Feeling Inspired

I was skyping with my cousin a few days ago. She was depressed about her weight and other health issues. We talked for a long time. I know what it's like to say you want to do something for yourself and not be able to do it. I'm sure those who've read this blog have seen my struggles with that very subject.

It wasn't that long ago when I was saying the same things my cousin said to me. I knew that I wanted to do more for myself, but could not bring myself to follow through. Changing my eating habits alone is not enough for me to obtain my goals...at least the goals I've set for dealing with my body image.

Anyway, my cousin and I talked extensively about the costs of gym memberships. Even the YMCA is costly and neither one of us has an extra $350 lying around to pay for a yearly membership. Then it hits me. What is my favorite go to place when I'm looking for information on most anything? (drum roll) YouTube!

It didn't take long for me to find a long line of health and fitness videos. I only had to narrow it down to something that we both can do and enjoy. Due to health issues, my cousin's mobility is limited and due to my having been inactive for so long I need to crawl my way back into a good fitness routine. What I found addressed both of our needs. There is a short series of videos designed for people having limited mobility. Does not matter if you are limited because of weight, health or age. It is also designed for beginning fitness enthusiasts as well. What I like most about these videos is there step program which starts off with exercise routines done from a sitting position and slowly works you up to doing full workouts from a standing position. How cool is that?!

I strongly recommend for anyone who has not worked out in a very long time like myself or is starting to work out for the very first time to consult your physician about starting any exercise program.

One of my most favorite aspects of these videos is that fact that you start from a sitting position. If I'm not working with my son, also usually from a sitting position, I am at my desk working on different projects. I do get up frequently to check on my son, get housework done and cook, but it's not enough movement to make a difference in my health. I can safely say the majority of my days is spent in a sitting position. These videos are just perfect for me. What better way to begin incorporating exercise into my daily routine?! It's easy, affordable, workable and proving to be beneficial.

WARNING: For those who are sensitive to seeing exercise activity please do not watch the video below.

Here is the video of Stage 1, episode 1 Workout Launchpad - Beginner Stage

I think this is a wonderful way to get moving even if you are in relatively good shape. I'm enjoying how I feel about myself after completing this work out. It's done wonders for me just to know that I am important enough to myself to take 26 minutes to do something wonderful and beneficial just for me.

I am still doing well with eating. I've taken on a new love and appreciation for my home cooking and love...love...love cooking healthy, delicious meals for myself and my family.

I still have a late snack on occasion and I've had 1 or 2 nights where the call to binge was stronger than it had been for awhile. It was very short lived. My eating schedule is better and I feel good...not just good...also good about myself. That is what's most important to me know...feeling good about myself.

Onward and Upward!!!!

Hugs to you all! Keep up the good fight.

ED-NOS: Finally They Are Taking It Seriously (Possible triggers in this post)

For the longest time ED that were not specifically Anorexia or Bulimia were secondary at best. Well, in my opinion NES or what now falls under the ED-NOS diagnosis, was last on the list of EDs and not fully acknowledged as an ED. I don't mind being lumped under the ED-NOS umbrella as long as medical professional are taking all EDs seriously.

I came across a video of a news report about ED-NOS. It's the first report I've ever come across that acknowledges ED-NOS as a dangerous and potentially life threatening condition. 

Here's the video:

WARNING: This video may contain triggers for some of you. Please be mindful if you decide to watch.

ED-NOS: Most Dangerous, Unheard of Eating Disorder

June 4, 2014

I'm still here. Guess you can tell that I've been having a little bit of a hard time these past few weeks.


I'm okay sometimes and sometimes I'm not.


Sometimes things get so heavy that I have to pull back into myself which is my safe place.


Have I fallen completely? No, but I have fallen. I'm still eating pretty well during the day and I continue working towards making healthy food choices. Can you feel the 'but' coming? But, I've been eating more at night, more than I'm comfortable with. I haven't done what I consider a full binge. I have had 2-3 small snacks during late night hours. It starts of innocent enough. I'll get a fruit cup and then a few minutes later I'll heat up some left overs. There was one night I topped off two small servings of leftovers with a slice of bread. I don't even know why I bothered. I just needed to have it and then I felt satisfied.


The good thing is I see and acknowledge what's happening and I'm working again to right the wrongs.


I still haven't started exercising. I don't feel motivated, but at the same time I'm still doing affirmations and continuing to feel better about myself. It seems strange that it's happening this way. I can't quite make sense of it, but I'm going with it. Any measure of good works for me.


I really can't complain. I mean...there are quite a few good things that have been happening this week. I should have written more, but I didn't. In the past few weeks, not only have I felt more compassion for myself, I find that it's getting less difficult to do kind things for myself like taking better care of my eczema. I'm still making better choices about food and I'm still warding off cooking too much or purchasing extra foods when getting take-out. I'm still drinking a sufficient amount of water and I will by no means go past a certain point before eating during the day, otherwise I feel sick and I don't like feeling sick. At best, I'm eating 2 full meals during the day and sometimes a small snack. Night time is getting more difficult for me.


So this is where I am for now.


Tomorrow is the fist day of the rest of my life and if I am blessed to see tomorrow I will work even harder to make better decisions for myself. As for now, I feel love for myself and it feels good. Perhaps a miracle will come out of my new found love. In the meantime, I am grateful for the good things that are in my life.

Don't Eat When You're Not Hungry - April 2, 2014

"Don't eat when you're not hungry." I've heard this sentence in my mind everyday since the first time it was spoken to me in 1975. I was 10. No matter what I do the words are always lingering. A constant reminder turned anthem.


My parents took me to the doctor. I can't remember for what. I was sitting on the examining table as the doctor spoke with them. He wasn't my pediatrician, but another doctor in a larger place. Everything was bright white and sterile. Even the windows offered little contrast as the glass reflected that awful bright whiteness. I continued watching as the doctor spoke with my parents. I couldn't hear what he was saying. My ears were deafened by the sound of my own thoughts. Inside my head I'm screaming, "Please make them stop abusing me! Please! I don't want to go home." I felt the words rise into my throat, but I dare not open my mouth. I just sat there nauseated as I watched evil play the role of concerned parents. All hope was gone. The doctor would never believe me. He'd never believe I lived with monsters. They seemed so normal and descent. My mother in her silent stance dressed to perfection and my father eager to write a check. They stopped talking for moment, looked at me and smiled, but all I could see were fangs waiting to devour me. I turned away from them and waited for the torment to begin again.


I heard a new word on that day. Obese. The doctor said I was obese. I wasn't sure what that meant, but I knew it must have had something to do with my weight. My weight had become a focal point for my parents for awhile now. I weighed in at 100lbs. I guess it didn't matter that my parents fed me cakes, cookies, snacks and candies from their store, not to mention my night feedings. I wonder if my mother knew. Couldn't she see the evidence of my night feeds? If she did, nothing was ever said, not to me anyways. My weight was the first thing people saw and the topic of discussion...always...even now. I suppose talking about my weight was much easier than seeing the dark circles under my eyes or the look of death and hopelessness in my expression. I see the pain when I look at my childhood photos and I wonder.


I used to look into the bathroom mirror and say to myself, "don't eat when you are not hungry," over and over again. When my parents tried to make me eat breakfast I'd say that I wasn't hungry. If they pushed I pulled out my favorite sentence. It worked every time. After awhile they seemed to be proud of my not eating, hopeful that the extra pounds would fall off quickly. Each yearly well visit would dash their hopes...another 13 lbs. gained. No one could understand it. I think this is when the denial began. Everyone around me said the same thing, "How can she be gaining weight, she barely eats?" I heard it so much that I began to believe it.


Here I am today, 38 years later and I am still telling myself, "Don't eat if you're not hungry." How do I undo a 38 year habit?

Proud Moment- March 21, 2014

Yep, I'm feeling a little proud of myself. Last night, I didn't feel like cooking dinner, so I asked my son what he wanted to eat. I started asking when we were out and about. I was hopeful that he'd want a burger or something else equally as quick. The answer was no. Fine. We went home. I wanted for about an hour and asked my son again what he wanted for dinner. We finally settled on pizza. I've gotten a little bit better about ordering pizza, being mindful not to order too much. Having a lot of leftovers can trigger a binge. I usually order pizza and wings. Last night wanted to try a sandwich instead. So I ordered a medium pizza, 1/2 pepperoni, the other 1/2 cheese and a Mediterranean veggie sandwich.  I came very close to ordering the wings, but managed to stop myself. If I had the wings, I would be at risk of wanting to eat them as well.

Pizza is one of those things that I should not order or only order on rare occasions. I'm getting better about that too. Foods that are very high in carbs are the worst thing to have lying around the house. We have a few leftovers. I had two slices of cheese pizza for my late night snack. Not the healthiest choice, but available and I still did not binge.


It's isn't easy always making the right choices. I try not to beat myself up about it. If I did it would only lead me to feel worse and eat more. If I'm going to give in to food that can be a potential trigger, the best thing is to be mindful of how much food I order. Fight the temptation to hoard food. That's when extra food is ordered for late night feed. Watch intake portions. Try to freeze or put away leftovers as soon as possible. If I leave food out too long the possibility of my eating it increases. Having it out of site helps, but I would still need to set aside another late snack if I want to avoid eating high starch/carb foods late night.


Okay, so I didn't do so great with my choices tonight, but I did do well with not ordering extra food and not over eating late night. Still more baby steps.

March 14, 2014

I've been scouting around looking for NES support groups with little luck. There is one lovely group that I've recently encountered that deal with eating disorders of all kinds. They didn't have much about NES. I posted on their wall and soon got a response from a couple lovely people who were very interested in my sharing on their page. I think it is awfully kind of them to allowed me to post this blog. Not sure how many from their page may read it, but I'm not so much worried about growing an audience as I am reaching people who are surviving or recovering from NES as well as those who are interested in knowing what it's like to live with NES in general.


As far as some support groups specifically for NES, there is little to no activity. I wonder if they are where I was not too long ago. In a place where they want to talk about NES, but don't have a lot to say about it or can't quite put into words their experience. I believe one day they will find their voices as I have and will be able to share much more. I certainly hope more studies are done on NES. I would love to be part of the committee that creates the instruments (questionnaires) for the studies. As you can tell, one of my super sized interests is human studies. I just can't get enough. That would explain why I spend so much time assessing myself and attempt to share my experience with NES from a whole person point of view. I think it is important to not only focus on the traits and habits of eating disorders, but the underlying root cause and mental state of a person who has an eating disorder. Eating disorders do not happen over night. It takes a period of time and number of circumstances before becoming a full blown eating disorder. I hope medical professionals are leading patients and clients into the realm of figuring out how their eating disorders developed. Retracing the development of an eating disorder may very well be the road map to recovery. 


Anyone who has suffered trauma of any sort should be screened for the potential of having or developing an eating disorder. I'm sure there are several variables that can be red-flagged as showing high or measurable potential for developing an eating disorder. Is this sort of thing in existence yet? I don't know. I'll have to check into that.


Anorexia is diagnosed when a person reaches a dangerously low body mass index. Wouldn't it be wonderful if a diagnosis could be rendered well before the low occurs. It seems to me that a person would stand a better chance of turning things around if they could get an earlier diagnosis and treatment. Better to know sooner than later...don't you think?


I'm still going to look for NES support groups online and local. Come to think of it, I would imagine many with NES symptoms are probably going to binging/purging/Bulimia support groups instead. That may be the ticket.


Time to turn in. Before I go, here's my eating update. Last night I could not fight off the urge to have my snack, so I did. It was a little smaller than usual, but not healthy...more baby steps. This morning I had a sudden urge to eat right around 8:30am. I ate a pack of peanut butter crackers and water. I wanted something else to eat around 10:30, but could not stomach the thought of making eggs or a sandwich, so I grabbed another pack of peanut butter crackers and had more water. Unfortunately, I forgot to eat this afternoon. No physical cues. For dinner I cooked a veggie, pasta, smoked turkey sausage dish which left me feeling satisfied for now. I can pretty much tell that I am going to want a snack tonight. I call feel it already. So, I will reserve a little of my dinner for my late night snack.


Oh, one other thing. I've been keeping up with my 5 minute exercise routine and I've added affirmation time after the fact. I don't know if this will work. My goal is to increase my awareness of healthy pleasures. Right after I complete my exercise, I take a few deep breaths and lie still, taking note of  how my body feels after exercising. Then I say affirming things to myself, such as, "I am worthy of feeling good," "I love myself and want to do good things for my mind, body and spirit." After I say my affirmation I return to my daily duties. This practice encourages me to take more time for myself  as I learn to enjoy being kinder to myself.