WARNING: This post may be triggering
I've heard many things about pain associated with ED. Especially in cases where weight loss is severe. We've talked about this in a previous post. I wonder why I've not heard someone speak of the pain one can feel after or even while eating. I also want to talk about the pleasure involved in self inflicted deprivation.
On the course of this journey I've looked into several reasons as to why I've had so much difficulty eating an appropriate amount of food during the day. Some very interesting questions have come out of this search. I've posed these questions to myself and answers have been put in place. New healthier habits are beginning to form, but that does not guarantee there won't be times of weakness. For me the hard times don't always feel like a weakness. Sometimes it's more like a desire to reconnect to an old friend or a good feeling.
I admitted in a previous post that I struggled with consuming daytime calories because I gave into the mindset of not being able to eat as opposed to the fact that I didn't want to eat. That feeling still exists much of the time. I'm still able to combat the desire to starve most of the time with scheduled meals. Though the feeling still persists, I have to remember that it took more than a few days to develop this unhealthy desire and it's going to take more than a few days to overcome it.
As I continue my struggle I find more truths revealing themselves. It's interesting how much comes to you when you open yourself to the healing process. So here's another truth. I like how it feels when I starve myself. There's a feeling of lightness, a quiet calm comes over me as I watch the hours tick away without eating a morsel. I even feel like I can breath better, focus better, move better. There have been times I've had afternoon plans and purposely denied myself food so I don't feel weighed down while out. And yes, these things have happened recently.
I'm learning that the healing process does not mean overcoming an issue will dissolve it forever. It takes a concerted effort and the ever present commitment factor to succeed for the long hall. Just as with any type of addiction I have to take it one day at a time. If I fall, then I need to get up, brush myself off and begin the process again. There is no quick fix...no magic potion. I'm glad there isn't a quick fix. If there were, I'd never fully appreciate recovering. I'd never face the truth of how my recovery feels or how it feels to be sick. Both possess pain and pleasure...fear and reckoning.
The reality of the severity of my situation strikes again. Starving myself isn't working for me like it used to. I seldom have that light feeling anymore. What I have is fatigue and shortness of breath. Physical pain settles in as food lands in my stomach; bloating occurs, discomfort increases. I don't want to move, but it hurts to much to sit. I try walking, but the pain only gets worse. So I lay praying for the pain to go away. I don't want to feel this pain. There are days when I still want to starve. I am thankful on those days that I remember the pain of taking the first bite of food after denying myself food all day. I'm also aware of a newly felt urge to purge. I force myself to eat early enough so I don't the feel pain again.
When I eat, my jowl aches and burns as I chew. There are times I have to rest my mouth before I can resume chewing again. I'm usually not focused enough to enjoy food and If I do focus on enjoying my food I may want to eat too much. Can't afford to eat too much...can't afford to eat too little. I'm stuck between a rock and a very hard place.
As I write I'm beginning to feel hungry. It's been awhile since my last meal. This post is a grim reminder that I need to eat to avoid that dreaded pain. I'll grab a pack of crackers. That should do the trick.
I wonder what makes hurting myself feel so good, empowering...sometimes exhilarating. I can see the link to the cause of the desire to hurt myself, but I don't understand the euphoria I feel while doing so. Where does that come from? I don't recall feeling pleasure from the pain that was issued to me by my parents. How does this psychological development take place?
I'll continue to ponder this thought while I eat cheese crackers.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Monday, May 26, 2014
Feeling Better: Making Decisions 5/26/14
My last post was pretty intense, at least it was for me. I needed to get my emotions out. Felt like I was drowning. I needed to release. I wasn't my best for a few days after. There was no binging, but I had to resume my late night snack to keep from binging. Trying to wean myself off of late snacks again, was doing pretty well until recently.
In lieu of our recent holiday, Memorial Day, I've had to make some decisions about food and entertainment. I thought it best not to cook out because that would leave me with too much cooked food in the house. It would be better to eat out, which limits my intake. For a brief moment I thought about ordering an additional sandwich or entre to take home, but quickly dismissed the thought. No extra foods allowed!
I wanted to treat myself to one of my favorite things which is orange peels dipped in chocolate. Its not something I get often and it's been over a year since the last time I treated myself, so, I went to the Chocolate Factory and purchased a few pieces and 3 pieces of chocolate covered seafoam. My candy purchase should last a couple weeks. Ironically I've never binged on chocolates. I guess it's because I'm not a lover of chocolate and rarely have it in the house. I usually eat 3 or 4 pieces of the chocolate covered orange peel at a time. They are small, but quite satisfying.
Last night I wanted something a little sweet. I did not turn to my chocolate, but ate strawberries with a homemade fruit dip. It was delicious. A perfect treat at the end of a good day.
I'm trying to figure out what's the best way to deal with my desire to lose weight. I don't want to think about pounds and calories. Should I think of myself in body parts, like focusing on my stomach, thighs or bottom? I don't think that will work for me either. Thoughts of that nature can easily turn into obsessions. Perhaps I will think of muscle groups. That's not the same as thinking about my girth. I could focus on strengthening, elongating, stretching, but not so much sculpting. It needs to be more about my health, not my weight. No numbers allowed! That's the funny thing about weight loss. You can't really accurately measure pound lost because as fat is lost muscle is gained. There's a counter balance there that may lead you to believe that you've gained weight or are at a stand still. Not a good situation for a person with an eating disorder. Okay then, that settles it. I believe the best way for me to begin working on my physical self is to focus on that which is less damning and that will be my muscles. It's worth a shot.
Yesterday was a bad eating day, during the day that is... My son and I had plans to eat out with friends. I wanted to eat that morning, but dismissed it because I was eating out and didn't want to consume too many calories. I'm not trying to make any excuses. I know I should have eaten earlier. We did not get to the eatery until after 3pm. My energy level was plummeting. I order the shrimp and fries with a large glass of water. I managed to eat all of my shrimp, but not many of the fries. It wasn't long after that I began to feel awful. The top of my stomach started aching and I began having mild heart palpitations periodically. I've heard of having heart palpitations when severe restriction occurs, but for me it's different. My body lies dormant while I'm in starvation mode. I feel okay with exception to feeling very tired as it gets later in the day. Shortly after consuming a meal (something more than crackers) I start feeling sick. My body does not adjust well from starvation mode to eating mode. It's like my body goes into shock because I've eaten. It usually takes about an hour before I start to feel better. I'm not sure what all is occurring inside my body. I just know that 38 years of having an eating disorder has done damage. If I eat as I should I don't have these problems.
Nothing showed up in my last physical. I think next time I go to the doctor's office I'll mention my symptoms and see what they say.
I made a point not to hold out on food today. I ate a good breakfast, 2 eggs, cheese, leftover veggies and water. For lunch I ate pears in extra light syrup. This is not an ideal meal, but it's something. Dinner was chicken fajitas with lots of veggies, a little rice and beans, no tortillas and water.
In lieu of our recent holiday, Memorial Day, I've had to make some decisions about food and entertainment. I thought it best not to cook out because that would leave me with too much cooked food in the house. It would be better to eat out, which limits my intake. For a brief moment I thought about ordering an additional sandwich or entre to take home, but quickly dismissed the thought. No extra foods allowed!
I wanted to treat myself to one of my favorite things which is orange peels dipped in chocolate. Its not something I get often and it's been over a year since the last time I treated myself, so, I went to the Chocolate Factory and purchased a few pieces and 3 pieces of chocolate covered seafoam. My candy purchase should last a couple weeks. Ironically I've never binged on chocolates. I guess it's because I'm not a lover of chocolate and rarely have it in the house. I usually eat 3 or 4 pieces of the chocolate covered orange peel at a time. They are small, but quite satisfying.
Last night I wanted something a little sweet. I did not turn to my chocolate, but ate strawberries with a homemade fruit dip. It was delicious. A perfect treat at the end of a good day.
I'm trying to figure out what's the best way to deal with my desire to lose weight. I don't want to think about pounds and calories. Should I think of myself in body parts, like focusing on my stomach, thighs or bottom? I don't think that will work for me either. Thoughts of that nature can easily turn into obsessions. Perhaps I will think of muscle groups. That's not the same as thinking about my girth. I could focus on strengthening, elongating, stretching, but not so much sculpting. It needs to be more about my health, not my weight. No numbers allowed! That's the funny thing about weight loss. You can't really accurately measure pound lost because as fat is lost muscle is gained. There's a counter balance there that may lead you to believe that you've gained weight or are at a stand still. Not a good situation for a person with an eating disorder. Okay then, that settles it. I believe the best way for me to begin working on my physical self is to focus on that which is less damning and that will be my muscles. It's worth a shot.
Yesterday was a bad eating day, during the day that is... My son and I had plans to eat out with friends. I wanted to eat that morning, but dismissed it because I was eating out and didn't want to consume too many calories. I'm not trying to make any excuses. I know I should have eaten earlier. We did not get to the eatery until after 3pm. My energy level was plummeting. I order the shrimp and fries with a large glass of water. I managed to eat all of my shrimp, but not many of the fries. It wasn't long after that I began to feel awful. The top of my stomach started aching and I began having mild heart palpitations periodically. I've heard of having heart palpitations when severe restriction occurs, but for me it's different. My body lies dormant while I'm in starvation mode. I feel okay with exception to feeling very tired as it gets later in the day. Shortly after consuming a meal (something more than crackers) I start feeling sick. My body does not adjust well from starvation mode to eating mode. It's like my body goes into shock because I've eaten. It usually takes about an hour before I start to feel better. I'm not sure what all is occurring inside my body. I just know that 38 years of having an eating disorder has done damage. If I eat as I should I don't have these problems.
Nothing showed up in my last physical. I think next time I go to the doctor's office I'll mention my symptoms and see what they say.
I made a point not to hold out on food today. I ate a good breakfast, 2 eggs, cheese, leftover veggies and water. For lunch I ate pears in extra light syrup. This is not an ideal meal, but it's something. Dinner was chicken fajitas with lots of veggies, a little rice and beans, no tortillas and water.
Monday, May 19, 2014
How I Feel - 5/19/14
This is my safe place. A place of honesty and sharing. I've shown my failures and I've shared my triumphs. I've even allowed a little peek into my soul. So what's left but to say that which lies beneath the sweet façade, giving unto the things that crawleth under the skin sending one spiraling into darkness praying to survive another day...as the inevitable awaits.
I unconsciously lift my fork to my mouth. There is food there, so I eat of it. Food doesn't taste good today nor did it yesterday. I still say it feels good to have made progress, but I am still very afraid. What if I fail again? What if I go so far only to start from square one again? How sick will I get this time?
Will I ever lose this weight? How can I ever lose this weight? Stupid diets don't work! All they do is make me want to STOP...eating. I have to eat.
Sometimes I don't feel healthy enough to exercise. I feel sick and I'm always tired. I've worn myself to the core. My monsters laugh at me. They can't hurt me anymore, but that doesn't matter. I've mastered hurting myself.
How many of us suffer, unable to see past poor self image? You don't have to answer that. I bet the majority of us do. I see so many having been emotionally, mentally and physically damaged...brutally so sometimes. The suffering is beyond pandemic. We are so saturated with pain that it's almost unrecognizable...invisible. We used to overlook pain because it wasn't talked about, but now we overlook the pain because it's what we are all about. Who hasn't been affected by addiction, physical affliction, unfortunate parenting, victimization, sexual deviancy, learned behavior, narcissism, co-dependency, mental illness...whatever the.... You name it we've got it...welcome to hell.
Why do we cling to pain? I don't understand it, but I see nothing other than IT. The cycle is vicious. There are people who want to hurt people while wanting to hurt themselves because they've been hurt; but then they may choose to hurt themselves over hurting other people, because it's another way to hurt others while feeding the inherent desire to continue the hurt they've known. It's a way of getting attention. It's a way of being left alone. It's a way of screaming out loud. It's a way of keeping silent. It's a relief. It's an escape. Pain used to cope with pain...that's the name of the game...right? If pain doesn't come now...it will most assuredly come later. No one goes unscathed.
The cycle of torment spans generations. The only difference between us and them...then and now...speaking our truth out loud. Of course, there are still those who live by the old decree...what happens in this house stays in this house. Secrets and lies stacked up in closets and shoved under beds; sent of to the places of unknown. I still wonder what kinds of hell past generations have seen. What lies have been dragged into graves. My mom had secrets...lots of them. Many of which I don't know or care to remember. She knew all my dirty secrets and dared not speak of them...not even to me.
I can't get this feeling out of my head...the feeling of being leprous, undesirable...cursed. Hell's fire upon all who look upon me. I am the hunchback of Notre Dame. The one shunned and ran away from. I do not know the love others claim to know. I have been used, abused and left to wither away. People tell me I'm pretty even beautiful, but it's all an illusion. I'm hidden behind smoke and mirrors. They want to make me feel better, but I don't want them to make me feel better and if they continue trying to make me feel better than I won't allow myself to feel better at all. I can't stand the disappointment. I can't stand feeling pretty for another moment only to watch it fade away...again. I just want to be left alone. Funny...I tell others they're beautiful. I want them to believe it because I believe it. Do they really believe me or do they feel the same as I do? Am I really helping them or am I trying to help myself?
I want to be stuck in a cave far away from humanity. I want to go unseen. I want to move along the crevices of existence cloaked by the black of night. I want to be sheltered by the silence of my thoughts. They won't be silenced. I want to numb my thoughts with food, self medicated in the comfort of being uncomfortable, but I can't. My desire to do so is fading so I sit here tonight and I write, fighting to live a life that I've never lived. Tonight I sit lost in a poetic slur.
I unconsciously lift my fork to my mouth. There is food there, so I eat of it. Food doesn't taste good today nor did it yesterday. I still say it feels good to have made progress, but I am still very afraid. What if I fail again? What if I go so far only to start from square one again? How sick will I get this time?
Will I ever lose this weight? How can I ever lose this weight? Stupid diets don't work! All they do is make me want to STOP...eating. I have to eat.
Sometimes I don't feel healthy enough to exercise. I feel sick and I'm always tired. I've worn myself to the core. My monsters laugh at me. They can't hurt me anymore, but that doesn't matter. I've mastered hurting myself.
How many of us suffer, unable to see past poor self image? You don't have to answer that. I bet the majority of us do. I see so many having been emotionally, mentally and physically damaged...brutally so sometimes. The suffering is beyond pandemic. We are so saturated with pain that it's almost unrecognizable...invisible. We used to overlook pain because it wasn't talked about, but now we overlook the pain because it's what we are all about. Who hasn't been affected by addiction, physical affliction, unfortunate parenting, victimization, sexual deviancy, learned behavior, narcissism, co-dependency, mental illness...whatever the.... You name it we've got it...welcome to hell.
Why do we cling to pain? I don't understand it, but I see nothing other than IT. The cycle is vicious. There are people who want to hurt people while wanting to hurt themselves because they've been hurt; but then they may choose to hurt themselves over hurting other people, because it's another way to hurt others while feeding the inherent desire to continue the hurt they've known. It's a way of getting attention. It's a way of being left alone. It's a way of screaming out loud. It's a way of keeping silent. It's a relief. It's an escape. Pain used to cope with pain...that's the name of the game...right? If pain doesn't come now...it will most assuredly come later. No one goes unscathed.
The cycle of torment spans generations. The only difference between us and them...then and now...speaking our truth out loud. Of course, there are still those who live by the old decree...what happens in this house stays in this house. Secrets and lies stacked up in closets and shoved under beds; sent of to the places of unknown. I still wonder what kinds of hell past generations have seen. What lies have been dragged into graves. My mom had secrets...lots of them. Many of which I don't know or care to remember. She knew all my dirty secrets and dared not speak of them...not even to me.
I can't get this feeling out of my head...the feeling of being leprous, undesirable...cursed. Hell's fire upon all who look upon me. I am the hunchback of Notre Dame. The one shunned and ran away from. I do not know the love others claim to know. I have been used, abused and left to wither away. People tell me I'm pretty even beautiful, but it's all an illusion. I'm hidden behind smoke and mirrors. They want to make me feel better, but I don't want them to make me feel better and if they continue trying to make me feel better than I won't allow myself to feel better at all. I can't stand the disappointment. I can't stand feeling pretty for another moment only to watch it fade away...again. I just want to be left alone. Funny...I tell others they're beautiful. I want them to believe it because I believe it. Do they really believe me or do they feel the same as I do? Am I really helping them or am I trying to help myself?
I want to be stuck in a cave far away from humanity. I want to go unseen. I want to move along the crevices of existence cloaked by the black of night. I want to be sheltered by the silence of my thoughts. They won't be silenced. I want to numb my thoughts with food, self medicated in the comfort of being uncomfortable, but I can't. My desire to do so is fading so I sit here tonight and I write, fighting to live a life that I've never lived. Tonight I sit lost in a poetic slur.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
This Woman Wants to Change How All of Us Sees Our Bodies
Some lovely person posted an excellent article written in the Huffington Post entitled, "This Woman Wants to Chang How All of Us Sees Our Bodies." The article made me sit back and think about my own body image. It's not a good image, but I'm working on it. What I found most profound about the article was what, Taryn Brumfitt, The woman in the video said about her own weight loss and how she felt. After losing weight and having the perfect body Taryn didn't feel any different. She still had the same negative self image. So Taryn decided to stop trying to be perfect and embraced her natural curves. She found a way to love herself just as she was.
If you can, please take a few minutes to read this article and watch the short video that accompanies it. I think you'll enjoy it.
(you may have to double click the link below)
This Woman Wants to Change How All of Us Sees Our Bodies
If you can, please take a few minutes to read this article and watch the short video that accompanies it. I think you'll enjoy it.
(you may have to double click the link below)
This Woman Wants to Change How All of Us Sees Our Bodies
Dealing with triggers: The Ugly Button - 5/15/14
I joined an online support group yesterday. I wasn't sure how I'd like it, but the experience has been good so far. The group is pretty large, but it feels small and intimate. I like that.
There were some wonderful responses to the short introduction I posted. Questions were being asked about NES and others even chimed in and said thank you for joining because they too suffer from NES and it's almost never heard of. Can I tell you...it was wonderful to speak with people who knew just where I was coming from. People who could describe feeling and behaviors that I was all too familiar with. Wonderful connections were being made. However, everything has two sides. For every good there is bad. The bad thing is nothing that's being done intentionally. What is it? Triggers. Triggers that occur when reading emotionally intense posts. It can't be helped. EDs, addictions, abuse, disabilities, life itself...all these things come with pluses and minuses. When we are invited to speak about our issues there's always the risk of triggering others. I don't see any way around it except to never speak. What good would that do? Silence is worse than the actual triggers themselves.
The people in the group are very nice and yes, some of the subject matter is very intense. I'm already feeling kind of weirded out by the fact that so many beautiful people aren't able to see their own beauty. I want to scream and take the whole feeling ugly thing, wrap it up and tuck it into a place where no one can find it. It's a reminder of how ugly I see myself. If I were to describe myself in one word it would be...leprous. I can except my own feelings of inadequacy, but I am not coping well will with others feeling this way. They are all so beautiful. I know...the way I'm thinking is not fair to myself or them. They have their reasons for feeling the way they do just as I do. Perhaps it's too painful to see the pain of others when I'm having trouble seeing my own.
The more posts I read the angrier I feel. Not at the people for feeling the way they feel, but angry about living in a society where we are conditioned to feel ugly if we don't fit societal molds.
HOW DARE society think they are doing us a justice by making a "conscious" effort to depict and appreciate what is already beautiful! HOW DARE it be an effort at all to show women with voluptuous curves or people with rich skin tones! What happened to us that so many of us hate what we see in the mirror? Why is there so much shame in having a pimple, frizzy hair, being chubby, thin or whatever other superficial what not we can come up with? How are we to feel good when everything tell us to feeling bad?
Confession: I used to be obsessed with wanting to fix other peoples problems.
Other peoples problems were a welcomed distraction. My issues were ever present, ominous, venomous and I needed an escape. I would retreat into myself, draw or read books, but my favorite past time was dissecting the problems of others and obsessing over finding solutions. I was the self proclaimed Trojan of resolution. Bring all your problems to me and I will help you solve them. I was about as useful as a snake oil salesman. Though I must admit, there were some benefits to taking a situation, breaking it down and presenting it in a way that may not have been previously explored. It sometimes opened the doorway for individuals to take another look at their situations and search for answers within themselves. That would be the most reasonable intent for my process, but instead, I took it up a few notches and bought into my need to be needed.
Thanks to being self aware, I put a lot of effort to undoing the need to be needed along with undoing the need for people to serve specific roles in my life. It feels so much better to simply enjoy people for the sake of enjoying them and not having them lined up like a list of to dos. Now that I am freed from trying to solve the world's problem I can redirect my energy into the healing process. I will have to periodically remind myself that I can empathize without giving into the impulse to fix or solve things. I will also work on allowing myself to feel pain and then release it.
I'm still eating rye bread for breakfast every morning. Today I had two slices of rye bread with a little peanut butter. Lunch was an egg and cheese frittata and dinner will be left over chili from last night's impromptu dinner.
There were some wonderful responses to the short introduction I posted. Questions were being asked about NES and others even chimed in and said thank you for joining because they too suffer from NES and it's almost never heard of. Can I tell you...it was wonderful to speak with people who knew just where I was coming from. People who could describe feeling and behaviors that I was all too familiar with. Wonderful connections were being made. However, everything has two sides. For every good there is bad. The bad thing is nothing that's being done intentionally. What is it? Triggers. Triggers that occur when reading emotionally intense posts. It can't be helped. EDs, addictions, abuse, disabilities, life itself...all these things come with pluses and minuses. When we are invited to speak about our issues there's always the risk of triggering others. I don't see any way around it except to never speak. What good would that do? Silence is worse than the actual triggers themselves.
The people in the group are very nice and yes, some of the subject matter is very intense. I'm already feeling kind of weirded out by the fact that so many beautiful people aren't able to see their own beauty. I want to scream and take the whole feeling ugly thing, wrap it up and tuck it into a place where no one can find it. It's a reminder of how ugly I see myself. If I were to describe myself in one word it would be...leprous. I can except my own feelings of inadequacy, but I am not coping well will with others feeling this way. They are all so beautiful. I know...the way I'm thinking is not fair to myself or them. They have their reasons for feeling the way they do just as I do. Perhaps it's too painful to see the pain of others when I'm having trouble seeing my own.
The more posts I read the angrier I feel. Not at the people for feeling the way they feel, but angry about living in a society where we are conditioned to feel ugly if we don't fit societal molds.
HOW DARE society think they are doing us a justice by making a "conscious" effort to depict and appreciate what is already beautiful! HOW DARE it be an effort at all to show women with voluptuous curves or people with rich skin tones! What happened to us that so many of us hate what we see in the mirror? Why is there so much shame in having a pimple, frizzy hair, being chubby, thin or whatever other superficial what not we can come up with? How are we to feel good when everything tell us to feeling bad?
Confession: I used to be obsessed with wanting to fix other peoples problems.
Other peoples problems were a welcomed distraction. My issues were ever present, ominous, venomous and I needed an escape. I would retreat into myself, draw or read books, but my favorite past time was dissecting the problems of others and obsessing over finding solutions. I was the self proclaimed Trojan of resolution. Bring all your problems to me and I will help you solve them. I was about as useful as a snake oil salesman. Though I must admit, there were some benefits to taking a situation, breaking it down and presenting it in a way that may not have been previously explored. It sometimes opened the doorway for individuals to take another look at their situations and search for answers within themselves. That would be the most reasonable intent for my process, but instead, I took it up a few notches and bought into my need to be needed.
Thanks to being self aware, I put a lot of effort to undoing the need to be needed along with undoing the need for people to serve specific roles in my life. It feels so much better to simply enjoy people for the sake of enjoying them and not having them lined up like a list of to dos. Now that I am freed from trying to solve the world's problem I can redirect my energy into the healing process. I will have to periodically remind myself that I can empathize without giving into the impulse to fix or solve things. I will also work on allowing myself to feel pain and then release it.
I'm still eating rye bread for breakfast every morning. Today I had two slices of rye bread with a little peanut butter. Lunch was an egg and cheese frittata and dinner will be left over chili from last night's impromptu dinner.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Post Mother's Day Thoughts - 5/12/14
Greetings everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. Yesterday was Mother's Day. I hope you do not think me rude for not having some sort of Mother's day post. I could not think of what I wanted to say about the day beyond plans with my extended family. Mother's day is a day filled with mixed emotions. On the one hand I celebrate being a mom and all that it entails. I don't always love every aspect of being a parent, but I'm in love with what parenting is...what it's supposed to be. On the other hand, I am wounded by having a mom who was not emotionally present; a mom who could not protect me or herself from the constant abuse inflicted upon us. How do I cherish the memories of a mom who stood on the other side of the bedroom door listening to my hell? I don't know. What I do know is that I made the day special for me. It was all about me, my son and family moments. I thank God for blessing me to be a participant in the greatest journey on earth...being a mom. So I celebrate in the spirit of motherhood with all the moms of the world, who like me, adore what they do and who they do for.
Being a mom is why it's so very important to be the best me I can be. I can't wait to meet the healthier me. I can't wait to see what all that person can achieve. I can't wait to see how the new me influences my son. I can't imagine what it will be like to look into a mirror and finally see..."Me."
All of my Mother's day plans went well. We had all the foods that we liked and sipped on beverages of our choosing. The atmosphere was light and filled with laughter...just as it should be.
I was a little worried about having so much food prepared. I'm proud to say that I did not binge over the weekend. I didn't overdue it with the sweets or anything. I ate regular portions at appropriate times and it was all good. For the first time in my life I realize that can do this. I really can. I will not see failure. Commitment is solidly in place and change has already begun. The chain that binds is finally loosening. I will succeed.
I ate breakfast at 11:15am. I had one slice of rye bread with two mini quiche, two pieces of fish and a cup of coffee, decaf. Lunch will be more of the same without the bread or coffee. Instead I will have water with my lunch. Dinner will be jambalaya.
Being a mom is why it's so very important to be the best me I can be. I can't wait to meet the healthier me. I can't wait to see what all that person can achieve. I can't wait to see how the new me influences my son. I can't imagine what it will be like to look into a mirror and finally see..."Me."
All of my Mother's day plans went well. We had all the foods that we liked and sipped on beverages of our choosing. The atmosphere was light and filled with laughter...just as it should be.
I was a little worried about having so much food prepared. I'm proud to say that I did not binge over the weekend. I didn't overdue it with the sweets or anything. I ate regular portions at appropriate times and it was all good. For the first time in my life I realize that can do this. I really can. I will not see failure. Commitment is solidly in place and change has already begun. The chain that binds is finally loosening. I will succeed.
I ate breakfast at 11:15am. I had one slice of rye bread with two mini quiche, two pieces of fish and a cup of coffee, decaf. Lunch will be more of the same without the bread or coffee. Instead I will have water with my lunch. Dinner will be jambalaya.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
My Aha Moment
I had an aha moment yesterday. It came to me when I unexpectedly experienced a brief moment of mourning while celebrating an accomplishment. Whenever I can, I like to take a few quiet moments to reflect on the things I've been blessed to achieve in my day. I also like to check in with myself to see if I've been able to do a little better than yesterday. This is my way of making mental notes of progress and pitfalls. I find it beneficial to be fully aware of both.
There was a post that I wrote a few days ago. I spoke of deserving to feel good and how the negativity of others was weighing me down, sometimes making me feel guilty for feeling good. It's not always noticeable at first. To be honest I don't think the looming negativity became relevant in my conscious mind until I focused on getting out of my own negative space. That is when all other negativity started to surface and I find myself wanting to be rid of it. Negativity can seep into your conscious and fester like a disease. It can spread into every facet of your being if not careful. Be mindful of the negativity that surrounds you.
I celebrated moving out of a negative space, but in that moment of celebration I began to feel a sense of mourning, like the loss of an old acquaintance. That old acquaintance was my self-loathing. I mourned it because I recognized it leaving. It's been a part of me for so long. I knew it well and it was being replaced by positive feelings which I am not that familiar with. Question: Could this be why it's so hard for people to let go of the bad thing in their lives? Maybe because the bad things are what we are most familiar with and good things are not trusted to be everlasting.
That was my aha moment. I allowed myself to mourn the loss of a measure of negativity and I welcomed the good that settle in. The good is still here.
How do you cope with the bad things in your life? Do you deal with them? Ignore them? Bury them? Hold on to them?
Are you as frightened as I am to let go of the familiar? Do you embrace the good that you deserve or question its authenticity?
Have you ever found yourself in a moment of happiness only to face gripping fear of something terrible taking all of the happiness away?
You're not alone. I live with these questions and fears everyday. So know when that moment of goodness and truth comes in, take it for what it's worth and strive for more. When you find yourself celebrating accomplishing something wonderful, allow yourself to release the negativity that preceded it. Allow yourself to be free in that moment.
I did not binge last night. Breakfast was a little late today, around 11:30am. I had eggs with chicken and a large glass of water. I did not get around to eating lunch. For dinner I had red rice with veggies and smoked turkey sausage and a large glass of water. I will have a premeasured snack set aside for tonight if needed.
I wanting to focus a little more on weight loss and plan to do so, however I'm not strong enough for it to be a primary goal. It's too soon. I fear starving myself will come into play if I make my weight a focal point.
A good friend challenged me to try something different. I have recently made a commitment to try eating a slice of rye bread each morning for breakfast. I am not a fan of rye bread, but I'm willing to give it a shot. My understanding is that rye bread helps with weight loss, cholesterol, constipation and blood sugars. So, I'll be starting my new trend on Monday of next week. I'll let you know if I see any results. I will not post my weight, but I will let you know if I've lost any pounds and or ounces.
Monday, May 5, 2014
April 5, 2014
Confession: I had a small set back last night, a mini-binge. I don't know why. I was feeling good, not frustrated about anything or with anyone. It started with a can of pears in extra light syrup and then it went into a piece of chicken with a few okra and a couple spoons of mac-n-cheese. I topped it off with two lemon pudding cups. Now that I think about it, my trigger may have been having too many sweet options. I've been limiting my choices. Didn't think about it much other than noting how well I'd been doing. I don't feel bad about my mini-binge. It's definitely not the end of the world. I've since remove some of the foods of interest (give to a friend) so I can return to my new normal. I don't feel like another binge is waiting in the wings, but why tempt fate.
Life continues to be good. My production level is still high and I'm enjoying the accomplishments. I'll be going into the studio on Friday to finish recording my poem and I'm looking forward to Mother's day plans. It's something that we do every year. The day before Mother's day my dear friend (god sister) and her son (my godson) will pack their bags and join me and my son for an evening of great fun and delicious food.We will have cook our favorite foods, always including the boys favorites too. Everyone will have on their most comfortable clothing. If weather permits, we moms will perch ourselves on the front porch where we will nibble delicious fare and sip on homemade hard lemonade. More than likely, the kids will abandon us and adhere themselves to electronic devices. In the meantime, the soulful sound of oldies will be wafting through the air.
When evening comes we will gather in the den to watch a couple movies before retreating to our individual corners where we will surrender ourselves to peaceful slumber, having smiles on our faces and happy memories in our heads. The next day, all left overs are divided between us and my god sister and godson will return home. This has been our tradition for the past 4 years and something that we all look forward to.
It's getting late and I'm a little tired. I want to share an aha moment I had this morning, it will have to wait until tomorrow's post. Hope you all have a wonderful and peace filled night.
For breakfast I had my usual eggs with a little chicken on the side. Lunch was a sandwich I purchased while out and dinner is was left over chicken with okra and veggies. I will set aside a late night snack and hope not to binge.
Life continues to be good. My production level is still high and I'm enjoying the accomplishments. I'll be going into the studio on Friday to finish recording my poem and I'm looking forward to Mother's day plans. It's something that we do every year. The day before Mother's day my dear friend (god sister) and her son (my godson) will pack their bags and join me and my son for an evening of great fun and delicious food.We will have cook our favorite foods, always including the boys favorites too. Everyone will have on their most comfortable clothing. If weather permits, we moms will perch ourselves on the front porch where we will nibble delicious fare and sip on homemade hard lemonade. More than likely, the kids will abandon us and adhere themselves to electronic devices. In the meantime, the soulful sound of oldies will be wafting through the air.
When evening comes we will gather in the den to watch a couple movies before retreating to our individual corners where we will surrender ourselves to peaceful slumber, having smiles on our faces and happy memories in our heads. The next day, all left overs are divided between us and my god sister and godson will return home. This has been our tradition for the past 4 years and something that we all look forward to.
It's getting late and I'm a little tired. I want to share an aha moment I had this morning, it will have to wait until tomorrow's post. Hope you all have a wonderful and peace filled night.
For breakfast I had my usual eggs with a little chicken on the side. Lunch was a sandwich I purchased while out and dinner is was left over chicken with okra and veggies. I will set aside a late night snack and hope not to binge.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
April 4, 2014
I'm feeling a little unwanted and underappreciated right now. My understanding is this is a norm when you're raising a teenager. I don't mind so much, as I believe teens think parents are ancient and clueless.
I don't talk about my son much here because he is not the cause of my eating problem. My son is a source of joy and wonder. All thanks and praises be to God who saw me worthy to have and take care of this precious life. However, my precious one woke up a teenager one day and things began to change.
Today I went out to run a few short errands. While out I thought it would be nice to pick up some of my son's favorite chicken. Not to mention that I also got a few of his favorite treats from the grocery store. I got home, he helped with the groceries and then proceeded to isolate himself away from me. At first I talked myself out of taking it personal, but then I went in to my room which is right next to the den. My son recognized that I was going to be in my room for awhile. He turned off the tv and went into his room shutting, the door behind him. Okay, typical teen behavior...right?
I finished changing clothes and proceeded to go to my office to check my email before retreating to the kitchen. My office is across the hall from my son's room. Again, I must have invaded his space because he immediately retreated back to the den which is furthest from my office. By this time I started to take this behavior personally. Is this a big deal? No. But I wanted to get it off my chest because I have an issue with being unwanted and it felt a little like that today.
It didn't take me long to brush the feeling off. My son is not evil like my parents were. I know that he loves his mom and I also know that he cherishes his space. I'm glad that he is coming into his own. When raising a child on the spectrum, you don't always know what your going to get until the moment comes. In many ways, my son is not like the average teen, but in many ways he is and that's what makes him so unique. Ah, I get it now... Maybe that's why some people refer to being autistic as being a fruit salad...because you get something different in every bite. That makes sense.
Anyway, It's been a very good day. My son is still lovingly in the den. He did stop by to give me the sweetest kiss on the cheek. That's good enough for me. Take care my sweet one. Don't grow up too fast.
For breakfast I had eggs with cheese and a large glass of water. Lunch was a chicken sandwich. Dinner was pretty early, we ate at 5:30. I had two pieces of my son's favorite fried chicken, okra and mac-n-cheese with a med. strawberry soda. I've prepared a small fruit snack for later.
I don't talk about my son much here because he is not the cause of my eating problem. My son is a source of joy and wonder. All thanks and praises be to God who saw me worthy to have and take care of this precious life. However, my precious one woke up a teenager one day and things began to change.
Today I went out to run a few short errands. While out I thought it would be nice to pick up some of my son's favorite chicken. Not to mention that I also got a few of his favorite treats from the grocery store. I got home, he helped with the groceries and then proceeded to isolate himself away from me. At first I talked myself out of taking it personal, but then I went in to my room which is right next to the den. My son recognized that I was going to be in my room for awhile. He turned off the tv and went into his room shutting, the door behind him. Okay, typical teen behavior...right?
I finished changing clothes and proceeded to go to my office to check my email before retreating to the kitchen. My office is across the hall from my son's room. Again, I must have invaded his space because he immediately retreated back to the den which is furthest from my office. By this time I started to take this behavior personally. Is this a big deal? No. But I wanted to get it off my chest because I have an issue with being unwanted and it felt a little like that today.
It didn't take me long to brush the feeling off. My son is not evil like my parents were. I know that he loves his mom and I also know that he cherishes his space. I'm glad that he is coming into his own. When raising a child on the spectrum, you don't always know what your going to get until the moment comes. In many ways, my son is not like the average teen, but in many ways he is and that's what makes him so unique. Ah, I get it now... Maybe that's why some people refer to being autistic as being a fruit salad...because you get something different in every bite. That makes sense.
Anyway, It's been a very good day. My son is still lovingly in the den. He did stop by to give me the sweetest kiss on the cheek. That's good enough for me. Take care my sweet one. Don't grow up too fast.
For breakfast I had eggs with cheese and a large glass of water. Lunch was a chicken sandwich. Dinner was pretty early, we ate at 5:30. I had two pieces of my son's favorite fried chicken, okra and mac-n-cheese with a med. strawberry soda. I've prepared a small fruit snack for later.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
May 3, 2014
Happy Saturday!
It's a beautiful day. The weather is perfect and I am feeling good. There haven't been many days where I could say that I really felt good. I do today. May this feeling last forever...
As I mentioned to you on Thursday. I finished recording the voices for the poem, They Them Us Me. Yesterday morning my friend called very exited about the project. He's going to work on the tracks over the weekend and Then I will go into the studio next week to work with him on final touches. This is part of the reason I feel so good today. The other thing that's making me feel good is my continuing to eat better during the day. It has not been perfect. Sometimes I get started a little later than wanted, but not due to depression or lack of appetite. I've been busy doing things...accomplishing things...planning things. It's been good.
Yesterday I had a few down moments. I was thinking about my eczema and how it's ravaged most of my body and taken a good portion of my hair. I've been avoiding dealing with my hair because I did not want to be reminded of my loss. Today I washed my hair. I almost backed out of it. I wanted not to care. I wanted not to feel the pain. I wanted not to feel like a leper. As I towel dried my hair I said to myself, "I am committed to working on loving myself even when it's hard." I usually say the entire sentence when standing in front of the mirror. This time it was different. The words had more meaning. Even thought I only stated part of the sentence, it was what I needed to hear at the time.
I am committed to working on loving myself even when it's hard. As soon as I said the words I instantly felt better. I'm feeling reassured about loving myself and doing good things for myself no matter how hard it may be. That's what it's all about. Being able to love yourself enough to do good things for yourself even when you have difficulty doing them. I'm starting to feel love for myself. It can be an uphill battle sometimes. I don't make it easy, but I realize that I'm worth it. I am worth the extra effort.
Baby steps do turn into big steps.
My eczema is improving some. It will take time. I have faith that I will heal from this as well and be restored or perhaps be even better.
For breakfast today I had 2 eggs with left over veggies and a large glass of water. Lunch was pretty light, I had cheese and crackers with pears and a large glass of water. For dinner I am having a 6 inch chicken philly sub and small fry with a large glass of water.
It's a beautiful day. The weather is perfect and I am feeling good. There haven't been many days where I could say that I really felt good. I do today. May this feeling last forever...
As I mentioned to you on Thursday. I finished recording the voices for the poem, They Them Us Me. Yesterday morning my friend called very exited about the project. He's going to work on the tracks over the weekend and Then I will go into the studio next week to work with him on final touches. This is part of the reason I feel so good today. The other thing that's making me feel good is my continuing to eat better during the day. It has not been perfect. Sometimes I get started a little later than wanted, but not due to depression or lack of appetite. I've been busy doing things...accomplishing things...planning things. It's been good.
Yesterday I had a few down moments. I was thinking about my eczema and how it's ravaged most of my body and taken a good portion of my hair. I've been avoiding dealing with my hair because I did not want to be reminded of my loss. Today I washed my hair. I almost backed out of it. I wanted not to care. I wanted not to feel the pain. I wanted not to feel like a leper. As I towel dried my hair I said to myself, "I am committed to working on loving myself even when it's hard." I usually say the entire sentence when standing in front of the mirror. This time it was different. The words had more meaning. Even thought I only stated part of the sentence, it was what I needed to hear at the time.
I am committed to working on loving myself even when it's hard. As soon as I said the words I instantly felt better. I'm feeling reassured about loving myself and doing good things for myself no matter how hard it may be. That's what it's all about. Being able to love yourself enough to do good things for yourself even when you have difficulty doing them. I'm starting to feel love for myself. It can be an uphill battle sometimes. I don't make it easy, but I realize that I'm worth it. I am worth the extra effort.
Baby steps do turn into big steps.
My eczema is improving some. It will take time. I have faith that I will heal from this as well and be restored or perhaps be even better.
For breakfast today I had 2 eggs with left over veggies and a large glass of water. Lunch was pretty light, I had cheese and crackers with pears and a large glass of water. For dinner I am having a 6 inch chicken philly sub and small fry with a large glass of water.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
May 1, 2014
Hey everyone! I apologize for not being around for the past few days. I guess I've got so many irons in the fire that I have to dedicate time which overlaps sometimes. For the past 3 evenings I've been working on recording tracks for a poem that I wrote last year. I posted the poem here. The title is 'They Them Us Me'. I wrote this poem in the middle of the night shortly after having vivid memories of childhood trauma. Just for a brief moment I felt some of the emotions. It was so heavy on my spirit that I had to get up and write this poem.
A good friend suggested that I make it into a play or record it some sort of way. It wasn't long before I began looking into local studios. I hired two actors and we three set off to the studio. I'd say we spent about an hour and a half laying down the tracks. It would have worked out if the male actor was able to capture the main character, but he couldn't...no matte how hard I tried to convey the character to him. I didn't give up, just put things on hold for awhile.
A couple days ago I came across a great free software, Audacity, which opened my world and made it possible for me to do tracks right here at home. So...long story short...that is what I've been working on. I've just completed the tracks tonight and will be sending them to an individual to put on final touches. I can't tell you how stoked I am about this. It's like watching a dream come true in slow motion.
My eating has been good. I'm still managing to take in three meals a day. I have not reverted back to eating crackers as a meal replacement, but eating regular healthy meals. We've eating out one day this week and still no extra food purchases. I've not binged at all. Also, I do not seem to require a late night snack every night...only every now and again, which is cool.
I have to continue working on the letter to myself. I can focus on that better now that I've gotten a few other things out of the way. Still making progress with feelings and listening to the voice of the little girl within.
Today for breakfast I ate eggs with cheese and had a large glass of water. Lunch was leftover baked spaghetti from last night's dinner and tonight I had veggies and shrimp.
Exercise will come into play soon.
A good friend suggested that I make it into a play or record it some sort of way. It wasn't long before I began looking into local studios. I hired two actors and we three set off to the studio. I'd say we spent about an hour and a half laying down the tracks. It would have worked out if the male actor was able to capture the main character, but he couldn't...no matte how hard I tried to convey the character to him. I didn't give up, just put things on hold for awhile.
A couple days ago I came across a great free software, Audacity, which opened my world and made it possible for me to do tracks right here at home. So...long story short...that is what I've been working on. I've just completed the tracks tonight and will be sending them to an individual to put on final touches. I can't tell you how stoked I am about this. It's like watching a dream come true in slow motion.
My eating has been good. I'm still managing to take in three meals a day. I have not reverted back to eating crackers as a meal replacement, but eating regular healthy meals. We've eating out one day this week and still no extra food purchases. I've not binged at all. Also, I do not seem to require a late night snack every night...only every now and again, which is cool.
I have to continue working on the letter to myself. I can focus on that better now that I've gotten a few other things out of the way. Still making progress with feelings and listening to the voice of the little girl within.
Today for breakfast I ate eggs with cheese and had a large glass of water. Lunch was leftover baked spaghetti from last night's dinner and tonight I had veggies and shrimp.
Exercise will come into play soon.
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