I’m Scared

The scariest thing on this journey is the looming possibility of failure, deposited back to whence I came, missing out on finding who I am. The person I became 40 plus years ago is not the person I am, my organic self that is. I only had two years as my original self before everything began. I’m just getting to the point where I’m not as empty inside. I can feel. I mean I can feel something real, not just my PTSD and anxiety checking in.

Healing has placed much in me and taken much out of me.

I wish hurting didn’t hurt so much. It was easier living in a fog. Of course, if I opted for easy, I wouldn’t have made it this far. Would I appreciate life as much as I do now had I not gone through hell? Hell was home. It keeps trying to creep back into my life. I have a new home. It just doesn’t feel like home right now. Nothing feels right.

I just ate a little chicken and a few crackers. I may have a small bowl of ice cream. At least, that’s what I tell myself as a comfort. I may not eat ice cream. Not in the mood. I’m thirsty. They say thirst and hunger register the same in the body, so if you’re hungry try drinking water first to see if the hunger will subside. Well, that may work for the physical hunger, but it does not work for emotional hunger, better known as “the feed.” The feed won’t be your fool. It has it’s purpose and does not stray from the course.

It's 11:46 PM, too late to eat and too early for bed. Still feeling tired, but not as tired as I did this afternoon. Perhaps I’ll clean up and journal for a bit. I might even write a letter to my therapist. I do that from time to time. It’s easier to share deeply when not watching the clock. Time is money.

I wish for you all a peaceful night and a good day tomorrow.

Until next time. Onward and Upward.

I'm Doing it! 22 Push-ups for 22 Days

When I posted the other day about the 22 day challenge that I saw on YouTube, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it. I could not have told you the last time I actually did one push-up let alone 22. Last night, as I was preparing to do my workout I almost backed out of doing the challenge, but decided to keep my word. So I got on the floor with my knees together, ankles up and crossed and I did my push-ups. The coolest thing about it all was that I could have done a few more, but I didn't. Instead I continued with my regular workout with a huge smile on my face as I sent a great many "thank you" up to heaven.

I thought about my brothers and sisters who may have some difficulty getting on the floor to do push-ups. If any of you out there want to participate in this challenge, but feel you are not able because you can't get down on the floor...not to worry. Another way you can do a push-up is to stand at your kitchen counter. Put both hands on the counter with arms spread apart as if ready to do a push-up. Keep your hands on the counter while taking a few step back from the counter and raise your heels (it's like being in position to do a push-up only while standing, leaning forward). Only go back as far as comfortable for you. You body should be at an angle. Slowly lower your upper body down towards the counter. Allow your arms and your toes to support the weight of you. Go as low as you comfortably can and then push yourself back up. See how many of these you can do. Even if you can't do all 22, what you are doing is of great support to the cause and provides healthy movement for you.

Today I've done the challenge twice so far. Trying to catch up since so far behind. If you are able to do more, then do so, otherwise go at your own pace.

In acknowledgment and remembrance of the veterans who've long suffered from PTSD.

 

22 Push Up Challenge - Raising Awarenss of Veterans Battling PTSD

 

 

 

September is National Suicide Awareness Month.

Raising awareness of veterans who have committed suicide due to PTSD.

Sorry I'm just getting this information out now. I came across the challenge earlier today and decided to take it on. I don't know if I can do 22 push ups at one time, but I will get 22 push ups done throughout the day for the next 22 days.

Moving for life and awareness.

Insomnia Night #1 - June 19, 2014

The last few days haven't been so bad. My nighttime feedings seemed to be slowly fading away until last night.

I don't know what was going on with me last night. I could not sleep no matter how hard I tried. I even had a couple glasses of wine and that didn't help. As a matter of fact, I didn't enjoy the wine at all. I started snacking. First I got a hand full of chips. The taste was awful and I struggled to eat them. Even though I struggled I didn't stop until the last one was gone. Unsatisfied I continued to toss and turn again. Things were different last night. It wasn't my mind roaming through the kitchen as it has in the past, it was my emotional state that was searching for comfort. I just wanted to relax and go to sleep.

My mind was racing. Bad thoughts creeping in...memories of my past that I really didn't want to deal with...not tonight. I can't seem to calm myself. I'm pacing the floor and visiting the bathroom frequently to look at my self in the mirror. I reminded myself to love myself, but that wasn't the issue. My love for myself is growing. This wasn't about self it was simply about comfort. I was emotionally and physically uncomfortable. Could it be hormones? I am of that age. Could this be PTSD? I think I'm becoming hyper vigilant. Starting to feel like something's going to happen. What the hell?! I just want to go to sleep.

I check on my son. He's sleeping peacefully and so is our little Ginger. I check the locks on the doors and make sure all the windows are shut. I turn on the back light to see if anything is going on outside. I peer out of the front window and everything is still.

Everything is fine, but I still can't sleep.

I've been praying more lately. Mostly being thankful for all God has graciously done for me. I felt fine while praying last night...I think. As the night went on the feeling of being out of sorts increased. I should have been paying more attention. As I recall, memories started coming in a couple nights ago. It wasn't too terribly bad...the usual. I did have a nightmare a few nights ago also. One of those reoccurring nightmares where I'm running from something or someone the entire time. I am so exhausted after a night of running in my dreams. I usually remember these thing and take mental note of them, but I didn't this time. I hate being this way.

I tossed and turned for another hour or so and then I went back to the kitchen. I need comfort. What will give me comfort? And then I thought...ice cream. That's it! Usually when I eat something sweet is sooths me right to sleep. I had one twix ice cream bar left. This should do it. I ate the ice cream and waited for the sugar to kick in. I think I felt a little comforted, but it wasn't enough. Not to mention I didn't even enjoy the taste. It's like my mind stopped working properly and my taste buds became overly sensitive. The salt from the chips actually burned my tongue a little. That was a first. The taste of everything was over-exaggerated.

What's else can I do? There's nothing. I could take a sleep aide, but I don't because my son may call for me in the middle of the night. Sometimes he has nose bleeds or needs albuterol. I have to be able to hear him if he needs me. I'm so tired. Tired of going to the kitchen. It's not working for me anyway. Tired of walking around the house checking to see if everything is okay. Tired of flipping from side to side in my bed. I've gotta go to sleep. I can't take this funky feeling anymore. Need to sleep.

I'm no stranger to insomnia. Usually it's welcomed. Sleepless hours are the time when I get lots of writing done or perhaps work on a drawing. I quite enjoy the quite stillness of the house, however, I didn't feel the joy last night. I hope tonight is better. I'm still not quite myself. Past memories are still haunting me. If it gets bad for me again tonight I'm going to do something different. I'm going to exorcise. Why didn't I think of that last night? I can do some stretches and deep breathing, maybe even try meditation. That's it! Choose to take a healthier path and a healthier view of what's happening. I can't stop it, so I'm going to have to manage it. 

My eating today was not too good. I ate my first meal around 1:30 and only then because I continue to fear waiting too long to eat and experiencing the dreaded pain and discomfort afterwards. When I did decide to eat I had something light. It was left over orzo with tomatoes and veggies. That settled well on my stomach. For dinner we had a vegetable medley and oven baked popcorn shrimp.

Tonight I will pray as I usual and hope the bad images in my head fade again. I used to get angry when this happened. How could my parents be such pigs and do what they did to me! Why couldn't I have been precious in their eyes? I don't get that angry anymore. It's not worth it. I loved my parents...despite what they did. I had no one else to love and they were all I knew. I just wish the bad memories would go away. I'm beginning to make some peace with what they did to me. It's easier when I am able to feel self worth. I'm getting better about feeling self worth. Okay...I've put my thoughts to paper. Perhaps I will find a measure of peace from this. Tomorrow is another day.

Goodnight my friends, pleasant dreams.