Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Success in Failure

Wow! It's been a long time since I've sat down to blog. How have you been? I've been okay, much better here lately. At the beginning of the year I felt pretty crummy. Battling lethargy, and dealing with feelings of guilt and failure.

My last blog post was November 1, 2016. I was in a fairly good place at that time. Even looking forward to the holiday season and continuing my new non-traditional celebrations. I was struggling to keep up with exercise and eating right. I binged a few times. Fortunately not complete out of control binging as is so common for me during that time of year. There were several big downers around that time, one was going to the doctor and getting on the scale. For some reason, I imagined being in a better place with my weight, but when I got on the scale I found that I was only and I say this from the place of brokenness; I was only a couple pounds lighter than when I started the process a little over a year ago. Disappointment rained over me, so I retreated for a bit and licked my wounds...again.

A few weeks went by and I found myself in the throws of preparing for my non-traditional holiday meals which consisted of seafood and salads, no deserts and no roasted bird except for the bird promised to me by my friend who was gravely ill at the time. She makes the best roasted bird...any kind of bird. And for that I wanted to make my favorite holiday dressing traditional...yes...but necessary. I was only missing one thing. The gluten free cornbread mix that I loved so much. I searched 7 grocery stores weekly and still could not find what I was looking for.

I didn't want my friend to make the turkey. I didn't think she had the strength, but I also wondered if she didn't make the turkey this year would she ever be able to again. I struggled with the notion of allowing her to keep her promise while watching her fade into a being I could no longer recognize.

While searching earnestly for balance, I still had the charge of dealing with failure. Back when I first started on my journey to living a healthier life, I watched countless videos of women and men who like me struggled with weight and sometimes eating disorders. They'd show video accounts of the first 8 months to a year and the change was dramatic. I was filled with so much hope. I didn't want to focus on the week to week I just held on to hope that at the end of the year I would be a much healthier version of myself. It appeared I didn't achieve that goal or did I.

Over a year ago I was just coming to terms with my eating disorder. Though I had lost some weight over a period of several years, I was still very uncomfortable, very unhealthy and struggling to literally "fit" in. I didn't lose a large amount of weight in this past year. I barely lost a little, but does that equate to failure? I said yes I say something other. Success did not come by way of decrease in weight, it came by way of increase of determination. Even thought my weight loss was only a little it was still a loss and not a gain. And though I struggled and loss the battle many times, I was still fighting the war and gained more resilience, determination and desire to achieve my goal. It took considerable time for me to come to this conclusion, but in doing so I was able to let go.

It's now April 2017. Just last month I found myself back on the saddle and as I picked up the reigns I made the decision to enjoy my life. I'm no longer focused on the journey, but more so embracing life and living. I'm living and doing and exploring things that I never thought I would. I've stepped out on faith and began working more diligently on my autism and disability advocacy. I now serve on several boards and committees. And just recently was invited to speak at the 2017 WAAD observation held at the United Nations in NYC. Who would have thunk it? How did I get here? I don't really know. I just know that I'm enjoying life and passions and I'm taking my beautiful son with me every step of the way. And guess my last doctors appointment I stepped on the scale and to my astonishment I crossed over the threshold I'd been trying to cross for the previous 14 months. It happened just like that. I was amazed and celebrated quietly. I'm still celebrating.

Today, I sit at my desk with many thoughts to share and a smile on my face. I've eaten healthy meals and am about to have a snack. I don't have to worry about walking by my son's snack bowl like I did before. I can actually pluck a chip or two and think nothing of it, nor do I worry about that the taste of a chip on my lips triggering me to binge. I'm alive! I'm living! And I'm loving life!

Onward and Upward!