Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Addition of Book Lists

Greetings everyone, I've just added a couple book lists to my blog page. There are two categories so far, Books about Eating Disorders and Books about Abuse and Healing. These are just a few of the books I've read or are reading and I hope to add more along the way. Would you be interested in a list of video/documentaries about the subjects as well? Please let me know.

I invite you to add your favorite books to the list. You may list them in the comment section of this post. I'd love to know what you've read and your opinion if care to share. I will talk about different books from the list periodically. Perhaps we could have a little book review post together.

December 16, 2014: Calling ED Out Pt. 1

I mentioned several posts ago that I started reading "Life Without ED: How One Woman Delclared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too," By Jenni Schaefer with Thom Rutledge.

I'm reading this book a little at a time. Sometimes if I try to take too much information in it become overwhelming. Besides, I like to mull over what I've read thoroughly digesting it before continuing. What I've read so far has the potential of being very helpful. I admit that I was a bit hesitant to becoming completely engrossed in the book for one reason and one reason only. Jenni's ED is Anorexia. My initial feeling was of disappointment. Here I am reading another book about Anorexia. What does that have to do with me? Reading a bit more I found invaluable insight and methodology that can help most any eating disorder.

We all have relationships with our disorder even if we don't see it that way. I appreciate how Jenni separates herself from her eating disorder, giving it it's own identity and functioning in her life. This makes sense. In a previous post I stated that my eating disorder had taken on a life of it's own. Reading Life Without Ed shows me that my thoughts are right on track. EDs are very much an identifiable entity in my life.

One of the more interesting parts of what I've read so far is how Jenni talks about Ed as if it were a real person, as if being in a bad marriage and wanting a divorce. How appropriate. I stopped just after this point because I wanted to allow this concept to really sink in.

I lieu of the recent onset of binging I have turned my attention to calling out Ed. I want Ed to step out of the shadows and so I can fully identify him, seeing him in his ugly truth. I may not experience Ed in the way others experience him. For Jenni, Ed told her she was fat and thin is so much better. My Ed tells me that it's okay to be fat. He tells me to eat, drink and be merry, accept I'm not merry. I've eaten myself into misery. My Ed tells me to sooth myself with more food and it will be alright. Food will never hurt me...yeah right.

I figure, if I can call Ed out I can begin working on a healthier internal dialog, one that counters what he tells me. I've managed to do some of this already only this time it will be different...I hope.

Something has to give. I've been sinking into a huge hole of despair. I'm so tired, too tired to claw my way out. But if I stop trying, the inevitable will happen and I don't want that to happen.

I continue fighting for my life. There will be many ups and downs along the way. Just know that I have not completely given out nor am I giving up. I'm just going through...


My daytime food intake has been very good. I am more creative with breakfasts, especially on the weekends. On Sunday for breakfast I had French toast, smoked turkey sausage and a scrambled egg and a cup of hot tea. I enjoyed every bit of it and was able to manage a snack later that afternoon and a delicious dinner that night consisting of rice, veggies and stewed chicken.

I've recently tried incorporating some of my favorite taste combinations like hotdogs and applesauce, but I'm not strong enough to have a childhood favorites yet. I've discovered that having favored taste combinations can trigger binging because that taste combination was fueled by a need for comfort, so that is something I will need to avoid for now.

Nighttime eating is getting a little better. I don't have a desire to binge every night as I have in recent past. I've managed to get through some nights with or without a snack and other nights, well, I binge, but I try very hard to find mental comfort so I can stop the feed. It helps at times. 

Monday, December 8, 2014

December 8, 2014

Affirmation after affirmation and I'm still trying to feel better. Some days I feel so strong, but today I do not.

How am I supposed to look in the mirror and see beauty when I look in the faces of others and see disgust? Do I really see the disgust of others or am I seeing a reflection of my own.

Sometimes it's more than stress that sends me spiraling into binging. Sometimes it's the need to forget or escape things...a night of self-medicating. 

I tell myself that food will never hurt me, but it does and I let it. I'm just as accepting of the pain binging bring as I've been of abusive behaviors toward me. I take it all in thinking that taking it makes me stronger. I'm not getting stronger, I'm just becoming more numb.

For the past few nights I have giving into binging. I can't even say what is the reason. I couldn't stop...no matter what I tried. To be completely honest I didn't really try. I simply complied to it's wishes. I ate without measure and did not care. I slept with ease then woke to nausea. Typical scenario, only this time I didn't let it stop me from eating as I should. I hold up well in the light of day, but by night the urges return and I binge again. I've been cycling for the past 3 nights. Even if at that time I wanted to stop I knew I'd lose this fight.

Dear God, please help me get through tonight without binging. I feel the cravings so strong. I need the strength to fight the inner voice that constantly points out the wrongs.

It's 2:14am and I'm no where near sleep. Will I be more productive or will I just eat?

Perhaps another cup of tea or something to read to dull the negativity and the need...