"Don't eat when you're not hungry." I've heard this sentence in my mind everyday since the first time it was spoken to me in 1975. I was 10. No matter what I do the words are always lingering. A constant reminder turned anthem.
My parents took me to the doctor. I can't remember for what. I was sitting on the examining table as the doctor spoke with them. He wasn't my pediatrician, but another doctor in a larger place. Everything was bright white and sterile. Even the windows offered little contrast as the glass reflected that awful bright whiteness. I continued watching as the doctor spoke with my parents. I couldn't hear what he was saying. My ears were deafened by the sound of my own thoughts. Inside my head I'm screaming, "Please make them stop abusing me! Please! I don't want to go home." I felt the words rise into my throat, but I dare not open my mouth. I just sat there nauseated as I watched evil play the role of concerned parents. All hope was gone. The doctor would never believe me. He'd never believe I lived with monsters. They seemed so normal and descent. My mother in her silent stance dressed to perfection and my father eager to write a check. They stopped talking for moment, looked at me and smiled, but all I could see were fangs waiting to devour me. I turned away from them and waited for the torment to begin again.
I heard a new word on that day. Obese. The doctor said I was obese. I wasn't sure what that meant, but I knew it must have had something to do with my weight. My weight had become a focal point for my parents for awhile now. I weighed in at 100lbs. I guess it didn't matter that my parents fed me cakes, cookies, snacks and candies from their store, not to mention my night feedings. I wonder if my mother knew. Couldn't she see the evidence of my night feeds? If she did, nothing was ever said, not to me anyways. My weight was the first thing people saw and the topic of discussion...always...even now. I suppose talking about my weight was much easier than seeing the dark circles under my eyes or the look of death and hopelessness in my expression. I see the pain when I look at my childhood photos and I wonder.
I used to look into the bathroom mirror and say to myself, "don't eat when you are not hungry," over and over again. When my parents tried to make me eat breakfast I'd say that I wasn't hungry. If they pushed I pulled out my favorite sentence. It worked every time. After awhile they seemed to be proud of my not eating, hopeful that the extra pounds would fall off quickly. Each yearly well visit would dash their hopes...another 13 lbs. gained. No one could understand it. I think this is when the denial began. Everyone around me said the same thing, "How can she be gaining weight, she barely eats?" I heard it so much that I began to believe it.
Here I am today, 38 years later and I am still telling myself, "Don't eat if you're not hungry." How do I undo a 38 year habit?
..."I heard it so much, that I began to believe it'... <This< is how you begin to un-do the 38 year habit; This is one of many layers of the 'onion' that everyone refers to in the inner 'peeling' method. First you mentioned being uncomfortable..then, a desire to change, then the work of self discovery,then the commitment, then the peeling continues...the unconscious habits begin to surface to a conscious level where you can inspect the current benefit of the habit or thought...can take a while, but you will soon be able to 'thank' the old behavior, say good by to it, and move in to a better way for this time in your life. It's ok and necessary to adapt new behaviours as we grow. You are doing remarkably well, I wonder if you even actually realize that?! Remember, the term 'growing pains' can be applied to all situations, emotional as well as physical.....Alyce.
ReplyDeleteAlyce, thank you so much!!!! You're words are wrapped around me. You've said so much. Give me tonight to process everything you've written. I will be better prepared to give my response tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteOk good Buddy, and please feel free to ask questions any time I say something that seems confusing or incomplete...I am a two finger typer, and as such I make errors in translating my words to the typed form...And remember we are on the road together, different details, same goal- health...Alyce.
ReplyDeleteOkay, my friend. Sorry it took so long to get back to you. It's been a bit of a stressful and then relief filled day. So I took advantage of the relief and relaxed a little.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any questions and understood what you were saying. Emotions did stir and I started feeling overwhelmed by your words. It was a good thing, though. When you pointed everything out, the process and the peeling onion thingy it really touched my mind and my spirit.
At the time, when I first read your words I was feeling a little down and discombobulated. I felt like I was being pulled in so many directions. So many discoveries, epiphanies and things to process. It's all been a bit overwhelming. Then you, with the kindest energy, laid it all out for me, 1...2...3. You bare witness to my internal process and picked up on it immediately. That is a lot for me to take in as well as seeing a name given to the process...a name that I've never heard. So it was an overload of emotion that hindered me from responding yesterday. I needed time to gather my thoughts and take in everything you wrote. Thank you, my friend for seeing me when I cannot fully see myself.
Also, I've printed out some of the posts about my process for my therapist to read. I hope you don't mind, but I've included your response as well. I believe she will appreciate it just as much as I do.
ReplyDeleteOk, that sounds like a productive thing to do..get the therapists take on the blog! I'd be interested to hear what she has to say, let me know ok?...Alyce.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I will. I think she'll be interested in my process.
ReplyDeleteAlyce, I shared my posts with my therapist today. Included was your comment that I asked permission to share. She thought your comment was beautiful and very thoughtful. She said you described my process very well and she particularly liked what you said about thanking the old habit for the purpose it served before allowing the new healthier habit to take it's place. I'm not saying it verbatim, but you already know the conversation.
ReplyDeleteIt was an excellent session today. I will periodically print off other posts for her to read. I like being able to show her my process rather than just telling her.