The Struggle Is REAL

I’m so glad to finally have time to get back to my blogs. It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything here. I want you to know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers even when I don’t get the chance to check in.

My son and I are doing well. A few posts ago I mentioned my son having some difficulties with maintaining his weight. We’re still not sure why he had the sudden drop. Initially, we thought he was not getting enough calories with diet changes. He’s still on a Paleo/Gluten Free diet plan and it’s working out well so far. I won’t get into his actual weight. One of my promises when starting this blog was that I would try my best not to post numbers. Numbers are a definite trigger for me and almost never lead up to healthful choices. If you don’t know what I mean I will be happy to explain. The road to recovery from an eating disorder is hard enough without bearing the weight of numbers such as portion size, how many calories, carbs, pounds, reps, etc. I tend to become hyper-focused on numbers when having to deal with them frequently so I try to stay away as much as possible. I only weigh when going to the doctor because weighing at home creates a higher potential for obsessive behaviors such as obsessing over weight gain or loss every day. Starving and binging would soon follow and that is the last thing I need.

Getting back to my son. He did lose several pounds but gained them back over the holidays. Tweaking his diet, adding supplemental drinks occasionally and encouraging him to eat small meals frequently helped tremendously. My son is learning what foods make him feel good and what foods disrupt his digestion. He’s also gaging himself on how much he eats and he’s taking more time to chew his food. I tell you what, I could not be prouder. I know the doctors didn’t have much hope getting my son to make healthier choices. No matter if a person is autistic or not, having the patience and taking the time to work on things that need to be worked on will bring forth improvement. Believe me, a little improvement is better than no improvement. In my son’s case, his improvement has been tremendous. I also think his maturity level has increased nicely over the past year.

As for me, I’ve managed to get past a major threshold. I've gotten down to the weight I was when I first found out I was pregnant with my son 19 years ago. It’s been quite an adjustment. When I say the struggle is REAL, it really is. I’ve been struggling with urges to binge since just before the holidays after meeting one of my goals. I was plagued with fear (stemming from childhood trauma) and I needed to get it in check. So while working on my latest issues with body appearance and attracting attention to myself I’m battling sever urges. I do well sometimes and other times I don’t. That being said, I am in no way going back to where I came from. I don’t ever want to see those pounds again. Instead of trying to force the issue and fight this thing until I give out, I am applying appropriate attention to my eating and exercising while working on maintaining where I am until I manage to get past this hurdle. It's working for me, but still a struggle…one that I have no intention of losing.

For now, I am still maintaining my progress within a couple pounds of my last major weight check. Binging and cravings are starting to subside. I’m still eating meals well and taking on the challenges one day and one craving at a time. Today has been a good day. Onward and Upward!

March 23, 2014

Sorry it's taken me a few days to publish another post. Sometimes I just need to take a little time to allow everything to process and prepare for another purge. Sometimes I get started on a post and other things get in the way. Though I may miss a day or two here and there, I am always aware of my head space and what I want to share in this blog.


I've been told how therapeutic blogging can be. Of course, you never really realize it until you actually commit to it. For now, I am committed and it's serving me well.


Since I'm coming up on my first full month of writing, I'm going to take this moment to see exactly what I need to do to get to the next step. In a recent breakthrough, I realized that I do not have love for myself nor do I know how to gain love for myself. I realize that the love of others only trickles in from time to time, but the feeling of it almost never lasts. I can feel the love of my son, but have difficulty understanding how he is able to love me. And even though I am appreciative of his love, I do not feel deserving of it. There it is...I have a major issue with love, receiving love, family love, romantic love, love of friends and others. I have problems with love in all areas and this stems from my inability to see myself worthy of receiving love, especially from myself.


In a previous post, March 20th I believe, I asked that you, the readers of this blog, suggest what I post about on our 1st month anniversary. A very good friend responded. She asked that I write a post about things that I like about myself. I thought is was ingenious. And then I began to worry. What do I like myself? I didn't feel that I had much to say about that. Needless to say, I'm struggling with this. I did have a bit of a breakthrough on the subject today. I won't reveal what it is until the 25th, but I can say that I've found a way to tackle this request. I hope as I'm working on my anniversary post something else breaks through. Perhaps I can hold on to some aspects of my self observations and later expound further on them. I'll have to wait and see.


Many Thanks to my good friend who made the suggestion to write what I like about myself. You inspire me on many levels to dig deeper than I though I could.


Today's food intake, pretty good. This morning at 9:07am I had a small pepperoni cheese roll and water. At 2:37 I made two sandwiches. Toasted wheat bread with 2 thin slices of turkey ham, lettuce, tomato and a little miracle whip. I drank an orange soda that I purchased yesterday. For dinner we will have a simple chicken dish, brown rice and vegetables. I will probably reserve a small portion of the leftovers for my late night snack.

Also, I want to be completely honest and tell you that I purchased a couple cinnamon buns yesterday, one large and one small, no extra frosting or nuts. I ate the small one after dinner with every intention to eat the larger one later that night. I'm amazed that I did not eat the second cinnamon bun. As a matter of fact, I still have it now and chances are I may not eat it tonight. If I go three days without eating it I will probably discard it. No...I'm not abdicating wasting money or food. I'm just saying...If the desire isn't there, don't push it. I'll try not to give into the urge to purchase items like that again. I've done this a few times with different sweet and savory items, most of which I no longer buy. I find more frequently that I purchase certain food items with every intention to eat them and then never do. I choose to see this as a good thing. The compulsion to eat foods just because they're readily available is dissipating.


You may wonder why I'm keeping the cinnamon bun, knowing that I could potentially eat it. Well, I kind of like the feeling of wanting the cinnamon bun, but not really wanting to eat it. It's a reminder of how far I've come. So please, allow me this small indulgence. :-)


I'm thankful for disbanding another compulsion. Now if I can just stop purchasing the items. Maybe the next time I have a craving for such items, I could take the money, put it in a jar and save it for a weekend trip to the beach. Hmmm. Sounds like a plan.

March 2, 2014

I'd like to begin by thanking the Lord Jesus Christ for giving me this day. This is truly a day that the Lord has made. In this day I will suffer memories of my past and some form of the emotions that will accompany these memories. I will work to keep my promises to myself. Eating healthy and in healthy increments is a constant struggle. I know the Lord will help me. I just need to make the effort. Today is going to be a good. I does not matter how much I hurt today, because I will come out on the other side having gained something.


Success! It is 11:50am and I am eating breakfast while I write this post. Today I am having scrambled egg with a little bit of carrots, broccoli and cheese mixed in. There will be no coffee or toast today. The earlier I eat the less I can consume. Baby steps.


I probably shouldn't be multi-tasking right now. I know...I need a bit of a distraction sometimes to help get my mind off the fact that I am eating. Which is probably the exact opposite of what I should be doing. For now, it's working, so I forge forward. Even though I'm keeping my word and making every effort to start eating on or before noon, I still don't have any desire to eat. I've had a little water with my medicines this morning and I will make a point to drink water throughout the day. I try to get a glass of water almost every time I go to the kitchen. I do feel the sensation of thirst periodically, which in an improvement. I've yet to feel physical hunger sensations. So eating is more of a forced action than a reaction to a need. At least I'm eating before the bewitching hour of 4pm.


I don't think lunch will happen today. It hasn't for some time. My usual eating routine, when in binge mode, starts with eating around 4pm, cooking dinner between 6-8pm, eating again between 8-9pm and then my snack around 1-2am. This routine is what has developed so far out of 4 years of working on this disorder. When not in binge mode and feeling stronger, I am able to begin eating around 10am, having a desire to do so which is what sets these two modes apart. Lunch is around 12:30-1pm. I'll have a small snack like peanut butter and crackers around 3-3:30pm and start dinner around 4-4:30pm. Dinner would be served about 6-6:30. A late night snack is usually prepared, but seldom eaten during better times.


Remember how wonderful I felt yesterday? Well, today I woke up with my internal voices nagging at me. You know, those voice that play over and over in your head like a broken record. Voice from the past telling you that you're not good enough...you're not smart enough. That's what I'm dealing with today. It's as if I'm not allowed to be happy. My mind fills with negative thoughts reminiscent of the abusive treatment received from my parents. Whenever I was happy they would do something, say something or allow something to take away my happiness. There were only brief moments of happiness on the occasion they got everything they wanted out of me, which was rare. Whatever they got from me was usually never enough.
I was eight or nine, when my mother came into my room and began beating me while I was slept. She whaled on me for a long time, until she was out of breath. Once she was able to compose herself, she told me to get up and go to the kitchen. When I got to the kitchen, she picked up a fork and waved it in my face, yelling and screaming at me for putting the fork in the drying rack with a speck of food on it. The beating began again and then she ordered me to re-wash all of the dishes. Memories like that and much worse haunt me daily. It's no wonder I turned to food for comfort. Comfort was scarce and food never hurt me.
Enough with the memories for now. I've finished my breakfast and I'm feeling good about eating a meal before 1pm. Dinner will be collard greens, candied yams and turkey ham.

February 28, 2014 Cont'd

Hey, I'm just checking in. Ran a few late errands and ordered dinner when I got home. We're having chicken philly sandwiches. I ordered a 6 inch with fries for my son and a 12 inch with small onion rings for me. I'm not going to eat the entire sandwich in one sitting. I've already made late night plans for the other half. Don't be afraid. I am not going to binge out, but I will eat the other half of that sandwich.


I hope one day to be able to order a 6 inch sandwich and be satisfied or save the other 6 inches for the next day. I don't know if that day will ever come. As for tonight, I will celebrate not having a big binge. One day I will be able to celebrate not eating anything at night. I'm a long ways away from that goal, but making strides. Just add it to the long list of things to work on.


It's 10:32pm. Right now I am full from my late dinner. Not sure what time I will finish the other half of my sandwich. It could be as late as 1am.


Tomorrow is another day. I'll be one step closer to my goal of eating breakfast at or around 10am. The other part of the plan is to cut back on my late night snack as soon as I get a handle on a healthier daytime eating schedule.


One day at a time...one step at a time. Onward and Upward!!


Good night! Sleep well. Be healthy.

February 28, 2014

It's 3:24pm. I finished eating about 10 minutes ago. I continue to make progress, even if it's baby steps. Better to move forward than backwards. It's a slow climb, but I don't think it will take too much longer. So far, the optimum time to begin eating is 10am. If I am able to eat a reasonable breakfast around that time my body will naturally cue itself for lunch, a snack and dinner. Of course I still have my premeasured snack set aside for night time. If I stay on track with my eating I'll begin feeling normal hunger sensations again. Right now I don't feel anything. I have mental cues telling me I should eat. These cues generally come much later in the day, usually around 1 or 2pm. The cues are easy to overlook. I have gotten up to get something to eat and forget to eat by the time I reach the kitchen. 


It's so easy to ignore the signs and fast forward into binging regularly. Too easy. It's been over 30 years since this disorder developed in me. In a couple years it will be a 40 year struggle. I guess that's more than enough time for something to become deeply ingrained. I don't understand what causes me to lose my ability to feel normal hunger and why the mental hunger so strong. It's always lurking. Waiting. In addition to my unhealthy relationship with food, I am still sorting out my past. My past is the beginning of this hell?


I want to paint a mental picture of the experience for you. And here is my disclaimer so you not think me insane. What I am about to describe is not an actual occurrence, but a metaphorical description of what my binge experience feels like.


I am sitting in the living room (usually) and it's late night. Unable to sleep, I mindlessly watch tv. There is an awakening of sorts. It's like an additional awareness comes into play. Now there's a feeling of hunger, but it's not a physical hunger, it's more mental or at least that is where the general location of the sensation is. My mind's eye (as I can best describe) begins to travel through the apartment, making it's way to the kitchen. It examines every inch of space as it moves towards the cabinets, drawers, pantry, fridge, freezer, every corner of the kitchen. Searching. I am still sitting on the couch. Anticipation builds as the search continues. Cravings begin. Thoughts of various foods and tastes emerge. I want something comforting, sweet, sticky, savory, maybe even warm and soothing ...I want to feed. When the mind's eye lands on something desirable, I get up to prepare the food, but it doesn't stop there. As I sit down to eat the food, the mind's eye revisits the kitchen looking for the next item to eat. If my mind's eye is not satisfied with what's available in the kitchen, it seeks other food sources, fast food restaurants, grocery stores even convenient stores. Whatever the case, I must move at its will. The hunger is insatiable. The binge takes on a life of its own. At it's worse, hours of binging will occur before satisfaction. It doesn't care how bad I feel about eating so much, as a matter of fact the binge uses my emotions to fuel it's desire. The cravings leave and the binge subsides. I am left gorged. My ribs expanded and hurting, I'm having difficulty breathing. I contemplate going to bed, but wait, there's one more thing. One more item to be eaten. Something sweet. Something quick. Just a little something to top everything off. And then I'll crawl into bed and go to sleep.


There are other times when I go through the evening purchasing and hording foods for my late night binge. I often feel an sense of excitement when hording different foods. When I get home I lay all of the foods out and fantasize about the order they will be eaten. Even though I've purchased foods throughout the evening, I will still cook a meal. Usually something like hamburger helper. I am pleased and feel a great sense of accomplishment now that I am prepared for the binge. I play with my son, give him his meds and put him to bed. And then the binge begins.


I speak of binging as a separate entity because that's how it feels. It's something outside of myself propelling myself into an action that I cannot control. It is for this reason that denial is so easy. In a way, it's like having an alter ego or another existence that you're only aware of on an as needed basis. Just enough to function for the cause. Otherwise, it is as if it never happened. By the next day, I'm starving myself again. I function completely oblivious to the binge I had the night before. I spend time with my son before going to work. My food and drink intake is at it's lowest. I may eat 1 potato chip or nibble a cookie for an hour or so before work. That is, if I have a sensation of hunger. My denial was so deep that I've even caught myself saying, "how can I be so big, I eat like a bird?" It makes sense. I only acknowledged the minuscule amount of food that I'd eat during the day and nothing else. I just didn't see it.


My most difficult time with binging was during my son's first year of life. The stress was extreme and my motherly duties endless as I had to give him medicines and care around the clock. He was so sick and frail. My will to give my son everything I had to give as a mom was the sole reason for my being able to function at all. The binge, well, that was my bonus for a job well done. It was my comfort. My mommy time that didn't mind the occasional interruption. My second life, far removed from the stressors of the day. It would always be waiting for me. I gained 100 lbs. that year and didn't realize it. I blamed the dryer for shrinking my clothes.


I imagine this will be a life long struggle, like alcoholism. There is no cure, only the count of days between binges. My gut tells me that the binging will get much better as I maneuver through my mottled past and make peace with the demons that dwell there.

February 25, 2014

It's been a very long time since my last post. My struggle with Night Eating continues. I'm still not able to wrap my mind around writing about it. I don't understand why it's so difficult for me. A few years ago, I created my first blog. It's not fairing well. There's been quite a few hits, but that's because of the name, not the content. I revisited that blog on several occasions, deciding not to determine what the blog would be. Instead I will write and allow the blog to show me. I still can't see. Perhaps, I'm blind to it. Thoughts still adrift the top leaves on my dysfunctional family tree.

How can I suffer with something for so long, but can't manage to write about it. My mind is tired and I am at a loss for words. Brain throbbing, filled with thoughts that cannot be purged. Perhaps I am plagued with the need for perfection which is something I will never achieve. Curse my parents for beating this need into me. I am enslaved to it and choked by it. With all that I am I vow to find a way. If nothing other than to write my disjointed ramblings.


As a ploy to rekindle my thirst for writing, I read my bio hoping to find something viable. Something that I can resuscitate. But there is nothing. Nothing but benign words depicting an empty space where my spirit is supposed to dwell. Still nothing there.


I try to think of clever titles for my ramblings. Can't even do that right. I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. After all, I think that I am feeding off of something tangible. Truth be known there is nothing to feed off of. My life is but a misty, dusty space filled with dark shadowy figures and the ever present stench of fear.


It's 4:03pm. I've forgotten to eat again. The pattern is re-emerging. I'll eat a little something now, as my mind cruises through the kitchen cabinets, pantry, refrigerator and freezer. Oh, wait...I have chips. Deep inside I know that I am headed to a bad place. A very dark place. Moving into action as the planning begins. Systematically pairing starches by texture and taste. If I'm not careful I will binge tonight. I'll need to go out in a little while. I must be careful not to pass by any fast food places. I'm not strong enough to dry by without a taste. I'll go directly to my destination and back home. My hope is to cook a nutritious meal and set aside a snack for later. I hope I will be strong enough...


Last night I ate a large bag of chips. I hope not to do the same tonight.

It's time for the animals to begin their feed.

We sniff and scratch for signs we need.

Look over there.

Do you see what I see?

The scavenge begins.

Like worker ants we will collect our swell.

We will feast through the night and all will be well.

Slippery Slope

June 2013

Week 2

 

 I continue to assessing and documenting my life with NES, always keeping in mind that the struggle is ever present especially in the now.

I am a long way from combating Night Eating Syndrome. I’ve made great strides in accepting that I have this condition and am actively working towards a healthier life and lifestyle. My struggle with this disorder is more prevalent now because I am seeing the reality of it. Writing this blog is a way for me to relieve my mind of some of the facts and feelings associated with this disorder. This is my attempt at taking a stand and be accountable for my actions no matter the root source or the outcome.

I’ve been doing fairly well managing my NES this past year, much better than a few years ago. For the most part, I am able to consume more of my caloric intake before 7pm which is monumental for me. In the past my caloric intake was next to nil during the day. Even though I would start eating around 4:30-5:00pm, I would only take a few bites before hoarded the rest for later.

This week I have been experiencing a little more stress then my norm and I find myself reverting back to some of my old ways. I am picking up on a definitive pattern. The onset of binge eating tends to occur when stress levels are on the rise; daytime appetite decreases rapidly as I fast approach full binge mode, that is, if I’m not careful. Note to self…continue working on managing stress. Can’t stop stressors from occurring, but I can change how I deal with them. There is one good thing in all of this...I am identifying the problems and working towards correcting them. Besides, beating myself up about this is not going to help. Let’s face it, it took more than a day to develop this disorder and it’s certainly going to take more than a day to cure it.

My most recent binge happened a few days ago. I hoarded some food from dinner specifically to consume during late night hours. I was fully aware of what I was doing and proceeded anyway. The urge was strong and I gave into it. I did not want to fight it and possibly cause a bigger binge. That night, I tried several things to relax like playing music or writing. This helped for a while, but I still could not fight the urge to feed before sleeping.  So I did. I consumed the foods designated for my night time feed and then off to sleep I went. The next day, I forgetting to eat breakfast. I did not eat a morsel until about 2:30pm. Not good, but not my worst. Of course eating later in the day throws everything off. I still cooked dinner, but opted to eat much later than my new norm.

The next day, I didn’t eat anything until after 5pm. This is getting very bad. I’m heading towards a bigger binge. I can feel it. I have to get focused and get back on track with my eating. It is imperative. I can’t afford to continue going backwards. I’ve come too far and my health is on the mend. I don’t ever want to get as sick as I was before buckling down to combat this dreaded thing.

Since Friday, my stressful period has calmed and all is well. Yesterday and today I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack. So far I do not have the urge to binge tonight. I've already put away the left overs from dinner. Now I’ve got to come up with a better strategy for maintaining a healthy eating plan during high stress times. I've really got my work cut out for me with this one.

There are slippery slopes on this journey and last week I slipped pretty hard. But I’m regaining my footing and so onward and upward…one step at a time…one day at a time.

I Get So Frustrated!!!!!

Writing about myself is one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do. Yet I can't stop trying. I need to get my words out, if for no one other than myself. I get so frustrated when reading others blogs. I love to read them and enjoy the content of their posts, but I find myself getting lost in envy over their fluidity of total expression. I wonder, do they struggle like I do? Do they sit at a little wooden desk and fret for countless days, months and hours...agonizing over every word, writing and re-writing...walking away and returning? Whenever I'm not in front of my computer I feel like I am about to burst at the seems. There is so much that wants to come out. Why is it so hard?!

Just when I think that I've figured it all out and am ready to open up the flood gates I go dry again. Where is inspiration? Isn't it enough to live the story that I want to tell? My words feel emotionless and sterile. Yes, that would best describe it. Perhaps I'm trying to hard. Perhaps it just me and my disconnection to life. My mind won't allow me to feel the fullness of my emotions. I guess it would be too much. Maybe I should just close my eyes and breathe... All I can see are words floating around in space...taunting me...haunting me. Memories flash before my eyes, yet I still feel nothing. I think I want to cry and scream, but I can't. There's nothing there...

I looked into the mirror once and saw a women mentally bludgeoned. I've been violated in every possible way. My spirit battered, broken and left for dead. My girth increasing and decreasing...increasing and decreasing...increasing and decreasing... I am OBESE!! I am UGLY!! I am UNWANTED!! I am UNLOVABLE!! There's no escape. I'm going crazy, I need to release. Please God help me!!!!

I can walk through a house of mirrors and never see my own reflection. Conditioned to ignore the obvious. I live an illusion. I always have. Where there should have been love...there was none. Where there should have been protection...there was none. Where there should have been comfort...there was none. Where there should have been laughter, joy, fun, adventure...there was none. I have been imprisoned by life, my parents, my conditions and even my own mind... Flawed from head to toe...inside and out. I am queen of the misfits...discarded like a broke Christmas ornament. I want to see beauty, but I can't. I know beauty lives inside. I want to be beautiful on the outside. I can't see myself because I don't want to. I don't want to face the ugly truth. My friends, they tell me I'm beautiful, but they are just being kind.

I crawl out of my hole and begin to pick up the pieces. I try to make sense of what's left of my life. I put on the face of strength for my child. I don't want him to see me broken even though he already knows that I am. You see, he knows first hand the pain that is mine. When he was a toddler we used to visit my parents on the weekends. It would take most of the day for me to manage the thought... Hours of crying and vomiting and then slowing getting ready to face the beast. My dad, never satisfied, would always criticize me. One day it had gotten so bad that my precious little one ran over to me, jumped onto my lap and wrapped his arms around my neck...screaming and crying. He turned to look at my dad as if to say...leave my mommy alone. I hugged and kissed him and told him it was okay. We went home. There were many occasions like this, but I dare not miss a weekend. My parents insisted that we break bread together every Saturday. My mother still presenting the face of perfection. Still perpetuating the lie. Will it ever stop?

My parents are gone now. Would it be wrong for me to say that I am grateful? Should I feel guilty for feeling this way? My son can since that I am still haunted by my past. It is on those days that he hugs me and rubs my face to ensure me that it's okay. I look at him in think how precious he is. He is perfect. He will never know the beatings, ridicule, disconnection, blame and hate that I endured. If only I too had been so precious to my parents.

I relish the joy and peace that we have in our home. My son will never have to question if he is loved. He will never feel the pain I felt. I thank God for that. I thank God that he made me strong enough to break the curse. I thank God for the blessing of my son and the gift of motherhood. Thank you God for showing me what parenting should be... How love should feel... What peace is...

It is because of my love for my son and my quest for healing that I take this journey. I want my son to have the absolute best of me. I want to be free. Not stuffing my pain, but releasing and letting it go...completely. That is my goal. And I will achieve this even if it takes me one letter at a time...

Food: A Link between Discomfort and Dysfunction

Many disorders are born out of dysfunction.

I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family. I'm sure you've heard stories like this before. I was trapped in the middle of my father's absolute control and my mother's need for perfection. An illusion forced upon the meek. On the other side of the door was our audience. No one knew the happenings behind the closed door. No one except a cousin who occasionally saw more than she bargained for.

My parents were entrepreneurs. They owned a barber shop and a convenience store. Dad worked and mom was a homemaker. We had two cars, but only one worked at any given time. My mom in her eternal quest for perfection, would wash and shine both cars so they looked brand new. It didn't matter that her car wasn't drivable as long as it looked good. It was perfectly acceptable that there was no leaving the house without permission. Mom would lobby for cab fair whenever she needed to run errands. She was allotted a small of time to get everything done. There was always a mad dash to clean the house, which was never dirty, run the errands and have dinner ready before dad came home...and then we'd wait. Dinner was never to be served before dad's arrival. Sometimes we'd have to wait for hours.

In the beginning...

Around the age of ten life took another terrible turn. It was at a routine well check where I was deemed obese. A word I had never heard before, but knew it was something bad. I weighed in at 101 pounds. Nothing much was said that day. A few days later a new routine was set. Get up, get ready for school, step on the scale and then breakfast. If a pound or two was gained that potentially earned me a beating before school. If that was the case, mom would apply alcohol and salves to the whelps and cuts, then have me change into long sleeves if necessary.

Meal portions were dramatically shrunken. I was always being hungry. Every evening, my parents would enjoy having desert after dinner. For obvious reasons, I was denied this privilege, but had to remain seated at the table until dinner was done. On weekends dad would bring candy, soda, cakes and chips home from our store. It was a welcomed treat.

An opportunity has arisen. My parent's room was right next to mine. On Saturday nights they'd close the door. Late night in the quiet of dark I'd sneak to the kitchen to steal treats. I had to be fast and always have an alternate plan should one of my parents come out of their room unexpected. There were many areas between the kitchen and my room where I could quickly stash the goods and act as if I had gotten up for a glass of water. Sometimes I'd say a quick prayer in hopes that they not find my wares before going back to bed. A binging hoarder in the making and my hoard...food.

My focus on the consumption food became one of the links between heightened levels of discomfort and dysfunction.

Food is now my enemy and my friend...my fixation.

Where do I begin?

A few years ago I was forced to make some hard decisions about my eating disorder, Night Eating Syndrome (NES).

At present time NES is not in the DSM IV/V.

The three main components identifying NES are Morning Anorexia, Night Binging and Insomnia. There is hope for us. Binge Eating Disorder recently added to the DSM-V under (EDNOS) Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified has given way to the possibility of two new additions to the DSM-V, Purging Disorder and NES.

I have been ignoring NES for 25 years. Three years ago my health took a turn for the worse. It quickly became evident that I needed to change my ways or else I would surely die. So I claimed my dirty little secret, frequent night time binges, and began looking into steps I could take to make positive life changes.

First steps toward recovery:

Acknowledge having an eating disorder.
Increase awareness of my own eating patterns. Note how I feel before/during and after meal times.
Identify possible beginning of NES behaviors.
Assess feelings, emotional state and reasoning behind late night eating.
Contact Psychologist to begin work on underlying issues.

No matter if you binged last week, last night or just a few minutes ago, it's not too late to get on the road to recovery.

 

 

Related Articles:

 

Night Eating Syndrome: Should it be Included in the DSM-V 

http://www.psychotherapybrownbag.com/psychotherapy_brown_bag_a/2009/10/night-eating-syndrome-should-it-be-included-in-dsmv.html

 



Night Eating Disorder
http://www.allianceforeatingdisorders.com/night-eating-syndrome

Issues for DSM-V: Night Eating Syndrome
http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/article.aspx?articleID=99701

What is Night Eating Syndrome?

Night eating syndrome, or NES, also "midnight hunger", is an emerging eating disorder diagnosis, which primarily characterizes an ongoing, persistent pattern of late-night binge eating.^[1][2] NES was originally described by Dr Albert Stunkard in 1955^[3] and is currently proposed for inclusion in the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.^[4] The diagnosis is controversial; its validity and clinical utility have been questioned^[5] and there are currently no official diagnostic criteria. - Wikipedia.com

More information on the Characteristics of NES
http://jama.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=191250

There are several night time eating disorders listed in varying resources. So while looking up more information you may want to check into these...

Nocturnal Hyperphagia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kleine%E2%80%93Levin_syndrome

Nocturnal Eating Disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nocturnal_sleep-related_eating_disorder

Parasomia (SRED) Sleep Related Eating Disorder (also linked to NED)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parasomnia

EDNOS Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified

Exert from http://www.eatingdisordersonline.com/explain/ednos.php

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 4th Edition there exists a category of eating disorders that do not meet the specific criteria for the two defined disorders, Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia. When people exhibit behaviors in the spectrum of disordered eating but do not meet all the criteria for Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia, they are given a diagnosis of an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). Over one-half to two-thirds of people diagnosed with eating disorders fall into the category of EDNOS. More people are diagnosed with EDNOS than Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia combined.

Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is the only type of eating disorder under the category of EDNOS. A person meets the definition of having EDNOS if they have exhibit all the criteria for Anorexia Nervosa but have regular menstruation or a normal body weight, or if they exhibit all the criteria for Bulimia but purge less than two times per week or for a duration shorter than three months, or if only small amounts of food are purged, or if a person spits out food rather than swallowing it.

People diagnosed with EDNOS can experience the same negative psychological, social, and physical consequences as a person diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia. The seriousness of their condition is no different than that for people diagnosed with specific disorders. The only difference is that the person may experience a spectrum of disordered eating behaviors and these behaviors may change over time.

Although BED is the only one of the types of eating disorders categorized under EDNOS, people who are considered to have Sub Therapeutic Anorexia Nervosa or Sub Therapeutic Bulimia are also given a diagnosis of EDNOS. To have Sub Therapeutic Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia means that a person displays some but not all of the criteria for the full-blown condition.

Read more about EDNOS

Huffington Post
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/04/eating-disorders-ednos-dsm-5_n_2398373.html

Wikipedia.com
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_disorder_not_otherwise_specified


Educate yourself

It's going to take some time before NES enters the realm of legitimized eating disorders. In the meantime you will need to education yourself on the subject and take carful not of your relationship with food.

Have your information handy when approaching medical professionals for help. NES is not commonly known or spoken off in general medicine. If your medical professional is not familiar with the term Night Eating Syndrome, you may want to try a couple of the other terms listed with exception the EDNOS which umbrellas only one eating disorder, Binge Eating in the DSM-IV/V.

My Experience

A seemingly lack of interest of the subject has been my experience with medical professionals. Though my concerns duly noted, they are still unaddressed. There is no definitive diagnosis so it is simply put into my file as a general note.

Medical professionals can be rather harsh when dealing with weight related issues. They don't understand for many, "obesity" is a band aid for internalized emotional scars. A self made barrier of protection. Obvious distain for one's heaviness and harsh words do not help the situation.

NES is very real and can be a debilitating disorder. I have lived with NES for 28 years and it has taken me until 3 years ago to figure out ways and strategies to begin helping myself.

I strongly recommend seeking council to help with this process. NES has a root and one of the ways to combat any problem is to find the root source. Having a psychologist to help you strategies your way back to a healthy relationship with food is key.

More Reading Materials about NES

Overcoming Night Eating Syndrome: A Step-By-Step Guide To Breaking The Cycle
by, Kelly C. Allison, PH.D., Albert J. Stunkard, MD, with Sara L. Their

Night Eating Syndrome
by Frederic P. Miller (Editor), Agnes F. Vandome (Editor), John McBrewster (Editor)

Night Eating Syndrome
Research, Assessment, and Treatment
Edited by Jennifer D. Lundgren, Kelly C. Allison, Albert J. Stunkard