Sunday, July 24, 2016

Mirrors Are From Hell

Mirrors are a window to that which should never be seen. Maybe that's why fun houses are so popular. People love to see all of the wild and kooky images of themselves. What if those images felt more real than not? I liked going into fun houses not for fun, but because they were the only place where I could see the distorted offbeat images more liken to the self image in my mind.

There was a period of time...years, that I did not look into mirrors with exception to the bathroom mirror on the medicine cabinet. All I could see was my face. Though at the time barely tolerable it was necessary for grooming. As for the rest of me, there was no need to see that.

Today things are different. I'm able to look in the mirror whether I like what see or not. The problem for me is the urge to peek into the window of obsession. I fight the urge to look at my reflection as I pass by the mirrors in my house. Obsessing over whether or not I look like I'm loosing weight or not. Some days it looks like progress is being made, but then other day it looks like progress lost. Each day, with each pass of the mirror is another comparison. I had to make myself stop. I was starting to get depressed. So now I wisp by mirrors only stealing a glance every now and again. It's safer that way. I don't feel the weight of the burden of calculating my girth.

I'm eating well and rarely binging. I've exercised most everyday only taking a break for 2 days during a bad menstrual cycle. I continue to feel better physically and I've even received a few kind stares and a hello this week. I don't know what's better for me...seeing myself through the eyes of others or seeing myself through my minds eye in the mirror. I don't know, I guess it just depends on the day.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Defeating Fear of Failure and Fear of Success

For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you've read about my fear of failure and success. I know that sounds weird in some ways, but it can really happen. My fear developed when I was very young. Whenever I did something that was supposedly not good. I say supposedly because my super dysfunctional parents were judge and jury. Anyway, whenever I did something that was a fail I was severely berated. On the other hand, when I did something that someone else recognized as good my parents still berated me only it was a bit more cruel. They enjoyed watching the joy in me fade. Okay, I'm  not going to dwell on the subject. That is not the focus of the post. With that being said...this is the year of COURAGE for me.

Embracing fear has not been the hard part. After all, it's been part of my life for so long, embracing it was just a matter of accepting that it's something I can't help, but want to change, if I can. Facing fears is not for the faint of heart. I've opened myself up to experiences that I never imaged I would or could ever do. One of those experiences was sharing something that I wrote in a public setting, on stage in front of real people. Just me and a spot light. Picture that... If you told me I was even going to contemplate doing such a thing I would have said you were a lie and the truth is not in you. Whoa, I haven't said that since I was a kid. So I stood there and I started to recite my lines. I started off strong, but flailed miserably towards the end. I could have run off the stage and out the door, but instead, I stayed to watch the rest of the acts. I did get some applause, but I knew I had bombed and the audience was just being nice. How sucky is it to feel so much shame at No Shame Theater. By the end of the night I felt pretty good about myself, because I walked out of there with my head held up because I had the courage to step out on that limb and be totally cool if I perched comfortably or fell off like a stone. Plus there was that one young lady who stopped to tell me that I did a good job. Nice.

One other guest invited to the fear party is my fear of being seen. If I had a super power I'd want to be invisible. Negative body image is one of the reasons. Safety is another. If I could be as quiet as possible and kind of hang out in the shadows I had a better chance of not getting yelled at or beaten. I kind of perfected it. Well, I better than perfected it. I became nonexistent. I had become invisible. Even in glass my teachers rarely remembered I was there. I mastered blending in with the background. It was good and it was bad.

Standing out and being noticed was like being naked in a crowd. I couldn't handle it. So for me to stand on a stage...

I've have several wonderful experience since then. I took my son to another healing drum session. The first time I took him I just sat in a corner sipping tea while my son danced shamelessly. I envied him. This time I grabbed an Axatse (pronounced ah-HAHt-say) which is a gourd shaker covered with a beaded net. I danced and played with the beat of the drums. I was center of attention for a brief moment. I actually enjoyed it. It was liberating. Meanwhile, my son had drawn his own crowd. People watched with amazement as he kept up with the all the other drummers. A crowed gathered outside the little club to listen as we played. When everything was over, the owner of the club came over to me and thanked me for coming and bringing my son. That was a first.

Many more wonderful events and super opportunities have come since the night I stepped out on that limb. What I've enjoy most is being able to shamelessly enjoy life with my son. I look forward to turning over a few more new leaves.

Love this video! I'm not there yet, but I'm well on my way.

Onward and Upward!