Greetings everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. Yesterday was Mother's Day. I hope you do not think me rude for not having some sort of Mother's day post. I could not think of what I wanted to say about the day beyond plans with my extended family. Mother's day is a day filled with mixed emotions. On the one hand I celebrate being a mom and all that it entails. I don't always love every aspect of being a parent, but I'm in love with what parenting is...what it's supposed to be. On the other hand, I am wounded by having a mom who was not emotionally present; a mom who could not protect me or herself from the constant abuse inflicted upon us. How do I cherish the memories of a mom who stood on the other side of the bedroom door listening to my hell? I don't know. What I do know is that I made the day special for me. It was all about me, my son and family moments. I thank God for blessing me to be a participant in the greatest journey on earth...being a mom. So I celebrate in the spirit of motherhood with all the moms of the world, who like me, adore what they do and who they do for.
Being a mom is why it's so very important to be the best me I can be. I can't wait to meet the healthier me. I can't wait to see what all that person can achieve. I can't wait to see how the new me influences my son. I can't imagine what it will be like to look into a mirror and finally see..."Me."
All of my Mother's day plans went well. We had all the foods that we liked and sipped on beverages of our choosing. The atmosphere was light and filled with laughter...just as it should be.
I was a little worried about having so much food prepared. I'm proud to say that I did not binge over the weekend. I didn't overdue it with the sweets or anything. I ate regular portions at appropriate times and it was all good. For the first time in my life I realize that can do this. I really can. I will not see failure. Commitment is solidly in place and change has already begun. The chain that binds is finally loosening. I will succeed.
I ate breakfast at 11:15am. I had one slice of rye bread with two mini quiche, two pieces of fish and a cup of coffee, decaf. Lunch will be more of the same without the bread or coffee. Instead I will have water with my lunch. Dinner will be jambalaya.
Showing posts with label Commitment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Commitment. Show all posts
Monday, May 12, 2014
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Empowerment - April 5, 2014
Stating my truth from new depths is proving to be beneficial. The moment I openly admitted to pacifying my mind, something opened and strength flowed in. I felt it, but couldn't identify it right away. It wasn't until later that night when I put my foot down and decided to schedule mealtimes that I knew for sure something inside of my changed. I was not going to allow my mind to control my eating anymore. I was not going to pacify it and give into it any longer. In that moment I felt empowered. Yeah, it felt as though I conquered something...that I put it to rest. I'd won.
Could it be...dare I say...how is it that I am so empowered by simply admitting a truth?
By nature I am a logical person, but I am not operating out of a place of logic right now. It's different. I want so much to take out my little pointer, wave it in front of a flip board and say, "This led to this, which caused this to occur. Therefore it is evident that this will be the outcome." But I can't. All I have right now are feelings of a power that I've never felt before. I feel as though I’m freed from one of the many chains that bind me. It’s nice to have this sudden strength.
I didn't hesitate to eat this morning. My son woke me up pretty early, 5:30am. He didn't do it on purpose. He was laughing at something on tv. I jumped up when I heard the sudden noise. Still dazed from sleep, I sat back down to allow my mind a few minutes to clear before getting back up to check on him. When I saw that he was okay I went back to bed. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I began to pray and got lost in my thoughts. It wasn't long before I was consumed with hunger. It's 6:30am. I never eat this early...not even crackers or a piece of bread. I went into the kitchen, heated up a small portion of a leftover rice dish and ate. It's not at the scheduled time, but why wait? I feel good about eating so early and I didn't feel nauseous. It's as if I've reclaimed a part of my mind that had been damaged for a long time. No more giving into the mental masturbation that destructive behaviors often loan themselves to. Am I truly free from this?
Calm down...I've got to calm down and see where this takes me. I don't want to jump to conclusions. It's way too early for that. One day at a time...one step at a time. That is the pace.
I’m going to stand on faith and believe that I can maintain this strength through the rest of the day. I’ll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.
Lunch was at 12:30pm. I ate 2 scrambled eggs with approximately 2 tbls. of the leftover rice dish, just for flavor, and 2 slices of toast. I'm planning on having a snack today around 3-4pm. I think I'll have a pack of crackers. Dinner is still on for 6:30-7:30. Tonight is going to be a movie night, so I am allowing myself popcorn for the event.
Monday, March 31, 2014
March 31, 2014
Greetings everyone! I hope you've had a wonderful weekend and a happy Monday. I enjoyed taking time for myself over the weekend to get away from everything and relax. I still have my usual anxiety about starting a new week, but today has been good.
I'm looking forward to sharing some of the thoughts and epiphanies that I've had over the weekend. As always, I hope to hear from you as well. Your comments are always an inspiration to me. It's getting pretty late, so this post will be short. My eating is still not where it needs to be, but I am making progress with my exercises to be committed to myself and the things that I need to do to achieve healing and a healthier relationship with myself and food.
It's has been difficult to do anything favorable for myself. Even simple things like oiling my skin a couple times a day or exercising for 5 minutes per day. I find as I continue working to love myself that I am becoming more aware of myself and the things that I find favorable about myself. I've been thinking about the little girl within. No, I have not written a letter to her yet. I've been dealing with feelings of anger towards my parents and I don't know if I should address those feelings in my letter. There is a profound sense of loss...a life wasted on nothing but survival. I think about the many talents that I had as a child and lost over the course of time. My mind drifts into thoughts of what I could have been had I had loving supportive parents. Would I have been an accomplished musician, author of a book, psychologist, anything I could have put my mind too? Would I have done well at Princeton or Yale, two schools that I was on track for, before throwing in the towel due to my parents lack of interest and support. I wanted to beat myself up for not trying harder, but how could I? I'd been fighting for survival all my life. I was tired of fighting. Instead I gave into physical needs, such as self medicating with food or alcohol.
I spent most of my adulthood blaming my parents for my lack of success. It all comes down to my inability to see my own self worth. To see myself as capable of attending any university that I desired if I just did the work. I gave up on myself. I gave up on life. I find myself wishing that I could turn back time to regain some of what was lost. I can't see being able to accomplish all that I could have then...now. I'm so much older and very tired. Will I be able to accomplish even a faction of what I once was capable of? I don't know. Dare I say it seems impossible. I have so much work to do on myself and so many responsibilities to my son and business. How will I ever manage to have the time and strength and commitment it takes to accomplish anything else? I'm not going to worry about that now. I can't. I feel the weight of this burden getting heavy and I don't need that right now. Stay focused. Only take on that which is necessary for today.
As I was saying earlier. Asides from exploring feelings of anger and loss, I also noticed some improvement of my ability to do healthy things for myself. I have acute eczema which requires putting time into skin daily regimens. I must put on steroid cream and moisturizers several times a day. Prior to this past weekend, it was like pulling teeth to take time for this task. I'd put it off later and later in the day until I'd sometimes go to bed without moisturizer or medicine at all. I've done this quite a few times and have regretted it everytime. This weekend, I found it easier and less of a trial to do. Even when my mind tried to tell me to put it off, I found the strength to say, "No, I will not put this off. It's only going to take a couple minutes and then I'll be done." Again, I know this is a small thing, but when you are damaged to the point where even the small things are colossal, all measures of improvement are cause to celebrate. One tiny step for me...one huge step toward repairing my broken heart and spirit.
Another accomplishment that I experienced over the weekend was having cake in the house and not being triggered to binge. I actually bought one of those Sara Lee butter pound cakes last week because I was craving something sweet, but didn't want anything too sweet. Pound cake was just the thing. In the past, if I had cake in the house I would cut a slice everytime I walked by, but not this time. This time was different. I had a slice of cake after my evening meals and that would be good enough. I seem to be having less and less cravings for sweets and when I do, I only want a small amount. I've even purchased take out 3 times this past week and did order extra food for a binge. One time we had chicken with okra, and fries, another night we had hoagies. I could barely finish half of my sandwich and surprisingly had the other half for the next day...not my late night snack. We also had burgers on Tuesday. I didn't enjoy it. I'm thinking that I want to take a break from burgers for awhile. That's pretty huge.
As I mentioned earlier, I'm not at the point where I'm eating as much as I'd like during the day, but I am doing well with eating much less at night. My late night snacks are shrinking in size as well. The struggle with daytime eating is getting a little worse. I'm experiencing many ups and downs with that, but I'm still holding strong. This week I will focus more on eating better during the day. Since I'm becoming more receptive to doing better for myself, maybe I will have an easier time convincing myself to eat. Hmm, convincing myself to eat. I think that's the first time I've ever put it into words. Okay, another note to self. Be aware of difficulty levels as I work on convincing myself to eat during the day.
I'm hoping to soon include exercise in my daily routine. Once I am able to establish a healthy exercise routine, I will begin posting about weight loss progress. Trust me, I'm going to need all the support I can get when that time comes. Losing weight is a huge issue for me. We'll talk about that more when the time comes.
Today was not a good eating day even though the day went well. I ate a pack of cheese and chive crackers around 3:30pm. I ate another meal consisting of a small portion of left over veggies and mac-n-cheese around 5:40pm. I have not eaten anything else. It is 9:26pm. It's got to get better. Glad I'm able to feed my son better than I feed myself.
Well, it seems that I had more to say than I originally intended. I'm so glad that I took the time to write this post tonight. I don't want to wimp out or take too long of a break from blogging. Especially since blogging has been so instrumental when processing my feelings and difficulties.
I'm looking forward to sharing some of the thoughts and epiphanies that I've had over the weekend. As always, I hope to hear from you as well. Your comments are always an inspiration to me. It's getting pretty late, so this post will be short. My eating is still not where it needs to be, but I am making progress with my exercises to be committed to myself and the things that I need to do to achieve healing and a healthier relationship with myself and food.
It's has been difficult to do anything favorable for myself. Even simple things like oiling my skin a couple times a day or exercising for 5 minutes per day. I find as I continue working to love myself that I am becoming more aware of myself and the things that I find favorable about myself. I've been thinking about the little girl within. No, I have not written a letter to her yet. I've been dealing with feelings of anger towards my parents and I don't know if I should address those feelings in my letter. There is a profound sense of loss...a life wasted on nothing but survival. I think about the many talents that I had as a child and lost over the course of time. My mind drifts into thoughts of what I could have been had I had loving supportive parents. Would I have been an accomplished musician, author of a book, psychologist, anything I could have put my mind too? Would I have done well at Princeton or Yale, two schools that I was on track for, before throwing in the towel due to my parents lack of interest and support. I wanted to beat myself up for not trying harder, but how could I? I'd been fighting for survival all my life. I was tired of fighting. Instead I gave into physical needs, such as self medicating with food or alcohol.
I spent most of my adulthood blaming my parents for my lack of success. It all comes down to my inability to see my own self worth. To see myself as capable of attending any university that I desired if I just did the work. I gave up on myself. I gave up on life. I find myself wishing that I could turn back time to regain some of what was lost. I can't see being able to accomplish all that I could have then...now. I'm so much older and very tired. Will I be able to accomplish even a faction of what I once was capable of? I don't know. Dare I say it seems impossible. I have so much work to do on myself and so many responsibilities to my son and business. How will I ever manage to have the time and strength and commitment it takes to accomplish anything else? I'm not going to worry about that now. I can't. I feel the weight of this burden getting heavy and I don't need that right now. Stay focused. Only take on that which is necessary for today.
As I was saying earlier. Asides from exploring feelings of anger and loss, I also noticed some improvement of my ability to do healthy things for myself. I have acute eczema which requires putting time into skin daily regimens. I must put on steroid cream and moisturizers several times a day. Prior to this past weekend, it was like pulling teeth to take time for this task. I'd put it off later and later in the day until I'd sometimes go to bed without moisturizer or medicine at all. I've done this quite a few times and have regretted it everytime. This weekend, I found it easier and less of a trial to do. Even when my mind tried to tell me to put it off, I found the strength to say, "No, I will not put this off. It's only going to take a couple minutes and then I'll be done." Again, I know this is a small thing, but when you are damaged to the point where even the small things are colossal, all measures of improvement are cause to celebrate. One tiny step for me...one huge step toward repairing my broken heart and spirit.
Another accomplishment that I experienced over the weekend was having cake in the house and not being triggered to binge. I actually bought one of those Sara Lee butter pound cakes last week because I was craving something sweet, but didn't want anything too sweet. Pound cake was just the thing. In the past, if I had cake in the house I would cut a slice everytime I walked by, but not this time. This time was different. I had a slice of cake after my evening meals and that would be good enough. I seem to be having less and less cravings for sweets and when I do, I only want a small amount. I've even purchased take out 3 times this past week and did order extra food for a binge. One time we had chicken with okra, and fries, another night we had hoagies. I could barely finish half of my sandwich and surprisingly had the other half for the next day...not my late night snack. We also had burgers on Tuesday. I didn't enjoy it. I'm thinking that I want to take a break from burgers for awhile. That's pretty huge.
As I mentioned earlier, I'm not at the point where I'm eating as much as I'd like during the day, but I am doing well with eating much less at night. My late night snacks are shrinking in size as well. The struggle with daytime eating is getting a little worse. I'm experiencing many ups and downs with that, but I'm still holding strong. This week I will focus more on eating better during the day. Since I'm becoming more receptive to doing better for myself, maybe I will have an easier time convincing myself to eat. Hmm, convincing myself to eat. I think that's the first time I've ever put it into words. Okay, another note to self. Be aware of difficulty levels as I work on convincing myself to eat during the day.
I'm hoping to soon include exercise in my daily routine. Once I am able to establish a healthy exercise routine, I will begin posting about weight loss progress. Trust me, I'm going to need all the support I can get when that time comes. Losing weight is a huge issue for me. We'll talk about that more when the time comes.
Today was not a good eating day even though the day went well. I ate a pack of cheese and chive crackers around 3:30pm. I ate another meal consisting of a small portion of left over veggies and mac-n-cheese around 5:40pm. I have not eaten anything else. It is 9:26pm. It's got to get better. Glad I'm able to feed my son better than I feed myself.
Well, it seems that I had more to say than I originally intended. I'm so glad that I took the time to write this post tonight. I don't want to wimp out or take too long of a break from blogging. Especially since blogging has been so instrumental when processing my feelings and difficulties.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Investigating Commitment - March 24, 2014
Tomorrow is our first month anniversary. I promise not to go crazy and talk about anniversaries every month. Our next major milestone will be at 6 months and then 1 year. I still can't believe its been a month already, feels like it's only been a few days. In essence, it has only been a few days, I guess. Nonetheless, this is a major deal.
Clearly I've had and still do have commitment issues with blogging, exercising and other healthy habits. I don't seem to have any trouble committing to wanting a healthier existence or figuring out how to live a healthier existence. Where my difficulty lies is committing to some of the steps it takes to achieve a healthier existence. There's a huge difference between the two. Does that make sense? It seems kind of weird to me, albeit a fact.
I'm going to take a closer look at this thing called commitment. Its no secret that I am in awe of people who are able to overcome insurmountable odds. I wonder what it's like to have the level of commitment it takes to achieve such extraordinary goals. How do they do that? What is the thing that propels them towards success? And why can't I manage to hold onto the inspiration received from hearing their stories?
The best course to take on this leg of my journey is to begin with the definition of that which is the "stuff" of inspirational motivation...commitment. Here are a couple definitions.
The first definition for commitment is functional enough, but rather boring. I'd much prefer to use the second definition found in Urban Dictionary, and it reads:
1.
Clearly I've had and still do have commitment issues with blogging, exercising and other healthy habits. I don't seem to have any trouble committing to wanting a healthier existence or figuring out how to live a healthier existence. Where my difficulty lies is committing to some of the steps it takes to achieve a healthier existence. There's a huge difference between the two. Does that make sense? It seems kind of weird to me, albeit a fact.
I'm going to take a closer look at this thing called commitment. Its no secret that I am in awe of people who are able to overcome insurmountable odds. I wonder what it's like to have the level of commitment it takes to achieve such extraordinary goals. How do they do that? What is the thing that propels them towards success? And why can't I manage to hold onto the inspiration received from hearing their stories?
The best course to take on this leg of my journey is to begin with the definition of that which is the "stuff" of inspirational motivation...commitment. Here are a couple definitions.
com·mit·ment
kəˈmitmənt/
noun
noun: commitment; plural noun: commitments
- 1.the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc."the company's commitment to quality"
synonyms: dedication, devotion, allegiance, loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity
1.
Commitment is what
Transforms the promise into reality.
It is the words that speak
Boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak
Louder than the words.
It is making the time
When there is none.
Coming through time
After time after time,
Year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff
Character is made of;
The power to change
The face of things.
It is the daily triumph
Of integrity over skepticism.
Transforms the promise into reality.
It is the words that speak
Boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak
Louder than the words.
It is making the time
When there is none.
Coming through time
After time after time,
Year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff
Character is made of;
The power to change
The face of things.
It is the daily triumph
Of integrity over skepticism.
When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard.
by Ashbash January 13, 2005
This is the very thing that I want to achieve...the ability to commit to that which will helps facilitate mental, physical and spiritual healing...CHANGE!
Today I ate breakfast at 11:38am. I had a small portion of leftover rice with chicken, tomatoes and okra with a cup of water. Since I ate breakfast late, I had a snack at 3:47pm. I ate turkey ham, cheese and crackers with a cup of water. I also shared the cinnamon bun with my son this afternoon, right after snack. For Dinner I had the remainder of leftover rice, chicken and veggies with 4 fresh salmon fritters and water. For my late night snack I will have a small bowl of raisin bran cereal and milk.
Tomorrow I will resume taking 5 minutes to exercise.
"I have hope for a healthier tomorrow because I know the rest of my life begins today."
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