Release. Regroup. Regain Control.

For the past few weeks, I've attempted to do some soul searching, and I still can’t put my finger on why I'm struggling with daily exercise. Exercise had become such a joy to do. I almost never let anything stop me. Even on the hard nights, I was committed to doing at least 15 minutes. I wish I could identify the problem. I can’t even remember when the problem started. I think about exercise. I genuinely want to exercise. I tell myself I need to exercise, and then I do nothing.

My anxiety has gone down quite a bit. I was able to teach and present last week without feeling like the world was about to cave in on me. I think I’m finally developing the process I need to do public speaking engagements more regularly. I also continue doing well with eating. I’ve not binged since the last time I mentioned nor have I starved myself. I’ve indulged in soft-serve cones from McDonald’s here lately. It’s become my favorite Summertime treat. Even still, I’m mindful of what I eat.

I’ve not gone back to church since I had the mini-binge after service. I miss going, but I will not force myself to be part of a group that does not want me. I had enough of that as a child. I promised myself when I grew up I would not willingly be subject to that kind of treatment. Why should I go to church every Sunday with a smile on my face only to have it wiped away by being reminded how much I don’t belong? How dare those people try to make me feel I’m not good enough. I even endured rejection when I opened my heart and my home to a few of the members. I’ve come way to far to fall back into that trap. I am good enough. I know that for a fact and no one can tell me different. Hmph.

So now that I’ve released, I put my soapbox away, and am left with the conundrum, what next. How do I regroup and regain control again? I don’t know. While I figure it out, I will continue to focus on the good.

Onward and Upward!

I’m Scared

The scariest thing on this journey is the looming possibility of failure, deposited back to whence I came, missing out on finding who I am. The person I became 40 plus years ago is not the person I am, my organic self that is. I only had two years as my original self before everything began. I’m just getting to the point where I’m not as empty inside. I can feel. I mean I can feel something real, not just my PTSD and anxiety checking in.

Healing has placed much in me and taken much out of me.

I wish hurting didn’t hurt so much. It was easier living in a fog. Of course, if I opted for easy, I wouldn’t have made it this far. Would I appreciate life as much as I do now had I not gone through hell? Hell was home. It keeps trying to creep back into my life. I have a new home. It just doesn’t feel like home right now. Nothing feels right.

I just ate a little chicken and a few crackers. I may have a small bowl of ice cream. At least, that’s what I tell myself as a comfort. I may not eat ice cream. Not in the mood. I’m thirsty. They say thirst and hunger register the same in the body, so if you’re hungry try drinking water first to see if the hunger will subside. Well, that may work for the physical hunger, but it does not work for emotional hunger, better known as “the feed.” The feed won’t be your fool. It has it’s purpose and does not stray from the course.

It's 11:46 PM, too late to eat and too early for bed. Still feeling tired, but not as tired as I did this afternoon. Perhaps I’ll clean up and journal for a bit. I might even write a letter to my therapist. I do that from time to time. It’s easier to share deeply when not watching the clock. Time is money.

I wish for you all a peaceful night and a good day tomorrow.

Until next time. Onward and Upward.

Damn!

I can’t tell if I’m struggling more this year than other years or if it just feels like it.

Hi, it’s been a couple of months since I’ve written here. There has been a fair share of ups and downs on this leg of my recovery journey as well as with my son’s health. He’s getting over a very bad asthma episode. It was the first time he’s ever gone to the emergency room due to asthma. The more I pray and work to find ways to combat his illnesses the more they seem to persist. Doctors aren’t much help. He’s doing better so far. I pray he continues doing well.  

It wasn’t that long ago I came down from a period of binge eating. I haven’t yet stabilized completely. My eating has improved over the past couple months. Me exercising is another matter. I’ve made attempts to exercise more. To be completely honest I’m exhausted. In March I had what seemed like month-long anxiety attach. It happened in waves. I started feeling better April and May. Binge eating stopped as I turned my focus toward much more rewarding subjects like creativity which I’ve had abundantly lately. I’m not mad about that. There were days I had to pull in the reins so not to lose focus on projects I needed to get done. I’ve also done well to stay away from donuts which can be an intense trigger for me.

Am I back on the right road to recovery. Not yet. Today I had a mini-binge after church. What was the trigger? Church. My church, in particular, is not a haven. I’m not sure why this is. Everyone else seems to be happy there. Maybe it’s me. I left with an old familiar feeling of being unloved and unwanted which lead to a deep heaviness in my heart that also translated to my limbs. I managed to pick-up something for lunch. When I returned home, I found my son taking a nap, so I sat at my computer and voraciously ate a few chicken legs, wings, and cheesy potatoes, after which I nodded a bit. When I woke up, I could barely move. My body was heavy as if weights were on me. It took every bit of energy I had to get lunch for my son. I had to lie down. I cried, asking God why am I so unlovable. TD Jakes was on my tables. I watched a couple of sermons and felt better.  At least I’m able to move around. I’ll try to get a few things done before I call it a night. In the meantime, I wanted to take a moment to share my thoughts with you.

Sorry I haven’t been around more. There are so many things I need and want to get done and do. Until I’m able to sort out my schedule, this is the best I can do. I’ll have more time to write this month and next. So I’ll take the opportunity to do so.

Going to get something else to eat. Onward but not upward for now. I have hope that tomorrow will be better.