I can't get yesterday's post out of my head. I keep thinking about all of the
negative encounters I've had over the years, encounters that never really
registered with me in my conscious mind. My conscious mind was always hyper
focused on my parents and male members of my family. They too were a threat.
There was always the threat if being exposed to illicit behavior. I don't know
what it is like for boys, the way things are I would image it's equally as bad
for boys as it is for girls. There is little safety from predators
whether they are known or not.
There are so many negatives around us that we see as normal, but they are
not or at least they should not be the norm. There was a post on face book a
few weeks ago. It was a picture of a beautiful woman and a caption. The caption
talked about how girls are almost never exposed to women having a positive self-image.
No truer words have been said. When I think about the adult women in my
childhood, there was never talk of being happy with any part of their body.
Something was always wrong. If those women had access and resources to fix
everything that they thought wrong with them, they would have ended up being
completely different women. Their negative self-image was also reflected on me
and my weight gain. Never mind, what the root cause of my weight gain
was...lets point out everything that is wrong with this little girl. How many
times have I heard, "You have such a pretty face, if only you could lose
weight."
Negativity can come from any and all sources. I have had friendships where
we did nothing other than smoke cigarettes, drink
pepsi and talk about all the terrible
things that happened in our lives. We did this daily. There are countless aunts
and cousins that took great pride in telling me what all they thought was
wrong with me and my personal style. Then there's my cousin, who
was my best friend. I talked about her in yesterday's post. Why
am I bringing this up? Because we...and I'm really preaching to myself right
now...need to be aware of the negativity that we absorb or have absorbed on a
daily basis. Being aware of this will help to identify many roots to
our own behaviors and thought patterns.
There is something to be said about being raised in an environment where one
feels wanted, loved, safe and nurtured. I personally don't know what it's like
to be raised in this sort of environment, but my son does. When I look at him I
see so many similarities and yet so many differences. Our similarities are
linked by general behaviors and some character traits. Our differences are more
noticeable; when my child simply moving about the house, I see that he has a
sense of belonging, even a since of ownership in his movements. I did not
have this level of comfort in my childhood home. The home belonged to my
parents. I was a dweller, not an owner of anything. My son moves
through the house with such certainty. He feels comfortable in his own
skin and participates in life without judgment. He knows there are
consequences for wrong behaviors, but it's not the end of the world.
We will talk and if necessary a restriction may be applied. Despite a
punishment being in place he knows that he is loved and he continues to
move through life fearlessly. I still weep when I think about it. Why couldn’t
I have had a life like that? I don't know if these are things one
would typically notice, but do try noticing your child's natural behaviors.
Think about your own natural behaviors when you were their age. Are there
similarities? Take note of the differences and similarities in your life
structure and the life structure of your children. Life structures
create patterns. Patterns can sometimes repeat themselves and patterns can be
broken.
With young children, patterns are evident. Nothing is hidden even if we
think it is. Patterns are part of our natural behavior. Teens are different.
It's best to capture their patterns when they are unaware of you watching.
Teens tend to be extremely self-conscious and shy. I get that. It's an awkward
stage and sometimes they don't want to be noticed. That's typical. My son hates
when I video record him doing tasks. It's unfortunate. I'm so proud of his
accomplishments and want to share them with the world. Perhaps he will become a
little less self -conscious with age.
The reason I am bringing up the subject of patterns is because our patterns
play a huge roll in how we learn to see ourselves and how we relate to
ourselves and others. We must know the structure of our problems
in order to break the structure down and dissolve or resolve it. Emotional
patterns can heavily influence our relationship with people, food, alcohol,
sex or anything used to self sooth or self-medicate. It's
all connected. Finding our way to a healthier view on life and lifestyle is
like playing connect the dots. There is a starting point and a pattern
develops. It's often not recognized until things come full circle and the
picture is revealed.
If we examine our earliest memories conscious and otherwise, we begin
to see how our patters develop. In other words, if we are surrounded by
negativity, unfortunate occurrences, abuse and the like or surrounded by all
things positive, our behavioral and thought patterns will reveal
whatever it is we've been exposed to. It's not possible to hide a
negative past forever, even if we work diligently to do so. The patterns are
too deeply embedded and they will rear their ugly heads in one form or another.
My past loaned itself to a lifetime of negative self-images and hurtful
behaviors. I'd become an expert at hurting myself and being in complete denial
about it. This pattern is identical to the behaviors my parents had.
They hurt me and each other and remained in complete denial about it. See what
I mean? We do not own our negative behaviors we've learned and
borrowed them from past experiences.
One thing that has helped me tremendously is to recognize where the
blame lies.
I am not to blame for the things that my parents chose to do and say
to me.
I know it's hard for some of us to believe that we are
not to blame. It's hard when we’re constantly being told
that we are to blame. I've been told on many occasions that the
bad things happening in my family were my fault. I mean, my goodness, if a
pet died, it was my fault. My parents blamed me for everything. If
my mom got sick it was my fault. If I almost pass out from an Asthma attack it
was my fault. If something was stolen from me it was my fault and so on. Even
if I was wrongfully beaten it was still my fault because I would have more than
likely done something to earn that beating later on. Do you see how
damaging that can be? I am thankful that I had the ability to see beyond their
lies. It saved my life on some levels.
Remember the one who told you it was your fault is most likely the one
who hurt you. If another adult said such words to you, it may be because
they did not know everything you were going through. Nonetheless, those words
are lies. It was not nor has it ever been your fault.
I may talk more about negativity being a disease, how it's
like a cancer that spreads and can completely engulf you. Yes, I do think
I will revisit this subject. For now, I'm going to get myself some lunch.
Breakfast was 11am. I had eggs with cheese and leftover veggies
and a cup of water. For lunch I will have hummus and pita bread. Dinner is
still undecided.
