Insomnia Continues - June 21, 2014

Here I am. It is fast approaching another evening and I wonder if the insomnia will continue. Last night was insomnia night #3. Though I am still unable to settle into sleep before 5am, I am thankful to be calmer and more comfortable. Fortunately I do not experience many nights as I described in my last post. I shudder to think.

The insomnia is not so bad now that the anxiety has dissipated. I'm starting to enjoy the time. Sometimes I spend time in my good thoughts. Other times I may have memories and write my feelings and emotions down. I may even chose to watch a tv program or play a game. If I'm not anxious or looping in past memories the need to sleep is not so prevalent. Periods of insomnia are something that I've experienced all my life. I've learned to enjoy the time and make good use of it rather than stressing over the inability to sleep.

My eating has been okay. Day before yesterday I ate fairly well during daylight hours and managed to only eat a pre-measured snack late night. Yesterday I was pleasantly surprised by a friend who called to let me know she had lots of fresh produce for me. In my excitement I completely forgot to eat. Later that afternoon I mentioned getting a bite to eat, but opted out of getting take out. I wanted to eat something healthy, delicious and home cooked.

After returning home, I rested for a bit and began going through the bags of produce. I still feel giddy when I think of all the lovely veggies brought to us. I am grateful! Thank you, my very dear friend and spiritual sister for being so kind to share with us.

The thought of eating crossed my mind, but again I quickly dismissed. It wasn't hard, after all, I had such a wonderful distraction. As it was getting well into the evening I noticed the time and fear struck me in my core. It was after 6pm and I still had not eaten. I took a moment to assess myself. I didn't feel hungry or cranky. My energy level was good. I am okay so far, but I did wonder if I would experience pain after eating because I waited so late in the day having nothing other than a drink of water so far. I thought about crackers, but changed my mind. I thought about a sandwich, but changed my mind again. While all of this was going on I was working on preparing some of the produce for freezing and cooking dinner. Dinner was very late. I finished about 10pm. I prepared a dish with brown rice, veggies and smoked turkey sausage...one of our favorites. My son had eaten something else earlier and went to bed.

I felt it best, since not having eaten a morsel, that I should eat a little dinner immediately and then have a little bit more later. It worked out for me. Eating small portions of something semi soft went over much better than any kind of fast or fried food. I did not feel guilty for eating another small portion around 3am. It wasn't like having the late night snack I would have intended, but rather a completion of having at least 2 meals within 24 hours.

Last night could have been the perfect opportunity to binge without guilt, in a way, because I could justify it by not having anything to eat earlier. That was my old way of thinking. I am appreciating my new way of thinking even more as I continue moving forward on this journey. Instead of thinking in terms of less being more, I am thinking more about what is healthy and reasonable. Whenever I do mess up, I recognize and understand that it happens sometimes. I don't make excuses. I just try to do better. That is where I am today.

I've done a little better with my eating today. I did not have breakfast. For lunch I ate scrambled eggs with a veggie medley. Tonight for a special treat I am making my son crescent rolls stuffed with turkey pepperoni and cheese. I am having my version of crab rangoons. Our side will be a beautiful mixture of broccoli greens and beet greens sautéed in a little olive oil, garlic and onions. Can you tell that I am starting to enjoy cooking a little more? 

All is well for me today and I pray for a good tomorrow.