Sunday, July 24, 2016

Mirrors Are From Hell


Mirrors are a window to that which should never be seen. Maybe that's why fun houses are so popular. People love to see all of the wild and kooky images of themselves. What if those images felt more real than not? I liked going into fun houses not for fun, but because they were the only place where I could see the distorted offbeat images more liken to the self image in my mind.

There was a period of time...years, that I did not look into mirrors with exception to the bathroom mirror on the medicine cabinet. All I could see was my face. Though at the time barely tolerable it was necessary for grooming. As for the rest of me, there was no need to see that.

Today things are different. I'm able to look in the mirror whether I like what see or not. The problem for me is the urge to peek into the window of obsession. I fight the urge to look at my reflection as I pass by the mirrors in my house. Obsessing over whether or not I look like I'm loosing weight or not. Some days it looks like progress is being made, but then other day it looks like progress lost. Each day, with each pass of the mirror is another comparison. I had to make myself stop. I was starting to get depressed. So now I wisp by mirrors only stealing a glance every now and again. It's safer that way. I don't feel the weight of the burden of calculating my girth.

I'm eating well and rarely binging. I've exercised most everyday only taking a break for 2 days during a bad menstrual cycle. I continue to feel better physically and I've even received a few kind stares and a hello this week. I don't know what's better for me...seeing myself through the eyes of others or seeing myself through my minds eye in the mirror. I don't know, I guess it just depends on the day.



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