I’m Scared

The scariest thing on this journey is the looming possibility of failure, deposited back to whence I came, missing out on finding who I am. The person I became 40 plus years ago is not the person I am, my organic self that is. I only had two years as my original self before everything began. I’m just getting to the point where I’m not as empty inside. I can feel. I mean I can feel something real, not just my PTSD and anxiety checking in.

Healing has placed much in me and taken much out of me.

I wish hurting didn’t hurt so much. It was easier living in a fog. Of course, if I opted for easy, I wouldn’t have made it this far. Would I appreciate life as much as I do now had I not gone through hell? Hell was home. It keeps trying to creep back into my life. I have a new home. It just doesn’t feel like home right now. Nothing feels right.

I just ate a little chicken and a few crackers. I may have a small bowl of ice cream. At least, that’s what I tell myself as a comfort. I may not eat ice cream. Not in the mood. I’m thirsty. They say thirst and hunger register the same in the body, so if you’re hungry try drinking water first to see if the hunger will subside. Well, that may work for the physical hunger, but it does not work for emotional hunger, better known as “the feed.” The feed won’t be your fool. It has it’s purpose and does not stray from the course.

It's 11:46 PM, too late to eat and too early for bed. Still feeling tired, but not as tired as I did this afternoon. Perhaps I’ll clean up and journal for a bit. I might even write a letter to my therapist. I do that from time to time. It’s easier to share deeply when not watching the clock. Time is money.

I wish for you all a peaceful night and a good day tomorrow.

Until next time. Onward and Upward.

Two Down One to Go

It's 12:12am. I've just finished cleaning the kitchen. There are leftovers which are all packaged and put away. My snack is waiting in the wings. So far I don't feel triggered by anything. Maybe it's because I'm still full from dinner. I'll do my workout and head to bed. I hope sleep takes over soon.

Made it through the second major holiday of the season. One more to go. It's been good so far. Nothing overwhelming. Looking forward to an outing tomorrow evening if all goes according to plan. We've been invited to go to a story telling and healing drum session. I've not been to a healing drum session before. I looked up healing drums on Youtube and found several videos on the subject. Some were okay and others left much to be desired. There was one that I found to be interesting. I didn't like it at first, but the longer I listened the more relaxed I became. Let me see if I can find it again and if so, I'll share it with you.

Well I couldn't find the video I was looking for, but I did come across another interesting video. As I listened to it I became very relaxed and fell right off to sleep. Not a deep sleep, because I'm sitting at my desk trying to finish this post. If I were in my bed I'd probably still be sleeping. 

This video is a guided Christian meditation for deep relaxation. It's supposed to help with anxiety also. I'm not sure if it does, because I'm not having any issues with anxiety tonight. If any of you are feeling anxious or you just want to relax and get some sleep, give this video a try. It's best if you listen with headphones. If you are lying down while listening to this video, position the cord of your headphones in a safe position in case you fall asleep.

 

Well I'm off to carry on with my nightly routine. You know...the usual. I hope your day went well. Try to get some rest. I'll check in tomorrow.

Goodnight.

November 17, 2014: In the Trenches

I'm still here... Been thinking about you all and wondering how you are doing. I've been having a very hard time for the past few months. It's been like experiencing one bad omen after another. A reminder of what life was like for me this time last year. I was so hopeful of seeing a better year and desperate for some emotional, mental and physical relief. Instead I was met head-on with challenges that almost knocked me off my feet. My life has been a roller coaster rider ever since. 

How do you deal with people who choose to hate you, not for anything of your own doing, but for things that your parent did? I having to face people who don't like me more frequently than I care to acknowledge. These people don't like me because the did not like my dad. They did not like how he tricked, deceived, manipulated and even stole from them. So now that he's dead I guess they think that I should pay for his wrong doings. I've always lived a simple life, never going outside of my means or comfort. I am well aware of my limitations and have mastered moving within finely balanced parameters. That has all changed and I am in an emotional uproar almost all the time. Even in all of this I've managed to keep a healthy balance in my home, that is until a recent health issue with my son. I've always said I can take anything as long as I know my son is okay. Well, he's was not okay and my world is spiraling out of control.

There are some who will think what I'm about to say is trivial and warrants little to no concern. Of course, I would never have thought such a thing until someone I call friend showed me that she felt this way.

My son started having issues with drooling and clearing his throat a couple months ago. It didn't seem like anything big, but it was not going away. My initial thought what that he could be cutting wisdom teeth and I treated him accordingly, but even that was taking longer than it should. I took him to the dentist to confirm my theory only to find that his wisdom teeth are only budding and not yet ready to come in. The very next day I took him to the pediatrician's office and was told that everything looked fine. We went home, but I was still concerned and my concern was taking a turn for the worse. It was fast approaching massive fear and anxiety. Fear of not knowing what is going on with my son, a child who had so many health issues in the beginning, but has grown into a child that has almost no issues with physical health. So how can it be that all of a sudden things are taking such a dramatic turn. What could be the cause?

Each day that passes causes more and more questions to surface. I called the pediatrician's to request a referral to an ENT specialist (Ears, Nose and Throat) to take a closer look. It would only be a few more days before seeing the specialist. I don't want anything to be wrong with my son and there are so many questions I need answered. In the meantime, I also scheduled my son's yearly well check. During the well check I was asked if my son had been having problems with constipation. CONTIPATION?! How is that possible, he has a short gut. A large portion of my son's gut was removed when he was a week old. Diarrhea would be more of an issue for us. That is why he's on a high fiber diet which helps to regulate everything. All of a sudden now I'm being told that he's constipated and not just constipated, but impacted. I'm at a total loss.

News of my son's constipation was the straw that made my knees buckle. My mind starts to spin out of control looking for answers while I am having to adjust to what is known as a normal childhood ailment. I'm not that familiar with normal childhood ailments when it comes to my son. His health issues have been either life threatening or a simple common cold. Taking my son's health history into consideration, I struggle to understand how constipation could be considered normal for a child who's gut has been so severely compromised. The pediatrician casually tells me that my son is not getting enough roughage. How would he know that? He's never once been invited to dinner. Aside from my son's infancy there has been no talk of his dietary intake. I am so sick of these doctors assuming that there must be a deficit. Not to mention how bad I felt as a parent that my son's doctor does not think that I'm feeding him well. I have you know that my son has a healthier diet than most. Anyway, my son is prescribed a laxative and I am given instruction on how to do a home clean out. Everything went well. I did adjust my son's diet a bit to decrease wheat intake because he may be developing sensitivity to wheat products. It's been about a month since this change and he's doing quite well.

Just as the constipation episode dissipated he began having what appeared to be seizures. I have no idea where this is coming from. We went to the emergency room and everything checked out well. In the next few days we were seeing a neurologist who's not sure if my son was having actual seizures or not. One MRI and two EEGs later we are still unsure. What we did find was that my son's cerebellum is underdeveloped. Well, that explains his difficulty with motor planning.

My son is doing quite well. He has not had another seizure type episode since October. Thank goodness for that! We are scheduled to go back to neurology next February. It will be determined then if more tests will be given.

I guess I don't need to tell you that my good eating habits have gone out the window. Yes, I started starving and binging again. It was really bad in September and did get some better in October. My anxiety level was extremely high also. I'm a little better now. Still struggling to get everything back on track. I'm not starving myself during the day anymore, but I'm having great difficulty with night binging. All I can say is some nights are better than others.

I think I'm going to have to have a long discussion with my eating disorder and tell him a thing or two. Wish me luck...

So sorry that I haven't had the energy or the mindset to be productive for awhile. Miss you guys...It's good to be back.

Insomnia Night #1 - June 19, 2014

The last few days haven't been so bad. My nighttime feedings seemed to be slowly fading away until last night.

I don't know what was going on with me last night. I could not sleep no matter how hard I tried. I even had a couple glasses of wine and that didn't help. As a matter of fact, I didn't enjoy the wine at all. I started snacking. First I got a hand full of chips. The taste was awful and I struggled to eat them. Even though I struggled I didn't stop until the last one was gone. Unsatisfied I continued to toss and turn again. Things were different last night. It wasn't my mind roaming through the kitchen as it has in the past, it was my emotional state that was searching for comfort. I just wanted to relax and go to sleep.

My mind was racing. Bad thoughts creeping in...memories of my past that I really didn't want to deal with...not tonight. I can't seem to calm myself. I'm pacing the floor and visiting the bathroom frequently to look at my self in the mirror. I reminded myself to love myself, but that wasn't the issue. My love for myself is growing. This wasn't about self it was simply about comfort. I was emotionally and physically uncomfortable. Could it be hormones? I am of that age. Could this be PTSD? I think I'm becoming hyper vigilant. Starting to feel like something's going to happen. What the hell?! I just want to go to sleep.

I check on my son. He's sleeping peacefully and so is our little Ginger. I check the locks on the doors and make sure all the windows are shut. I turn on the back light to see if anything is going on outside. I peer out of the front window and everything is still.

Everything is fine, but I still can't sleep.

I've been praying more lately. Mostly being thankful for all God has graciously done for me. I felt fine while praying last night...I think. As the night went on the feeling of being out of sorts increased. I should have been paying more attention. As I recall, memories started coming in a couple nights ago. It wasn't too terribly bad...the usual. I did have a nightmare a few nights ago also. One of those reoccurring nightmares where I'm running from something or someone the entire time. I am so exhausted after a night of running in my dreams. I usually remember these thing and take mental note of them, but I didn't this time. I hate being this way.

I tossed and turned for another hour or so and then I went back to the kitchen. I need comfort. What will give me comfort? And then I thought...ice cream. That's it! Usually when I eat something sweet is sooths me right to sleep. I had one twix ice cream bar left. This should do it. I ate the ice cream and waited for the sugar to kick in. I think I felt a little comforted, but it wasn't enough. Not to mention I didn't even enjoy the taste. It's like my mind stopped working properly and my taste buds became overly sensitive. The salt from the chips actually burned my tongue a little. That was a first. The taste of everything was over-exaggerated.

What's else can I do? There's nothing. I could take a sleep aide, but I don't because my son may call for me in the middle of the night. Sometimes he has nose bleeds or needs albuterol. I have to be able to hear him if he needs me. I'm so tired. Tired of going to the kitchen. It's not working for me anyway. Tired of walking around the house checking to see if everything is okay. Tired of flipping from side to side in my bed. I've gotta go to sleep. I can't take this funky feeling anymore. Need to sleep.

I'm no stranger to insomnia. Usually it's welcomed. Sleepless hours are the time when I get lots of writing done or perhaps work on a drawing. I quite enjoy the quite stillness of the house, however, I didn't feel the joy last night. I hope tonight is better. I'm still not quite myself. Past memories are still haunting me. If it gets bad for me again tonight I'm going to do something different. I'm going to exorcise. Why didn't I think of that last night? I can do some stretches and deep breathing, maybe even try meditation. That's it! Choose to take a healthier path and a healthier view of what's happening. I can't stop it, so I'm going to have to manage it. 

My eating today was not too good. I ate my first meal around 1:30 and only then because I continue to fear waiting too long to eat and experiencing the dreaded pain and discomfort afterwards. When I did decide to eat I had something light. It was left over orzo with tomatoes and veggies. That settled well on my stomach. For dinner we had a vegetable medley and oven baked popcorn shrimp.

Tonight I will pray as I usual and hope the bad images in my head fade again. I used to get angry when this happened. How could my parents be such pigs and do what they did to me! Why couldn't I have been precious in their eyes? I don't get that angry anymore. It's not worth it. I loved my parents...despite what they did. I had no one else to love and they were all I knew. I just wish the bad memories would go away. I'm beginning to make some peace with what they did to me. It's easier when I am able to feel self worth. I'm getting better about feeling self worth. Okay...I've put my thoughts to paper. Perhaps I will find a measure of peace from this. Tomorrow is another day.

Goodnight my friends, pleasant dreams.

March 17, 2014

Feeling a lot of self doubt today. I think it's mostly related to stress and feeling defeated about some situations that occurred recently. I'm experiencing heavy conflicting emotions right now. This only feeds into the anxiety that's been brewing for the past few days. Today it all comes full circle. Just like it did last Monday. I see things building up. Bills needing to be paid, money's slow to come. My life is filled with so many responsibilities, more than I've ever had. Don't get me wrong, I've had my issues, even when my life was neat and well contained, but there was balance. A wave of issues would come and then peace is regained. It's not like that these days. A wave of issues comes and I may get a couple days relief before another wave crashes into me. It's no wonder that I'm experiencing so many ups and downs with all that goes in my day to day. No day is predictable. This may not seem like much to some, but it's massive to me. I need some sense of predictability.


Everything falls on my shoulders. Everyone looks to me to take care of everything. There's never any break from it. Just when I think I can breath another series of unfortunate events take place. I'm being bitter right now. It's just how I feel in this moment. These feelings will dissipate and I will once again put on my game face and face the music.


They say stress kills. I guess I've been blessed. I've been under insurmountable stress most of my life and I'm still here. Worn down and battered. There's not much left...only hope. Hope that one day life will be better. Hope for peace of mind, body and spirit. Hope to escape the horrors of my past. Hope to become healthier in my practices and my thinking. Hope...I have hope for so many things. One day all good things will come to pass. My work will not be in vein.


Today was an okay eating day. I ate a pack of peanut butter crackers around noon. For lunch I had two turkey ham and cheese sandwiches. I did not eat dinner and my snack was a large serving of funions. My mind started roaming around the kitchen, looking for the next item to eat. I fought the urge. Exhaustion's settling in. Time for bed.

March 16, 2014

I was just thinking about today being Sunday and how I always get a little agitated about the weeks end coming to a close. It's almost like losing a protective covering, leaving me completely exposed to whatever comes in the days during the week and once again I wait for the protection of the weeks end to come.


There was a time, not so very long ago when I felt the exact opposite of what I feel today. It was during the time my parents were alive. Home was never a safe haven, not even as an adult. It was just a place to store my stuff and to lay my head when I had nowhere else to go. I relished the weekdays because I could escape into work which was and has been my safe place. Work is where I first received positive validation...positive anything for that matter. At work I was valued. I didn't have to worry about being perfect even though I'd strive to be. There was never any screaming or beatings at work. I was free to be who I am or who I thought I was...for the most part.


Weekends and holidays were a great source of stress. The stress became even greater when I moved away from home. The expectation was to visit with my parents every weekend. Saturdays were fine, but Sundays were preferred. Dad worked on Saturdays. On Sundays I would be tortured by both instead of just the one. I guess I've always been a source of entertainment for my parents, in the most manipulative, horrid kind of way. My mom, who is the main catalyst for weekend visits, would never sit still. No matter what, we could never have a decent conversation or simply sit in the same room. She was always on the move. Always working like a slave cleaning a house that was never dirty. I guess it didn't matter she never had the time or inclination to have a real visit with me. My purpose...to show her continued absolute control. I was still her obedient pet. When she called, I came.


Holidays were the worst. Again my mother would blow her proverbial whistle and there I'd sit by her side like a wasted appendage. I was a source of shame for them, unattractive, useless but still obedient. Her request for my presence simply rolls of her tongue. Never a consideration that I might want to do something else for the holiday. It didn't matter that I spent the entire day vomiting and crying before pulling the pieces together. Once again preparing for hell.


We'd always have dinner together, dad controlled the mealtimes. Even on the rare occasion family members were invited. Every time, like clock work, dad would wait unit mom was ready to serve dinner, then he'd announce that he had to go to his barber shop for something. He'd make all of us wait for hours before returning home. Not one morsel was to be consume until he returned, less there be hell to pay behind closed doors.


We ate the same meal holiday after holiday. Usually there would be silence at the table unless dad wanted to engage in negative gossip about someone. Mom sat in silence waiting for endless accolades about her meal.


After my divorce, mom always insisted that my son and I pack up and spend Christmas Eve night with them. Dear God, why?! If I were to say no...then most assuredly I need be prepared for the emotional gouging of the century. I gave up and gave in.


If thou hath dwelt in the belly of hell then let thy hell be brief.


Here we go again. I packed a bag, put my son in the car and headed out for my parent's house. It was late. Mom was overjoyed. Christmas carols playing, lights twinkling, cakes and pies baking.


Hell doth hath a sweet stench.


I prepared the pull out sofa in the family room and got my son ready for bed. He enjoyed running around from room to room and watching the lights on the tree. Dad would be in his room as usual, far away from anything resembling a family moment. I'd offer to help, but there was no need. I could never do anything right anyway, so I sat and offered idol chit chat.


Later that evening mom decided to sit in the family room with me and my sleeping child. My son and I are both heat sensitive and needed the room to be cool. Mom didn't mind much...I guess, she wrapped a blanket around herself and started a conversation. Soon dad walks in, asks mom is she's cold and proceeds to turn the heat up. I kindly asked that he not do that because my son and I could get sick. Dad in a fit of rage, begins the scream our being in HIS house and HIS wife being cold. He storms out of the family room leaving the heat on high. Mom turns to me and says, "You'll need to apologize to your dad." I'm not surprised. I apologized, for what I'm not sure, I just did. All was well, order and control once again regained. I'm done. This will never happen to me again.


The next day I announced to mom that I will never spend another Christmas Eve with them. From then on only on Christmas day and only because she insisted. Stunned, mom looks at me. I can see the wonder in her eyes. Did she already forget about last night? Oh, that's right. My feelings don't matter. I'm only to follow protocol. Needless to say, I found the courage never to put myself or my son in that position again. If only I could have always been so brave.


Today I ate breakfast at 8:57am. It was the usual. Lunch was around 3pm. I had 3 scrambled eggs, 2 pieces of cheese toast and water. For Dinner we had baked chicken breast, spinach casserole and baked corn pudding.


Last night I eat my cake with a scoop of frozen greek yogurt, vanilla. It was not as good as I imagined. I didn't enjoyed it, but I ate it anyway. There were no urges to continue feeding. Next time, I think I'll do without the cake all together...hopefully.

March 8, 2014

It never fails. When I get up something comes to bring me back down. I'm so tired. I can't give up. I'm having one of those days. Bad news keep flooding in and I don't know where to begin to make it better. It feels as thought the wind has been taken out of my sales and replaced with stones. I can't... I can't let this wave of misfortune take over my mind. I am fighting to stay strong right now, fighting harder than I ever have. I need to be strong. I want to be healthy. Been trapped behind this wall far too long.

Yesterday I felt such a sense of peace, a stillness in my spirit. All was calm. I felt the presence of God. I still feel His presence today and I thank Him for this day even though I received more bad news. Not that long ago I received news that nearly threw my entire day off. With all what was happening I still pushed through the worry and anxiety and maintain my goals.


I wasn't so fortunate today. My goals have been shot. It's okay, I'm not giving up nor am I giving in. And it's not as bad as it has been or could be. Lord knows I am making every effort to stay strong. I'm making every effort not to fall into depression or stew in anxiety. There's so much that is going on. Feels like parts of my life are going out of control. I can't stop it. When I fall into depression I only have energy to take care of my son's needs and little else. I feel completely drained at the end of the day. Sleep is no escape. Gonna fight my way out of this. So I'll pray and I'll hope and I'll wait...do what I can...and then I'll pray some more.


Tomorrow is another day and another chance to do better. I hope to stay focused and I pray there's no more bad news.


I did not have breakfast today. Around lunch time I split a pack of peanut butter crackers with my son while we were out shopping. For dinner we had take out from McDonalds. I went large on my meal. Fortunately I could not eat all of my fries. That made me feel good. And yes, I purchase one extra item to eat later for a snack. I didn't need to. I have plenty and more healthy choices to eat at home, but I purchased the extra item anyway. At least I didn't get the largest size.


I won't claim complete defeat today. I just hope and pray that I'll be able to withstand the trials and come out on the other side triumphant.

March 5, 2014

The nightmares are starting again. It's been a while since I've had one. The trigger...I suppose it all this talk of death lately. My cousin's father-in-law just passed away a few days ago and another cousin is dealing with the 14th anniversary of her mom passing. I've been dealing with this subject for the past few days and it's starting to effect me subconsciously. I don't usually think about conversations of this nature after they're done. This weeks it's a little difficult. I don't want to suffer with having these dreams for days and days. Bad dreams and sleep disturbances can be very stressful and may cause my anxiety to go up, ultimately triggering a binge. I've got to find a way to cope with this.


I'm not one to talk much about bad dreams. Well, there is one good friend that I call if the dreams are too disturbing. Sometimes I tell her about the dream and other times I'll only mention that I had a strange or disturbing dream. Not giving details about some dreams seems to help at times. Have you ever felt like saying a bad dream out loud could bring it to life? I do, so I bury them deep inside. I don't want to keep burying these dreams. I think I'd like to try something different this time.


Here it goes. I woke up to a strange dream this morning. In the dream I am going to a large white building. On the outside of the building time is moving very fast, like flashes going by. For one brief moment there was a flash of a ladder on the roof of the building. The ladder was familiar to me. I'd seen it in another dream...a reoccurring dream that changes from time to time as if linked to a series of dreams. The parking area on the back side of the building was familiar too, also from the same series of dreams. In another flash I was inside the building talking to two men. Both around the same age, 35-40 or so. One man was blond and dressed in a pale blue button down shirt with khaki pants. The other had dark hair and wore an old faded t-shirt and blue jeans. The three of us were talking about death. They were telling me the benefits of dying. This seemed very appealing to me, so I agreed. Both men were excited about my decision.


The dark haired man left to set up a few things. I was escorted into  a room by the blond haired man. He asked me to change into a gown and lie down on the gurney. The dark haired man came into the room. As I lie on the gurney, both men discussed the best way to maneuver me out of the building once I've died. They settled on an acceptable route and then the dark haired man left again. There was a brief conversation with the blond man and then he left also. I waited and waited. After a while the door opened and several children along with two adult females came into the room. It appeared that they were on a tour. One of the women spoke to me, she had blond hair pulled back in a pony tail and wore a short sleeved plaid shirt and khaki shorts. She also wore glasses, dark rimmed. I couldn't hear what she was saying, as if I pushed mute. It seemed as though she's asking a question. We smiled and then she walked away. Suddenly I was alone in the room again. Still lying on the gurney.


More time goes by. I start thinking about life and living. Would they be mad if I change my mind? A few minutes later the blond man returns. He has a brick colored rubber hose in his hand with a triangle shaped tip also made of rubber. The man smiles as he slings the hose over his shoulder. We made small talk. He turns towards a large machine and begins flipping witches and turning dials. He then takes the rubber hose off of his shoulder and turns back towards me. I sit up on the gurney and I say to him, "You have been very kind to me. Would you mind if I change my mind about dieing?" He said no, but seemed a bit flustered. He quickly shuts off the machine and tosses the rubber hose over his shoulder again. A drop of blood splattered on the corner of his right eye. It didn't seem to faze him. Again, he turns to me and tells me not go out the way I came in, but to take the ladder leading to the roof. I was confused, but agreed to follow his instruction. As I got dress pictures flashed into my mind. There were two. In both pictures the men appeared to be dead. The picture flashed closer and I recognized who they were. They were the two men I had been speaking with in the building. I woke up.


I hope writing this dream down will help. I certainly don't want to have that dream again or anything similar to it. Time will tell.


I've not been one who could keep a diary. Though I've tried many times. A block comes and I'm unable to write anything about the day or what I think I'm feeling. Writing in this blog has given me a sense of freedom. It invites me to share my story no matter what it may be about...no matter how much or how little. I look forward to writing everyday, which is highly unusual.


Maybe writing will become a habit if I keep it up for 21 days. Hopefully, I won't flake out again, but if I do, it will be okay. In the meantime I'll continue praying for the words to come.


Today for breakfast I had a pack of peanut butter crackers and a glass of water. Lunch was two scrambled eggs and hot tea. I'm still not sure what dinner will be. I'll figure it out later.


As I write this post I realize I have not consumed enough calories today. Still struggling.