April 9th, 2014

The war continues. Yesterday I was triumphant in my quest to eat 3 meals at appropriate times. Today I struggle. I'm not throwing in the towel or anything like that; I'm just saying...it's particularly hard today. I ate breakfast just after 9am. I started preparing my lunch around 1:30 and stat down to eat just before 2pm. everything seemed okay until a few bites in. I've managed to eat half of my food, but can eat no more. Did I do too much when I decided to add a piece of chicken with my eggs? I didn't think about it because I've done it before. I'm not going to read too much into this. It could be a good thing. My stomach is actually full and I need to stop eating. It won't be a problem salvaging the remainder of my lunch for a later time. I'll revisit it around 4:30pm and see what happens.


I've been thinking of ways to incorporate exercise into my day and maintain it. There have been several attempts to do this in recent past. I haven't talked about it directly because it's been so frustrating. In all honesty, it was my inability to commit to exercise that caused me to explore commitment more closely. Everything still worked out for the good. Sometimes you have to go through things to learn things and grow.


What you gain from life depends on how you chose to look at life.


I'll give exercise another try tonight. Yesterday, I visited YouTube and looked longingly at palates videos. There were so many. I loved the abs buster workouts. Most of the workouts were about 10 minutes. I'm not promising that I'll do the entire 10 minutes, but I'm willing to do as much as I can.


I hope my son is busy in another part of the house when I attempt to do my new exercise. He tends to find my attempts very interesting and entertaining. I think he still remembers another time when I wanted to try a new exercise. It was a few years ago. He might have been 6 or 7 at the time. My weight was at its highest and health issues were settling in. I wanted to do an exercise that was good for my core and easy on the joints, especially being so heavy.


There was a commercial about this cool looking exercise ball...huge ball. It looked easy to use and was inexpensive. I purchased one the next day. There were several colors offered, each one for a different weight category. I chose the blue ball because it could hold the most weight. All I had to do was pump it up and begin. Palates seem to be the thing for me, so any form I see is worth giving a try. We came home; I blew up the ball and put on the DVD. There was one exercise that was particularly easy, so I decided to start with that one.


Lying on top of the ball, stomach down and knees bent I push forward with my feet to get the ball rolling. Then I bent my knees towards the floor to make the ball roll backwards. In the meantime, I'm supposed to tighten my stomach, back and thigh muscles...breathing deeply. Easy enough...right? I'm in position and begin pushing forward with my feet. In one sweeping motion everything comes to a screeching halt. There I am...arms dangling, legs dangling...I'm stuck. The ball is wedged between my stomach and my breasts. I couldn’t move forward nor could I move backwards. I was trapped in a death match...woman vs. ball.


I tired myself out trying to get off that monster of a ball. As I lay there wondering what I'd gotten myself into, I noticed my son in the background staring and giggling. Hmph...I will not be defeated. I tried and tried, but to no avail. There was nothing I could do to get that ball rolling. The only other thing I could do was hurl myself off to the side and hope for a soft landing. I was embarrassed, but not as embarrassed as the time I got in a fight with my girdle in the women's bathroom at work.


My loving son, who is a great help most of the time, walked over to me and smiled, then politely removed the ball from the scene and took it to his room. I'll have you know that he still has that ball today. And yes, it is a reminder of what was one of the funniest exercise moments I've ever had. Good thing I wasn't being videotaped. I might have ended up becoming a You tube star.


Tonight I will try something new. Rest assured there will be no props…just me, lying on a matt and a video.

1...2...3 Swallow - April 3, 2014

Having a new found understanding of my unwillingness to eat sufficiently during the day has given me cause to change my game plan. Up until now, my focus was on eating a little something 3 times a day if possible. On rare occasions I may also include a daytime snack. Those efforts have fizzled for me again. I'm not worried about this. As I've stated before, beating myself up about short comings is fruitless and leads to forbidden paths. It's better to work on maintaining a healthy outlook on the progress I'm making:


1. I am making efforts daily to have a healthier relationship with food.
2. Even though it's difficult, I do consciously eat something everyday, even if it's a small amount.
3. I am not craving night feeds and sweets are almost out of my diet. This is huge!!
4. I continue to fight off denial by being completely honest with myself in that which I am aware.
5. I have assessed my discomfort, a desire to change, purpose of self discover and need for commitment. Not only have I processed these issues in my mind, I'm actively working on them as well.
6. As I purge my thoughts, memories emerge.
7. I am able to identify some of the root beginnings to my problems.
8. I remain patient with myself in moments of self-doubt.
9. I remain humbled by this process and the encouraging comments that I've received so far.
10. I am slowly peeling back the layers revealing a way inside.
11. I have embraced the truth about my not being fully committed to myself in the healing process and making strides to change.
12. In the midst of discomfort associated with embracing myself, I am managing to find ways to show myself love.


To my friend who faithfully comments on my posts. No, I did not realize how well I've been doing until you brought it to the surface. I was feeling as though I were sinking, not drowning, but wondering which way to go from here. Thank you for pointing out the stages of my progress.


1...2...3 swallow. I chew my food thoroughly and then I swallow. There was no joy in eating today. Just the mechanics of chewing and swallowing, sensation of being full...finished. I don't expect to enjoy eating every time. I'm grateful for the times I am able to enjoy meals. It's not often, but that's okay. I'm going to have to tough this out. If going through the motions is what it takes for me to get over this hurdle...so be it. I asked myself if what I've been doing is working for me. No, it isn't. If something doesn't work...leave it…time for a change of plan. Instead of waiting for or provoking physical cues, I am setting a scheduled time to eat. No room for excuses...just eat. At this point it does not matter how much I eat, only that I become accustomed to eating on a schedule. Once I'm able to get my mind to accept the schedule, then I will work on slowly increasing my intake. I believe it will be easier to adhere to a time as opposed to a sensation.


This morning was stressful, but I did manage to eat a pack of cheese crackers for breakfast. Lunch was around 1pm. I had a fish sandwich, fries and an orange drink. I thought about ordering one of those little baked pies, but quickly dismissed the thought. No need for extras. For dinner I had 3 scrambled eggs with cheese, chicken and toast. I ate dinner around 7:30pm, still wasn't hungry, but ate anyway.

Investigating Commitment - March 24, 2014

Tomorrow is our first month anniversary. I promise not to go crazy and talk about anniversaries every month. Our next major milestone will be at 6 months and then 1 year. I still can't believe its been a month already, feels like it's only been a few days. In essence, it has only been a few days, I guess. Nonetheless, this is a major deal.


Clearly I've had and still do have commitment issues with blogging, exercising and other healthy habits. I don't seem to have any trouble committing to wanting a healthier existence or figuring out how to live a healthier existence. Where my difficulty lies is committing to some of the steps it takes to achieve a healthier existence. There's a huge difference between the two. Does that make sense? It seems kind of weird to me, albeit a fact.


I'm going to take a closer look at this thing called commitment. Its no secret that I am in awe of people who are able to overcome insurmountable odds. I wonder what it's like to have the level of commitment it takes to achieve such extraordinary goals. How do they do that? What is the thing that propels them towards success? And why can't I manage to hold onto the inspiration received from hearing their stories?


The best course to take on this leg of my journey is to begin with the definition of that which is the "stuff" of inspirational motivation...commitment. Here are a couple definitions.

com·mit·ment

kəˈmitmənt/

noun

noun: commitment; plural noun: commitments

1. 1.

   the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.

   "the company's commitment to quality"

   synonyms:

   dedication, devotion, allegiance, loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity

The first definition for commitment is functional enough, but rather boring. I'd much prefer to use the second definition found in Urban Dictionary, and it reads:


1.

commitment

Commitment is what
Transforms the promise into reality.
It is the words that speak
Boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak
Louder than the words.
It is making the time
When there is none.
Coming through time
After time after time,
Year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff
Character is made of;
The power to change
The face of things.
It is the daily triumph
Of integrity over skepticism.

When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard.

by Ashbash January 13, 2005

This is the very thing that I want to achieve...the ability to commit to that which will helps facilitate mental, physical and spiritual healing...CHANGE!

Today I ate breakfast at 11:38am. I had a small portion of leftover rice with chicken, tomatoes and okra with a cup of water. Since I ate breakfast late, I had a snack at 3:47pm. I ate turkey ham, cheese and crackers with a cup of water. I also shared the cinnamon bun with my son this afternoon, right after snack. For Dinner I had the remainder of leftover rice, chicken and veggies with 4 fresh salmon fritters and water. For my late night snack I will have a small bowl of raisin bran cereal and milk.

Tomorrow I will resume taking 5 minutes to exercise.

"I have hope for a healthier tomorrow because I know the rest of my life begins today."

March 14, 2014

I've been scouting around looking for NES support groups with little luck. There is one lovely group that I've recently encountered that deal with eating disorders of all kinds. They didn't have much about NES. I posted on their wall and soon got a response from a couple lovely people who were very interested in my sharing on their page. I think it is awfully kind of them to allowed me to post this blog. Not sure how many from their page may read it, but I'm not so much worried about growing an audience as I am reaching people who are surviving or recovering from NES as well as those who are interested in knowing what it's like to live with NES in general.


As far as some support groups specifically for NES, there is little to no activity. I wonder if they are where I was not too long ago. In a place where they want to talk about NES, but don't have a lot to say about it or can't quite put into words their experience. I believe one day they will find their voices as I have and will be able to share much more. I certainly hope more studies are done on NES. I would love to be part of the committee that creates the instruments (questionnaires) for the studies. As you can tell, one of my super sized interests is human studies. I just can't get enough. That would explain why I spend so much time assessing myself and attempt to share my experience with NES from a whole person point of view. I think it is important to not only focus on the traits and habits of eating disorders, but the underlying root cause and mental state of a person who has an eating disorder. Eating disorders do not happen over night. It takes a period of time and number of circumstances before becoming a full blown eating disorder. I hope medical professionals are leading patients and clients into the realm of figuring out how their eating disorders developed. Retracing the development of an eating disorder may very well be the road map to recovery. 


Anyone who has suffered trauma of any sort should be screened for the potential of having or developing an eating disorder. I'm sure there are several variables that can be red-flagged as showing high or measurable potential for developing an eating disorder. Is this sort of thing in existence yet? I don't know. I'll have to check into that.


Anorexia is diagnosed when a person reaches a dangerously low body mass index. Wouldn't it be wonderful if a diagnosis could be rendered well before the low occurs. It seems to me that a person would stand a better chance of turning things around if they could get an earlier diagnosis and treatment. Better to know sooner than later...don't you think?


I'm still going to look for NES support groups online and local. Come to think of it, I would imagine many with NES symptoms are probably going to binging/purging/Bulimia support groups instead. That may be the ticket.


Time to turn in. Before I go, here's my eating update. Last night I could not fight off the urge to have my snack, so I did. It was a little smaller than usual, but not healthy...more baby steps. This morning I had a sudden urge to eat right around 8:30am. I ate a pack of peanut butter crackers and water. I wanted something else to eat around 10:30, but could not stomach the thought of making eggs or a sandwich, so I grabbed another pack of peanut butter crackers and had more water. Unfortunately, I forgot to eat this afternoon. No physical cues. For dinner I cooked a veggie, pasta, smoked turkey sausage dish which left me feeling satisfied for now. I can pretty much tell that I am going to want a snack tonight. I call feel it already. So, I will reserve a little of my dinner for my late night snack.


Oh, one other thing. I've been keeping up with my 5 minute exercise routine and I've added affirmation time after the fact. I don't know if this will work. My goal is to increase my awareness of healthy pleasures. Right after I complete my exercise, I take a few deep breaths and lie still, taking note of  how my body feels after exercising. Then I say affirming things to myself, such as, "I am worthy of feeling good," "I love myself and want to do good things for my mind, body and spirit." After I say my affirmation I return to my daily duties. This practice encourages me to take more time for myself  as I learn to enjoy being kinder to myself.