March 2, 2014

I'd like to begin by thanking the Lord Jesus Christ for giving me this day. This is truly a day that the Lord has made. In this day I will suffer memories of my past and some form of the emotions that will accompany these memories. I will work to keep my promises to myself. Eating healthy and in healthy increments is a constant struggle. I know the Lord will help me. I just need to make the effort. Today is going to be a good. I does not matter how much I hurt today, because I will come out on the other side having gained something.


Success! It is 11:50am and I am eating breakfast while I write this post. Today I am having scrambled egg with a little bit of carrots, broccoli and cheese mixed in. There will be no coffee or toast today. The earlier I eat the less I can consume. Baby steps.


I probably shouldn't be multi-tasking right now. I know...I need a bit of a distraction sometimes to help get my mind off the fact that I am eating. Which is probably the exact opposite of what I should be doing. For now, it's working, so I forge forward. Even though I'm keeping my word and making every effort to start eating on or before noon, I still don't have any desire to eat. I've had a little water with my medicines this morning and I will make a point to drink water throughout the day. I try to get a glass of water almost every time I go to the kitchen. I do feel the sensation of thirst periodically, which in an improvement. I've yet to feel physical hunger sensations. So eating is more of a forced action than a reaction to a need. At least I'm eating before the bewitching hour of 4pm.


I don't think lunch will happen today. It hasn't for some time. My usual eating routine, when in binge mode, starts with eating around 4pm, cooking dinner between 6-8pm, eating again between 8-9pm and then my snack around 1-2am. This routine is what has developed so far out of 4 years of working on this disorder. When not in binge mode and feeling stronger, I am able to begin eating around 10am, having a desire to do so which is what sets these two modes apart. Lunch is around 12:30-1pm. I'll have a small snack like peanut butter and crackers around 3-3:30pm and start dinner around 4-4:30pm. Dinner would be served about 6-6:30. A late night snack is usually prepared, but seldom eaten during better times.


Remember how wonderful I felt yesterday? Well, today I woke up with my internal voices nagging at me. You know, those voice that play over and over in your head like a broken record. Voice from the past telling you that you're not good enough...you're not smart enough. That's what I'm dealing with today. It's as if I'm not allowed to be happy. My mind fills with negative thoughts reminiscent of the abusive treatment received from my parents. Whenever I was happy they would do something, say something or allow something to take away my happiness. There were only brief moments of happiness on the occasion they got everything they wanted out of me, which was rare. Whatever they got from me was usually never enough.
I was eight or nine, when my mother came into my room and began beating me while I was slept. She whaled on me for a long time, until she was out of breath. Once she was able to compose herself, she told me to get up and go to the kitchen. When I got to the kitchen, she picked up a fork and waved it in my face, yelling and screaming at me for putting the fork in the drying rack with a speck of food on it. The beating began again and then she ordered me to re-wash all of the dishes. Memories like that and much worse haunt me daily. It's no wonder I turned to food for comfort. Comfort was scarce and food never hurt me.
Enough with the memories for now. I've finished my breakfast and I'm feeling good about eating a meal before 1pm. Dinner will be collard greens, candied yams and turkey ham.