Affirmation after affirmation and I'm still trying to feel better. Some days I feel so strong, but today I do not.
How am I supposed to look in the mirror and see beauty when I look in the faces of others and see disgust? Do I really see the disgust of others or am I seeing a reflection of my own.
Sometimes it's more than stress that sends me spiraling into binging. Sometimes it's the need to forget or escape things...a night of self-medicating.
I tell myself that food will never hurt me, but it does and I let it. I'm just as accepting of the pain binging bring as I've been of abusive behaviors toward me. I take it all in thinking that taking it makes me stronger. I'm not getting stronger, I'm just becoming more numb.
For the past few nights I have giving into binging. I can't even say what is the reason. I couldn't stop...no matter what I tried. To be completely honest I didn't really try. I simply complied to it's wishes. I ate without measure and did not care. I slept with ease then woke to nausea. Typical scenario, only this time I didn't let it stop me from eating as I should. I hold up well in the light of day, but by night the urges return and I binge again. I've been cycling for the past 3 nights. Even if at that time I wanted to stop I knew I'd lose this fight.
Dear God, please help me get through tonight without binging. I feel the cravings so strong. I need the strength to fight the inner voice that constantly points out the wrongs.
It's 2:14am and I'm no where near sleep. Will I be more productive or will I just eat?
Perhaps another cup of tea or something to read to dull the negativity and the need...
I have been disappointed with my eating again too. It's the same, at night..I KNOW not to buy the treasured trigger food, but I tell myself, I can just eat a few a day. NO, no and NO I can't! EVER!!! Yet I always believe it in the warmth of the sunlight as I shop. Again, I have a blank image where I should have memorized a nice list of healthy food choices. This is a fun time of year- but this is a dangerous time of the year too..holiday snacks. Oh my goodness, I will pray with you for the both of us...Alyce.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Alyce and I will do the same. It has been a very hard season. I don't think it would be so very hard if it weren't for the limitless stress that continues to fall upon me. I feel as though I have been cursed at times and other times I feel unworthy of receiving good. It teeters back and forth. I have no way to control it. My PTSD is kicking in real hard. No matter if I'm awake or sleep I find myself getting lost in the plague of disturbing visions. I'll be glad when this year ends, but I shutter to think what next year will bring...
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, my dear friend. I hope things are much more pleasant for you there. I will pray for us and for all who are struggling.
Oh please keep writing, even if only a private journal to help unburden your mind and also speak with an understanding friend or kind therapist..you are too good a person to have to carry this pain for so long...Alyce.
ReplyDeleteI will continue to write, my dear friend...no worries on that. It's just that the weight of my problems gets so heavy sometimes that it's difficult to write or even talk about. Besides, how else would I be privy to your wonderful words of wisdom and constant reminder that I am not alone in this journey.
ReplyDeleteIt's not only that I enjoy ready your responses, but I also feel that there are a few who read my words and perhaps even our comments that totally relate. I hope to show what it is to succeed, fail and be delivered from the things that bind. Most of all I hope to show myself that I'm going to be okay no matter what.
Hope your doing better! Thinking of you, Alyce.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Alyce. I met with my therapist yesterday. I was able to get a lot off my chest. I do feel better today. How are you doing, my friend?
ReplyDeleteHad some good and calm days here lately, those are so rare and wonderful..really helps to handle the storms as they pass on through! I'm glad you have a nice therapist to work with...Love Alyce.
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear that you are having calm days. Those days are always welcomed here. I had a bit of an uproar when my ex-husband dropped by two evenings ago. I was still pretty shaken the next day, but was soon soothed by a visit from an old friend.
ReplyDeleteIs he mean to you? Oh I pray not...Alyce.
ReplyDeleteYes, he was mean to me during our marriage. He is not allowed back into my life. Between my parents and him I've had more than my share of misery. I just want him to get that we don't want him around. Hopefully he will go back to his girlfriend and make up.
ReplyDeleteOh yes! We must keep our garden of life free of toxic weeds!!!
ReplyDeleteIndeed...
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