GUILT and SHAME: How Abuse Distorts Perceptions

WARNING: This post may cause triggers. Sharing about self body image, psychological abuse and sexual abuse.

How many of us can recognize how our pasts effect our present and future? Not being able to see this connection is not as uncommon as you might think. As a matter of fact, it is more common that you could imagine. That is why I will periodically write about past events and explain how those events affect me today.

Eating disorders don't start out of the blue. They develop over time. For every addictive or hurtful behavior there is a root beginning. There is a point where things shift and move towards an unhealthy path. It is time to recognize those points of shifting, work through them and propel ourselves into a healthier direction.

I don't think that I've talked much about my feelings of guilt, shame or disgust. Though I do not feel at fault for what my parents have done to me, I do feel fault and guilty for what I've done to myself. I've also recently discovered that I feel fault and guilt about things my parents blamed me for especially if there was something I did want to do and I am told that something bad came of it...I believed it.

GUILT

When I was very young, about 6 or 7 we had this lovely dog named Brutus. Funny, I'm just now able to remember his name. He was a large brown boxer. My parents had just recently gotten him. I was a little afraid of him because he was so large, but I cared for him very much and wanted to bond with him. One day after finishing my school work I went out side to play with Brutus. He was lying beside the back porch. I called his name, but there was no response. I called is name again and still no response. Then I began screaming his name over and over again. I ran in the house still screaming and crying. My mom had her back to me. "He's dead...he's dead!" I guess my mom got tired of me screaming. She turned around and glared at me. "It's YOUR fault!", "It's YOUR fault that he's dead!", "YOU never wanted to feed him or clean up after him! I had to do it all!", "He died because YOU didn't want to take care of him!" Eyes stretched wide and completely silenced, I stopped crying. Was it really my fault? Did I kill Brutus?

To this day that moment still haunts me and yes, in a strange kind of way, I still feel guilt for Brutus' death. I feel guilt when I get a little angry with my son and just want him to go to another room and be quiet for awhile. It's not that I would have said anything. Usually it's just a passing thought. But there have been times when he's gotten sick after I had a thought like that and I wondered...was it my fault? Will God take him away from me because I wanted him to be quiet? It is truly unfortunate what I experienced that day so many years ago. And it is even more unfortunate that I am still affected by my mother's words.

Recently there has been another incident when I've felt profound guilt for something I ultimately had no control over. It was when my son had his bout with constipation. Even though his pediatrician said it was common, I still felt as thought I had done something wrong. I could not sleep for carrying the guilt. My guilt turned into anger. How dare my body work properly when my son's body cannot. The guilt was more than I could bare. I hated myself and I began starving myself again. I know this is extreme. I can't help how I felt. I believed bad things happen when you don't do things perfectly and being a less than perfect mother caused my son to get sick. This way of thinking is a product of the abuse that I endured. I realize that. Now I need to figure out how to combat those strong emotional responses to my past. How do I shake this?

SHAME

My parents were ashamed of me and I was ashamed for embarrassing them especially in public. I could always tell they felt this way. It was how their voices dropped when it came time to introduce me. "And this is my (pause) daughter." Not only did I not behave normally like other kids my age. I wasn't as attractive as my parents. They were picture perfect...on the outside... I felt like an alien, often wondering if they found me under a bush or perhaps someone left me on their doorstep. I would imagine a spaceship flying by and I haphazardly thrown from the ship landed in my parents yard. I can't ever remember feeling as thought I belonged. Oh well, they were stuck with me and I them.

I  about being fat and an eyesore...a disappointment. They would constantly point out all of my flaws and tried earnestly to figure out how to correct them. I lost the ability to see myself as worthy of being loved or worthy of anything. I lost the ability to see myself at all.

I never believe that I deserved how I was treated, but I didn't believe that I deserved to be treated any better either. I wasn't sure what better was anyway.

I still feel the shame for being fat and unattractive. And fat is still my safety net, never to worry about being touched again. Just thinking about it makes me want to scarf down a few oatmeal cream pies as I schlep around the house in old socks and loose clothing camouflaging my girth. It's not working. I tell myself that I dress this way because I want to be comfortable. Lie! I'm hiding...hiding in plain sight. If only I could implode and disappear.

Everyday is a struggle...going through life hoping no one sees me. I hate having to deal with the outside world, my tenants, especially. When I go to the properties, I feel like everyone is staring at me because I'm so fat and disgusting. Shame oozes out of my pores as I encounter each new person. There is silence and  Dear God, please make this go away. I am that same little girl walking down the street with her parents and feeling as though she is a complete outcast and does not belong. Only now I'm not with my parents, I'm with my son. My beautiful son, tall, handsome and well dressed. And here I am...well, I just am.

This reminds me of a book I once purchased for a friend, "When will I Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers." I should have kept that book for myself. I'm always stuck in between feeling or not feeling good enough to be my son's mom. Almost identical to feeling that I was not good enough to the daughter of my parents.

Are you starting to see the distinct patterns between past and present?

All I've ever wanted was to be loved and accepted. No matter how I look I would never be accepted or loved by my parents, many family members and past so called friends.

Fact: In the past, most of the people in my life were only in my life because they wanted or needed something. I am not mad at them. I only wish that I could have had a healthier relationship with them. I wish they could have seem more value in me as a person.

Now that I have been blessed with both love and acceptance from my son and a few friends, I still struggle with believing that it's real or perhaps I just don't know how to accept unconditional love, because it's not something that I'm familiar with.

I hope to become a healthier slimmer me without the fear. I don't know what it's going to take to get there, but as many of you already know, I am always searching for answers and solutions and I believe I will find those answers and solutions one day.  

A huge thank you to those of you who I've come to know and love. Thank you for your support, love and kindness and thank you most of all for your acceptance.

Depth of Commitment - March 27, 2014

As I continue seeking and searching self to determine what commitment means to me I find that commitment is much deeper and more profound than I ever thought. It has it's own diversities and comes in layers. Layers that can work in harmony or work against each other. Even though commitment can be a strong emotion on it's own, it can also be easily lost amidst other emotions.


Let's look at the differences between being committed to being healthier as opposed to being committed to doing the things it takes to be healthier or vice versa and the importance of having balance between the two. It is extremely important to have balance between all layers of commitment.


Within myself I've identified several layers of commitment. Overall commitment to being healthier and individual commitment to each task that it takes to achieve a healthier relationship with myself and food. These commitments combined become a tightly woven thread. If there are any weaknesses in the thread of commitment, the thread will soon break. It is vital for me to examine tasks or goals that I set for yourself to determine how much of a commitment I'm taking on. There may be instances when tasks and goals may need to be modified in order to have a level of commitment that is comfortable for me.


I recognize that I am not strong enough to take on too many commitments. It is established that my strongest commitments are wanting to be healthier and trying to be healthier. Improvements have been made, but I keep back sliding. Some of it is natural and a good portion of it is because something is blocking me from trying harder to succeed. What's blocking me?


I ask myself questions. In order for this step to work I will have to be completely honest with myself.


1. Is it important to me that I eat right?   Yes.
2. Have I achieved a healthier relationship with food?  No, not yet.
3. Am I committed to eating healthier?  Yes.
4. Have I been successful in consistently eating healthier?   No.
5. What's stopping me?  I do not have hunger sensations as I should during the day. I do, but only if I begin eating at certain times. Even though I know this, I still do not push myself to eat at those times. I'll do well for awhile and then I fall back into old habits as I have done today and the past several days.
6. Are you committed to eating at a healthier time? I am committed to trying to eat at a healthier time, but it is also very easy to ignore myself when I tell myself I should eat. It' way too easy to ignore. Eating is not that much of a priority for me on most days even though it makes me feel good when I do better on other days.


Stop right here! Time to assess why eating is not important even though I have committed to trying to eat at a healthier time. I'm committed to trying, but not being consistent with pushing myself when it becomes difficult. This is the reason I keep falling into the circle of failure, because I am committed to the cause, but not committed to the task.


What does it take to become committed to the task? I imagine it would be having the ability to make a commitment to myself first and not just being committed to wanting to change something about myself.


Do you remember the definition of commitment from the Urban Dictionary? Here it is again. Pay close attention to the bolded sentence at the end. I'm going stand in front of a mirror and say those words to myself, because I find no other words to be truer then that sentence when it comes to commitment and I want to be true to myself...committed to myself.


1.

commitment

Commitment is what
Transforms the promise into reality.
It is the words that speak
Boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak
Louder than the words.
It is making the time
When there is none.
Coming through time
After time after time,
Year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff
Character is made of;
The power to change
The face of things.
It is the daily triumph
Of integrity over skepticism.

When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard.

by Ashbash January 13, 2005

This very sentence is exactly what I need to be saying to myself everyday. As a matter of fact, I'm going to print it out and tape it to my bathroom mirror, which is one of the few mirrors I'm willing to see myself in. Loving myself is one of the hardest accomplishments to achieve, but I am going to commit myself to working to love myself even when it's hard. Right now it's hard to love myself all the time. My hope is that is will get easier.

In everything that I have ever been committed to I have succeeded in. I'm aware of this now. Never have I looked at commitment the way that I'm looking at it today. I've learned something else about myself. When I am committed, I am committed with my whole heart and I am not able to see failure. This is the key to winning my battles. I must first become committed to myself with my whole heart and then one by one I will be able to commit to everything else.


The day will come when I will not be afraid of failure, because I will not see failure.


Today I ate a pack of cheese and chive crackers with a cup of water. I began eating at 1:27pm. It is now 3:58pm. I will eat a small bowl of spaghetti left over from last night's dinner. I'm not sure what I will cook today. I just know for sure that I will not be ordering take out.