Empowerment - April 5, 2014

Stating my truth from new depths is proving to be beneficial. The moment I openly admitted to pacifying my mind, something opened and strength flowed in. I felt it, but couldn't identify it right away. It wasn't until later that night when I put my foot down and decided to schedule mealtimes that I knew for sure something inside of my changed. I was not going to allow my mind to control my eating anymore. I was not going to pacify it and give into it any longer. In that moment I felt empowered. Yeah, it felt as though I conquered something...that I put it to rest. I'd won.


Could it be...dare I say...how is it that I am so empowered by simply admitting a truth?


By nature I am a logical person, but I am not operating out of a place of logic right now. It's different. I want so much to take out my little pointer, wave it in front of a flip board and say, "This led to this, which caused this to occur. Therefore it is evident that this will be the outcome." But I can't. All I have right now are feelings of a power that I've never felt before. I feel as though I’m freed from one of the many chains that bind me. It’s nice to have this sudden strength.


I didn't hesitate to eat this morning. My son woke me up pretty early, 5:30am. He didn't do it on purpose. He was laughing at something on tv. I jumped up when I heard the sudden noise. Still dazed from sleep, I sat back down to allow my mind a few minutes to clear before getting back up to check on him. When I saw that he was okay I went back to bed. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I began to pray and got lost in my thoughts. It wasn't long before I was consumed with hunger. It's 6:30am. I never eat this early...not even crackers or a piece of bread. I went into the kitchen, heated up a small portion of a leftover rice dish and ate. It's not at the scheduled time, but why wait? I feel good about eating so early and I didn't feel nauseous. It's as if I've reclaimed a part of my mind that had been damaged for a long time. No more giving into the mental masturbation that destructive behaviors often loan themselves to. Am I truly free from this?


Calm down...I've got to calm down and see where this takes me. I don't want to jump to conclusions. It's way too early for that. One day at a time...one step at a time. That is the pace.
I’m going to stand on faith and believe that I can maintain this strength through the rest of the day. I’ll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.


Lunch was at 12:30pm. I ate 2 scrambled eggs with approximately 2 tbls. of the leftover rice dish, just for flavor, and 2 slices of toast. I'm planning on having a snack today around 3-4pm. I think I'll have a pack of crackers. Dinner is still on for 6:30-7:30. Tonight is going to be a movie night, so I am allowing myself popcorn for the event.