Thankful for the Slow Progress

I used to wonder why some of the people from the TV show The Biggest Loser struggled to maintain their weight loss. The first season winner claimed he celebrated his weight loss by eating a burger and fries. What could it hurt to have something he’d been craving for a few months? It seemed harmless enough until he found himself back at his original pre-show weight.  I read that a spin-off show, The Big Fat Truth was created inviting several winners from previous seasons of the original show to participate. I’m not sure how they thought a second show utilizing pretty much the same methods would help outside of losing the weight again. Did the creators of the show consider addressing what caused the participants to put on the weight other than “biological factors” and “bad behaviors?” This is a testament to the danger of shedding a lot of weight without addressing the root cause.  That being said, it’s obvious the creators of the show didn’t get it. Critics of The Big Fat Truth made this statement, “Roth's new show is another version of what they see as a dangerous approach to weight loss that favors quick results over science.”  I’m sure there are a great many people that can attest to the dangers of quick weight loss. I’ve certainly had my share of ups, downs, and merry-go-rounds. That’s why this time I’m taking it nice and slow.

I’ve been on my weight loss journey for several years, but that doesn’t mean I was always actively dieting and exercising. I knew from much trial and error that I needed to start my journey at the beginning, not the end. In other words, I didn’t need to focus on the current behaviors without revisiting my past taking a long, hard, honest look at the significance it had on my previous and current weight gain.

The first couple years I spent much time figuring out who I am outside of who I was created to be by my parents. There had to be more to me than being a product of abuse or victim of circumstance. I found that to be a great place to start with therapy. It wouldn’t be until after I started to figure out who I am and how to love myself that the weight would begin to shed. Slow and steady. The 3^rd and 4^th years my self-worth came up and I was able to enjoy doing good things for myself like being more consistent with exercising and eating better. There were many struggles and periods of uncertainty where I found it difficult to maintain good habits, but I didn’t give up and that’s what made the difference. That’s why I’m still in the game. In the distant past, I would have given up before completing year 1 and I would not have looked back until several years and a few health concerns later.

Now I’m looking at years 5 and 6. Year 7 will start this Fall. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. There is still a ways to go, but I’m in no hurry. I am thankful for slow progress. I’ve finally crossed a threshold I haven’t seen since pregnancy. Are there still struggles? Yes. Slow progress allows me the time I need to face and confront my struggles head-on. There have been slips here and there. I’m struggling with fear and triggers as I move towards weights I haven’t seen since my 20s, but that’s okay. I’m praying for strength and wisdom.

My newest method for dealing with triggers is working. This past winter season I fell head-first into a binge frenzy that I could not work my way out of. While praying it came to me to stop focusing on losing weight. Make my focus on maintaining the progress I’ve made. This train of thought tricked my mind and kept me from getting majorly depressed while dealing with the binging. If I were still hyper-focused on losing weight, knowing that my behaviors were making me gain weight, I could have potentially spiraled out of control just on the guilt alone. But somehow thinking of maintaining my progress made the struggle a little less damning and I was able to think about my behaviors one day at a time, not focusing on any particular measure of loss or gain. I just focused on decreasing the binging as best I can for that one day. I did gain a few pounds, but have since turned the binging around and am losing those pounds again. No major setbacks, moving forward.  

Onward and Upward!

Back From Break - April 25, 2014

It's good to be back! I have just had the most wonderful, peaceful, restful break. I hope everyone had a lovely holiday weekend and Spring Break.


I cooked most of the time while we were on break, but I will report that we did get take out 3 times. It was good and so was I. I did not order extra foods for binging. I tried to order foods that were healthy...a whole meal if you will. I purposely avoided sandwiches for myself because that would only be a tease and could trigger a binge. There was one night when I had two handfuls of vanilla wafers. That night was my only weak moment...pretty good, eh. I wouldn't really call that a binge because it had been several hours since we ate dinner. We ate around 5:30 or so. I had not eaten anything else until the cookies. I count that as being pretty good.


Breakfasts are much easier to deal with. Now, I will say this...there were no stresses over the break period. We started to have company, but I found it to be a little too stressful having to get ready for guests. Besides, having company does not equate to taking a break, especially when breaks rarely occur. No company this go 'round. Not having stresses made it much easier to stay on task. The scheduled eating time is really working for me. My mind is much more receptive to accepting time as opposed to sensation. There are not excuses when it comes to scheduling times to eat.


It feels good to write again. I'm so glad to be sitting here writing in my blog again. There were moments when I was tempted to write, only because I miss talking to you guys, but I made myself stay true to myself and adhered to my own wishes for having this break. I needed a break from everything.


It won't be long before having my therapy session. I plan on talking more in depth about the letter to myself. As I stated before, an emotion came up from a pivotal point in my life that I need to take time to address. I usually like to process things of this nature, having all my pros and cons in place before discussing it with my therapist. When I do that, I feel like I'm giving her a complete thought as opposed to something random. We only have an hour and I like to make good use of the time.


My plan is to resume writing my letter or at least asking more questions and answering them without thought to see what comes up. That's pretty much how things happened the last time. I posed my question and an emotion poured out without thought, which was startling, but a revelation too. The emotion that emerged gave me reason as to why I made the decision I made and why I've been carrying a looming feeling of nothingness. I hope more emotions emerge this weekend. I ready this time... And if it doesn't happen, that's okay too. I'll just keep writing.


I'm also glad to report that I have not had crackers as a meal for some time now. This was not a decision of mine, it sort of came out of necessity when I found that my son had eaten the rest of my crackers one night. I freaked at first...wondering what to do. My initial thought was that I would have great difficulty eating anything other than my crackers. Lo and behold, the crackers may have been a bit of a crutch. Once again, appeasing my mind which made me believe that I could not tolerate eating anything other than crackers first thing in the day. That theory has been proven wrong. I can eat other foods, just small portions. So I am still eating eggs for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and then dinner. I usually don't have an evening snack nor do I eat a late night snack every night.


It's time to take a serious look at exercising. I'm really going to need it now for two reasons. I am eating at my optimum and want to increase my metabolism, especially since I'm giving my body enough fuel to do so. Exercising regularly will also help me deal with stress better. I'm thinking that I will need to do some stretches and deep breathing exercises at first. This should help me cope with the emotions that I'll have to face while writing my letter. I am at a critical point. My eating seems to be on track and steady. I am feeling hunger in the morning and my body is getting used to having the calories. At this time it is key to find and maintain ways to deal with stress. Stress in the number one cause for my downfalls; after stress comes the depression and finally guilt. By then my eating is off track and I have to start from square one again. I don't want that to happen. Everything has been really good so far. One tiny step at a time...One day at a time.


It won't be long before I've reached 30 days of eating well. Should I count the cookie thing as a mini binge? Maybe for argument's sake I'll hold off on claiming 30 days without binging. I want it to be solid. I'm satisfied with the way things are now and look forward to many more good days and nights.

Empowerment - April 5, 2014

Stating my truth from new depths is proving to be beneficial. The moment I openly admitted to pacifying my mind, something opened and strength flowed in. I felt it, but couldn't identify it right away. It wasn't until later that night when I put my foot down and decided to schedule mealtimes that I knew for sure something inside of my changed. I was not going to allow my mind to control my eating anymore. I was not going to pacify it and give into it any longer. In that moment I felt empowered. Yeah, it felt as though I conquered something...that I put it to rest. I'd won.


Could it be...dare I say...how is it that I am so empowered by simply admitting a truth?


By nature I am a logical person, but I am not operating out of a place of logic right now. It's different. I want so much to take out my little pointer, wave it in front of a flip board and say, "This led to this, which caused this to occur. Therefore it is evident that this will be the outcome." But I can't. All I have right now are feelings of a power that I've never felt before. I feel as though I’m freed from one of the many chains that bind me. It’s nice to have this sudden strength.


I didn't hesitate to eat this morning. My son woke me up pretty early, 5:30am. He didn't do it on purpose. He was laughing at something on tv. I jumped up when I heard the sudden noise. Still dazed from sleep, I sat back down to allow my mind a few minutes to clear before getting back up to check on him. When I saw that he was okay I went back to bed. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I began to pray and got lost in my thoughts. It wasn't long before I was consumed with hunger. It's 6:30am. I never eat this early...not even crackers or a piece of bread. I went into the kitchen, heated up a small portion of a leftover rice dish and ate. It's not at the scheduled time, but why wait? I feel good about eating so early and I didn't feel nauseous. It's as if I've reclaimed a part of my mind that had been damaged for a long time. No more giving into the mental masturbation that destructive behaviors often loan themselves to. Am I truly free from this?


Calm down...I've got to calm down and see where this takes me. I don't want to jump to conclusions. It's way too early for that. One day at a time...one step at a time. That is the pace.
I’m going to stand on faith and believe that I can maintain this strength through the rest of the day. I’ll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.


Lunch was at 12:30pm. I ate 2 scrambled eggs with approximately 2 tbls. of the leftover rice dish, just for flavor, and 2 slices of toast. I'm planning on having a snack today around 3-4pm. I think I'll have a pack of crackers. Dinner is still on for 6:30-7:30. Tonight is going to be a movie night, so I am allowing myself popcorn for the event.

March 28, 2014

I'm loving how my study on commitment is making me feel. There is new vision and new direction before me...a hurdle crossed. But just because the hurdle is behind me doesn't mean that I've conquered the task. Not just yet. It means that the problem has been identified and solutions are being put in place.


I've always looked at problems as an invitation to meet solutions. We would never know or need solutions if we never had problems. It's a mirrored situation. Some may even say they would prefer not to have problems. If we never had problems or hardships how would be able to fully appreciate the good things in life. If everything was always good we could potentially become board with our existence or at best live completely benign lives like mindless drones. Imagine that...


Inhale and exhale... I'm breathing in fresh air. Taking it all deep inside. Do you think things like commitment are talked about in therapy? I'd certainly hope so. I know that I'll be bringing it up in my therapy session, but I still wonder if this is something therapists would put on the table if the client doesn't mention it themselves. Would it be part of the therapeutic scope? I don't know. That's something to consider if you have a therapist. It might be interesting to talk this out with them.


I kept my word. There is a little sign taped to my bathroom mirror, "When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard." I continue to say these words to myself over and over again. It feels strange saying it, but it also feels like I'm on the right path. No need to rush, it's going to take more than a couple nights to learn how to love myself. Commitment requires patience. I will have to be patient with myself or else I'll get frustrated and give up again. Don't want to do that...


I'm committed to working on opening up my heart to myself, my current self and the wounded little girl inside. Several months ago, I talked to my therapist about this. We both agreed that writing a letter to the little girl inside would be a good thing. I want to get to know her, embrace her and tell her she is loved and everything is going to be okay. I've since lost the courage to attempt this encounter, that is until recently. I didn't realize that I could not tell her I loved her because I did not love myself. I may not be there yet, but I want to be. I want to love my whole self and that is something I have the courage to say to the little girl inside.


When I came up with the plan was to write a letter to myself, I wasn't sure what I would say. Now, I have an idea, an actual direction. It took months of working on myself before I could come to this point. So I'll start off by introducing myself to her and go from there. I have no idea what will be said after that. I might even surprise myself. I think this is something I should work on this weekend. Not sure If I'll publish my letter or not. It all depends...on what...I don't know.


Have any of you ever thought of writing a letter to yourselves? It may seem a little strange, but it's no stranger than talking to yourself when you are trying to cope with a situation or trying to sort something out. Actually, a letter to yourself would be more intimate. I think having an intimate existence with yourself is the way to learn to love yourself. Isn't it easier to love that which you feel an intimate connection to. I don't mean anything sexual. What I'm talking about is being personal, relevant, attached to yourself as you would be in other relationships. It's so easy to look at outer relationships and completely neglect having a relationship with ourselves. Isn't it important to be able to embrace ourselves? I think so.


This is the year of courage. Today I will have the courage to reach out to myself in an intimate way so that I may feel love for myself and be committed to myself with my whole heart.


I didn't eat breakfast today. No...it's not good, but it's okay. I'm not feeling sad, but exhilarated. Exited to have new direction and more hope. Exited about my new understanding of commitment and the endless possibilities. Yes...it is happiness even elation that I feel. I ate a pack of cheese crackers while writing this post. It was after 2pm. I've also eaten scrambled eggs and two slices of toast with a cup of water. For dinner I will cook seared chicken breast, mixed veggies and mac-n-cheese.


Last night I did not have a pre-measured snack because I did not cook. I was worried that I might be triggered to binge. I was not. Instead when the hunger came I ate a pack of Nekot cookies and was satisfied. I went to sleep shortly afterwards and woke up this morning feeling change. I hope it lasts.

Depth of Commitment - March 27, 2014

As I continue seeking and searching self to determine what commitment means to me I find that commitment is much deeper and more profound than I ever thought. It has it's own diversities and comes in layers. Layers that can work in harmony or work against each other. Even though commitment can be a strong emotion on it's own, it can also be easily lost amidst other emotions.


Let's look at the differences between being committed to being healthier as opposed to being committed to doing the things it takes to be healthier or vice versa and the importance of having balance between the two. It is extremely important to have balance between all layers of commitment.


Within myself I've identified several layers of commitment. Overall commitment to being healthier and individual commitment to each task that it takes to achieve a healthier relationship with myself and food. These commitments combined become a tightly woven thread. If there are any weaknesses in the thread of commitment, the thread will soon break. It is vital for me to examine tasks or goals that I set for yourself to determine how much of a commitment I'm taking on. There may be instances when tasks and goals may need to be modified in order to have a level of commitment that is comfortable for me.


I recognize that I am not strong enough to take on too many commitments. It is established that my strongest commitments are wanting to be healthier and trying to be healthier. Improvements have been made, but I keep back sliding. Some of it is natural and a good portion of it is because something is blocking me from trying harder to succeed. What's blocking me?


I ask myself questions. In order for this step to work I will have to be completely honest with myself.


1. Is it important to me that I eat right?   Yes.
2. Have I achieved a healthier relationship with food?  No, not yet.
3. Am I committed to eating healthier?  Yes.
4. Have I been successful in consistently eating healthier?   No.
5. What's stopping me?  I do not have hunger sensations as I should during the day. I do, but only if I begin eating at certain times. Even though I know this, I still do not push myself to eat at those times. I'll do well for awhile and then I fall back into old habits as I have done today and the past several days.
6. Are you committed to eating at a healthier time? I am committed to trying to eat at a healthier time, but it is also very easy to ignore myself when I tell myself I should eat. It' way too easy to ignore. Eating is not that much of a priority for me on most days even though it makes me feel good when I do better on other days.


Stop right here! Time to assess why eating is not important even though I have committed to trying to eat at a healthier time. I'm committed to trying, but not being consistent with pushing myself when it becomes difficult. This is the reason I keep falling into the circle of failure, because I am committed to the cause, but not committed to the task.


What does it take to become committed to the task? I imagine it would be having the ability to make a commitment to myself first and not just being committed to wanting to change something about myself.


Do you remember the definition of commitment from the Urban Dictionary? Here it is again. Pay close attention to the bolded sentence at the end. I'm going stand in front of a mirror and say those words to myself, because I find no other words to be truer then that sentence when it comes to commitment and I want to be true to myself...committed to myself.


1.

commitment

Commitment is what
Transforms the promise into reality.
It is the words that speak
Boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak
Louder than the words.
It is making the time
When there is none.
Coming through time
After time after time,
Year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff
Character is made of;
The power to change
The face of things.
It is the daily triumph
Of integrity over skepticism.

When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard.

by Ashbash January 13, 2005

This very sentence is exactly what I need to be saying to myself everyday. As a matter of fact, I'm going to print it out and tape it to my bathroom mirror, which is one of the few mirrors I'm willing to see myself in. Loving myself is one of the hardest accomplishments to achieve, but I am going to commit myself to working to love myself even when it's hard. Right now it's hard to love myself all the time. My hope is that is will get easier.

In everything that I have ever been committed to I have succeeded in. I'm aware of this now. Never have I looked at commitment the way that I'm looking at it today. I've learned something else about myself. When I am committed, I am committed with my whole heart and I am not able to see failure. This is the key to winning my battles. I must first become committed to myself with my whole heart and then one by one I will be able to commit to everything else.


The day will come when I will not be afraid of failure, because I will not see failure.


Today I ate a pack of cheese and chive crackers with a cup of water. I began eating at 1:27pm. It is now 3:58pm. I will eat a small bowl of spaghetti left over from last night's dinner. I'm not sure what I will cook today. I just know for sure that I will not be ordering take out.

March 4, 2014

Yesterday was an exciting day because of my eating accomplishments. As I started working on my next post, it came to mind to create a list of accomplishments along with methods that are working for me, what's not to do and all that jazz. But then, I stopped in my tracks. I read over what was written, my goodness, I came across as a wound-up, chatty know-it-all. It was horrible and I even had the nerve to begin preparing a disclaimer. You know the drill, "I am not a licensed professional..." No! That is not what this blog is going to be about. I'm not going to get on my soap box and start spewing lines of information for the masses. Not happening here...


This blog will be a place of sharing, caring, exchanging helpful tips at times and healing. Within the walls of this blog there is forgiveness, acceptance, there is revelation, elation, triumph, failure you name it and it's here. I am not here to toot my own horn. Even if I did, nothing much would come out...at least, nothing having substance.


Today for breakfast I ate a small portion of left over rice with chicken and broccoli topped with a scrambled egg. Breakfast was at 1pm.


I will make myself have a snack in a couple hours. Peanut butter crackers and a cup of hot tea. I heard somewhere that drinking hot fluids after eating helps digestion. That's not the reason I'm having hot tea. I want to make my eating time more enjoyable, less rudimentary. So I figure, if I can learn to enjoy the simple pleasure of smelling, tasting, chewing and experiencing my foods, perhaps it will be easier for me to see myself eating proper meals.


Believe it or not, I really do enjoy cooking. Nothing's more rewarding than my son letting me know he enjoyed his meal or having friends over and watching them savor every bite. Preparing a meal for family and friends is an expression of love...nothing like loving that comes from the oven. I think that's how it goes. Funny though, that same notion doesn't apply when cooking for myself.


Dinner is left over chili and brown rice. We will eat around 6:30. My late night snack may be around 1am.

March 3, 2014

I'm getting a little bit stronger each day. I don't know how long it will last, but I am giving it my best for now. It's a little disturbing having to be so fixated on eating, when to eat, what to eat and so on. Ironically it is this very behavior that started the ball rolling to begin with. Well, that and a lifetime of misery.


Today I had my first meal at 10:47am. It was a pack of peanut butter crackers, water and medications. This may not sound like a meal to you, but it is for me. Please remember, I have to work my way back to having an appetite in the mornings. It takes time. Not to mention that I can't afford to put too much thought into the process or else I'll just give up and go on with my day. I don't want that to happen. It is imperative that I eat and get my body back on a healthier track. How can I every be successful in combating this thing if I don't make an effort? I can't see praying for God to help me and then doing nothing. That just doesn't work for me.


As I mentioned yesterday, If I am able to manage eating around 10am or so, my body will cue me naturally to eat. Today I felt a sensation of physical hunger, right around 12:30-1pm. This is confirmation for me. I have not had physical hunger sensations for a couple months, but I was also on the downward spiraling with my binging. It's interesting how a simple thing as starting to eat at a certain time of day can make such a huge difference in how the body and mind respond to food. So I imagine that is something especially good to know when dealing with eating disorders. If you are on the road to recovery and want to be healthier, it's important to figure out the optimum time for your body to begin taking in food. For some it may be very early in the morning and for others it may be mid-morning like it is for me. In any case, aim to have your first meal during the am hours.


Back to my hunger sensation. Since my body prompted me to eat, I immediately went into the kitchen to prepare lunch. It's been a long time since I've had a breakfast and a lunch in the same day. For lunch I had two slices of bread, a couple pieces of thinly sliced turkey ham (leftover from last night's dinner), a fried egg, hand full of chips and water. I thought it was a bit much at first, but I ate it all. Took me about 40 minutes before finishing.


Two hour have passed since I've eaten lunch. I don't feel hungry, but I am thirsty. My mind is cuing me to make dinner. It's almost 4pm. I think tonight I will make chili and rice. If I start now, it will be ready for an appropriate dinner time...say, around 6pm. As usual, I will set aside a pre-measured snack.