A Little Something For You

Hi there, I want to share a little something with you before I go to bed. It's late here...1:15am, so I'm going to tidy up a bit and call it a night. 

Last night I had gotten real hungry. I ate a small snack of leftover turkey and a handful of plain unsalted chips. Yeah, I wanted more, but I didn't eat more. I went straight to bed and prayed for sleep. Last night was a successful night.

Today was a very good day and tonight has been good also. No cravings or hunger so far. I just hope I can get to sleep soon.

Anyway, I was thinking of you guys and found this video to share.

Keeping you all in my prayers.

Goodnight...

At Storms End

In life we all will experience storms. Some storms pass through quickly and others linger for what seems like an eternity. No matter the size or duration, all storms leave their mark.

As you know, I have been experiencing many storms. This past storm lasted 6 months and is now coming to its end. The storms I speak of are the storms of life which can be financial, relationships, physical health, mental health or spiritual health...whatever. For me it could be either or a combination of all. It just depends...

With each storm there is the potential to fall back into the hard to break habit of binging and starving. Even though I have fallen several times, I have not stayed in the cycle long. This is a great improvement. During the last leg of my most recent storm I have been able to maintain a healthier eating style. Every morning like clock work, I rise out of bed, give my son his meds, say my prayers and cook breakfast.

Remember when it was difficult for me to deal with breakfast? How I used to start each day with a pack of cheese crackers? It may have taken a few months and a couple back steps, but I seldom give into the urge to starve myself. As far as binging...well, as with anything, it is a work in progress. Every part of me is a work in progress and progress is what I am seeing.

I know I say this often, but it reins true for anyone who struggles with ED or addiction of any kind.
There are days when I feel stronger and there are days when I feel that failure is my only companion. Today I feel strong. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I'm not going to worry about it. I'm only focusing on what I can handle in this moment while giving thanks for the strides I've made and the resources for healing that I've gained.

No matter how bad things may seem from one moment to the next...keep up the good fight...
 

DON'T GIVE UP! 

Insomnia Night #1 - June 19, 2014

The last few days haven't been so bad. My nighttime feedings seemed to be slowly fading away until last night.

I don't know what was going on with me last night. I could not sleep no matter how hard I tried. I even had a couple glasses of wine and that didn't help. As a matter of fact, I didn't enjoy the wine at all. I started snacking. First I got a hand full of chips. The taste was awful and I struggled to eat them. Even though I struggled I didn't stop until the last one was gone. Unsatisfied I continued to toss and turn again. Things were different last night. It wasn't my mind roaming through the kitchen as it has in the past, it was my emotional state that was searching for comfort. I just wanted to relax and go to sleep.

My mind was racing. Bad thoughts creeping in...memories of my past that I really didn't want to deal with...not tonight. I can't seem to calm myself. I'm pacing the floor and visiting the bathroom frequently to look at my self in the mirror. I reminded myself to love myself, but that wasn't the issue. My love for myself is growing. This wasn't about self it was simply about comfort. I was emotionally and physically uncomfortable. Could it be hormones? I am of that age. Could this be PTSD? I think I'm becoming hyper vigilant. Starting to feel like something's going to happen. What the hell?! I just want to go to sleep.

I check on my son. He's sleeping peacefully and so is our little Ginger. I check the locks on the doors and make sure all the windows are shut. I turn on the back light to see if anything is going on outside. I peer out of the front window and everything is still.

Everything is fine, but I still can't sleep.

I've been praying more lately. Mostly being thankful for all God has graciously done for me. I felt fine while praying last night...I think. As the night went on the feeling of being out of sorts increased. I should have been paying more attention. As I recall, memories started coming in a couple nights ago. It wasn't too terribly bad...the usual. I did have a nightmare a few nights ago also. One of those reoccurring nightmares where I'm running from something or someone the entire time. I am so exhausted after a night of running in my dreams. I usually remember these thing and take mental note of them, but I didn't this time. I hate being this way.

I tossed and turned for another hour or so and then I went back to the kitchen. I need comfort. What will give me comfort? And then I thought...ice cream. That's it! Usually when I eat something sweet is sooths me right to sleep. I had one twix ice cream bar left. This should do it. I ate the ice cream and waited for the sugar to kick in. I think I felt a little comforted, but it wasn't enough. Not to mention I didn't even enjoy the taste. It's like my mind stopped working properly and my taste buds became overly sensitive. The salt from the chips actually burned my tongue a little. That was a first. The taste of everything was over-exaggerated.

What's else can I do? There's nothing. I could take a sleep aide, but I don't because my son may call for me in the middle of the night. Sometimes he has nose bleeds or needs albuterol. I have to be able to hear him if he needs me. I'm so tired. Tired of going to the kitchen. It's not working for me anyway. Tired of walking around the house checking to see if everything is okay. Tired of flipping from side to side in my bed. I've gotta go to sleep. I can't take this funky feeling anymore. Need to sleep.

I'm no stranger to insomnia. Usually it's welcomed. Sleepless hours are the time when I get lots of writing done or perhaps work on a drawing. I quite enjoy the quite stillness of the house, however, I didn't feel the joy last night. I hope tonight is better. I'm still not quite myself. Past memories are still haunting me. If it gets bad for me again tonight I'm going to do something different. I'm going to exorcise. Why didn't I think of that last night? I can do some stretches and deep breathing, maybe even try meditation. That's it! Choose to take a healthier path and a healthier view of what's happening. I can't stop it, so I'm going to have to manage it. 

My eating today was not too good. I ate my first meal around 1:30 and only then because I continue to fear waiting too long to eat and experiencing the dreaded pain and discomfort afterwards. When I did decide to eat I had something light. It was left over orzo with tomatoes and veggies. That settled well on my stomach. For dinner we had a vegetable medley and oven baked popcorn shrimp.

Tonight I will pray as I usual and hope the bad images in my head fade again. I used to get angry when this happened. How could my parents be such pigs and do what they did to me! Why couldn't I have been precious in their eyes? I don't get that angry anymore. It's not worth it. I loved my parents...despite what they did. I had no one else to love and they were all I knew. I just wish the bad memories would go away. I'm beginning to make some peace with what they did to me. It's easier when I am able to feel self worth. I'm getting better about feeling self worth. Okay...I've put my thoughts to paper. Perhaps I will find a measure of peace from this. Tomorrow is another day.

Goodnight my friends, pleasant dreams.

April 5, 2014

Confession: I had a small set back last night, a mini-binge. I don't know why. I was feeling good, not frustrated about anything or with anyone. It started with a can of pears in extra light syrup and then it went into a piece of chicken with a few okra and a couple spoons of mac-n-cheese. I topped it off with two lemon pudding cups. Now that I think about it, my trigger may have been having too many sweet options. I've been limiting my choices. Didn't think about it much other than noting how well I'd been doing. I don't feel bad about my mini-binge. It's definitely not the end of the world. I've since remove some of the foods of interest (give to a friend) so I can return to my new normal. I don't feel like another binge is waiting in the wings, but why tempt fate.


Life continues to be good. My production level is still high and I'm enjoying the accomplishments. I'll be going into the studio on Friday to finish recording my poem and I'm looking forward to Mother's day plans. It's something that we do every year. The day before Mother's day my dear friend (god sister) and her son (my godson) will pack their bags and join me and my son for an evening of great fun and delicious food.We will have cook our favorite foods, always including the boys favorites too. Everyone will have on their most comfortable clothing. If weather permits, we moms will perch ourselves on the front porch where we will nibble delicious fare and sip on homemade hard lemonade. More than likely, the kids will abandon us and adhere themselves to electronic devices. In the meantime, the soulful sound of oldies will be wafting through the air.


When evening comes we will gather in the den to watch a couple movies before retreating to our individual corners where we will surrender ourselves to peaceful slumber, having smiles on our faces and happy memories in our heads. The next day, all left overs are divided between us and my god sister and godson will return home. This has been our tradition for the past 4 years and something that we all look forward to.


It's getting late and I'm a little tired. I want to share an aha moment I had this morning, it will have to wait until tomorrow's post. Hope you all have a wonderful and peace filled night.


For breakfast I had my usual eggs with a little chicken on the side. Lunch was a sandwich I purchased while out and dinner is was left over chicken with okra and veggies. I will set aside a late night snack and hope not to binge.

Back From Break - April 25, 2014

It's good to be back! I have just had the most wonderful, peaceful, restful break. I hope everyone had a lovely holiday weekend and Spring Break.


I cooked most of the time while we were on break, but I will report that we did get take out 3 times. It was good and so was I. I did not order extra foods for binging. I tried to order foods that were healthy...a whole meal if you will. I purposely avoided sandwiches for myself because that would only be a tease and could trigger a binge. There was one night when I had two handfuls of vanilla wafers. That night was my only weak moment...pretty good, eh. I wouldn't really call that a binge because it had been several hours since we ate dinner. We ate around 5:30 or so. I had not eaten anything else until the cookies. I count that as being pretty good.


Breakfasts are much easier to deal with. Now, I will say this...there were no stresses over the break period. We started to have company, but I found it to be a little too stressful having to get ready for guests. Besides, having company does not equate to taking a break, especially when breaks rarely occur. No company this go 'round. Not having stresses made it much easier to stay on task. The scheduled eating time is really working for me. My mind is much more receptive to accepting time as opposed to sensation. There are not excuses when it comes to scheduling times to eat.


It feels good to write again. I'm so glad to be sitting here writing in my blog again. There were moments when I was tempted to write, only because I miss talking to you guys, but I made myself stay true to myself and adhered to my own wishes for having this break. I needed a break from everything.


It won't be long before having my therapy session. I plan on talking more in depth about the letter to myself. As I stated before, an emotion came up from a pivotal point in my life that I need to take time to address. I usually like to process things of this nature, having all my pros and cons in place before discussing it with my therapist. When I do that, I feel like I'm giving her a complete thought as opposed to something random. We only have an hour and I like to make good use of the time.


My plan is to resume writing my letter or at least asking more questions and answering them without thought to see what comes up. That's pretty much how things happened the last time. I posed my question and an emotion poured out without thought, which was startling, but a revelation too. The emotion that emerged gave me reason as to why I made the decision I made and why I've been carrying a looming feeling of nothingness. I hope more emotions emerge this weekend. I ready this time... And if it doesn't happen, that's okay too. I'll just keep writing.


I'm also glad to report that I have not had crackers as a meal for some time now. This was not a decision of mine, it sort of came out of necessity when I found that my son had eaten the rest of my crackers one night. I freaked at first...wondering what to do. My initial thought was that I would have great difficulty eating anything other than my crackers. Lo and behold, the crackers may have been a bit of a crutch. Once again, appeasing my mind which made me believe that I could not tolerate eating anything other than crackers first thing in the day. That theory has been proven wrong. I can eat other foods, just small portions. So I am still eating eggs for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and then dinner. I usually don't have an evening snack nor do I eat a late night snack every night.


It's time to take a serious look at exercising. I'm really going to need it now for two reasons. I am eating at my optimum and want to increase my metabolism, especially since I'm giving my body enough fuel to do so. Exercising regularly will also help me deal with stress better. I'm thinking that I will need to do some stretches and deep breathing exercises at first. This should help me cope with the emotions that I'll have to face while writing my letter. I am at a critical point. My eating seems to be on track and steady. I am feeling hunger in the morning and my body is getting used to having the calories. At this time it is key to find and maintain ways to deal with stress. Stress in the number one cause for my downfalls; after stress comes the depression and finally guilt. By then my eating is off track and I have to start from square one again. I don't want that to happen. Everything has been really good so far. One tiny step at a time...One day at a time.


It won't be long before I've reached 30 days of eating well. Should I count the cookie thing as a mini binge? Maybe for argument's sake I'll hold off on claiming 30 days without binging. I want it to be solid. I'm satisfied with the way things are now and look forward to many more good days and nights.

April 18, 2014

It's Friday everyone! I'm so glad we made it to the weeks end. I've had a pretty good week and I hope the same for you.


Last time I posted, I shared concerns about my having strong cravings for sweets, late night. All has gone well with that. It seems once I recognized that I had a sweet option (pears in extra light syrup) everything was okay. Like a sedative, my mind instantly calmed and I did not have strong cravings that night or last night and I still have my pears. I guess that's what you call mind over matter.


As a whole, I think that I'm doing fairly well. I'm having some stressful issues, but not so bad that I'm messing up on day time eating.


Do holidays trigger you to eat differently? Fortunately for me, I don't engage in traditional holiday practice, so holidays rarely influence my eating. I just know not to allow free access to foods that may trigger binging.


For the last couple of days I've had eggs and cheese for breakfast, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch and for dinner, some form of chicken with brown rice or wheat pasta and veggies.


This weekend I'll be working more on my vision of self. I heard a saying from someone, can't remember who. They say if you can envision yourself smaller than you will get smaller. I doubt there's any merit to that. If there were, there would me more thin people in the world. Oh how I wish I cold think myself thin. Anyway, I'm wanting to try exercise again, so I will, but I won't make any promises to myself...not just yet.


I would really like your input on something. In many of my posts, I have noted what foods I've eaten for that day. I'm not sure if this is a good thing for you to read or not. On other sites, I notice that they ask people to be sensitive about what they post, especially numbers like weight and calories. I wont be posting any weights and I don't measure my food. That is a big no..no for me. Measuring and weighing foods will send me careening back into starvation mode. Anything resembling a diet is no good for me. My question to you is...does it bother you when I share what I've eaten that day or do you find it helpful to know or does it matter at all? Just wondering...


I'm not planning on posting this weekend.


Happy Easter! I hope you all have a safe and pleasant holiday weekend.

April 12, 2014

It’s Saturday afternoon. The weather is perfect, 80 degrees, blue skies and low humidity. I'm feeling pretty good today. I've been eating well over the past few days, sticking close to my eating schedule. I didn't eat breakfast today. Nothing's wrong, I woke up early waiting for the lawn people to come. While waiting I fell asleep and did not wake up again until after noon. I'm okay about that.


Lunch was eggs and cheese with a cup of water. Snack time was around 5pm. I ate a can of pears in extra light syrup. Dinner was a little late, right at 8pm. I ate a few pieces of smoked turkey sausage and a serving of steamed potatoes with onions and peas.


Yesterday, I stood in front of the hall mirror and took a good look at myself, a rare occurrence. My clothes looked loose on my body, but I'm still huge. I can't tell where any weight, if any, has been lost. Weight loss is not one of my current goals. Not just yet. I'm still trying to work out eating as I should during the day while keeping a close eye on night time eating behaviors. So far, so good. I could get on the scale, but I'm not quite ready for that. Maybe I should...then again maybe not...


If only it were as easy as just eating right or exercising enough or even having a healthy self-image, but it's not. There are too many layers. With every turn or epiphany there's another layer revealed. It's never ending. Am I frustrated? No, but I am intrigued. I think I'm starting to see why things of this nature can take so long and take so much effort. I never knew healing was so complex. However, on the other hand, I welcome the complexities because I'm learning a lot about myself, my abilities, and my strengths. I'm seeing my own process step-by-step as I write it out in this blog. My ability to reason things out is one of my strengths. It’s my most valuable coping mechanism aside from disassociation.


I'm thinking about doing a post on self-image. Inspiration comes from the video that I posted yesterday. I hope you guys enjoyed. I found it to be profound, a simple concept that changes lives…how ingenious. Believe it or not, I'm also still looking for inspiration as I begin working on my letter to self. One thing did come to mind. If I'm not yet able to communicate with the child self, perhaps I should approach communicating with my adult self, ultimately working my way back in time. That's doable. It will be easier this way, because I am learning to love and appreciate myself in the now so that I can feel love and compassion for myself in the past. Makes sense? Moving forward...


So what did you guys think about yesterday's post? I know it's an advertisement, but beyond that it was an inspired and inspirational concept. Seeing one's self as beautiful is simply a state of mind. Brilliant! If you did not take time to watch the video, please do and share it also. I think more women need to understand that we have to learn, even be inspired to see our own beauty. The beauty is there, even though we can't see it. Seeing our own beauty is not something that comes naturally, because we've more than likely not been around women who've projected healthy self-images. Most of our self-image issues are learned behavior. As you can see from the video, learned behavior can be undone, it's just a matter of how.


It's getting late and I'm going to watch a little tv. Tomorrow I'll continue working on my letter to self and processing my thoughts on self-image.

Pacifying My Mind - April 3, 2014

I can't close this day without being completely honest. As I pushed myself away from my desk a thought came into mind. Trickery. How easy it is to convince myself that I've made an effort to do better most days. Truth...I wasn't making that much of an effort. I just told myself I was to pacify my mind. What I'd actually say to myself is, "It's okay if I only ate a pack of crackers all day. It's because I can't eat during the day. Just be happy that you ate something, that's what matters...you tried." This is my cop-out. Truth is, I didn't want to eat and I still don't. No matter how many times I say I want to eat...I don't. I don't! I DON'T WANT TO EAT! But I have to eat to get better. There...I've said it...this is my truth. I'm strong enough to admit it now.


Yeah, scheduled meals is going to make great change...much needed change. No more excuses. No more pacifying my mind.

1...2...3 Swallow - April 3, 2014

Having a new found understanding of my unwillingness to eat sufficiently during the day has given me cause to change my game plan. Up until now, my focus was on eating a little something 3 times a day if possible. On rare occasions I may also include a daytime snack. Those efforts have fizzled for me again. I'm not worried about this. As I've stated before, beating myself up about short comings is fruitless and leads to forbidden paths. It's better to work on maintaining a healthy outlook on the progress I'm making:


1. I am making efforts daily to have a healthier relationship with food.
2. Even though it's difficult, I do consciously eat something everyday, even if it's a small amount.
3. I am not craving night feeds and sweets are almost out of my diet. This is huge!!
4. I continue to fight off denial by being completely honest with myself in that which I am aware.
5. I have assessed my discomfort, a desire to change, purpose of self discover and need for commitment. Not only have I processed these issues in my mind, I'm actively working on them as well.
6. As I purge my thoughts, memories emerge.
7. I am able to identify some of the root beginnings to my problems.
8. I remain patient with myself in moments of self-doubt.
9. I remain humbled by this process and the encouraging comments that I've received so far.
10. I am slowly peeling back the layers revealing a way inside.
11. I have embraced the truth about my not being fully committed to myself in the healing process and making strides to change.
12. In the midst of discomfort associated with embracing myself, I am managing to find ways to show myself love.


To my friend who faithfully comments on my posts. No, I did not realize how well I've been doing until you brought it to the surface. I was feeling as though I were sinking, not drowning, but wondering which way to go from here. Thank you for pointing out the stages of my progress.


1...2...3 swallow. I chew my food thoroughly and then I swallow. There was no joy in eating today. Just the mechanics of chewing and swallowing, sensation of being full...finished. I don't expect to enjoy eating every time. I'm grateful for the times I am able to enjoy meals. It's not often, but that's okay. I'm going to have to tough this out. If going through the motions is what it takes for me to get over this hurdle...so be it. I asked myself if what I've been doing is working for me. No, it isn't. If something doesn't work...leave it…time for a change of plan. Instead of waiting for or provoking physical cues, I am setting a scheduled time to eat. No room for excuses...just eat. At this point it does not matter how much I eat, only that I become accustomed to eating on a schedule. Once I'm able to get my mind to accept the schedule, then I will work on slowly increasing my intake. I believe it will be easier to adhere to a time as opposed to a sensation.


This morning was stressful, but I did manage to eat a pack of cheese crackers for breakfast. Lunch was around 1pm. I had a fish sandwich, fries and an orange drink. I thought about ordering one of those little baked pies, but quickly dismissed the thought. No need for extras. For dinner I had 3 scrambled eggs with cheese, chicken and toast. I ate dinner around 7:30pm, still wasn't hungry, but ate anyway.

Daytime Anorexia - April 1, 2014

While finishing up yesterday's post I revealed something about myself that I had not given thought to. I revealed that I am actually avoiding eating during the day. For the past 4 years and longer, I've been in denial. My claim was that I "couldn't" eat during the day. It did not dawn on me that my behavior was that of someone who "wouldn't" eat during the day. I remember... There have been times that I felt that I could eat something, so I'd search around for the smallest morsel of food I could find. I'd even chuckle at myself when opening a bag of Lays potato chips because I actually could only eat just one.


Others have witnessed this too, but I paid them little mind. My son used to receive OT (occupational therapy) services. We loved our OT, he really knew how to work with my son and he's also a real stand up guy. One morning, just after finishing working with my son, the OT noticed that I was eating. He was surprised and stated so. He'd never seen me eat anything before and was glad to see me eating something...anything. I was nibbling on a cookie. It had one chocolate cookie and one vanilla cookie with vanilla cream in the center. I'd been nibbling on the cookie for just about an hour at that time. I never took actual bites, but nibbled clockwise around the cookie, slowly making it to the center. How odd that I could ignore behaviors like that. I did the same thing with carrots. Talk about living in an illusion. I would take anything and make it last 100 times longer than it should. One chip could lead to countless nibbles. By the time I finished nibbling the chip I would have convinced myself that I was satisfied. This is behavior associated with anorexia.


I want to be able to say that this epiphany feels great, but it doesn't. It hurts, but it's real and I need to recognized it. If I don't own it, I can't fix it.


Well, now I have an explanation for my difficulty in consuming more calories during the day. I've done very well with decreasing caloric intake at night. Almost too well. I don't want to take my recovery efforts to an extreme and end up on the other end of the eating spectrum. That would not be good. Yet another thing to combat.


Reality strikes again. This is going to be a good thing. I can see my eating during the day is not a matter of can't, but won't. I can eat more food during the day if I am willing. The will to eat will come as I continue working to love myself and be committed to myself. In my love and commitment to myself I will find the desire to devote myself to eating better during the day. Wow! There is so much connected to ones ability to love and be committed to oneself. Amazing!


I'm going to continue giving this epiphany thought. In the meantime, today I had my first meal around noon. I ate two scrambled eggs with chicken and a cup of water. Having water with meals only is not enough. I am going to make the effort to keep water near me throughout the day. If I don't, then I'm less inclined to drink.


I will slowly try increasing my food intake even if not hungry so I can get into the habit of eating during the day.


For a snack I will have a pack of crackers. I may even have a pack for my late night snack.

March 31, 2014

Greetings everyone! I hope you've had a wonderful weekend and a happy Monday. I enjoyed taking time for myself over the weekend to get away from everything and relax. I still have my usual anxiety about starting a new week, but today has been good.


I'm looking forward to sharing some of the thoughts and epiphanies that I've had over the weekend. As always, I hope to hear from you as well. Your comments are always an inspiration to me. It's getting pretty late, so this post will be short. My eating is still not where it needs to be, but I am making progress with my exercises to be committed to myself and the things that I need to do to achieve healing and a healthier relationship with myself and food.


It's has been difficult to do anything favorable for myself. Even simple things like oiling my skin a couple times a day or exercising for 5 minutes per day. I find as I continue working to love myself that I am becoming more aware of myself and the things that I find favorable about myself. I've been thinking about the little girl within. No, I have not written a letter to her yet. I've been dealing with feelings of anger towards my parents and I don't know if I should address those feelings in my letter. There is a profound sense of loss...a life wasted on nothing but survival. I think about the many talents that I had as a child and lost over the course of time. My mind drifts into thoughts of what I could have been had I had loving supportive parents. Would I have been an accomplished musician, author of a book, psychologist, anything I could have put my mind too? Would I have done well at Princeton or Yale, two schools that I was on track for, before throwing in the towel due to my parents lack of interest and support. I wanted to beat myself up for not trying harder, but how could I? I'd been fighting for survival all my life. I was tired of fighting. Instead I gave into physical needs, such as self medicating with food or alcohol.


I spent most of my adulthood blaming my parents for my lack of success. It all comes down to my inability to see my own self worth. To see myself as capable of attending any university that I desired if I just did the work. I gave up on myself. I gave up on life. I find myself wishing that I could turn back time to regain some of what was lost. I can't see being able to accomplish all that I could have then...now. I'm so much older and very tired. Will I be able to accomplish even a faction of what I once was capable of? I don't know. Dare I say it seems impossible. I have so much work to do on myself and so many responsibilities to my son and business. How will I ever manage to have the time and strength and commitment it takes to accomplish anything else? I'm not going to worry about that now. I can't. I feel the weight of this burden getting heavy and I don't need that right now. Stay focused. Only take on that which is necessary for today.


As I was saying earlier. Asides from exploring feelings of anger and loss, I also noticed some improvement of my ability to do healthy things for myself. I have acute eczema which requires putting time into skin daily regimens. I must put on steroid cream and moisturizers several times a day. Prior to this past weekend, it was like pulling teeth to take time for this task. I'd put it off later and later in the day until I'd sometimes go to bed without moisturizer or medicine at all. I've done this quite a few times and have regretted it everytime. This weekend, I found it easier and less of a trial to do. Even when my mind tried to tell me to put it off, I found the strength to say, "No, I will not put this off. It's only going to take a couple minutes and then I'll be done." Again, I know this is a small thing, but when you are damaged to the point where even the small things are colossal, all measures of improvement are cause to celebrate. One tiny step for me...one huge step toward repairing my broken heart and spirit.


Another accomplishment that I experienced over the weekend was having cake in the house and not being triggered to binge. I actually bought one of those Sara Lee butter pound cakes last week because I was craving something sweet, but didn't want anything too sweet. Pound cake was just the thing. In the past, if I had cake in the house I would cut a slice everytime I walked by, but not this time. This time was different. I had a slice of cake after my evening meals and that would be good enough. I seem to be having less and less cravings for sweets and when I do, I only want a small amount. I've even purchased take out 3 times this past week and did order extra food for a binge. One time we had chicken with okra, and fries, another night we had hoagies. I could barely finish half of my sandwich and surprisingly had the other half for the next day...not my late night snack. We also had burgers on Tuesday. I didn't enjoy it. I'm thinking that I want to take a break from burgers for awhile. That's pretty huge.


As I mentioned earlier, I'm not at the point where I'm eating as much as I'd like during the day, but I am doing well with eating much less at night. My late night snacks are shrinking in size as well. The struggle with daytime eating is getting a little worse. I'm experiencing many ups and downs with that, but I'm still holding strong. This week I will focus more on eating better during the day. Since I'm becoming more receptive to doing better for myself, maybe I will have an easier time convincing myself to eat. Hmm, convincing myself to eat. I think that's the first time I've ever put it into words. Okay, another note to self. Be aware of difficulty levels as I work on convincing myself to eat during the day.


I'm hoping to soon include exercise in my daily routine. Once I am able to establish a healthy exercise routine, I will begin posting about weight loss progress. Trust me, I'm going to need all the support I can get when that time comes. Losing weight is a huge issue for me. We'll talk about that more when the time comes.


Today was not a good eating day even though the day went well. I ate a pack of cheese and chive crackers around 3:30pm. I ate another meal consisting of a small portion of left over veggies and mac-n-cheese around 5:40pm. I have not eaten anything else. It is 9:26pm. It's got to get better. Glad I'm able to feed my son better than I feed myself.


Well, it seems that I had more to say than I originally intended. I'm so glad that I took the time to write this post tonight. I don't want to wimp out or take too long of a break from blogging. Especially since blogging has been so instrumental when processing my feelings and difficulties.

March 19, 2014

I did not write a post for yesterday. It was pretty much the same as the day before. Not really hungry. Feeling very tired. I think I'm coming to the end of a pretty large wave of events. It's been a difficult two weeks. Things are getting done...responsibilities taken care of. Finishing up a few more items on my check list and then I brace myself for next week...next month...whatever. Reset...it starts all over again.


Today I'm almost too tired to care about anything. Still feeling very tired. Everything in my being has been so rigid and now it's time to relax. This is time that I'm most vulnerable to depression. I will have to be even more mindful of my eating. Relaxing means there will be a need to feel comforted. I'm hoping to find comfort in other ways. I plan listen to music this evening, maybe play a couple online games. Anything to help me relax. I don't need anymore stressors right now. Too tired. I'll focus on eating, drinking water and resting today.


My son's cold is getting better. He's still coughing some, but not nearly as much as the other day. I can relax a little about that, but I'm always keeping an eye on him because he's had such hard times with colds in the past. Been staying on top of it. Feeling good about that.


Thank goodness the weekend is near. I can rest for a bit, try not to worry about anything and then face the next week refreshed. I will find the strength to carry on with my mission...my desire for a healthier life.


I may write another post about my childhood later. I'm not sure. If not today...then tomorrow, if energy permits. I have lots of writing projects going. I should spend more time working on them. That will be a good late night distraction.


Today for breakfast I had 2 packs of peanut butter crackers. Lunch was 3 scrambled eggs with chicken, two slices of bread and water. Not sure about dinner tonight. I'll think about that later. I was feeling a little light headed and hungry. I'm hoping a nap will help me feel better. I could be coming down with my son's cold.

March 10, 2014

It's Monday. All business issues have come to a head. One by one things are getting done. Please God let this wave of misfortune end soon. And I thank you for the good fortune of providing solutions to all my problems.


I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just getting there, that's the hard part. My hands are trembling. I've been carrying an open pack of peanut butter crackers around for the last hour and a half. The phone's ringing off the hook. Constant jumping from circumstance to circumstance. I'm not built for this. My stomach is in knots and my head is beginning to hurt. Anxiety level's rising.


I ate my peanut butter crackers around noon. I did not remember to get water. There wasn't enough time to eat lunch before therapy and dinner was something from McDonalds. I finished eating at 6:27pm. I'm happy to report that I didn't buy anything extra this time. Instead I will prepare a healthy snack of peanut butter and apples for late night.


So much has been going on today. Thank goodness I had a therapy appointment. I managed to eek out enough time to jot down a few items for discussion and highlights of progress I've made. I've been working very hard on myself and am eager to talk about the revelations and epiphanies. That may seem strange considering I've been having so many ups and downs this week. There is much more going on than the day-to-day trials of business and food intake issues.


I'm feeling calm and centered after a thorough purging at therapy. My eating was off today and still I experienced a physical hunger sensation at 3:47pm. Despite my being off, my body continues cueing me to eat. That is a very good sign. Slowly but surely things are getting better, even on off days. All in all today has been a good and productive day. It started off a bit shaky, but got much better as time went on.


Sometimes I have to remind myself not to always see the worse case scenario when trouble comes my way. Note to self: Continue working on having the courage to face obstacles. Try hard to see problems as fixable. Use calming technics to center myself and ward off feelings of impending doom when stressors are developing. Continue working on ways to manage my stress and anxiety levels through positive thoughts and affirmations. Last but not least, continue increasing daytime caloric intake. That is a must.


I have not done any exercise yet. Originally I wanted to start a couple days ago exercising 10-15 minutes per day. That's okay. To get myself started...wait...let me re-frame that. To keep my word, my promise to myself I will do at least 5 minutes exercise tonight. This will be part of my affirmation. That I am worthy of receiving and doing good things for myself. In order to foster a feeling of worthiness and self worth I will need to be better about keeping promises to myself. That begins tonight. I pray that one day soon, being good to myself won't be such a chore.


I'm tired, too tired to revisit memories tonight. Perhaps we can continue that discussions tomorrow. In the meantime take care, don't be too hard on yourself. Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to do better and be better.