Defeating Fear of Failure and Fear of Success

For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you've read about my fear of failure and success. I know that sounds weird in some ways, but it can really happen. My fear developed when I was very young. Whenever I did something that was supposedly not good. I say supposedly because my super dysfunctional parents were judge and jury. Anyway, whenever I did something that was a fail I was severely berated. On the other hand, when I did something that someone else recognized as good my parents still berated me only it was a bit more cruel. They enjoyed watching the joy in me fade. Okay, I'm  not going to dwell on the subject. That is not the focus of the post. With that being said...this is the year of COURAGE for me.

Embracing fear has not been the hard part. After all, it's been part of my life for so long, embracing it was just a matter of accepting that it's something I can't help, but want to change, if I can. Facing fears is not for the faint of heart. I've opened myself up to experiences that I never imaged I would or could ever do. One of those experiences was sharing something that I wrote in a public setting, on stage in front of real people. Just me and a spot light. Picture that... If you told me I was even going to contemplate doing such a thing I would have said you were a lie and the truth is not in you. Whoa, I haven't said that since I was a kid. So I stood there and I started to recite my lines. I started off strong, but flailed miserably towards the end. I could have run off the stage and out the door, but instead, I stayed to watch the rest of the acts. I did get some applause, but I knew I had bombed and the audience was just being nice. How sucky is it to feel so much shame at No Shame Theater. By the end of the night I felt pretty good about myself, because I walked out of there with my head held up because I had the courage to step out on that limb and be totally cool if I perched comfortably or fell off like a stone. Plus there was that one young lady who stopped to tell me that I did a good job. Nice.

One other guest invited to the fear party is my fear of being seen. If I had a super power I'd want to be invisible. Negative body image is one of the reasons. Safety is another. If I could be as quiet as possible and kind of hang out in the shadows I had a better chance of not getting yelled at or beaten. I kind of perfected it. Well, I better than perfected it. I became nonexistent. I had become invisible. Even in glass my teachers rarely remembered I was there. I mastered blending in with the background. It was good and it was bad.

Standing out and being noticed was like being naked in a crowd. I couldn't handle it. So for me to stand on a stage...

I've have several wonderful experience since then. I took my son to another healing drum session. The first time I took him I just sat in a corner sipping tea while my son danced shamelessly. I envied him. This time I grabbed an Axatse (pronounced ah-HAHt-say) which is a gourd shaker covered with a beaded net. I danced and played with the beat of the drums. I was center of attention for a brief moment. I actually enjoyed it. It was liberating. Meanwhile, my son had drawn his own crowd. People watched with amazement as he kept up with the all the other drummers. A crowed gathered outside the little club to listen as we played. When everything was over, the owner of the club came over to me and thanked me for coming and bringing my son. That was a first.

Many more wonderful events and super opportunities have come since the night I stepped out on that limb. What I've enjoy most is being able to shamelessly enjoy life with my son. I look forward to turning over a few more new leaves.

Love this video! I'm not there yet, but I'm well on my way.

Onward and Upward!