WARNING: This post may be triggering
I've heard many things about pain associated with ED. Especially in cases where weight loss is severe. We've talked about this in a previous post. I wonder why I've not heard someone speak of the pain one can feel after or even while eating. I also want to talk about the pleasure involved in self inflicted deprivation.
On the course of this journey I've looked into several reasons as to why I've had so much difficulty eating an appropriate amount of food during the day. Some very interesting questions have come out of this search. I've posed these questions to myself and answers have been put in place. New healthier habits are beginning to form, but that does not guarantee there won't be times of weakness. For me the hard times don't always feel like a weakness. Sometimes it's more like a desire to reconnect to an old friend or a good feeling.
I admitted in a previous post that I struggled with consuming daytime calories because I gave into the mindset of not being able to eat as opposed to the fact that I didn't want to eat. That feeling still exists much of the time. I'm still able to combat the desire to starve most of the time with scheduled meals. Though the feeling still persists, I have to remember that it took more than a few days to develop this unhealthy desire and it's going to take more than a few days to overcome it.
As I continue my struggle I find more truths revealing themselves. It's interesting how much comes to you when you open yourself to the healing process. So here's another truth. I like how it feels when I starve myself. There's a feeling of lightness, a quiet calm comes over me as I watch the hours tick away without eating a morsel. I even feel like I can breath better, focus better, move better. There have been times I've had afternoon plans and purposely denied myself food so I don't feel weighed down while out. And yes, these things have happened recently.
I'm learning that the healing process does not mean overcoming an issue will dissolve it forever. It takes a concerted effort and the ever present commitment factor to succeed for the long hall. Just as with any type of addiction I have to take it one day at a time. If I fall, then I need to get up, brush myself off and begin the process again. There is no quick fix...no magic potion. I'm glad there isn't a quick fix. If there were, I'd never fully appreciate recovering. I'd never face the truth of how my recovery feels or how it feels to be sick. Both possess pain and pleasure...fear and reckoning.
The reality of the severity of my situation strikes again. Starving myself isn't working for me like it used to. I seldom have that light feeling anymore. What I have is fatigue and shortness of breath. Physical pain settles in as food lands in my stomach; bloating occurs, discomfort increases. I don't want to move, but it hurts to much to sit. I try walking, but the pain only gets worse. So I lay praying for the pain to go away. I don't want to feel this pain. There are days when I still want to starve. I am thankful on those days that I remember the pain of taking the first bite of food after denying myself food all day. I'm also aware of a newly felt urge to purge. I force myself to eat early enough so I don't the feel pain again.
When I eat, my jowl aches and burns as I chew. There are times I have to rest my mouth before I can resume chewing again. I'm usually not focused enough to enjoy food and If I do focus on enjoying my food I may want to eat too much. Can't afford to eat too much...can't afford to eat too little. I'm stuck between a rock and a very hard place.
As I write I'm beginning to feel hungry. It's been awhile since my last meal. This post is a grim reminder that I need to eat to avoid that dreaded pain. I'll grab a pack of crackers. That should do the trick.
I wonder what makes hurting myself feel so good, empowering...sometimes exhilarating. I can see the link to the cause of the desire to hurt myself, but I don't understand the euphoria I feel while doing so. Where does that come from? I don't recall feeling pleasure from the pain that was issued to me by my parents. How does this psychological development take place?
I'll continue to ponder this thought while I eat cheese crackers.
I know the feeling of enjoying pain that I inflicted on myself in the form of starvation. I was a very prideful person about my ability to starve and lose or maintain weight. Those days are gone, they went away in my mid 30s...my body no longer functioned as it had in my youth. I looked down on the bulimics, I thought it was ok to starve, because I saw it as a money saving technique compared to bulimia, where people ate huge quantities of food, and made themselves throw I up. I justified my starvation to myself as being self sacrificing for my children, they would have the very food I denied myself...lies of course, it was an illness, and I needed help..but I got so much attention for losing weight, the ladies were jealous and wanted the secret...it was simple, just don't eat. I got the positive affirmation I desired from the diet..the thought of future affirmation kept my illness in full swing. I starved in the present, I lived in my mind in some distant future of slimness and contentment where everything was great, and I was loved, and in my mind, that was the person I wanted to be...not the thing that I was...I never enjoyed my youth or beauty when I had it, I didn't recognize it at the time...it was always in the future, and it never dawned on me that every day a door of my life was being closed one day at a time, one day at a time I shut my life off by living in the future. Oddly, the future is here, and I am not slim at all!...Alyce.
ReplyDeleteFor me it's not about being slim, at least not at this stage of life. I'm past my days for wanting a girlish figure. I want to be healthy and yes, I want to look good. It would be nice to put my shirt inside my jeans and wear a really cute belt or wear a fitted shirt and not look pregnant. I don't know if I'll ever achieve that goal, but I do want to be healthy. Right now I don't feel healthy. I should not be experiencing pain after eating or pain if not eating or whatever... I should be able to enjoy eating light wholesome meals and enjoy all of the tastes, textures and nuances of a world I have not been able to enjoy. I'd like to know history and taste it too. I would like to do many things. The thing to remember is that we are still here and kicking. That each day we are gifted is the first day of the rest of our lives. I try to tell myself that everyday. It's beginning to stick a little.
ReplyDeleteI'm doing much better with loving myself...accepting myself just where I am. I feel better about being me because I am better equipped to see inside my own heart with my own eyes and express my thoughts with my own emotions, not the borrowed emotions that were at my disposal for so many years.
We may not get exactly what we want when we want it, but we will be better than we've ever been.
Yes, so many things to consider...Love Alyce.
ReplyDelete