Monday, June 23, 2014

June 23, 2014

It's Monday afternoon. I'm doing pretty well. Still have not eaten today, but I'm working on it. It's been 4 nights of insomnia already. I have had insomnia episodes last as long as 2 weeks. I really don't mind because there's always so much I could be doing.

My body's starting to get a little tired. I'm moving slower today. My mind is very alert right now. I'm still getting sleepy between the hours of 6 and 8pm, but shorty afterwards I am fully awake and alert well into the wee hours of the morning. I'm not allowing myself to take naps when I feel sleepy. I don't want to help the non-sleep process that I'm going through.

I've been very productive for the last 3 nights and I wake up feeling like I'm ready to do so much more. Being an insomniac has it's perks.

I've been very good about not binging late night. Even with cake and cookies in the house. It's odd isn't it? I guess I can attribute some of that to not stressing about falling asleep. I'm enjoying myself too much. However, my daytime eating is suffering. I don't understand why I can't get daytime and nighttime eating in sync. Seems when I get one under control the other wants to get whacky. Why is that? And how do I combat it? I'm gonna have to pray about this and look to see what I can find to help me figure this out.

Okay it is 2:39pm, I'm off to get fix myself something to eat. Hope you all are having a good day. And remember not to beat yourselves up if you have trouble eating like you should today. Don't stress about it, just try to do better. It will get better in time.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Insomnia Continues - June 21, 2014

Here I am. It is fast approaching another evening and I wonder if the insomnia will continue. Last night was insomnia night #3. Though I am still unable to settle into sleep before 5am, I am thankful to be calmer and more comfortable. Fortunately I do not experience many nights as I described in my last post. I shudder to think.

The insomnia is not so bad now that the anxiety has dissipated. I'm starting to enjoy the time. Sometimes I spend time in my good thoughts. Other times I may have memories and write my feelings and emotions down. I may even chose to watch a tv program or play a game. If I'm not anxious or looping in past memories the need to sleep is not so prevalent. Periods of insomnia are something that I've experienced all my life. I've learned to enjoy the time and make good use of it rather than stressing over the inability to sleep.

My eating has been okay. Day before yesterday I ate fairly well during daylight hours and managed to only eat a pre-measured snack late night. Yesterday I was pleasantly surprised by a friend who called to let me know she had lots of fresh produce for me. In my excitement I completely forgot to eat. Later that afternoon I mentioned getting a bite to eat, but opted out of getting take out. I wanted to eat something healthy, delicious and home cooked.

After returning home, I rested for a bit and began going through the bags of produce. I still feel giddy when I think of all the lovely veggies brought to us. I am grateful! Thank you, my very dear friend and spiritual sister for being so kind to share with us.

The thought of eating crossed my mind, but again I quickly dismissed. It wasn't hard, after all, I had such a wonderful distraction. As it was getting well into the evening I noticed the time and fear struck me in my core. It was after 6pm and I still had not eaten. I took a moment to assess myself. I didn't feel hungry or cranky. My energy level was good. I am okay so far, but I did wonder if I would experience pain after eating because I waited so late in the day having nothing other than a drink of water so far. I thought about crackers, but changed my mind. I thought about a sandwich, but changed my mind again. While all of this was going on I was working on preparing some of the produce for freezing and cooking dinner. Dinner was very late. I finished about 10pm. I prepared a dish with brown rice, veggies and smoked turkey of our favorites. My son had eaten something else earlier and went to bed.

I felt it best, since not having eaten a morsel, that I should eat a little dinner immediately and then have a little bit more later. It worked out for me. Eating small portions of something semi soft went over much better than any kind of fast or fried food. I did not feel guilty for eating another small portion around 3am. It wasn't like having the late night snack I would have intended, but rather a completion of having at least 2 meals within 24 hours.

Last night could have been the perfect opportunity to binge without guilt, in a way, because I could justify it by not having anything to eat earlier. That was my old way of thinking. I am appreciating my new way of thinking even more as I continue moving forward on this journey. Instead of thinking in terms of less being more, I am thinking more about what is healthy and reasonable. Whenever I do mess up, I recognize and understand that it happens sometimes. I don't make excuses. I just try to do better. That is where I am today.

I've done a little better with my eating today. I did not have breakfast. For lunch I ate scrambled eggs with a veggie medley. Tonight for a special treat I am making my son crescent rolls stuffed with turkey pepperoni and cheese. I am having my version of crab rangoons. Our side will be a beautiful mixture of broccoli greens and beet greens sautéed in a little olive oil, garlic and onions. Can you tell that I am starting to enjoy cooking a little more? 

All is well for me today and I pray for a good tomorrow. 

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Insomnia Night #1 - June 19, 2014

The last few days haven't been so bad. My nighttime feedings seemed to be slowly fading away until last night.

I don't know what was going on with me last night. I could not sleep no matter how hard I tried. I even had a couple glasses of wine and that didn't help. As a matter of fact, I didn't enjoy the wine at all. I started snacking. First I got a hand full of chips. The taste was awful and I struggled to eat them. Even though I struggled I didn't stop until the last one was gone. Unsatisfied I continued to toss and turn again. Things were different last night. It wasn't my mind roaming through the kitchen as it has in the past, it was my emotional state that was searching for comfort. I just wanted to relax and go to sleep.

My mind was racing. Bad thoughts creeping in...memories of my past that I really didn't want to deal with...not tonight. I can't seem to calm myself. I'm pacing the floor and visiting the bathroom frequently to look at my self in the mirror. I reminded myself to love myself, but that wasn't the issue. My love for myself is growing. This wasn't about self it was simply about comfort. I was emotionally and physically uncomfortable. Could it be hormones? I am of that age. Could this be PTSD? I think I'm becoming hyper vigilant. Starting to feel like something's going to happen. What the hell?! I just want to go to sleep.

I check on my son. He's sleeping peacefully and so is our little Ginger. I check the locks on the doors and make sure all the windows are shut. I turn on the back light to see if anything is going on outside. I peer out of the front window and everything is still.

Everything is fine, but I still can't sleep.

I've been praying more lately. Mostly being thankful for all God has graciously done for me. I felt fine while praying last night...I think. As the night went on the feeling of being out of sorts increased. I should have been paying more attention. As I recall, memories started coming in a couple nights ago. It wasn't too terribly bad...the usual. I did have a nightmare a few nights ago also. One of those reoccurring nightmares where I'm running from something or someone the entire time. I am so exhausted after a night of running in my dreams. I usually remember these thing and take mental note of them, but I didn't this time. I hate being this way.

I tossed and turned for another hour or so and then I went back to the kitchen. I need comfort. What will give me comfort? And then I cream. That's it! Usually when I eat something sweet is sooths me right to sleep. I had one twix ice cream bar left. This should do it. I ate the ice cream and waited for the sugar to kick in. I think I felt a little comforted, but it wasn't enough. Not to mention I didn't even enjoy the taste. It's like my mind stopped working properly and my taste buds became overly sensitive. The salt from the chips actually burned my tongue a little. That was a first. The taste of everything was over-exaggerated.

What's else can I do? There's nothing. I could take a sleep aide, but I don't because my son may call for me in the middle of the night. Sometimes he has nose bleeds or needs albuterol. I have to be able to hear him if he needs me. I'm so tired. Tired of going to the kitchen. It's not working for me anyway. Tired of walking around the house checking to see if everything is okay. Tired of flipping from side to side in my bed. I've gotta go to sleep. I can't take this funky feeling anymore. Need to sleep.

I'm no stranger to insomnia. Usually it's welcomed. Sleepless hours are the time when I get lots of writing done or perhaps work on a drawing. I quite enjoy the quite stillness of the house, however, I didn't feel the joy last night. I hope tonight is better. I'm still not quite myself. Past memories are still haunting me. If it gets bad for me again tonight I'm going to do something different. I'm going to exorcise. Why didn't I think of that last night? I can do some stretches and deep breathing, maybe even try meditation. That's it! Choose to take a healthier path and a healthier view of what's happening. I can't stop it, so I'm going to have to manage it. 

My eating today was not too good. I ate my first meal around 1:30 and only then because I continue to fear waiting too long to eat and experiencing the dreaded pain and discomfort afterwards. When I did decide to eat I had something light. It was left over orzo with tomatoes and veggies. That settled well on my stomach. For dinner we had a vegetable medley and oven baked popcorn shrimp.

Tonight I will pray as I usual and hope the bad images in my head fade again. I used to get angry when this happened. How could my parents be such pigs and do what they did to me! Why couldn't I have been precious in their eyes? I don't get that angry anymore. It's not worth it. I loved my parents...despite what they did. I had no one else to love and they were all I knew. I just wish the bad memories would go away. I'm beginning to make some peace with what they did to me. It's easier when I am able to feel self worth. I'm getting better about feeling self worth. Okay...I've put my thoughts to paper. Perhaps I will find a measure of peace from this. Tomorrow is another day.

Goodnight my friends, pleasant dreams.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Why Write About NES? - June 16, 2014

Last night I started thinking about why there are few people who write about their eating disorders. I can't say that I've come up with what I'd consider a definitive answer, but I will say that giving thought to the question was an eye opening experience.

When the question of why more people don't write about their eating disorders popped up in my head I had to question myself as to why I am one who wants to write about it. First and foremost, I want Night Eating Syndrome (NES) to be seen as a "real" eating disorder. Right now there's not enough information on the subject and there are so many out there are suffering from NES and have nowhere to go and few resources to tap into. There are a couple books, one of which is a very good book, "Overcoming Night Eating Syndrome: A Step-by-Step Guide to Breaking the Cycle." I bought this book 4 years ago when I finally decided to take my eating disorder seriously. I'd been working some things out on my own and thought it would be good to have a book to reference. To my surprise I was doing remarkable well and could check off many of the items mentioned in the book. I strongly recommend this book if you want to know more about NES and are looking for ways to combat this disorder.

Here's a little more information about the book.

Even thought "Overcoming Night Eating Syndrome: A Step-by-Step Guide to Breaking The Cycle" is a very good book, I still needed to know more. There are other books out there, but their view is from a clinical/scientific/research viewpoint. That's not good enough. I want to hear from those who live with this disorder everyday. I don't mind statistics, but what about the human element. Let's not forget that.

I also purchased another book, "Eating Disorders: The Common Disorders Including Bulimia, Anorexia and Bing (not my typo this is verbatim) Eating, and Less Common Disorders Including Pica, Night Eating Syndrome, Purging Disorders, Etc. Edited by Dakota Stevens From High Quality Wikipedia Articles." Yes this is exactly what's written on the cover. The most I can say about this book...I should have gotten my money back. It was a joke, literally something that I could have looked up for free on Wikipedia. I will give them this much, there were honest about their source. How ever did I come across this book, there's not even a link for it.

I found it! It took some doing. I searched on Google, Amazon, Bing, Barnes and Noble and finally had to go back to Google and do a search by the barcode number to get information on this book to come up. Here it is...

"Hunger Pains: The Modern Woman's Tragic Quest for Thinness" is another good book. It does not talk about NES so much as it talks about the development of eating disorders, mainly Bulimia and Anorexia Nervosa. It's a good book if you want to investigate possible causes or as I call it "roots" to developing ED. As I always say, you cannot completely combat and problem without attacking it at the root.

Here's a link to more information about Hunger Pains

No matter how many "how to" and informational books are out there on any subject, there is nothing like hearing the story from the person who lived it. I miss reading about personal trails and vindicating moments, thought process and how life plays its role. It's those kinds of things that I would like to read about.

When I first decided to write about NES, I didn't know where to start nor where to go with it. I'm still figuring it out as I go. What I know for sure that I definitely don't want to fill the readers heads with statistics and general facts. I want the readers of my story to know what I am feeling and what affects me. I wanted to share what my life was like at the beginning of this journey into hell and what my life is like as I begin to climb my way out. It is those things that make more sense to me. Numbers are for mathematicians. Words are for those who want to experience the fullness and richness of an experience in a way that we can connect to.

This morning, I woke up hungry and filled with anticipation about the first meal of the day. I also plan on having a sandwich for lunch and possibly trying a new recipe for dinner. I haven't decided what to cook yet, but I look forward to preparing it and eating it. I like that. I like looking forward to enjoying a healthy meal.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

June 15, 2014

Hey everyone! I'm still here, taking it one day at a time. I haven't been writing much because I've been catching up on many other things that I've put on back burners. For one, I really needed to clean my office. It was a complete and total disaster.

Truth is...I have a strong aversion to snail mail. I don't like dealing with it so I stack it in piles, put it in bags or boxes and try to forget it's there. I've hated mail since my single digit years. It all started with the back of a cereal box. My favorite cereal had a cut out on the back of the box. The instructions were to answer the questions and follow simple instructions, place all requested items in an envelope and mail. What we were to get in return was a host of cool toys. I followed the instructions as requested and excitedly put my envelope in the mail. I waited with great anticipation and pride for sending out my first piece of mail. How cool was it going to be to receive a letter written to me? I waited and waited for weeks, checking the mail several times a day. Finally the great day arrived when my mom handed me an envelope with my name on it. I stared at it for a few moments and then tore into it to gain my prizes. A dark cloud came over me as I stared at a few chintzy paper objects. Where were the great toys they promised?! I was all a lie. I threw everything away and never cared to see another piece of mail again. Sad to say I still feel the same way. There's something very wrong with adults not seeming to care about lying to children, but all hell fire and brimstone to the child who knowingly tells a lie, even if forced to do so.

Hmm, maybe that's why I felt such a perverse pleasure in selling confessions to the goodie two shoe children having nothing to confess on Fridays. After all, it was mandatory to confess every Friday no matter what. As children we were forced to share our secrets or tell lies to people who could do no more for us than to tell us how may Hail Mary's to say.

When I was 4 or 5 years old I enquired about babies and where they came from. I didn't much care how they got into the stomachs of mommies. I was more curious about how they got out. As usual, when I pursued an answer I went full throttle. After having cornered my mother in the kitchen for several minutes of intense inquiry, a few lies later she points to the garden and instructs me to check the cabbage patch for babies. This was her last ditch effort to get me off her back and redirect my attention, especially since I clearly wasn't going for the babies are brought home by storks bit. So, I ran out to the cabbage patch, spending the next several hours carefully checking under each cabbage multiple times. By the beginning of sunset I realized that my efforts were fruitless and once again I'd been told a lie. I was livid. I stormed up to the house, threw open the back door and screamed to the top of my lungs, "YOU LIED! I bet you don't know where babies really come anyway!" And I stormed off to my room where I sat stewing in my mother's deceit.

Funny how the simplest things from childhood still affect me, even to this today. It is because of my mother's lies that I refused to tell a lie to my son. I don't know if that's a totally good thing or not. My son will never know the common joys of childhood fairytales like Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy. Life though joyful and filled with love can be very matter of fact. I hope he doesn't look back on his life with the level of scourge that I have for my past. I hope that he will appreciate truth as much as I would have, had I'd been given the chance to experience it.

I've been doing quite well with my daytime eating. I'm at the point where my body wants to eat and my mind is settled for now. It's really a fear of the discomfort I feel when starting to eat too late in the day. I'm thankful for that fear as it has given me the will and the drive to make sure that I get in at least two really good meals during the day.

Nighttime has been a little more challenging. I've not had a major binge, but I am still binging most nights. Since the last time I've posted I had only a couple successful nights. I am aware that I am having these urges and I am doing all I can to break the cycle again. If I need to eat, I try to get something small. I usually have two small servings of something before feeling like I can go to sleep. Another part of the problem is I'm eating later at night. Dinner time has not been at the previously scheduled time. I find myself eating dinner around 9-10pm. I'm not going to spaz out about this because I don't need to fill my head with guilt. That will only make matter worse. I'll just keep trying to work my way back to a better dinner time and one small snack before bed.

In these past few weeks I've been more active than I have been for quite some time. It's all of the reorganizing and hauling out unneeded stuff. I've noticed that I feel physically better and I want to keep feeling this way. The good thing is that I'm starting to exercise a little. I've not done so everyday, but I've exercised for several days and working hard to continue. I feel so much better when I've been active. I had forgotten how being active made me feel. Most of the time I'm working at my desk which leaves me with little more than a wide, flat posterior. I feel exhausted at the end of the day and could not pinpoint why. When active, I'm tired at the end of the day, but still able to function and my mind is very alert. Yep, it's time to tighten up...literally and sweat my way back to a healthier lifestyle.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

June 4, 2014

I'm still here. Guess you can tell that I've been having a little bit of a hard time these past few weeks.

I'm okay sometimes and sometimes I'm not.

Sometimes things get so heavy that I have to pull back into myself which is my safe place.

Have I fallen completely? No, but I have fallen. I'm still eating pretty well during the day and I continue working towards making healthy food choices. Can you feel the 'but' coming? But, I've been eating more at night, more than I'm comfortable with. I haven't done what I consider a full binge. I have had 2-3 small snacks during late night hours. It starts of innocent enough. I'll get a fruit cup and then a few minutes later I'll heat up some left overs. There was one night I topped off two small servings of leftovers with a slice of bread. I don't even know why I bothered. I just needed to have it and then I felt satisfied.

The good thing is I see and acknowledge what's happening and I'm working again to right the wrongs.

I still haven't started exercising. I don't feel motivated, but at the same time I'm still doing affirmations and continuing to feel better about myself. It seems strange that it's happening this way. I can't quite make sense of it, but I'm going with it. Any measure of good works for me.

I really can't complain. I mean...there are quite a few good things that have been happening this week. I should have written more, but I didn't. In the past few weeks, not only have I felt more compassion for myself, I find that it's getting less difficult to do kind things for myself like taking better care of my eczema. I'm still making better choices about food and I'm still warding off cooking too much or purchasing extra foods when getting take-out. I'm still drinking a sufficient amount of water and I will by no means go past a certain point before eating during the day, otherwise I feel sick and I don't like feeling sick. At best, I'm eating 2 full meals during the day and sometimes a small snack. Night time is getting more difficult for me.

So this is where I am for now.

Tomorrow is the fist day of the rest of my life and if I am blessed to see tomorrow I will work even harder to make better decisions for myself. As for now, I feel love for myself and it feels good. Perhaps a miracle will come out of my new found love. In the meantime, I am grateful for the good things that are in my life.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Thankful To Be...

I am mourning the loss of a great and wonderful person, Maya Angelou. It may seem a little strange that I'm writing about her here. What better place than to talk about a person who continues to inspire me even after her passing. A person who reminds me to live freely today and not worry about tomorrow. She re-instilled a desire in me to strive to be my personal best. I am more focused on what I have, not what I feel I don't have. My glass has always been half full, but I've been taught to see it as empty.

Today I will enjoy being...

Whatever state of being I am in, I will be...

I give thanks for all that I have as I have been blessed mightily over the years.

"Though I may not get exactly what I want when I want it, I always have what I need and I know someday I will be better than I've ever been."