March 23, 2014

Sorry it's taken me a few days to publish another post. Sometimes I just need to take a little time to allow everything to process and prepare for another purge. Sometimes I get started on a post and other things get in the way. Though I may miss a day or two here and there, I am always aware of my head space and what I want to share in this blog.


I've been told how therapeutic blogging can be. Of course, you never really realize it until you actually commit to it. For now, I am committed and it's serving me well.


Since I'm coming up on my first full month of writing, I'm going to take this moment to see exactly what I need to do to get to the next step. In a recent breakthrough, I realized that I do not have love for myself nor do I know how to gain love for myself. I realize that the love of others only trickles in from time to time, but the feeling of it almost never lasts. I can feel the love of my son, but have difficulty understanding how he is able to love me. And even though I am appreciative of his love, I do not feel deserving of it. There it is...I have a major issue with love, receiving love, family love, romantic love, love of friends and others. I have problems with love in all areas and this stems from my inability to see myself worthy of receiving love, especially from myself.


In a previous post, March 20th I believe, I asked that you, the readers of this blog, suggest what I post about on our 1st month anniversary. A very good friend responded. She asked that I write a post about things that I like about myself. I thought is was ingenious. And then I began to worry. What do I like myself? I didn't feel that I had much to say about that. Needless to say, I'm struggling with this. I did have a bit of a breakthrough on the subject today. I won't reveal what it is until the 25th, but I can say that I've found a way to tackle this request. I hope as I'm working on my anniversary post something else breaks through. Perhaps I can hold on to some aspects of my self observations and later expound further on them. I'll have to wait and see.


Many Thanks to my good friend who made the suggestion to write what I like about myself. You inspire me on many levels to dig deeper than I though I could.


Today's food intake, pretty good. This morning at 9:07am I had a small pepperoni cheese roll and water. At 2:37 I made two sandwiches. Toasted wheat bread with 2 thin slices of turkey ham, lettuce, tomato and a little miracle whip. I drank an orange soda that I purchased yesterday. For dinner we will have a simple chicken dish, brown rice and vegetables. I will probably reserve a small portion of the leftovers for my late night snack.

Also, I want to be completely honest and tell you that I purchased a couple cinnamon buns yesterday, one large and one small, no extra frosting or nuts. I ate the small one after dinner with every intention to eat the larger one later that night. I'm amazed that I did not eat the second cinnamon bun. As a matter of fact, I still have it now and chances are I may not eat it tonight. If I go three days without eating it I will probably discard it. No...I'm not abdicating wasting money or food. I'm just saying...If the desire isn't there, don't push it. I'll try not to give into the urge to purchase items like that again. I've done this a few times with different sweet and savory items, most of which I no longer buy. I find more frequently that I purchase certain food items with every intention to eat them and then never do. I choose to see this as a good thing. The compulsion to eat foods just because they're readily available is dissipating.


You may wonder why I'm keeping the cinnamon bun, knowing that I could potentially eat it. Well, I kind of like the feeling of wanting the cinnamon bun, but not really wanting to eat it. It's a reminder of how far I've come. So please, allow me this small indulgence. :-)


I'm thankful for disbanding another compulsion. Now if I can just stop purchasing the items. Maybe the next time I have a craving for such items, I could take the money, put it in a jar and save it for a weekend trip to the beach. Hmmm. Sounds like a plan.