can't... I can't let this wave of misfortune take over my mind. I am fighting to stay strong right now, fighting harder than I ever have. I need to be strong. I want to be healthy. Been trapped behind this wall far too long.

Yesterday I felt such a sense of peace, a stillness in my spirit. All was calm. I felt the presence of God. I still feel His presence today and I thank Him for this day even though I received more bad news. Not that long ago I received news that nearly threw my entire day off. With all what was happening I still pushed through the worry and anxiety and maintain my goals.

I wasn't so fortunate today. My goals have been shot. It's okay, I'm not giving up nor am I giving in. And it's not as bad as it has been or could be. Lord knows I am making every effort to stay strong. I'm making every effort not to fall into depression or stew in anxiety. There's so much that is going on. Feels like parts of my life are going out of control. I can't stop it. When I fall into depression I only have energy to take care of my son's needs and little else. I feel completely drained at the end of the day. Sleep is no escape. Gonna fight my way out of this. So I'll pray and I'll hope and I'll what I can...and then I'll pray some more.

Tomorrow is another day and another chance to do better. I hope to stay focused and I pray there's no more bad news.

I did not have breakfast today. Around lunch time I split a pack of peanut butter crackers with my son while we were out shopping. For dinner we had take out from McDonalds. I went large on my meal. Fortunately I could not eat all of my fries. That made me feel good. And yes, I purchase one extra item to eat later for a snack. I didn't need to. I have plenty and more healthy choices to eat at home, but I purchased the extra item anyway. At least I didn't get the largest size.

I won't claim complete defeat today. I just hope and pray that I'll be able to withstand the trials and come out on the other side triumphant.

Friday, March 7, 2014

March 7, 2014

Good news! Even though I'm still dealing with some anxiety, the bad dreams have not returned since I wrote about one in a prior post. It may benefit me to start a dream diary so I can purge the memories of dreams and free myself. I'll write down all of them, good and bad. I can't say that I'll read what I've written about dreams. This exercise is solely to free my mind, but who knows, maybe one day I will read some of them again.

Since I'm doing well writing in my blogs, I can't see not being equally successful writing in a private diary. As a matter of fact, I think it will be very good for me on many levels.

Today I ate breakfast around 11:30am. Woke up feeling a little down about some news I had gotten yesterday, so I avoided eating when my body cued me around 10am. I talked on the phone for a bit and started preparations for the day. Again, my body cued me to eat, only stronger this time. My body's ready to be fed. This is fabulous. I chose not to give in to my mild depression and refused to ignore my body again. I prepared a light breakfast consisting of two slices of cheese toast and a cup of unsweetened tea. For lunch I plan to eat two scrambled eggs with a little salt and pepper and unsweetened tea. I'm not sure about dinner yet.

It is 3:02pm. I've just eaten lunch which consisted of two scrambled eggs, left over fried okra and a cup of unsweetened tea. I don't consume much caffeine. In all honesty, I try to avoid it most days because I'm caffeine sensitive. It makes me feel a little loopy. However, I am not opposed to the occasional Pepsi or Dr. Pepper.

I've decided to try exercising a little today. Palates is the choice for today. It's too cold and rainy for a walk around the neighborhood. I hate to admit it, but I haven't walked or done any kind of exercise for a very long time. So, I'll start off with 10-15 minutes. I am losing weight, a little at a time. It can only be attributed to changes in my eating habits. Now that I am not gorging myself every night and slowly increasing caloric intake by day, my body is able to digest and process better. I'm down almost 100 lbs., over a period of 3 years.

I think it would be nice to go walking a couple times a week. My son would enjoy that a lot. He loves walking around our neighborhood and seeing the sights. It would be good for both of us.

Tomorrow morning I will get on the scale, which I just found the other day. I probably won't post my weight at this time, but I will share with you how much weight I'm losing over time.

For the first time in these past couple years I feel like I am really going to conquer NES and a few other issues in my life. I can't describe how wonderful this feels. I'm going to continue holding on to hope, prayer, doing and believing positive change will happen.

Processing My Path to Recovery

I am so excited this morning. I've been thinking a lot about my process to recover from NES. The exciting part is that I can't wait to share this information with you. I feel like I've made a new friend and this friend really gets me. Mere words cannot express my gratitude for the ones who read my blog and leave such heartfelt comments. I am so grateful for your words of encouragement and understanding. And I get the warm fuzzes when you tell me reading my blog encourages you. Thank you.

Oh, before I get started let me share my progress with you. I posted yesterday, but it was not one of my usual daily posts. Like this post is was primarily subject based. Okay. Yesterday I made myself eat between 10-11am. I had peanut butter cracker and water. For lunch I had two scrambled eggs with a medley of vegetables and a cup of unsweetened tea. For dinner I had two chicken thighs, fried okra and a few French fries. For my late snack I had a piece of chicken and a bran muffin.

I'm feel really good about the progress I've made in the last couple weeks. Really good.

This morning as I prepared breakfast I started thinking about the steps I've been take and the progress made. I took not of everything I had on the kitchen counter, including my meds. I guess you could say it was a mental snapshot. There were two slices of bread, cheese, medicine and then I took down my Acidophilus which is a probiotic. That's when it hit me. The process for healing from NES consists of more than what I am eating and when. It is a whole person approach and I add more healing therapies or regimens as I go.

This is what I've done. The first thing I did was pray. I needed to get my spiritual life in order. Then I started working on food intake during the day while weaning from night time binges. I can't remember all the details, but I think it was a few months before I worked my way to eating one late night snack each night. I had fallen back into binging several times over the course of a couple years, but I've managed in this last year to only binge three times. The last binge I had, a small one, was last month when I nearly ate an entire family sized bag of chips. I would get a small amount, but kept going back until the bag was almost empty.

I have to deal with the demons of my past. So I sought out a therapist, that I see once a month. She's my go-to person when I need to check in and focus on the work I'm doing to heal from my abusive past. Talking things out with her has really helps me focus on what I need to be working on.
Okay, mental checklist:

Admit that I have an eating disorder
Working to change eating habits
Making healthier food choices
Getting medical care for my blood pressure
Seeing a therapist

Eating disorders are hard on the body. They cause more damage than we realize. It's not possible for the gut to maintain good balance when the body is starved during the day and gorged at night. My gut was severely sluggish. Thirty years into this disorder and my gut is unable to properly process food. The food would sit heavy in my gut for days. When the food began to process and move, it literally felt like I was being cut from the inside. It was so painful and very scary. I would imagine my gut being shredded into a bloody mess. My ability to have a normal bowel movement dissipated years ago. I felt sick almost all the time. Fluid was building up in my extremities, my complexion changed, looking darker and grayish. The whites of my eyes were no longer bright white, but more of a pale yellowish off white color. That was the state of my health four years ago. I'm happy to say I am much better than I was.

My next step is to work on healing the gut and incorporating a little exercise. Nothing too rigorous. Walking is always good. Palates is interesting. I've tried Palates and like the stretching and breathing. I can move at my own pace and do as much or as little as I like. And it's something that I can do in the privacy of my room. I'll have to work at not seeing exercise as a chore, but more of a time to relax and enjoy doing something for myself. This ties right in with the mental and emotional work I've been doing for the past year. Because I was so brutally abused, I find it difficult to do loving things for myself. The hardest part of all of this is loving myself. It takes loving yourself to put forth the effort to be better. In the past I thought I was doing good things for myself, the truth of the matter is I was self-soothing, which is a means of coping with the extreme abuse. So, here I am. Learning to fall in love with myself. I think I've made it up to really liking myself. That's why I've made it this far. Now I have to love myself. If I am able to do that I will find pleasure in doing more for myself and being healthier...mind, body and spirit. Most important, by loving myself I'll be able to maintain good health because it won't be so difficult for me to want it.

One last thing. You may want to look into adding a probiotic to your diet. check with your doctor and see what's on the market. Cutting out  a lot of the starches, eating a vegetable rich diet with lean meats and taking a probiotic daily will help to heal the gut. Probiotics increase absorption of nutrients and promote regularity.

I am currently taking a probiotic called Acidophilus. The active ingredient is Lactobacillus Acidophilus, 100 million active cultures. Other ingredients are Dicalcium, Phosphate, Gelatin, Silica, Vegetable Magnesium Stearate. Warning: If you are pregnant, nursing or taking any medications consult your doctor before use.

Looking over this post I feel even better about what I've been able to achieve. As always, I hope my words will give you hope, encouragement or confirmation as you continue your journey. Thank you for reading.