Embrace The Journey

Embrace the journey, one precious step at a time.

We Did It! 2015 Reflection

We made it through another holiday season. How are you doing? I wait patiently for your answers. I know I can't hear you, but I sense some of you are quietly answering. I hope you are doing well. I especially hope ED was not the center of attention this holiday season. If ED was, than let's begin a new. Let's not focus on yesterday. Yesterday's gone. Let's not worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself. I will say this much for tomorrow, it is the first day of the rest of our lives. Have you ever thought of that? Yeah, tomorrow is the 1st day of the rest of our lives. Wow, we get a lot of fresh starts don't we.

I'm doing well. Happy to see 2016. Last year started off being pretty intense, but soon became a series of beautiful experiences. Over the past few years I've been going through many positive changes and learning more about myself as well as my past. The process of healing from my past...well, it's been eye opening and life changing. It's really better than that, but I don't have the words to express just how wonderful challenging it has been. I guess I'm too caught up in being grateful. I'll take that for now. Maybe the words will come later...than again, maybe not. Maybe I've said just enough.

Out of the past three years being on this journey, 2015 was definitely the year of putting away the old self and bringing in the new. It's been a matter of shedding the old state of mind  and being introduced to the new state of mind. The old state of mind made it difficult to want better for myself, love myself and commit to doing healthy things for myself. The most difficult was shedding unhealthy relationships. What can I say, it's hard to want good when all you know is bad. I didn't know what good felt like or looked like, not really. Growing up, my only examples were, "Leave It to Beaver", "The Andy Griffith Show" and "The Cosby Show." Isn't that something. How can we want better when we don't know what better feels like?

There were many firsts last year. One being my commitment to self and to loving myself. I'm able to enjoy getting to know myself intimately. Intimate meaning to know myself below the surface, seeing past flesh and bone; past the carefully orchestrated, finely tuned niceties of a well crafted persona. I've been able to take a long look at self. The good, the bad, the bitter the sad and happiness. I remember what happiness felt like before it all changed. And I'm glad I recognize true happiness' return.

The holiday season has come to it's end. Thank goodness. It's been a good season. I've had a few bumps, but I'm still here and I'm still making strides. Life is not going to be perfect, but it can be a heck of a lot better. That's what I'm looking forward to...better.

I can't begin to imagine what this year holds. I am curious and hopeful and I'm also smart enough to know that I don't need to worry about it. I'm going to take it one day at a time. That's as much as I can handle.

I hope today is going well for you and I hope tomorrow is even better.

Well, I guess that's enough rambling for now. Goodnight, blessings and happy new beginnings.

The Gift of Giving

Hey,

I wasn't sure if I'd get a chance to take a break and write a little something. It's 3:12am. I've just finished cleaning the kitchen and ready to settle down for the night.

Today has been a very good day. I spent most of the day reflecting, which is something that I do a lot this time of year. For me, the holiday season is not about all the fanfare. It's a time to regroup and reflect on the things accomplished this year and the things I want to accomplish next year. I don't mean New Year's resolutions. I don't do those. I'm just holding on to hope and planning to stay on track making progress in my spiritual walk and healthy life changes.

How are you? I know I ask often. Maybe one day you will answer me. I hope you are doing well and I hope have many wonderful, enjoyable experiences to focus on. We are having a few guests over and an outing. Today we had a lovely visit with a couple friends. Whenever we get together there's always a lot of laughter.

I cooked a little something for them to take home. Which they greatly appreciated. It's been a long time since they've had my cooking. You know...it's sweet little experiences like the ones we had today that set the tone for the season. I don't buy gifts or hang decorations. There's no tree twinkling or carolers singing. There's no endless list of things to do and most of all there's no stress. However, we spent a great portion of our day sharing a surplus of items with those in need. In turn they blessed my son with a new used office chair. It came right on time. His old chair was falling apart.

What's your favorite kind of gift? I like the kind of gift that keeps on giving. It doesn't require money. You don't have to hunt around for the perfect box to put it in. You don't need any giftwrap and it doesn't cost any money. And it's a gift that is suitable for all ages. What is it? Love. We give the gift of love and anything else that may accompany it is given out of love. That's it. That's what it's all about. The gift of giving is the giving of love. While we are in the gift giving mood, don't forget to give a little love to yourself.

I've finished cooking most of my dinner for tomorrow. We are continuing on the healthy track. We will be serving turkey, greens, turkey ham, potato salad, green beans w/tomatoes (spicy), acorn squash, stuffing, quinoa and cheese bake and maybe a small rhubarb and apple crumble. The jury is still out on desert. I cooked more this go round than last holiday because we are expecting more guests than originally planned. Like last holiday I put together a menu that has no triggers for me. Even though there is a strong possibility I may make a desert, if I do, it will indeed be very small. Just enough to get a taste or the equivalent of 3 small servings.

I'm tired, but I feel exhilarated. It's that bewitching time and I don't feel an urge to feed. My snack is in place and I am ready to go work out a little before falling into my bed.

I'll be thinking of you all and as always wishing you well. Stay focused on the positives and be sure to do something very nice for yourself. Happy Holidays to you! Good night.

Post Thanksgiving: How Are You Doing?

Hey everyone. I wanted to touch base with you as we are in the full swing of the holiday season. How are you doing? Do you experience any particular difficulties this time of year? I for one tend to have some measure of depression linked to past holiday practices and urges to night binge. What helps me the most is realizing that I don't have to give into unfortunate or uncomfortable holiday traditions anymore.

There may be some of you who look forward to this time of year as a chance to step away from the mundane and delve into the wonderment of holiday folly and fare. I find a since of joy knowing that there are some who genuinely enjoy this time of year. Then there are those who hide their pain behind the perfectly basted turkey with all the trimmings, possession of super human stamina for the world's biggest shopping day and a meticulously mapped out plan on entombing their homes in miles and miles of twinkling lights. Nothing kills the holiday spirit like a sea of plastic smiles, empty compliments, idol chit chat and muffled sighs.

Are you one who is prone to continuing with traditions that may possibly trigger you just for the sake of looking normal? I used to. I would always give the excuse that I was on a diet so I could get away with eating very little during dinner. Later I'd be given all sorts of neatly packaged goodies in foil covered plates. Little did they know at least 90% of the food would be consumed later that night.

Binging during the holidays was the norm...the biggest binge session of the year. I'd be drunk with anticipation (chuckle), lost in planning the order in which I would eat my newly acquired morsels. End of the year holidays are the one time of year that you can have enormous amounts of food without question.  

Since beginning my quest for wellness I've stopped indulging in massive holiday binges. No more cooking and hording massive amounts of food. I keep things much more simple now. If there are plans to have company I make sure to cook an appropriate amount of food allowing enough to send home with friends and have some left for meals the next day. If we decide not to have company I'll prepare a few of our favorites, enough for two days. I don't bake a lot of deserts. Usually we have a friend make something like a pie or cobbler and I supply the ice cream. For me, deserts are hard to resist, so it's most beneficial to have access to as few sweets as possible.

I don't really care what people think of my changes. It's a matter of knowing my triggers and self preservation.

This year we were planning to have company even thought I didn't feel up to it. The day before Thanksgiving I made a call and opted out of the gathering. I was pleased to know that my intended guests were also not in the mood for holiday cheer. Relief. I prepared a couple Cornish hens, sweet potatoes, greens, and a little mac-n-cheese. That's it! Oh, and fruit for dessert if desired. It was a wonderful meal. Yes I had a late night snack, but did not binge. The next I took the remaining Cornish hen and made gravy and served the left over sides. My good friend also sent over some of the turkey she baked along with a small amount of baked mac-n-cheese.  The leftovers were wonderful. I reframed from preparing more food because I was able to see what we had as enough.

Today there is a small amount of gravy and a few morsels of Cornish hen left. I'm thinking about making a little brown rice and a small pot of green beans and that will be dinner. I feel good about not binging, especially since I've had several binges recently. I'm proud of myself.

Holidays and get-togethers are hard when combating eating disorders. Just take it one step at the time...I day at the time. It's okay if you need to hang out in smaller groups or with just one friend to avoid larger crowds and facing enormous amounts of food. Try not to stay to yourself during these hard times. Now is when support really comes in handy. It will benefit you greatly to spend time with someone who understands what you are going through. You'll need to be able to talk out your feelings with someone, cry, scream, whatever it takes to get the emotion out so you don't take it out on your body.

Huge hugs to all my sisters and brothers who are recovered, recovering or struggling with ED. My heart goes out to you as I keep you in my prayers.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I have hope that you know that you are not alone and that we can be here for each other. Take care, my friends. I'll check in again soon.

The Pain and Pleasure of ED

WARNING: This post may be triggering


I've heard many things about pain associated with ED. Especially in cases where weight loss is severe. We've talked about this in a previous post. I wonder why I've not heard someone speak of the pain one can feel after or even while eating. I also want to talk about the pleasure involved in self inflicted deprivation.


On the course of this journey I've looked into several reasons as to why I've had so much difficulty eating an appropriate amount of food during the day. Some very interesting questions have come out of this search. I've posed these questions to myself and answers have been put in place. New healthier habits are beginning to form, but that does not guarantee there won't be times of weakness. For me the hard times don't always feel like a weakness. Sometimes it's more like a desire to reconnect to an old friend or a good feeling.


I admitted in a previous post that I struggled with consuming daytime calories because I gave into the mindset of not being able to eat as opposed to the fact that I didn't want to eat. That feeling still exists much of the time. I'm still able to combat the desire to starve most of the time with scheduled meals. Though the feeling still persists, I have to remember that it took more than a few days to develop this unhealthy desire and it's going to take more than a few days to overcome it.


As I continue my struggle I find more truths revealing themselves. It's interesting how much comes to you when you open yourself to the healing process. So here's another truth. I like how it feels when I starve myself. There's a feeling of lightness, a quiet calm comes over me as I watch the hours tick away without eating a morsel. I even feel like I can breath better, focus better, move better. There have been times I've had afternoon plans and purposely denied myself food so I don't feel weighed down while out. And yes, these things have happened recently.


I'm learning that the healing process does not mean overcoming an issue will dissolve it forever. It takes a concerted effort and the ever present commitment factor to succeed for the long hall. Just as with any type of addiction I have to take it one day at a time. If I fall, then I need to get up, brush myself off and begin the process again. There is no quick fix...no magic potion. I'm glad there isn't a quick fix. If there were, I'd never fully appreciate recovering. I'd never face the truth of how my recovery feels or how it feels to be sick. Both possess pain and pleasure...fear and reckoning.


The reality of the severity of my situation strikes again. Starving myself isn't working for me like it used to. I seldom have that light feeling anymore. What I have is fatigue and shortness of breath. Physical pain settles in as food lands in my stomach; bloating occurs, discomfort increases. I don't want to move, but it hurts to much to sit. I try walking, but the pain only gets worse. So I lay praying for the pain to go away. I don't want to feel this pain. There are days when I still want to starve. I am thankful on those days that I remember the pain of taking the first bite of food after denying myself food all day. I'm also aware of a newly felt urge to purge. I force myself to eat early enough so I don't the feel pain again.


When I eat, my jowl aches and burns as I chew. There are times I have to rest my mouth before I can resume chewing again. I'm usually not focused enough to enjoy food and If I do focus on enjoying my food I may want to eat too much. Can't afford to eat too much...can't afford to eat too little. I'm stuck between a rock and a very hard place.


As I write I'm beginning to feel hungry. It's been awhile since my last meal. This post is a grim reminder that I need to eat to avoid that dreaded pain. I'll grab a pack of crackers. That should do the trick. 


I wonder what makes hurting myself feel so good, empowering...sometimes exhilarating. I can see the link to the cause of the desire to hurt myself, but I don't understand the euphoria I feel while doing so. Where does that come from? I don't recall feeling pleasure from the pain that was issued to me by my parents. How does this psychological development take place?


I'll continue to ponder this thought while I eat cheese crackers.

Dealing with triggers: The Ugly Button - 5/15/14

I joined an online support group yesterday. I wasn't sure how I'd like it, but the experience has been good so far. The group is pretty large, but it feels small and intimate. I like that.


There were some wonderful responses to the short introduction I posted. Questions were being asked about NES and others even chimed in and said thank you for joining because they too suffer from NES and it's almost never heard of. Can I tell you...it was wonderful to speak with people who knew just where I was coming from. People who could describe feeling and behaviors that I was all too familiar with. Wonderful connections were being made. However, everything has two sides. For every good there is bad. The bad thing is nothing that's being done intentionally. What is it? Triggers. Triggers that occur when reading emotionally intense posts. It can't be helped. EDs, addictions, abuse, disabilities, life itself...all these things come with pluses and minuses. When we are invited to speak about our issues there's always the risk of triggering others. I don't see any way around it except to never speak. What good would that do? Silence is worse than the actual triggers themselves.


The people in the group are very nice and yes, some of the subject matter is very intense. I'm already feeling kind of weirded out by the fact that so many beautiful people aren't able to see their own beauty. I want to scream and take the whole feeling ugly thing, wrap it up and tuck it into a place where no one can find it. It's a reminder of how ugly I see myself. If I were to describe myself in one word it would be...leprous. I can except my own feelings of inadequacy, but I am not coping well will with others feeling this way. They are all so beautiful. I know...the way I'm thinking is not fair to myself or them. They have their reasons for feeling the way they do just as I do. Perhaps it's too painful to see the pain of others when I'm having trouble seeing my own.


The more posts I read the angrier I feel. Not at the people for feeling the way they feel, but angry about living in a society where we are conditioned to feel ugly if we don't fit societal molds.


HOW DARE society think they are doing us a justice by making a "conscious" effort to depict and appreciate what is already beautiful! HOW DARE it be an effort at all to show women with voluptuous curves or people with rich skin tones! What happened to us that so many of us hate what we see in the mirror? Why is there so much shame in having a pimple, frizzy hair, being chubby, thin or whatever other superficial what not we can come up with? How are we to feel good when everything tell us to feeling bad?


Confession: I used to be obsessed with wanting to fix other peoples problems.


Other peoples problems were a welcomed distraction. My issues were ever present, ominous, venomous and I needed an escape. I would retreat into myself, draw or read books, but my favorite past time was dissecting the problems of others and obsessing over finding solutions. I was the self proclaimed Trojan of resolution. Bring all your problems to me and I will help you solve them. I was about as useful as a snake oil salesman. Though I must admit, there were some benefits to taking a situation, breaking it down and presenting it in a way that may not have been previously explored. It sometimes opened the doorway for individuals to take another look at their situations and search for answers within themselves. That would be the most reasonable intent for my process, but instead, I took it up a few notches and bought into my need to be needed.


Thanks to being self aware, I put a lot of effort to undoing the need to be needed along with undoing the need for people to serve specific roles in my life. It feels so much better to simply enjoy people for the sake of enjoying them and not having them lined up like a list of to dos. Now that I am freed from trying to solve the world's problem I can redirect my energy into the healing process. I will have to periodically remind myself that I can empathize without giving into the impulse to fix or solve things. I will also work on allowing myself to feel pain and then release it.


I'm still eating rye bread for breakfast every morning. Today I had two slices of rye bread with a little peanut butter. Lunch was an egg and cheese frittata and dinner will be left over chili from last night's impromptu dinner.