Abandonment

I think people generally think of abandonment as the leaving of someone or something and not returning to it. That is correct. But there's another level of abandonment. To be abandoned emotionally is even worse. You may have the physical presence of the parent or parents with you, but they are void and unable to give anything emotional to you or maybe the only emotion they give is anger even hate. Living with a person who is void of emotion is like living in or near a black hole. All things that go into the hole are lost, even light. They drain you of everything and give nothing in return. You question if you should feel the way you feel. Sometimes you are made to feel guilty for feeling abandoned, especially when both parents are in the home. I was told that I could not possibly feel abandoned because I had both my parents and that I should be thankful for them, because so many little girls and boys live in broken homes. Why is it when a child is raised in a single parent home they are considered a broken family as opposed to living with both parents who are abusing you. What is that called? Is that not broken?


I'm a single parent. Not my wish, but it is a fact. I think about the words "broken home" as I look at my family dynamic. Our home is not broken. There is love, affection, attention, nurturing, patience, laughter, peace, joy, stability, encouragement and teaching. As a parent, I devote time to cultivate a well rounded individual. One who has hopes and dreams. One who is comfortable in his skin. One who knows he's protected, has help and support when he needs it. Isn't that what a child's supposed to have? Obviously it is possible to give or receive all of these things in a single parent family. Ours and many other families are proof of that. Society puts to much on having both parents present. It's all about what is considered complete. The look of a family. Having a sense of "normal" family. What is a normal family? Is there such a thing? Society needs to revamp their definition of broken family, because they are wrong. It's not the physical absence of a parent that breaks a home. It's the emotional absence of a parent or both that breaks the home. Doesn't matter how many parents are in the home. Emotional absence is the culprit to the lacking of every conceivable need with exception to monetary need. That doesn't require emotion.


To live without emotion is not living...not even existing...it's nothing...empty.


You may question how I am able to give love and affection to my son when I was deprived of those things myself. Well, I tend to operate out of logic first and emotion second. Logically speaking, what I experienced as a child did not feel good, so why would I choose do to that to someone else. If it doesn't work for you, don't do it.


My greatest obsessions are exploring cerebral ability, human behavior and human nature. I study these things at all times and in many scenarios. I've seen several family scenarios in life and on television. I draw out the positives and then I think of ways to incorporate those positives in my daily practice or future practices. I want to give my son what I never had. He deserves that. In order to give my son what I never had, I must learn what good things are to be given. My son did not ask to come into this world nor did he ask to be autistic, but he's here and he's wonderful. I tell him everyday. And I pride myself on seeing that my son knows he is loved and wanted. That is everything to me.


There are two kinds of mothers and I don't mean biological and non-biological. What I mean is breeder and nurturer. Breeders give life and little else. Nurturers give their heart no matter if the  child is biological or not. My mother was a breeder. I chose to be a nurturer.


Today was not a good eating for me. I ate a pack of peanut butter crackers at 2:47pm. No afternoon snack. I'm determined not to eat take-out today. Dinner was eaten at 6:30pm. We had meat sauce with broccoli over rotini pasta. No hunger sensations today also no urge to binge.


There was a strange occurrence last night. I was watching a movie with a friend over the phone. While watching the movie I decided to break my own rule and get some chips and a little dip. I was a bit heavy handed on the chip portion, but I thought it would be okay. It would serve as my late night snack. Midway into the pile of chips and I suddenly had to stop. Everything started tasting really. I lost my appetite and put the chips and dip away. That is a first. I don't know how it came to be. My guess is the daily purging of my feeling and heightened awareness of eating habits is beginning change me. I'm in an altered state. I have to say, it felt pretty darn good being able to push those chips away. I hope and pray the binging cycle soon dissipates. And I hope it stays gone forever.


One other thing, I kept my promise to myself last night and exercised for 5 minutes. Tonight I will do it again. I'll work on building stamina after I work on staying true to my word. Baby steps.