April 16, 2014

Today is Wednesday. I continue to feel empowered by my decision to create an eating schedule. It is working well for me. I won't say it's perfect, but I'm so much better than I was. I'm eating more regularly during the day, getting in 2 to three good meals a day. I'm eating actual meals and not just packs of crackers. Yes, I'm managing to eat eggs for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and then dinner. Some days I even eaten a small snack early evening. That's quite a feat.


As usual, when I've started to conquer one area another area of weakness wants to appear. I've been having cravings for the past 3 nights. Not too bad the first night, but last night was a doozy. I roamed feverishly around the kitchen in search of something sweet. I couldn't find anything so I ate a small serving of a leftover rice dish. It wasn't what I wanted and my mind continued to roam. I went to my computer to surf Youtube for a while until I felt sleepy enough to go to bed.


I hope tonight will not be as bad as last night. I did manage to find a can of pears in extra light syrup and set them aside in case the urges get strong again. I fear they will be strong tonight. I'm craving right now and it's only 9:22pm. I'll probably spend more time at my computer tonight. Maybe eat the pears then, not right away. I'll surf the web for awhile and if I still feel the urge I'll get the pears. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. 


The bouncing back and forth is to be expected, I guess, but I wasn't prepared for this. What can I say, I was too busy enjoying my new strength and feelings of empowerment...and I still am. It's just now the cravings are back and stronger than ever, even to the point of desperation. I'm holding on as best I can. Maybe it's a good thing that we are almost out of snacks...then again, maybe not. I'm supposed to go shopping this weekend. I'll really need strength then.


Onward and upward as I continue to hold on the faith as if my life depends on it...because it does. This is my life, I've got to make this right. Staying strong...

March 8, 2014

It never fails. When I get up something comes to bring me back down. I'm so tired. I can't give up. I'm having one of those days. Bad news keep flooding in and I don't know where to begin to make it better. It feels as thought the wind has been taken out of my sales and replaced with stones. I can't... I can't let this wave of misfortune take over my mind. I am fighting to stay strong right now, fighting harder than I ever have. I need to be strong. I want to be healthy. Been trapped behind this wall far too long.

Yesterday I felt such a sense of peace, a stillness in my spirit. All was calm. I felt the presence of God. I still feel His presence today and I thank Him for this day even though I received more bad news. Not that long ago I received news that nearly threw my entire day off. With all what was happening I still pushed through the worry and anxiety and maintain my goals.


I wasn't so fortunate today. My goals have been shot. It's okay, I'm not giving up nor am I giving in. And it's not as bad as it has been or could be. Lord knows I am making every effort to stay strong. I'm making every effort not to fall into depression or stew in anxiety. There's so much that is going on. Feels like parts of my life are going out of control. I can't stop it. When I fall into depression I only have energy to take care of my son's needs and little else. I feel completely drained at the end of the day. Sleep is no escape. Gonna fight my way out of this. So I'll pray and I'll hope and I'll wait...do what I can...and then I'll pray some more.


Tomorrow is another day and another chance to do better. I hope to stay focused and I pray there's no more bad news.


I did not have breakfast today. Around lunch time I split a pack of peanut butter crackers with my son while we were out shopping. For dinner we had take out from McDonalds. I went large on my meal. Fortunately I could not eat all of my fries. That made me feel good. And yes, I purchase one extra item to eat later for a snack. I didn't need to. I have plenty and more healthy choices to eat at home, but I purchased the extra item anyway. At least I didn't get the largest size.


I won't claim complete defeat today. I just hope and pray that I'll be able to withstand the trials and come out on the other side triumphant.