The Struggle Is REAL

I’m so glad to finally have time to get back to my blogs. It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything here. I want you to know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers even when I don’t get the chance to check in.

My son and I are doing well. A few posts ago I mentioned my son having some difficulties with maintaining his weight. We’re still not sure why he had the sudden drop. Initially, we thought he was not getting enough calories with diet changes. He’s still on a Paleo/Gluten Free diet plan and it’s working out well so far. I won’t get into his actual weight. One of my promises when starting this blog was that I would try my best not to post numbers. Numbers are a definite trigger for me and almost never lead up to healthful choices. If you don’t know what I mean I will be happy to explain. The road to recovery from an eating disorder is hard enough without bearing the weight of numbers such as portion size, how many calories, carbs, pounds, reps, etc. I tend to become hyper-focused on numbers when having to deal with them frequently so I try to stay away as much as possible. I only weigh when going to the doctor because weighing at home creates a higher potential for obsessive behaviors such as obsessing over weight gain or loss every day. Starving and binging would soon follow and that is the last thing I need.

Getting back to my son. He did lose several pounds but gained them back over the holidays. Tweaking his diet, adding supplemental drinks occasionally and encouraging him to eat small meals frequently helped tremendously. My son is learning what foods make him feel good and what foods disrupt his digestion. He’s also gaging himself on how much he eats and he’s taking more time to chew his food. I tell you what, I could not be prouder. I know the doctors didn’t have much hope getting my son to make healthier choices. No matter if a person is autistic or not, having the patience and taking the time to work on things that need to be worked on will bring forth improvement. Believe me, a little improvement is better than no improvement. In my son’s case, his improvement has been tremendous. I also think his maturity level has increased nicely over the past year.

As for me, I’ve managed to get past a major threshold. I've gotten down to the weight I was when I first found out I was pregnant with my son 19 years ago. It’s been quite an adjustment. When I say the struggle is REAL, it really is. I’ve been struggling with urges to binge since just before the holidays after meeting one of my goals. I was plagued with fear (stemming from childhood trauma) and I needed to get it in check. So while working on my latest issues with body appearance and attracting attention to myself I’m battling sever urges. I do well sometimes and other times I don’t. That being said, I am in no way going back to where I came from. I don’t ever want to see those pounds again. Instead of trying to force the issue and fight this thing until I give out, I am applying appropriate attention to my eating and exercising while working on maintaining where I am until I manage to get past this hurdle. It's working for me, but still a struggle…one that I have no intention of losing.

For now, I am still maintaining my progress within a couple pounds of my last major weight check. Binging and cravings are starting to subside. I’m still eating meals well and taking on the challenges one day and one craving at a time. Today has been a good day. Onward and Upward!

Gaining The Ability To See Progress And Still Be Okay

Hi there. How are you doing? Are you  having a good Summer so far? I can't complain. As a matter of fact I have quite a bit to be thankful for. I don't have any particular plans other than continuing to embrace the advocacy work that I've been doing for almost a year now. It's going very well. I'm meeting some really incredible people who are as passionate about advocacy as I am, if not more. New opportunities are opening up for me and my skill set in increasing by leaps and bounds. My son's health is better also. Food is not making him suffer. He enjoys the foods that I'm cooking and he's responding well to the medicines he's taking. We did go through a period where his seizures increased dramatically, landing us in the ER a few times. With many prayers and a few adjustments to medications he seems to be doing well.

It's been a long time since I've seen my son so happy, even though I've witnessed him smile through much of his pain for the past three years. It's different now. I can tell he feels much better. I sit here listening to his inaudible chatter and contagious laughter and smile to myself, taking mental note of my gratitude.

In my last post I wrote about becoming aware of my self-sabotaging mindset whenever I've managed to achieve a weight loss goal or an exercise goal or even an eating goal for that fact. I've been spending a lot of time praying about this thing, because I honestly didn't have a clue what to do about it. I needed answers to questions I could barely voice. I'm still seeking answers and while I'm seeking those answers I'm systematically compiling more questions. While all of this this is going on, I turn my attention towards the self I see in the mirror and I begin to see what looks like change. As I stare at my reflection I wonder if what I see is real.

Have you ever come to a point in a situation where you simply don't know which way to go? It doesn't matter how much you think about it, you still have no clue and as soon as frustration sets in, you shift gears and begin willing your thoughts to disappear. Before long you might find yourself in a vicious cycle of trying to overcome something that you don't know how to overcome and getting angrier by the moment because you can't to do this on you own.

Part of my Christian belief is that we as believers should not try to navigate life's trials and tribulations on our own. We are taught to rely on God, to seek Him in all that we do. Why is it so hard to put this into practice? The way I see it, it's because we are fixated on seeing self...not our whole self, just the parts we don't like. We read books on how to help self. We seek out inspirational speakers that say to us, rely on self...believe in self. As a matter of fact, since the beginning of our being we are conditioned to focus solely on self. Even much of our faith practice is focused on self, what we want from God...not what God wants from us. And if that isn't enough of a track towards narcissism we go one step further and expand our focus on how the world sees us and that image becomes the image we pay most attention to. We use the world as our mirror and almost always hate what we see. And so every thing we do, say, experience, and want is centered around the image of self that we want to portray to the world. We want to be better than what the world sais we are. Okay, so let me ask this... How can we Christians see God if all we see is the world's view of self? And how can we see God in ourselves if we don't like what self looks like? I'll even go one step further and ask, how do we learn to trust God and love Him with our whole heart if we don't think He made us right...if we think that God made a mistake when He made us? Have you ever thought about that and how that kind of thinking affects us on every level?

I'm starting to understand why there's such a profound level of negative self and body image. I don't know one other person that is happy with the way God made them...not one. And though I've never had an issue with the way God made me, I've spent the majority of my life loathing what life's circumstances created me to be...fat and afraid.

A couple weeks ago I was about to write a post on not being able to see change. I sat down, opened my blog and attempted to type out the first sentence. Something inside of me would not let me complete that sentence. I closed my blog and began working on something else. A few days past, random thoughts dashing across my mind. "Wonder why I can't see any change?" "Is it because I've been so heavy for so long that I'm not able to see myself any other way?" "Maybe I need to try wearing a smaller size." Of course, at that time I was afraid to try a smaller size. I didn't want to endure anticipation followed by the disappointment of a smaller size still being the too tight. Another thought crossed my mind, "Could it be that I'm not able to see progress for fear of sabotaging myself again?" That was it. It became clear to me that my inability to handle progress will always be a stronghold if I don't seek help from God, because I can't get past this on my own.

Sometimes when I ask God for answers He answers me right away. Other times, He takes me through a process...a journey. I've learned, when asking God to help me change something about myself, in order to achieving change it often requires a process. This time the process is to shift my focus from seeing the world view of self to seeing God's creation.

With the help of God I was able to spend the first year of my journey working towards better physical health by increasing awareness of my emotions and their link to my eating disorder. He also helped me find the courage to look in a mirror and see the image I'd been running from, because my image was everything the world considered wrong. I had to learn how to see my body, not as what the world sees, but as it was created by God and what He intended my body to be.

This is what the bible has to say about that. 1 Corinthians 3:16-17 Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? If any man destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him, for the temple of God is holy, and that is what you are.

Now that I am learning to see myself in the light in which I am meant to be seen, I can better handle the progress I'm making and know that I'm going to be alright because the darkness of negative thoughts cannot penetrate the light of seeing myself through God's eyes.

Onward and Upward!

Being More Aware Makes All The Difference Continued...

As I was typing my last post, I realized that I've become much more aware of how differently I respond to food. Even though I still go through periods of wanting, I don't go through them nearly as often. I am thankful to be more aware of when the cycle is starting as well as being more aware of the triggers.

The most recent change I've noticed since going paleo is that I'm more satisfied after meals, even smaller meals. I also don't crave carbs nearly as much. There are those stumbling blocks like my most recent issue with obtaining a goal and then almost falling into a complete set back. I'm also transitioning into menopause which means I still have those times when I crave sweet and crunchy treats. I don't know if this will continue after the transition is over. I guess I'll need to ask someone if they still have craving like they did before menopause.

If I give in to eating sweets for more than 3 nights in a row my desire for carbs increases. Note, this is not a large amount of sweets. I could have a hand full of peanut m&ms a few nights in a row and that will trigger intense cravings just as if I were binging. Not just any sweet will trigger me. Refined sugars are my biggest culprit for triggering cravings. I recognized that when I started eating a hand full or raisins a few nights in a row and I didn't experience any triggers. So now when I crave a sweet crunchy treat during that special time of month, my most successful go to treat is raisins and nuts which is working for me so far.

Now only if I can figure out how to deal with success better. How do I stop myself from freaking out and sabotaging my efforts after obtaining my next weight loss goal? I'm clueless. The one good thing is that I recognize the pattern. As far as knowing which way to go from here...I don't. But you know me, I'll figure it out.

Onward and Upward! 

Being More Aware Makes All The Difference

I've learned a lot on this journey. One of my biggest lessons is to pay close attention to my emotions and reactions to different things that may affect progress. Triggers for example. Though I have gained the ability to deal more healthfully with emotional peaks and valleys, but I still have triggers that are not as noticeable, at least not to me. For example, in my last post I wrote about finding success in failure. The success was that I crossed over a weight threshold that eluded me for 16+ years. What I did not expect and what I obviously did not pay attention to in the past was the overwhelming feeling of fear when I realize I've achieved another goal. It's subtle at first, so I didn't really think of it much. By the following week I was in full binge mode. I found myself in a battle of wills. The will to continue moving forward with my progress and the lack of will to fight off cravings. The vicious cycle reared it's ugly head.

It was all consuming. Everyday I dealt with urges so strong they'd actually stop me in my tracks. One day I was going to do a couple loads of laundry. As I collected items to wash an overwhelming urge to get pizza came over me. I literally stopped in my tracks, looked towards the front door and almost gave in to the need to feed. I managed to fight it off for a bit, but the cravings continued in waves. Sometimes the urges were so strong that all I could do was stand right where I stood and not move...not speak...and try not to think until the wave was over.

Wednesday was the hardest day. Thought of pizza whirled around my mind. All kinds...every kind... The waves of urges to feed were unstoppable. I refused to give up. I put all my energy into not walking out the front door. Not even to take the trash out. When it seemed as though I was going to lose the battle, I picked up the phone and called my cousin. She too struggles with binging. As soon as she answered I warned her and asked for forgiveness for possibly triggering her with what I was about to say. She gave me the go-ahead...I began to share my plight. She understood and fortunately was not triggered. She listened as I rambled on frequently switching between the subject of the foods I wanted to devour and my desperate plea for help to get past the whole thing.

Exhausted, I felt as though I were being bludgeoned and all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole to lick my battered emotions and bruised ego. Then my cousin asked a very interesting question. She wanted to know if I had anything in the house to make a pizza with or something pizza like. I did. I had turkey pepperoni in the fridge and a couple gluten free tortillas in the pantry. In almost an instant I became calm. My cousin noticed and spoke to it. Even as I sit here reliving my experience I can still feel the calm that came over me with a simple question. I made my makeshift pizza. It was delicious and it took away all the cravings. I was satisfied and did not binge. Thank you, Cuz! You threw me a lifeline that day. I'll always be grateful for it. Love you much!!

Being aware of my emotional cycle during that period made all the difference.

I'm glad to report that progress still continues. I have not weighed since my last drs. visit and presume that I will not weigh until my next drs. visit in a few months. In the meantime, I continue to exercise 30-45 minutes every night. If I feel tired or sick I remind myself of my commitment to do at least 10 minutes. Often I feel much better once I get started and can go for the full time. I also really appreciate that I've started following through on opportunities to walk more.

I'm feeling better. I'm starting to look better. I'm eating healthier than I ever eaten before.

Onward and Upward!

Doritos and Chocolates

I've been off the wagon for the past two months. Well not off of everything. I'm still eating as I should during the day and believe it or not I'm still working out. However, my late nights have been filled with Doritos and chocolates and sometimes wine. And though I've been exercising, it's only been in the past couple weeks that I've exercised as I should. At my worst I was one day on and four days off. It's hard to keep up good habits when spiraling downward. Speaking of spiraling downward, what should I call those times when I've "fallen off" the wagon. I don't necessarily like saying I've "fallen off the wagon." I use this term for lack of better wording. Perhaps I should consult my thesaurus. I want a word that is an honest description of what I'm going through without being totally negative. After all, what I've just gone through is not my desire, but it is part of my reality. I'm finally realizing there's not perfection in this. I'm going to do well at times and other times not so much. That's just the nature of the beast. I'm in recovery. That doesn't mean I'll never binge again, that means I've gotten better at not binging and I will continue to get better over time. 

This slippery slope was like any other slippery slope. I found myself getting overwhelmed again, stress, anxiety and the ever present pre-menopausal syndrome. Yeah, I said it. Pre-menopausal syndrome. This is the latest  hurdle and one of the most fierce so far. This too shall pass. Pray God it passes soon. In the meantime, I'm finally Dorito free again...well almost. I still have a few left in the bag and I'm down to the occasional candy bar. It's much better than now than it was a few weeks ago. Though I'm gearing up for another cycle. I hope this time the cravings aren't as bad. 


Gormandize

1.

the action of indulging in or being a connoisseur of good eating.

Hmmm...
I've recently resigned from gormandizing the finest Doritos and chocolates in the area.

Oh well...
Mood swings, lost earrings and beer battered onion rings. Bad cramps, broken lamps and damp cloths over eyelids. Doritos, chocolates, and the occasional hot pocket.

Ups, downs, beginning, ends and so shall I begin again...

Onward and Upward, my friends!

Oh Joy...Oh Joy! [Sarcasm]

First of all, please accept my apology if you find this post offensive. It is not my intention to offend anyone. There are many factors to being a women and I for one am open to discussing those factors, one of which is our monthly cycle. If you are uncomfortable with this type of discussion, please do not read the rest of this post. Thank you.

_______________________________________________________

I have experienced many pluses since starting exercise regularly. My moods have been better. My body feels better. I think I look better. And I sleep much better. I genuinely enjoy my exercise time, most of the time. There's an all around good feeling when doing something good for myself, especially not giving up on myself. There's another unexpected gift that I didn't count on. One of the things I asked God for included turning back the hands of time so I could look and feel more youthful. I was blissfully unaware that my request would include the rejuvenation of my menses.

I know this may be an uncomfortable subject for some, but it's one worth speaking on.

I started my cycle at the age of 10. I won't bore you with the details about that. Thirty-five years later I found myself praying to God to release me from the gift that keeps on giving. How ironic that I would receive a double dose of my special gift every December...Merry what? Yes, I speak of the dreaded red dollar days, period, being on-the-rag, or what I so lovingly referred to as my beloved dash, which I experienced approximately every other month. At least that's what I called it in my 50th year as I gracefully flitted into perimenopause, a state in which I've relished the thought of for some time. I won't be the one to tell you transitioning has been easy, but I will say I believed I weathered the worst of it and was finally coming into the home stretch. And then... I thought that train was coming to a screeching halt. Instead it looks like I've been scheduled for a few more runs. I am not happy about this. Oh well, that being said, my symptoms are much milder in comparison to my youth. I attribute that to exercise and healthy changes in diet.

Here's an article I found about the positive effects of exercise for women experiencing perimenopause and menopause. Exercise Recommendations for Menopause-Aged Women

While I'm on the subject, how do you handle cravings during that time of the month? Do you fight them or allow yourself to feed the savage beast inside? I used to struggle with cravings and that feeling of being a bottomless pit every month. Some months were worse than others. I bring this up because I've not yet read anything that discusses this issues for women having eating disorders. Do men go through cycles of cravings or is it just us?

It didn't matter how much progress I made, binging always occurred during my time of month. I never spoke on it. I treated it like a separate entity. I guess I didn't see the relevance or even more of an honest answer, I didn't want to admit it. I was afraid to talk about it because I didn't know what to do about it. It's much better for me now that I've admitted this is a real problem for me. Solution...recognizing the foods I crave during that time and finding healthy alternatives. I have the standard kinds of cravings. Usually I want something sweet, salty and crunchy. In the past I would eat things like chips, dip and chocolate in large quantities. Now I eat healthier combinations, a sort of trail  mix if you will. I like to combine raw baby carrots with peanuts and raisins. Lovely combination. Sweet, crunchy and satisfying. Another delicious combination is dried fruit like apples, pear, mango or prunes accompanied by a small piece of cheese on top of a triscuit or bagel chip. I recommend a triscuit or bagel chips because they offer more bite and longer chewing time, which gives my mind time to sense that my stomach is getting full and I actually get a little tired of chewing too. You may want to use cucumber instead of the triscuit or bagel chip. Pick a healthy solution that works for you.

As I do any other night, I prepare my snack in advance which gives me something to look forward to and curves my need to binge. If this method does not work for you, keep looking for what does. Like me, you may have to try a couples things before you figure it out.

Remember to drink at least 6-8 8oz. glasses of water per day. It's important to stay hydrated and drinking water also helps to curb your appetite.

I was not a water lover, so I used a few tricks to help me get the water down until I learned to love it.

Tip for the day: Add a squeeze of lemon, lime or orange juice to a glass of water. Garnish with a slice of fruit. It looks pretty and is great for special occasions. I sometimes add a sprinkle of cool-aide (original) into my glass of water. Another great way to add a little color and flavor to a glass of water without adding sugar or expense. You could also freeze fruit into ice cubes and put that in your water.

Onward and Upward!

Food and Fun

Still working on undoing bad habits. One of the things my son and I used to do whenever we went for a ride was stop by McDonald's to get large fries and iced teas. This was a staple for us. Towards the end of our ride we'd stop by another fast food place to get takeout for home. It seems our outings were more about the food than the fun.

It's okay to enjoy food out sometimes. So I'm locking away old habits and throwing away the key. When we venture out there's no more stopping at ole Mickey D's to get the usual fries and iced tea. Instead I take time to make an actual plan instead of randomly riding around. I find food to be less of a thought when a plan is in place. Purpose over passive.

Here lately, if I do decide to get a little something to eat it becomes part of the adventure as opposed to being part of the ride. A few days ago we went to a wonderful little market in a nearby town where they sometimes have live music. There was no music that day so we walked around a bit. Later I decided to purchase a small container of their vegan chicken salad. Neither of us have ever tried vegan chicken salad before. I thought it would be fun sharing a culinary first together. We sat at a table on the lawn and watched the children play. Great weather, great company and a delicious snack. That's more like it.

My son has been very receptive to simply hanging out with mom and loving life.

Living seen from a whole new perspective. Learning to put food in it's place has opened up many wonderful opportunities to simply enjoy life and living. There's so many more things I want to do and experiences I want to share with my son. As a new rule, on our adventures, food is only an option...not a must have.

I am a work in progress and so is my son. We will be for the rest of our lives. I think that's pretty cool. I'm thankful. Not only am I seeing the outcome of positive change, but my son is starting to see also. Feels good.

Onward and Upward!

Making Progress

Wow! Time is really getting away from me. I can't believe Christmas is next week and the week after we are looking at a brand new year. I'm not going to ask about New Year's resolutions because I don't believe in them. I refuse to start a new year like that. I prefer easing into my year being thankful and hopeful.

How have you been? I'm doing well. My son is doing well also. We've been busy. I came across an acting class for people having disabilities in our local area. How cool is that?! I called the person who is giving the class to find out a few details. After talking it seemed that the class is a very nice class, but not quite what my son needs. That's cool, he's got some other stuff going that is working well for him. I'm actually excited to get him ready for day school which he will start when he's 18. What a relief it is to have a plan for him while he transitions into adulthood. There are so many parents that do not have a concrete plan for their children once they graduate or age out of high school. Fortunately we are involved with a wonderful service provider that created their day school a couple years ago and it is really taking off. They've just recently added yoga classes in addition to all of their other classes. We have two years before he begins and looking forward to it.

Back to calling about the acting class. Even though it was not a perfect fit for my son, there is still some general interest. I also had a very exiting conversation with the instructor and ended up sharing some of my poetry with her. She loved it! I'm so stoked. Shortly after Christmas my son and I are going to see her and one of her friends performing at a local coffee house. I can't tell you the last time we've done that. Wait, let me think...my son might have been 7 or 8...maybe... It's been a long time. I'm exited and looking forward do getting back into the arts and artsy culture. Time to get out of my shell and embrace life again.

Speaking of time. Some days I look at my son and I can't believe how fast the time has gone. One minute I'm worrying about having a healthy pregnancy and the next I'm helping my baby transition into adulthood. Okay, enough of that before I start getting emotional.

Things are going very well with my planned snack attack. Yes indeed! Let's see it is the 16th. I started preparing premeasured snacks on the 7th/8th. I sort of started on the 7th, but was better prepared by the 8th. Had to get some apples and come up with a food plan that did not have triggers in case I wanted to use some of the leftovers for my snack.

So for so good, folks! The first couple night I ate my prepared snack and wanted a little bit more. I didn't fret about it because I was satisfied and contented by the fact that I was not stressing anymore about food intake at night. The next couple nights I ate my prepared snack and was satisfied with just that. I'm doing good and looking forward to doing better. On the 4th, 5th and 6th night I did not eat my prepared snack. Nights 5 and 6 I actually had a snack prepared and on the counter, instantly ready if needed. I did my normal nightly activities of straightening up the house, giving meds, letting out the dog, prayer time, exercise and so on. As the bewitching hour came I noticed that I was not craving food of any kind. As a matter of fact I waiting an additional 30 minutes or so just to see if I would have a craving. Silly I know, but I had to see for myself. I never had the craving and I was getting sleepy which is difficult for me to do unless I've eaten something or I stay up until exhausted (yet another way of trying to combat the need to feed at night). Needless to say on those nights I put my snacks back and gladly ate them for lunch the following day.

I'm feeling pretty confident, but I'm not letting my guard all the way down because we are fast approaching Christmas which is another holiday filled with tempting triggers. I'm going to stick to my guns and plan another healthy meal. A few simple and delicious items should do. I don't think I will make a desert this time. We really didn't miss having desert Thanksgiving. I doubt we will miss it for Christmas. Besides, I can purchase a couple candy canes and leave it at that. Hard candy has never been a trigger for me. Chocolate on the other hand... I'll just leave that alone.

It feels good to be much more comfortable at night. For the last two nights I've been going to bed unusually late. I mean almost at the crack of dawn late. Monday I went to bed around 5:30 am and Tuesday 6:40 something. I'm not sure why I'm not able to fall asleep. I do not feel sad or depressed. I did have a crazy anxiety filled dream a few mornings ago. It kind of messed with me, but I've since gotten over it. I think I have. And I also have a few more memories creeping in from may past, but I am quickly purging those memories into poetry. So I don't know. I feel good and I hope I can get to sleep earlier tonight.

Oh, I almost forgot. I have started exercising an additional 10-15 minutes during the day, not everyday yet, but soon. I really enjoyed it today and will work harder to carve that time out during the day more consistently. Of course, I will have my workout tonight since that is my special treat.

Okay that's pretty much it for me. Tonight for dinner I made a quick stove top version of tuna casserole with a little extra tuna and sweet peas and a simple salad. It was delicious.  

Hugs to you all. Goodnight.

A Quick Note: I'm liking The Change

Hey! I just wanted to check-in after last night. I continue to feel a great since of relief. Everything went well. I put a pre-measured snack in the fridge and went on with my night. I even smiled the entire time I worked out.

I did get hungry and I ate my snack, but the great thing is I didn't feel the need to go back and get more. I don't know why it is, but my mind seems to be satisfied knowing there's a little treat available. Typically during late night hours my mind roams the kitchen cabinets and pantry looking for comforting foods to eat like chips, pasta or something sweet. My cravings for sweets can be specific at times, however my bodies need for sugar is relentless. What does that mean? My body cravings for sugar is not always specific to something sweet, rather my body is looking for empty carbs which quickly break down into sugars. It's a great help not having these types of foods readily available late night. I do cook pasta and rice dishes occasionally. When I do, I know not to cook anymore than what will be consumed for the meal or else it becomes a strong trigger later on that night.

I tell yah, last night was a real wake up call for me. I didn't realize how much the stress of avoiding food late night was affecting me in other ways. I've been consistently exercising for at least 30 minutes at the end of my day which is usually around 2-3AM. About a week ago I started toying with the idea of increasing exercise by adding an additional 15 minutes during the day. I wasn't able to implement it because I'd lost heart. I could not muster up the energy to eve attempt to increase my exercise because I was stressing so much about eating at night. I had gotten to the point of having to avoid walking through the kitchen at night or seeing food items on TV. I could hardly stand to see my son's goldfish snack that he loves so much. I was a mess. Every effort to do right was becoming a form of imprisonment. It wasn't good.

Are some of you wondering why I exercise so late at night? It's simple. In the course of learning to love myself and becoming more committed to self and the goal of getting healthier, exercise became somewhat of a treat. I would even go so far as to say a reward. I like to feel accomplished at the end of the day. Whether my day is a little lack luster or filled with satisfying accomplishments, exercise has become the cherry on top so to speak. It relaxes me and I feel even better about myself when I'm done. It's a win-win situation.

Increasing my exercise during the day is another step towards fulfilling one of my main goals which is to increase my metabolism. I believe increasing my exercise regimen will help me to increase metabolism especially since I'm trying to increase muscle mass. I use 2 lb. weights during cardio routine. I will increase reps and weights over time. I'm also elongating and sculpting as I go with palates. I have a piece of equipment called supreme palates that I use. It has resistance coils that work well for me. Slow and steady wins the race.

Initially I was under the false impression that I would have to be a certain size before beginning to sculpt my body. Another false notion my mind talked me into. It really doesn't make sense to wait, so I'm electing to start now. Scales aren't everything and they're definitely not the go to when documenting results. At least while I'm elongating muscle and sculpting my body I'll be able to reap some of the benefits of exercise quicker than by measuring loss of lbs. I'm a big girl and I'm already starting to see some definition, especially in my arms and shoulders. There's nothing like gaining a little inspiration when looking in the mirror.

The other night, when I was having my little rant about my friend losing weight quicker than I was, I neglected to think about the fact that I am increasing muscle. Muscle is heavier than fat, so when I get on a scale my weight loss will look less because fat loss and muscle gain will kind of even out...duh. So more props to me for having lost weight knowing that I'm gaining muscle. Hey, the more I talk the better I feel.

I lift my glass of water to toast myself on a good global effort. Keep up the good work!

Note to self: remember this is a global effort. Stay focused, continue eating healthy foods in healthy portions, slowly increase exercise routine and relax. Learn to enjoy life a little, especially now that you are doing so many wonderful things for yourself.

Onward and Upward!

April 7, 2014

Hey there, just checking in with a quick note. I didn't post yesterday. Sometimes after breakthroughs or purging of thoughts, I need to take a mental break to fully process everything. It allows time for more memories and thoughts to come to the forefront. I liken it to emptying a large container of water. After a container is emptied, it takes a while to fill up again.


I hope you all are doing well. I'm still feeling empowered from my latest epiphany. My eating is a little better. Of course, it will take time for me to get where I want with my eating. The best part of this is the internal strength that I've gained, not giving in to the whims of my mind or the lies that it tells. I don't have to rely on cues to tell me when to eat. I have times. Time is much easier to focus on. Time does not operate out of emotional pain. Time will not tell me not to eat nor make me feel guilty when I do or don't. Time is just time and nothing else. Whew, a mighty weight has been lifted.


Yesterday I ate breakfast around 11:30am or so. I had two packs of peanut butter crackers. I ate two because I want get used to the idea of eating more and since I'm already comfortable with the crackers it was less offensive to just get another pack as opposed to eating another food. Lunch was a little late, just after 3:30pm. I ate two scrambled eggs, no toast and water. We had company yesterday evening and decided to go out for Chinese food. I ate chicken mei fen, which is super thin rice noodles served with chicken, eggs and onion. It was delicious. I shared some with one of my guests and ate the rest. I also ordered two spring rolls which were lettuce and imitation crab meat rolled up in a rice wrap. I usually go for the fried stuff, but aimed for healthier this time. I knew the mei fen would not hold me all night, so I ate the spring rolls for my late night snack. They were very light and satisfying.


Funny, how I have to trick myself into doing little things to encourage healthy change. I don't particularly like the idea of tricking myself, but I'm at war. An internal war is going on inside my head. That old familiar part of my mind that has mastered avoiding food is as war with the new and healthier part of my mind that wants to adhere to the scheduled eating times. In the morning, when I first think of eating breakfast, my old mind jumps right in and focuses on something else that has nothing to do with eating. In the past, I could go on for hours before thinking of eating again. My new mind kicks in much earlier. So now, when I find myself busy doing other things rather than focusing on eating my new mind cues in and reminds me that I have a set eating time that I need to maintain. Even if I'm off an hour or so, when I think about my eating schedule I immediately get up and get something to eat. No more hesitation at that point like it is with my old mind. This is a bit of a miracle. That's why I can say I definitely love the new strength that I've gained over the past few days.


I'm still taking baby steps, but my steps don't feel so shaky now.


Today I ate breakfast around 11:30 again. I had two packs of peanut butter crackers and water. I didn't eat lunch because I was busy getting ready for my therapy session. This is not an excuse, just a fact. My appointment was at 3:30 which is a common eating time for me. I thought about eating another pack of crackers, but the thought soon left my mind as I turned my attention to what I wanted to take to my session. I'll have to come up with a better plan on days when I have appointments. I won't have extra things to keep me busy tomorrow. It will be the normal schedule. I think I will do much better then. Dinner was shortly after 5pm. I stopped at McDonald's and bought a fish sandwich with fries, no drink and a meal for my son. I can't really say why I didn't want a drink with my meal. Still haven't figured that out yet. I've always purchased a drink with my meal. It's a treat to have something surgery because I usually drink water. Today, I preferred just having water. I'll consider this another good change. Perhaps one day I'll be able to eliminate the meal all together making it a monthly treat instead of a weekly treat.


As I work on changing my eating daytime eating habits, I must keep in mind to fill myself with healthy calories instead of junk. When I make healthy food choices I crave less high carb, high fat foods. My body actually loves healthy foods, especially vegetables, it's my mind that wants the other stuff.


Well, my break  is over. I have many more thoughts to purge. I'll definitely post again tomorrow. Take care and have a peaceful night or day wherever you are. Remember to work on being good to yourselves. Love yourselves and if that's too hard try liking yourself. Baby steps.


We'll get through this together.

1...2...3 Swallow - April 3, 2014

Having a new found understanding of my unwillingness to eat sufficiently during the day has given me cause to change my game plan. Up until now, my focus was on eating a little something 3 times a day if possible. On rare occasions I may also include a daytime snack. Those efforts have fizzled for me again. I'm not worried about this. As I've stated before, beating myself up about short comings is fruitless and leads to forbidden paths. It's better to work on maintaining a healthy outlook on the progress I'm making:


1. I am making efforts daily to have a healthier relationship with food.
2. Even though it's difficult, I do consciously eat something everyday, even if it's a small amount.
3. I am not craving night feeds and sweets are almost out of my diet. This is huge!!
4. I continue to fight off denial by being completely honest with myself in that which I am aware.
5. I have assessed my discomfort, a desire to change, purpose of self discover and need for commitment. Not only have I processed these issues in my mind, I'm actively working on them as well.
6. As I purge my thoughts, memories emerge.
7. I am able to identify some of the root beginnings to my problems.
8. I remain patient with myself in moments of self-doubt.
9. I remain humbled by this process and the encouraging comments that I've received so far.
10. I am slowly peeling back the layers revealing a way inside.
11. I have embraced the truth about my not being fully committed to myself in the healing process and making strides to change.
12. In the midst of discomfort associated with embracing myself, I am managing to find ways to show myself love.


To my friend who faithfully comments on my posts. No, I did not realize how well I've been doing until you brought it to the surface. I was feeling as though I were sinking, not drowning, but wondering which way to go from here. Thank you for pointing out the stages of my progress.


1...2...3 swallow. I chew my food thoroughly and then I swallow. There was no joy in eating today. Just the mechanics of chewing and swallowing, sensation of being full...finished. I don't expect to enjoy eating every time. I'm grateful for the times I am able to enjoy meals. It's not often, but that's okay. I'm going to have to tough this out. If going through the motions is what it takes for me to get over this hurdle...so be it. I asked myself if what I've been doing is working for me. No, it isn't. If something doesn't work...leave it…time for a change of plan. Instead of waiting for or provoking physical cues, I am setting a scheduled time to eat. No room for excuses...just eat. At this point it does not matter how much I eat, only that I become accustomed to eating on a schedule. Once I'm able to get my mind to accept the schedule, then I will work on slowly increasing my intake. I believe it will be easier to adhere to a time as opposed to a sensation.


This morning was stressful, but I did manage to eat a pack of cheese crackers for breakfast. Lunch was around 1pm. I had a fish sandwich, fries and an orange drink. I thought about ordering one of those little baked pies, but quickly dismissed the thought. No need for extras. For dinner I had 3 scrambled eggs with cheese, chicken and toast. I ate dinner around 7:30pm, still wasn't hungry, but ate anyway.

Daytime Anorexia - April 1, 2014

While finishing up yesterday's post I revealed something about myself that I had not given thought to. I revealed that I am actually avoiding eating during the day. For the past 4 years and longer, I've been in denial. My claim was that I "couldn't" eat during the day. It did not dawn on me that my behavior was that of someone who "wouldn't" eat during the day. I remember... There have been times that I felt that I could eat something, so I'd search around for the smallest morsel of food I could find. I'd even chuckle at myself when opening a bag of Lays potato chips because I actually could only eat just one.


Others have witnessed this too, but I paid them little mind. My son used to receive OT (occupational therapy) services. We loved our OT, he really knew how to work with my son and he's also a real stand up guy. One morning, just after finishing working with my son, the OT noticed that I was eating. He was surprised and stated so. He'd never seen me eat anything before and was glad to see me eating something...anything. I was nibbling on a cookie. It had one chocolate cookie and one vanilla cookie with vanilla cream in the center. I'd been nibbling on the cookie for just about an hour at that time. I never took actual bites, but nibbled clockwise around the cookie, slowly making it to the center. How odd that I could ignore behaviors like that. I did the same thing with carrots. Talk about living in an illusion. I would take anything and make it last 100 times longer than it should. One chip could lead to countless nibbles. By the time I finished nibbling the chip I would have convinced myself that I was satisfied. This is behavior associated with anorexia.


I want to be able to say that this epiphany feels great, but it doesn't. It hurts, but it's real and I need to recognized it. If I don't own it, I can't fix it.


Well, now I have an explanation for my difficulty in consuming more calories during the day. I've done very well with decreasing caloric intake at night. Almost too well. I don't want to take my recovery efforts to an extreme and end up on the other end of the eating spectrum. That would not be good. Yet another thing to combat.


Reality strikes again. This is going to be a good thing. I can see my eating during the day is not a matter of can't, but won't. I can eat more food during the day if I am willing. The will to eat will come as I continue working to love myself and be committed to myself. In my love and commitment to myself I will find the desire to devote myself to eating better during the day. Wow! There is so much connected to ones ability to love and be committed to oneself. Amazing!


I'm going to continue giving this epiphany thought. In the meantime, today I had my first meal around noon. I ate two scrambled eggs with chicken and a cup of water. Having water with meals only is not enough. I am going to make the effort to keep water near me throughout the day. If I don't, then I'm less inclined to drink.


I will slowly try increasing my food intake even if not hungry so I can get into the habit of eating during the day.


For a snack I will have a pack of crackers. I may even have a pack for my late night snack.

March 31, 2014

Greetings everyone! I hope you've had a wonderful weekend and a happy Monday. I enjoyed taking time for myself over the weekend to get away from everything and relax. I still have my usual anxiety about starting a new week, but today has been good.


I'm looking forward to sharing some of the thoughts and epiphanies that I've had over the weekend. As always, I hope to hear from you as well. Your comments are always an inspiration to me. It's getting pretty late, so this post will be short. My eating is still not where it needs to be, but I am making progress with my exercises to be committed to myself and the things that I need to do to achieve healing and a healthier relationship with myself and food.


It's has been difficult to do anything favorable for myself. Even simple things like oiling my skin a couple times a day or exercising for 5 minutes per day. I find as I continue working to love myself that I am becoming more aware of myself and the things that I find favorable about myself. I've been thinking about the little girl within. No, I have not written a letter to her yet. I've been dealing with feelings of anger towards my parents and I don't know if I should address those feelings in my letter. There is a profound sense of loss...a life wasted on nothing but survival. I think about the many talents that I had as a child and lost over the course of time. My mind drifts into thoughts of what I could have been had I had loving supportive parents. Would I have been an accomplished musician, author of a book, psychologist, anything I could have put my mind too? Would I have done well at Princeton or Yale, two schools that I was on track for, before throwing in the towel due to my parents lack of interest and support. I wanted to beat myself up for not trying harder, but how could I? I'd been fighting for survival all my life. I was tired of fighting. Instead I gave into physical needs, such as self medicating with food or alcohol.


I spent most of my adulthood blaming my parents for my lack of success. It all comes down to my inability to see my own self worth. To see myself as capable of attending any university that I desired if I just did the work. I gave up on myself. I gave up on life. I find myself wishing that I could turn back time to regain some of what was lost. I can't see being able to accomplish all that I could have then...now. I'm so much older and very tired. Will I be able to accomplish even a faction of what I once was capable of? I don't know. Dare I say it seems impossible. I have so much work to do on myself and so many responsibilities to my son and business. How will I ever manage to have the time and strength and commitment it takes to accomplish anything else? I'm not going to worry about that now. I can't. I feel the weight of this burden getting heavy and I don't need that right now. Stay focused. Only take on that which is necessary for today.


As I was saying earlier. Asides from exploring feelings of anger and loss, I also noticed some improvement of my ability to do healthy things for myself. I have acute eczema which requires putting time into skin daily regimens. I must put on steroid cream and moisturizers several times a day. Prior to this past weekend, it was like pulling teeth to take time for this task. I'd put it off later and later in the day until I'd sometimes go to bed without moisturizer or medicine at all. I've done this quite a few times and have regretted it everytime. This weekend, I found it easier and less of a trial to do. Even when my mind tried to tell me to put it off, I found the strength to say, "No, I will not put this off. It's only going to take a couple minutes and then I'll be done." Again, I know this is a small thing, but when you are damaged to the point where even the small things are colossal, all measures of improvement are cause to celebrate. One tiny step for me...one huge step toward repairing my broken heart and spirit.


Another accomplishment that I experienced over the weekend was having cake in the house and not being triggered to binge. I actually bought one of those Sara Lee butter pound cakes last week because I was craving something sweet, but didn't want anything too sweet. Pound cake was just the thing. In the past, if I had cake in the house I would cut a slice everytime I walked by, but not this time. This time was different. I had a slice of cake after my evening meals and that would be good enough. I seem to be having less and less cravings for sweets and when I do, I only want a small amount. I've even purchased take out 3 times this past week and did order extra food for a binge. One time we had chicken with okra, and fries, another night we had hoagies. I could barely finish half of my sandwich and surprisingly had the other half for the next day...not my late night snack. We also had burgers on Tuesday. I didn't enjoy it. I'm thinking that I want to take a break from burgers for awhile. That's pretty huge.


As I mentioned earlier, I'm not at the point where I'm eating as much as I'd like during the day, but I am doing well with eating much less at night. My late night snacks are shrinking in size as well. The struggle with daytime eating is getting a little worse. I'm experiencing many ups and downs with that, but I'm still holding strong. This week I will focus more on eating better during the day. Since I'm becoming more receptive to doing better for myself, maybe I will have an easier time convincing myself to eat. Hmm, convincing myself to eat. I think that's the first time I've ever put it into words. Okay, another note to self. Be aware of difficulty levels as I work on convincing myself to eat during the day.


I'm hoping to soon include exercise in my daily routine. Once I am able to establish a healthy exercise routine, I will begin posting about weight loss progress. Trust me, I'm going to need all the support I can get when that time comes. Losing weight is a huge issue for me. We'll talk about that more when the time comes.


Today was not a good eating day even though the day went well. I ate a pack of cheese and chive crackers around 3:30pm. I ate another meal consisting of a small portion of left over veggies and mac-n-cheese around 5:40pm. I have not eaten anything else. It is 9:26pm. It's got to get better. Glad I'm able to feed my son better than I feed myself.


Well, it seems that I had more to say than I originally intended. I'm so glad that I took the time to write this post tonight. I don't want to wimp out or take too long of a break from blogging. Especially since blogging has been so instrumental when processing my feelings and difficulties.

Investigating Commitment - March 24, 2014

Tomorrow is our first month anniversary. I promise not to go crazy and talk about anniversaries every month. Our next major milestone will be at 6 months and then 1 year. I still can't believe its been a month already, feels like it's only been a few days. In essence, it has only been a few days, I guess. Nonetheless, this is a major deal.


Clearly I've had and still do have commitment issues with blogging, exercising and other healthy habits. I don't seem to have any trouble committing to wanting a healthier existence or figuring out how to live a healthier existence. Where my difficulty lies is committing to some of the steps it takes to achieve a healthier existence. There's a huge difference between the two. Does that make sense? It seems kind of weird to me, albeit a fact.


I'm going to take a closer look at this thing called commitment. Its no secret that I am in awe of people who are able to overcome insurmountable odds. I wonder what it's like to have the level of commitment it takes to achieve such extraordinary goals. How do they do that? What is the thing that propels them towards success? And why can't I manage to hold onto the inspiration received from hearing their stories?


The best course to take on this leg of my journey is to begin with the definition of that which is the "stuff" of inspirational motivation...commitment. Here are a couple definitions.

com·mit·ment

kəˈmitmənt/

noun

noun: commitment; plural noun: commitments

1. 1.

   the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.

   "the company's commitment to quality"

   synonyms:

   dedication, devotion, allegiance, loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity

The first definition for commitment is functional enough, but rather boring. I'd much prefer to use the second definition found in Urban Dictionary, and it reads:


1.

commitment

Commitment is what
Transforms the promise into reality.
It is the words that speak
Boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak
Louder than the words.
It is making the time
When there is none.
Coming through time
After time after time,
Year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff
Character is made of;
The power to change
The face of things.
It is the daily triumph
Of integrity over skepticism.

When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard.

by Ashbash January 13, 2005

This is the very thing that I want to achieve...the ability to commit to that which will helps facilitate mental, physical and spiritual healing...CHANGE!

Today I ate breakfast at 11:38am. I had a small portion of leftover rice with chicken, tomatoes and okra with a cup of water. Since I ate breakfast late, I had a snack at 3:47pm. I ate turkey ham, cheese and crackers with a cup of water. I also shared the cinnamon bun with my son this afternoon, right after snack. For Dinner I had the remainder of leftover rice, chicken and veggies with 4 fresh salmon fritters and water. For my late night snack I will have a small bowl of raisin bran cereal and milk.

Tomorrow I will resume taking 5 minutes to exercise.

"I have hope for a healthier tomorrow because I know the rest of my life begins today."

March 23, 2014

Sorry it's taken me a few days to publish another post. Sometimes I just need to take a little time to allow everything to process and prepare for another purge. Sometimes I get started on a post and other things get in the way. Though I may miss a day or two here and there, I am always aware of my head space and what I want to share in this blog.


I've been told how therapeutic blogging can be. Of course, you never really realize it until you actually commit to it. For now, I am committed and it's serving me well.


Since I'm coming up on my first full month of writing, I'm going to take this moment to see exactly what I need to do to get to the next step. In a recent breakthrough, I realized that I do not have love for myself nor do I know how to gain love for myself. I realize that the love of others only trickles in from time to time, but the feeling of it almost never lasts. I can feel the love of my son, but have difficulty understanding how he is able to love me. And even though I am appreciative of his love, I do not feel deserving of it. There it is...I have a major issue with love, receiving love, family love, romantic love, love of friends and others. I have problems with love in all areas and this stems from my inability to see myself worthy of receiving love, especially from myself.


In a previous post, March 20th I believe, I asked that you, the readers of this blog, suggest what I post about on our 1st month anniversary. A very good friend responded. She asked that I write a post about things that I like about myself. I thought is was ingenious. And then I began to worry. What do I like myself? I didn't feel that I had much to say about that. Needless to say, I'm struggling with this. I did have a bit of a breakthrough on the subject today. I won't reveal what it is until the 25th, but I can say that I've found a way to tackle this request. I hope as I'm working on my anniversary post something else breaks through. Perhaps I can hold on to some aspects of my self observations and later expound further on them. I'll have to wait and see.


Many Thanks to my good friend who made the suggestion to write what I like about myself. You inspire me on many levels to dig deeper than I though I could.


Today's food intake, pretty good. This morning at 9:07am I had a small pepperoni cheese roll and water. At 2:37 I made two sandwiches. Toasted wheat bread with 2 thin slices of turkey ham, lettuce, tomato and a little miracle whip. I drank an orange soda that I purchased yesterday. For dinner we will have a simple chicken dish, brown rice and vegetables. I will probably reserve a small portion of the leftovers for my late night snack.

Also, I want to be completely honest and tell you that I purchased a couple cinnamon buns yesterday, one large and one small, no extra frosting or nuts. I ate the small one after dinner with every intention to eat the larger one later that night. I'm amazed that I did not eat the second cinnamon bun. As a matter of fact, I still have it now and chances are I may not eat it tonight. If I go three days without eating it I will probably discard it. No...I'm not abdicating wasting money or food. I'm just saying...If the desire isn't there, don't push it. I'll try not to give into the urge to purchase items like that again. I've done this a few times with different sweet and savory items, most of which I no longer buy. I find more frequently that I purchase certain food items with every intention to eat them and then never do. I choose to see this as a good thing. The compulsion to eat foods just because they're readily available is dissipating.


You may wonder why I'm keeping the cinnamon bun, knowing that I could potentially eat it. Well, I kind of like the feeling of wanting the cinnamon bun, but not really wanting to eat it. It's a reminder of how far I've come. So please, allow me this small indulgence. :-)


I'm thankful for disbanding another compulsion. Now if I can just stop purchasing the items. Maybe the next time I have a craving for such items, I could take the money, put it in a jar and save it for a weekend trip to the beach. Hmmm. Sounds like a plan.

Proud Moment- March 21, 2014

Yep, I'm feeling a little proud of myself. Last night, I didn't feel like cooking dinner, so I asked my son what he wanted to eat. I started asking when we were out and about. I was hopeful that he'd want a burger or something else equally as quick. The answer was no. Fine. We went home. I wanted for about an hour and asked my son again what he wanted for dinner. We finally settled on pizza. I've gotten a little bit better about ordering pizza, being mindful not to order too much. Having a lot of leftovers can trigger a binge. I usually order pizza and wings. Last night wanted to try a sandwich instead. So I ordered a medium pizza, 1/2 pepperoni, the other 1/2 cheese and a Mediterranean veggie sandwich.  I came very close to ordering the wings, but managed to stop myself. If I had the wings, I would be at risk of wanting to eat them as well.

Pizza is one of those things that I should not order or only order on rare occasions. I'm getting better about that too. Foods that are very high in carbs are the worst thing to have lying around the house. We have a few leftovers. I had two slices of cheese pizza for my late night snack. Not the healthiest choice, but available and I still did not binge.


It's isn't easy always making the right choices. I try not to beat myself up about it. If I did it would only lead me to feel worse and eat more. If I'm going to give in to food that can be a potential trigger, the best thing is to be mindful of how much food I order. Fight the temptation to hoard food. That's when extra food is ordered for late night feed. Watch intake portions. Try to freeze or put away leftovers as soon as possible. If I leave food out too long the possibility of my eating it increases. Having it out of site helps, but I would still need to set aside another late snack if I want to avoid eating high starch/carb foods late night.


Okay, so I didn't do so great with my choices tonight, but I did do well with not ordering extra food and not over eating late night. Still more baby steps.

March 20, 2014

Went out the other day to purchase more crackers and egg product. I have to buy these items in bulk because I eat them almost every day. Since paying close attention to my NES I've discovered that eating comes easier if I don't have to think about it much. I don't mind tussling with the million dollar question, "What's for dinner?", that's about as much thought as I can give for food preparation. My son, he's pretty easy. He likes to start his day with waffles or another favored freezer food. Sometimes he'll branch out and ask for eggs. Frittata served with crustless quiche is one of his favorite outside-of-the-box breakfasts. When dinner time rolls around there are high expectations. That is when we are most creative with food intake. Dinner time is when I can introduce new foods to my son and get a significant amount of veggies in him. I can't tell you how many parents have told me over the years how they wish they could get their kids to eat the veggies my son eats. So far is likes brussel sprouts, red potatoes, carrots, greens, spinach, squash, sweet potatoes, green beans, okra, mixed veggies, broccoli and asparagus. He will eat corn, but only appreciates it in a corn pudding. All of which were introduced during dinner. Dinner is the meal that is supposed to have several complex components. At least, that the way my son sees, so I take full advantage of his thought process. Otherwise it's the same old thing...which works for us.


We are coming up on our first anniversary. At risk of sounding sappy, I've just taken notice that I've been blogging consistently for almost one full month. March 25th will be our first month anniversary. I don't know if I'll be in the mindset to do anything particularly special that day. I hope so. I would love to show you all how much I appreciate you being here with me day after day. Reading my ramblings and sharing your comments. It means the world to me knowing I'm not alone. Thank you all so much for hanging in there with me so far. Hugs to you :-) Maybe you can help me think of something special or tell me what you may want to read about on that day. Perhaps you would like to share more about yourself that day. We have a couple days to think about it. Please share your thoughts.


I'm feeling a little better than yesterday. Not quite 100%. I think I am coming down with my son's cold, that's okay. As long as he's getting better I'll be alright. I'd love to make a pot of soup today, but my son hates soup. Soup represents sickness and he's not claiming to be that sick. Perhaps I will do a crustless pot pie kind of thing. We eat a lot of chicken. Maybe I'll cook a few fish.


A couple days ago I was really struggling with meal planning. I lucked up, because my son was not feeling well and didn't want too much to eat. He was happy with a simple chickenish dish or a sandwich. That's pretty much what I ate also. Last night he asked that I cook, so I did. We had a deconstructed chicken soup with turkey ham. I had all the components of a simple chicken and rice soup without the broth and I added chunks of turkey ham to make it a little different. He liked it. I enjoyed it as well. For the past couple days eating has been rudimentary at best. It was nice to enjoy eating a meal again.


Today around noon I had a pack of peanut butter crackers and water. I will try to eat lunch in the next hour or so. It will be eggs and cheese with toast and perhaps hot tea. Crustless chicken pot pie may be a little to much like what we've already had, so I'll continue sorting dinner out ad the day goes. Last night for my late snack I had the last serving of the deconstructed chicken soup with turkey ham. I enjoyed just as much the second time as I did the first. I did not crave to feed beyond my snack.

March 16, 2014

I was just thinking about today being Sunday and how I always get a little agitated about the weeks end coming to a close. It's almost like losing a protective covering, leaving me completely exposed to whatever comes in the days during the week and once again I wait for the protection of the weeks end to come.


There was a time, not so very long ago when I felt the exact opposite of what I feel today. It was during the time my parents were alive. Home was never a safe haven, not even as an adult. It was just a place to store my stuff and to lay my head when I had nowhere else to go. I relished the weekdays because I could escape into work which was and has been my safe place. Work is where I first received positive validation...positive anything for that matter. At work I was valued. I didn't have to worry about being perfect even though I'd strive to be. There was never any screaming or beatings at work. I was free to be who I am or who I thought I was...for the most part.


Weekends and holidays were a great source of stress. The stress became even greater when I moved away from home. The expectation was to visit with my parents every weekend. Saturdays were fine, but Sundays were preferred. Dad worked on Saturdays. On Sundays I would be tortured by both instead of just the one. I guess I've always been a source of entertainment for my parents, in the most manipulative, horrid kind of way. My mom, who is the main catalyst for weekend visits, would never sit still. No matter what, we could never have a decent conversation or simply sit in the same room. She was always on the move. Always working like a slave cleaning a house that was never dirty. I guess it didn't matter she never had the time or inclination to have a real visit with me. My purpose...to show her continued absolute control. I was still her obedient pet. When she called, I came.


Holidays were the worst. Again my mother would blow her proverbial whistle and there I'd sit by her side like a wasted appendage. I was a source of shame for them, unattractive, useless but still obedient. Her request for my presence simply rolls of her tongue. Never a consideration that I might want to do something else for the holiday. It didn't matter that I spent the entire day vomiting and crying before pulling the pieces together. Once again preparing for hell.


We'd always have dinner together, dad controlled the mealtimes. Even on the rare occasion family members were invited. Every time, like clock work, dad would wait unit mom was ready to serve dinner, then he'd announce that he had to go to his barber shop for something. He'd make all of us wait for hours before returning home. Not one morsel was to be consume until he returned, less there be hell to pay behind closed doors.


We ate the same meal holiday after holiday. Usually there would be silence at the table unless dad wanted to engage in negative gossip about someone. Mom sat in silence waiting for endless accolades about her meal.


After my divorce, mom always insisted that my son and I pack up and spend Christmas Eve night with them. Dear God, why?! If I were to say no...then most assuredly I need be prepared for the emotional gouging of the century. I gave up and gave in.


If thou hath dwelt in the belly of hell then let thy hell be brief.


Here we go again. I packed a bag, put my son in the car and headed out for my parent's house. It was late. Mom was overjoyed. Christmas carols playing, lights twinkling, cakes and pies baking.


Hell doth hath a sweet stench.


I prepared the pull out sofa in the family room and got my son ready for bed. He enjoyed running around from room to room and watching the lights on the tree. Dad would be in his room as usual, far away from anything resembling a family moment. I'd offer to help, but there was no need. I could never do anything right anyway, so I sat and offered idol chit chat.


Later that evening mom decided to sit in the family room with me and my sleeping child. My son and I are both heat sensitive and needed the room to be cool. Mom didn't mind much...I guess, she wrapped a blanket around herself and started a conversation. Soon dad walks in, asks mom is she's cold and proceeds to turn the heat up. I kindly asked that he not do that because my son and I could get sick. Dad in a fit of rage, begins the scream our being in HIS house and HIS wife being cold. He storms out of the family room leaving the heat on high. Mom turns to me and says, "You'll need to apologize to your dad." I'm not surprised. I apologized, for what I'm not sure, I just did. All was well, order and control once again regained. I'm done. This will never happen to me again.


The next day I announced to mom that I will never spend another Christmas Eve with them. From then on only on Christmas day and only because she insisted. Stunned, mom looks at me. I can see the wonder in her eyes. Did she already forget about last night? Oh, that's right. My feelings don't matter. I'm only to follow protocol. Needless to say, I found the courage never to put myself or my son in that position again. If only I could have always been so brave.


Today I ate breakfast at 8:57am. It was the usual. Lunch was around 3pm. I had 3 scrambled eggs, 2 pieces of cheese toast and water. For Dinner we had baked chicken breast, spinach casserole and baked corn pudding.


Last night I eat my cake with a scoop of frozen greek yogurt, vanilla. It was not as good as I imagined. I didn't enjoyed it, but I ate it anyway. There were no urges to continue feeding. Next time, I think I'll do without the cake all together...hopefully.

March 14, 2014

I've been scouting around looking for NES support groups with little luck. There is one lovely group that I've recently encountered that deal with eating disorders of all kinds. They didn't have much about NES. I posted on their wall and soon got a response from a couple lovely people who were very interested in my sharing on their page. I think it is awfully kind of them to allowed me to post this blog. Not sure how many from their page may read it, but I'm not so much worried about growing an audience as I am reaching people who are surviving or recovering from NES as well as those who are interested in knowing what it's like to live with NES in general.


As far as some support groups specifically for NES, there is little to no activity. I wonder if they are where I was not too long ago. In a place where they want to talk about NES, but don't have a lot to say about it or can't quite put into words their experience. I believe one day they will find their voices as I have and will be able to share much more. I certainly hope more studies are done on NES. I would love to be part of the committee that creates the instruments (questionnaires) for the studies. As you can tell, one of my super sized interests is human studies. I just can't get enough. That would explain why I spend so much time assessing myself and attempt to share my experience with NES from a whole person point of view. I think it is important to not only focus on the traits and habits of eating disorders, but the underlying root cause and mental state of a person who has an eating disorder. Eating disorders do not happen over night. It takes a period of time and number of circumstances before becoming a full blown eating disorder. I hope medical professionals are leading patients and clients into the realm of figuring out how their eating disorders developed. Retracing the development of an eating disorder may very well be the road map to recovery. 


Anyone who has suffered trauma of any sort should be screened for the potential of having or developing an eating disorder. I'm sure there are several variables that can be red-flagged as showing high or measurable potential for developing an eating disorder. Is this sort of thing in existence yet? I don't know. I'll have to check into that.


Anorexia is diagnosed when a person reaches a dangerously low body mass index. Wouldn't it be wonderful if a diagnosis could be rendered well before the low occurs. It seems to me that a person would stand a better chance of turning things around if they could get an earlier diagnosis and treatment. Better to know sooner than later...don't you think?


I'm still going to look for NES support groups online and local. Come to think of it, I would imagine many with NES symptoms are probably going to binging/purging/Bulimia support groups instead. That may be the ticket.


Time to turn in. Before I go, here's my eating update. Last night I could not fight off the urge to have my snack, so I did. It was a little smaller than usual, but not healthy...more baby steps. This morning I had a sudden urge to eat right around 8:30am. I ate a pack of peanut butter crackers and water. I wanted something else to eat around 10:30, but could not stomach the thought of making eggs or a sandwich, so I grabbed another pack of peanut butter crackers and had more water. Unfortunately, I forgot to eat this afternoon. No physical cues. For dinner I cooked a veggie, pasta, smoked turkey sausage dish which left me feeling satisfied for now. I can pretty much tell that I am going to want a snack tonight. I call feel it already. So, I will reserve a little of my dinner for my late night snack.


Oh, one other thing. I've been keeping up with my 5 minute exercise routine and I've added affirmation time after the fact. I don't know if this will work. My goal is to increase my awareness of healthy pleasures. Right after I complete my exercise, I take a few deep breaths and lie still, taking note of  how my body feels after exercising. Then I say affirming things to myself, such as, "I am worthy of feeling good," "I love myself and want to do good things for my mind, body and spirit." After I say my affirmation I return to my daily duties. This practice encourages me to take more time for myself  as I learn to enjoy being kinder to myself.

March 13, 2014

An amazing thing happened last night. While cleaning the kitchen and putting food away I decided that I did not want a late night snack. I don't know where this came from or why. Innately I knew if I needed to eat, food would be available. However, it really didn't matter because I did not want that snack.


At 1am, like clock work my mind rings the dinner bell. It's time to eat. I heard it...felt it too and refused to respond. I wish I knew where the strength came from. My mind called me to eat a couple more times and then I went to sleep. Thank you God! I don't know if it will be like that tonight. I have no idea how it happened, but I'm glad it did. It IS possible for me to make it through a night without eating. From this point forward all things are possible.


This morning at 10:27am, I ate peanut butter crackers and a glass water. For lunch at 1:37pm, I ate leftover broccoli, pasta with meat sauce and a glass of water. For dinner I will have leftover smothered chicken wings, brown rice and green beans and a glass of water.