I’ve been spending more time talking to people about eating
disorders. It’s been a freeing experience to talk about my NES and listening to
others share stories about their eating issues. I was intrigued to find that there
are different feelings associated with binging. Reading about the studies of
different eating disorders is not the same as speaking to actual people and
hashing out the small details. What’s most interesting is hearing how the binging
experience makes them feel. I’m most interested in what emotions they have
leading up to the binge, during the binge, after the binge. I’m also curious if
the binge is planned or if it’s spontaneous.
Listening to others helps me to think about my relationship
with food. I discovered that I have several levels of experiences with binging
and food intake in general. From what I can tell, the way I binge depends on
the level of stress and perhaps the origin of the stressors and triggers as
well. There is a good portion that appears to be a more of a habit. Much like
the formation of habitual and/or ritualistic behaviors associated with the
development of addiction. It started off as a relatively benign act (or so it
seemed) and then it grew into somewhat of a separate entity. The behaviors took
on a life of their own and my mind simply adapted. I would even go so far as to
say it’s like having an alter ego, being one way by day and another by night.
Eating at night was a way to release tension and to relax. I
also loved the challenge of acquiring food for my night time feeds. I guess you
could call it was the thrill of the hunt if you consider chiseling off pieces
of frozen cake in the middle of the night hunting. I would feel triumphant as if having conquered the giant and reaping the spoils. A sense of calm would come over me. Not quite euphoric, but close enough.
I have always associated feelings of euphoria with mouthing.
It started with me sucking my toes to comfort myself and quickly escalated into
increased mouthing and sometimes consumption of inedible objects. So I guess it’s
no surprise to you that I’m diagnosed with PICA as well. As a young child, my
biggest craving was bath soap. Ivory soap was the soap of choice. I loved the
creamy saltiness of it. I didn’t much like taking baths growing up. Don’t ask
me why, I’m really not sure. It just seemed that I could be doing so much more
with my time. Eating soap made bathing more enjoyable. I looked forward to it.
My mom would run the bath water for me. I’d get in and let the bar of soap
float in the water for a few minutes. The soap would soften and then I would
begin to eat. Always starting at the corners and slowly working my way towards
the center. I never ate the entire bar in one night. It usually took me at least
3 to 4 nights depending. I don’t eat soap anymore and have not for many years;
however, I do still have the occasional craving.
Food consumption or the shift of the meaning of food
consumption started around the age of 4 or 5 years old. Changes in body mass
were more prevalent. It seems that I was developing a pattern of gaining at
least 10 to 13 pounds a year. By the time I was 10 I weighed just over 100
pounds. This is the pivotal point that marks the beginning of food deprivation
and how that deprivation further locked me into a vicious cycle of cutting meal
size by day and having an increased need for comfort by night. As the need for night time comfort increased I became bolder
about acquiring the foods I needed. I would almost stop at nothing. Like a drug
addict I’d steal money to make food purchases after school. Once home I’d find
obscure places to stash my food, always careful to keep the evidence of my
eating undetected. That’s why my unnatural weight gain was such a mystery to my
parents.
By middle school my life was split was well defined into two levels of existence.
During the day I deprived myself of food and at night I would gorge myself on all kinds of sweet and salty treats. I started with cutting out breakfast.
Instead I would drink a glass of juice or milk. This made my parents proud which was no
easy task. My parents were seldom proud of me. So my thought process was to increase
my level of deprivation so they would be even more
proud and perhaps love me some day. My mom would pack a normal sized lunch for
me to take to school, but would only eat a small portion of it, hoarding the
rest for later. I opted to take the city bus home after school because I needed
time to go to a nearby store to purchase snacks and other food items. I’d become obsessed with my new trend. I felt it was
really working for me.
My parents, glad to see me making such sacrifice towards
dieting would reward me with candy and treats from our store. Funny how history
repeats itself isn’t it? I would gladly take my reward and add it to my hoard.
Of course, my weight gain was still a mystery. There were countless
trips to various doctors and endless dieting and still no positive long term
results. No matter how many pounds I was able to lose I would gain it all back…plus.
At the age of 18 my mom decided to buy into a very popular
diet. She paid $600.00 for the program plus purchased their prepackaged foods
weekly. The food wasn’t bad, but I was forced to document what I ate. I hated eating according to the meal plan. This was a detriment to me, because it was taking me to a very uncomfortable place...eating more during the day. My focus remained on activities of the day including limiting food intake;
however the food that I continued to eat at night was no longer acknowledged. It
was as if the night feeds didn't really exist even though the behaviors were
still very prominent.
I tried to make myself look forward to eating the
prepackaged meals. I was sure to document what I ate and when...forced to bear
witness to every morsel I place in my mouth. This was excruciating at best. I
hated having to pay so much attention to eating, especially during the day. I
hated how it made me feel. I wanted it to stop. I gave though to purging, but
talked myself out of it. As my distain grew my ability to eat the foods dissipated.
I began starving myself again eating the smallest measure of food possible. It was starting to pay off. I lost weight and was
getting a lot of attention from men. I liked that. At this point I was barely
consuming any calories before 6pm. I would chew gum and smoke cigarettes to appease
my need to mouth. It wasn’t long before reaching the point where I was unable
to keep any food or drink down during the day. I wasn’t purging voluntarily,
but I do wonder if I was experiencing some sort of psychosomatic development. I
actually thought I was having a reaction to the prepackaged foods. In hindsight
I now recognized that I was in full daytime Anorexia mode. The thought of
consuming anything in the light of day had become unthinkable.
I managed my night time feeds by eating large quantities of
lettuce. Sometimes I would consume an entire head and a half in one sitting. I’d
fulfill my need for night time comfort while giving way to appease a new fear
of consuming calories. This is how I was able to lose weight for a while, but even
that soon ended.
I eventually stopped losing weight. It didn’t matter how
little I ate. I guess I hit a plateau. That is a common occurrence when
dieting, but seemingly unrecognizable as such to me. It just drove me to pursue
more deprivation. In an attempt to detox for rapid weight loss, I went on a
fast only consuming small amounts of apple and water when I felt weak. I did
this fast for 13 days, stopping only because my eyes were turning yellow. I
stood on the scale…not one ounce lost. I had given up and slowly began to
resume old eating habits, still depriving myself during the day while hoarding
and planning my binge for the night.
The battled between daytime Anorexia and night Binging continued for many
more years.
