Hey everyone. I wanted to touch base with you as we are in the full swing of the holiday season. How are you doing? Do you experience any particular difficulties this time of year? I for one tend to have some measure of depression linked to past holiday practices and urges to night binge. What helps me the most is realizing that I don't have to give into unfortunate or uncomfortable holiday traditions anymore.
There may be some of you who look forward to this time of year as a chance to step away from the mundane and delve into the wonderment of holiday folly and fare. I find a since of joy knowing that there are some who genuinely enjoy this time of year. Then there are those who hide their pain behind the perfectly basted turkey with all the trimmings, possession of super human stamina for the world's biggest shopping day and a meticulously mapped out plan on entombing their homes in miles and miles of twinkling lights. Nothing kills the holiday spirit like a sea of plastic smiles, empty compliments, idol chit chat and muffled sighs.
Are you one who is prone to continuing with traditions that may possibly trigger you just for the sake of looking normal? I used to. I would always give the excuse that I was on a diet so I could get away with eating very little during dinner. Later I'd be given all sorts of neatly packaged goodies in foil covered plates. Little did they know at least 90% of the food would be consumed later that night.
Binging during the holidays was the norm...the biggest binge session of the year. I'd be drunk with anticipation (chuckle), lost in planning the order in which I would eat my newly acquired morsels. End of the year holidays are the one time of year that you can have enormous amounts of food without question.
Since beginning my quest for wellness I've stopped indulging in massive holiday binges. No more cooking and hording massive amounts of food. I keep things much more simple now. If there are plans to have company I make sure to cook an appropriate amount of food allowing enough to send home with friends and have some left for meals the next day. If we decide not to have company I'll prepare a few of our favorites, enough for two days. I don't bake a lot of deserts. Usually we have a friend make something like a pie or cobbler and I supply the ice cream. For me, deserts are hard to resist, so it's most beneficial to have access to as few sweets as possible.
I don't really care what people think of my changes. It's a matter of knowing my triggers and self preservation.
This year we were planning to have company even thought I didn't feel up to it. The day before Thanksgiving I made a call and opted out of the gathering. I was pleased to know that my intended guests were also not in the mood for holiday cheer. Relief. I prepared a couple Cornish hens, sweet potatoes, greens, and a little mac-n-cheese. That's it! Oh, and fruit for dessert if desired. It was a wonderful meal. Yes I had a late night snack, but did not binge. The next I took the remaining Cornish hen and made gravy and served the left over sides. My good friend also sent over some of the turkey she baked along with a small amount of baked mac-n-cheese. The leftovers were wonderful. I reframed from preparing more food because I was able to see what we had as enough.
Today there is a small amount of gravy and a few morsels of Cornish hen left. I'm thinking about making a little brown rice and a small pot of green beans and that will be dinner. I feel good about not binging, especially since I've had several binges recently. I'm proud of myself.
Holidays and get-togethers are hard when combating eating disorders. Just take it one step at the time...I day at the time. It's okay if you need to hang out in smaller groups or with just one friend to avoid larger crowds and facing enormous amounts of food. Try not to stay to yourself during these hard times. Now is when support really comes in handy. It will benefit you greatly to spend time with someone who understands what you are going through. You'll need to be able to talk out your feelings with someone, cry, scream, whatever it takes to get the emotion out so you don't take it out on your body.
Huge hugs to all my sisters and brothers who are recovered, recovering or struggling with ED. My heart goes out to you as I keep you in my prayers.
I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I have hope that you know that you are not alone and that we can be here for each other. Take care, my friends. I'll check in again soon.
Showing posts with label coping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coping. Show all posts
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Monday, May 26, 2014
Feeling Better: Making Decisions 5/26/14
My last post was pretty intense, at least it was for me. I needed to get my emotions out. Felt like I was drowning. I needed to release. I wasn't my best for a few days after. There was no binging, but I had to resume my late night snack to keep from binging. Trying to wean myself off of late snacks again, was doing pretty well until recently.
In lieu of our recent holiday, Memorial Day, I've had to make some decisions about food and entertainment. I thought it best not to cook out because that would leave me with too much cooked food in the house. It would be better to eat out, which limits my intake. For a brief moment I thought about ordering an additional sandwich or entre to take home, but quickly dismissed the thought. No extra foods allowed!
I wanted to treat myself to one of my favorite things which is orange peels dipped in chocolate. Its not something I get often and it's been over a year since the last time I treated myself, so, I went to the Chocolate Factory and purchased a few pieces and 3 pieces of chocolate covered seafoam. My candy purchase should last a couple weeks. Ironically I've never binged on chocolates. I guess it's because I'm not a lover of chocolate and rarely have it in the house. I usually eat 3 or 4 pieces of the chocolate covered orange peel at a time. They are small, but quite satisfying.
Last night I wanted something a little sweet. I did not turn to my chocolate, but ate strawberries with a homemade fruit dip. It was delicious. A perfect treat at the end of a good day.
I'm trying to figure out what's the best way to deal with my desire to lose weight. I don't want to think about pounds and calories. Should I think of myself in body parts, like focusing on my stomach, thighs or bottom? I don't think that will work for me either. Thoughts of that nature can easily turn into obsessions. Perhaps I will think of muscle groups. That's not the same as thinking about my girth. I could focus on strengthening, elongating, stretching, but not so much sculpting. It needs to be more about my health, not my weight. No numbers allowed! That's the funny thing about weight loss. You can't really accurately measure pound lost because as fat is lost muscle is gained. There's a counter balance there that may lead you to believe that you've gained weight or are at a stand still. Not a good situation for a person with an eating disorder. Okay then, that settles it. I believe the best way for me to begin working on my physical self is to focus on that which is less damning and that will be my muscles. It's worth a shot.
Yesterday was a bad eating day, during the day that is... My son and I had plans to eat out with friends. I wanted to eat that morning, but dismissed it because I was eating out and didn't want to consume too many calories. I'm not trying to make any excuses. I know I should have eaten earlier. We did not get to the eatery until after 3pm. My energy level was plummeting. I order the shrimp and fries with a large glass of water. I managed to eat all of my shrimp, but not many of the fries. It wasn't long after that I began to feel awful. The top of my stomach started aching and I began having mild heart palpitations periodically. I've heard of having heart palpitations when severe restriction occurs, but for me it's different. My body lies dormant while I'm in starvation mode. I feel okay with exception to feeling very tired as it gets later in the day. Shortly after consuming a meal (something more than crackers) I start feeling sick. My body does not adjust well from starvation mode to eating mode. It's like my body goes into shock because I've eaten. It usually takes about an hour before I start to feel better. I'm not sure what all is occurring inside my body. I just know that 38 years of having an eating disorder has done damage. If I eat as I should I don't have these problems.
Nothing showed up in my last physical. I think next time I go to the doctor's office I'll mention my symptoms and see what they say.
I made a point not to hold out on food today. I ate a good breakfast, 2 eggs, cheese, leftover veggies and water. For lunch I ate pears in extra light syrup. This is not an ideal meal, but it's something. Dinner was chicken fajitas with lots of veggies, a little rice and beans, no tortillas and water.
In lieu of our recent holiday, Memorial Day, I've had to make some decisions about food and entertainment. I thought it best not to cook out because that would leave me with too much cooked food in the house. It would be better to eat out, which limits my intake. For a brief moment I thought about ordering an additional sandwich or entre to take home, but quickly dismissed the thought. No extra foods allowed!
I wanted to treat myself to one of my favorite things which is orange peels dipped in chocolate. Its not something I get often and it's been over a year since the last time I treated myself, so, I went to the Chocolate Factory and purchased a few pieces and 3 pieces of chocolate covered seafoam. My candy purchase should last a couple weeks. Ironically I've never binged on chocolates. I guess it's because I'm not a lover of chocolate and rarely have it in the house. I usually eat 3 or 4 pieces of the chocolate covered orange peel at a time. They are small, but quite satisfying.
Last night I wanted something a little sweet. I did not turn to my chocolate, but ate strawberries with a homemade fruit dip. It was delicious. A perfect treat at the end of a good day.
I'm trying to figure out what's the best way to deal with my desire to lose weight. I don't want to think about pounds and calories. Should I think of myself in body parts, like focusing on my stomach, thighs or bottom? I don't think that will work for me either. Thoughts of that nature can easily turn into obsessions. Perhaps I will think of muscle groups. That's not the same as thinking about my girth. I could focus on strengthening, elongating, stretching, but not so much sculpting. It needs to be more about my health, not my weight. No numbers allowed! That's the funny thing about weight loss. You can't really accurately measure pound lost because as fat is lost muscle is gained. There's a counter balance there that may lead you to believe that you've gained weight or are at a stand still. Not a good situation for a person with an eating disorder. Okay then, that settles it. I believe the best way for me to begin working on my physical self is to focus on that which is less damning and that will be my muscles. It's worth a shot.
Yesterday was a bad eating day, during the day that is... My son and I had plans to eat out with friends. I wanted to eat that morning, but dismissed it because I was eating out and didn't want to consume too many calories. I'm not trying to make any excuses. I know I should have eaten earlier. We did not get to the eatery until after 3pm. My energy level was plummeting. I order the shrimp and fries with a large glass of water. I managed to eat all of my shrimp, but not many of the fries. It wasn't long after that I began to feel awful. The top of my stomach started aching and I began having mild heart palpitations periodically. I've heard of having heart palpitations when severe restriction occurs, but for me it's different. My body lies dormant while I'm in starvation mode. I feel okay with exception to feeling very tired as it gets later in the day. Shortly after consuming a meal (something more than crackers) I start feeling sick. My body does not adjust well from starvation mode to eating mode. It's like my body goes into shock because I've eaten. It usually takes about an hour before I start to feel better. I'm not sure what all is occurring inside my body. I just know that 38 years of having an eating disorder has done damage. If I eat as I should I don't have these problems.
Nothing showed up in my last physical. I think next time I go to the doctor's office I'll mention my symptoms and see what they say.
I made a point not to hold out on food today. I ate a good breakfast, 2 eggs, cheese, leftover veggies and water. For lunch I ate pears in extra light syrup. This is not an ideal meal, but it's something. Dinner was chicken fajitas with lots of veggies, a little rice and beans, no tortillas and water.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Dealing with triggers: The Ugly Button - 5/15/14
I joined an online support group yesterday. I wasn't sure how I'd like it, but the experience has been good so far. The group is pretty large, but it feels small and intimate. I like that.
There were some wonderful responses to the short introduction I posted. Questions were being asked about NES and others even chimed in and said thank you for joining because they too suffer from NES and it's almost never heard of. Can I tell you...it was wonderful to speak with people who knew just where I was coming from. People who could describe feeling and behaviors that I was all too familiar with. Wonderful connections were being made. However, everything has two sides. For every good there is bad. The bad thing is nothing that's being done intentionally. What is it? Triggers. Triggers that occur when reading emotionally intense posts. It can't be helped. EDs, addictions, abuse, disabilities, life itself...all these things come with pluses and minuses. When we are invited to speak about our issues there's always the risk of triggering others. I don't see any way around it except to never speak. What good would that do? Silence is worse than the actual triggers themselves.
The people in the group are very nice and yes, some of the subject matter is very intense. I'm already feeling kind of weirded out by the fact that so many beautiful people aren't able to see their own beauty. I want to scream and take the whole feeling ugly thing, wrap it up and tuck it into a place where no one can find it. It's a reminder of how ugly I see myself. If I were to describe myself in one word it would be...leprous. I can except my own feelings of inadequacy, but I am not coping well will with others feeling this way. They are all so beautiful. I know...the way I'm thinking is not fair to myself or them. They have their reasons for feeling the way they do just as I do. Perhaps it's too painful to see the pain of others when I'm having trouble seeing my own.
The more posts I read the angrier I feel. Not at the people for feeling the way they feel, but angry about living in a society where we are conditioned to feel ugly if we don't fit societal molds.
HOW DARE society think they are doing us a justice by making a "conscious" effort to depict and appreciate what is already beautiful! HOW DARE it be an effort at all to show women with voluptuous curves or people with rich skin tones! What happened to us that so many of us hate what we see in the mirror? Why is there so much shame in having a pimple, frizzy hair, being chubby, thin or whatever other superficial what not we can come up with? How are we to feel good when everything tell us to feeling bad?
Confession: I used to be obsessed with wanting to fix other peoples problems.
Other peoples problems were a welcomed distraction. My issues were ever present, ominous, venomous and I needed an escape. I would retreat into myself, draw or read books, but my favorite past time was dissecting the problems of others and obsessing over finding solutions. I was the self proclaimed Trojan of resolution. Bring all your problems to me and I will help you solve them. I was about as useful as a snake oil salesman. Though I must admit, there were some benefits to taking a situation, breaking it down and presenting it in a way that may not have been previously explored. It sometimes opened the doorway for individuals to take another look at their situations and search for answers within themselves. That would be the most reasonable intent for my process, but instead, I took it up a few notches and bought into my need to be needed.
Thanks to being self aware, I put a lot of effort to undoing the need to be needed along with undoing the need for people to serve specific roles in my life. It feels so much better to simply enjoy people for the sake of enjoying them and not having them lined up like a list of to dos. Now that I am freed from trying to solve the world's problem I can redirect my energy into the healing process. I will have to periodically remind myself that I can empathize without giving into the impulse to fix or solve things. I will also work on allowing myself to feel pain and then release it.
I'm still eating rye bread for breakfast every morning. Today I had two slices of rye bread with a little peanut butter. Lunch was an egg and cheese frittata and dinner will be left over chili from last night's impromptu dinner.
There were some wonderful responses to the short introduction I posted. Questions were being asked about NES and others even chimed in and said thank you for joining because they too suffer from NES and it's almost never heard of. Can I tell you...it was wonderful to speak with people who knew just where I was coming from. People who could describe feeling and behaviors that I was all too familiar with. Wonderful connections were being made. However, everything has two sides. For every good there is bad. The bad thing is nothing that's being done intentionally. What is it? Triggers. Triggers that occur when reading emotionally intense posts. It can't be helped. EDs, addictions, abuse, disabilities, life itself...all these things come with pluses and minuses. When we are invited to speak about our issues there's always the risk of triggering others. I don't see any way around it except to never speak. What good would that do? Silence is worse than the actual triggers themselves.
The people in the group are very nice and yes, some of the subject matter is very intense. I'm already feeling kind of weirded out by the fact that so many beautiful people aren't able to see their own beauty. I want to scream and take the whole feeling ugly thing, wrap it up and tuck it into a place where no one can find it. It's a reminder of how ugly I see myself. If I were to describe myself in one word it would be...leprous. I can except my own feelings of inadequacy, but I am not coping well will with others feeling this way. They are all so beautiful. I know...the way I'm thinking is not fair to myself or them. They have their reasons for feeling the way they do just as I do. Perhaps it's too painful to see the pain of others when I'm having trouble seeing my own.
The more posts I read the angrier I feel. Not at the people for feeling the way they feel, but angry about living in a society where we are conditioned to feel ugly if we don't fit societal molds.
HOW DARE society think they are doing us a justice by making a "conscious" effort to depict and appreciate what is already beautiful! HOW DARE it be an effort at all to show women with voluptuous curves or people with rich skin tones! What happened to us that so many of us hate what we see in the mirror? Why is there so much shame in having a pimple, frizzy hair, being chubby, thin or whatever other superficial what not we can come up with? How are we to feel good when everything tell us to feeling bad?
Confession: I used to be obsessed with wanting to fix other peoples problems.
Other peoples problems were a welcomed distraction. My issues were ever present, ominous, venomous and I needed an escape. I would retreat into myself, draw or read books, but my favorite past time was dissecting the problems of others and obsessing over finding solutions. I was the self proclaimed Trojan of resolution. Bring all your problems to me and I will help you solve them. I was about as useful as a snake oil salesman. Though I must admit, there were some benefits to taking a situation, breaking it down and presenting it in a way that may not have been previously explored. It sometimes opened the doorway for individuals to take another look at their situations and search for answers within themselves. That would be the most reasonable intent for my process, but instead, I took it up a few notches and bought into my need to be needed.
Thanks to being self aware, I put a lot of effort to undoing the need to be needed along with undoing the need for people to serve specific roles in my life. It feels so much better to simply enjoy people for the sake of enjoying them and not having them lined up like a list of to dos. Now that I am freed from trying to solve the world's problem I can redirect my energy into the healing process. I will have to periodically remind myself that I can empathize without giving into the impulse to fix or solve things. I will also work on allowing myself to feel pain and then release it.
I'm still eating rye bread for breakfast every morning. Today I had two slices of rye bread with a little peanut butter. Lunch was an egg and cheese frittata and dinner will be left over chili from last night's impromptu dinner.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
April 4, 2014
I'm feeling a little unwanted and underappreciated right now. My understanding is this is a norm when you're raising a teenager. I don't mind so much, as I believe teens think parents are ancient and clueless.
I don't talk about my son much here because he is not the cause of my eating problem. My son is a source of joy and wonder. All thanks and praises be to God who saw me worthy to have and take care of this precious life. However, my precious one woke up a teenager one day and things began to change.
Today I went out to run a few short errands. While out I thought it would be nice to pick up some of my son's favorite chicken. Not to mention that I also got a few of his favorite treats from the grocery store. I got home, he helped with the groceries and then proceeded to isolate himself away from me. At first I talked myself out of taking it personal, but then I went in to my room which is right next to the den. My son recognized that I was going to be in my room for awhile. He turned off the tv and went into his room shutting, the door behind him. Okay, typical teen behavior...right?
I finished changing clothes and proceeded to go to my office to check my email before retreating to the kitchen. My office is across the hall from my son's room. Again, I must have invaded his space because he immediately retreated back to the den which is furthest from my office. By this time I started to take this behavior personally. Is this a big deal? No. But I wanted to get it off my chest because I have an issue with being unwanted and it felt a little like that today.
It didn't take me long to brush the feeling off. My son is not evil like my parents were. I know that he loves his mom and I also know that he cherishes his space. I'm glad that he is coming into his own. When raising a child on the spectrum, you don't always know what your going to get until the moment comes. In many ways, my son is not like the average teen, but in many ways he is and that's what makes him so unique. Ah, I get it now... Maybe that's why some people refer to being autistic as being a fruit salad...because you get something different in every bite. That makes sense.
Anyway, It's been a very good day. My son is still lovingly in the den. He did stop by to give me the sweetest kiss on the cheek. That's good enough for me. Take care my sweet one. Don't grow up too fast.
For breakfast I had eggs with cheese and a large glass of water. Lunch was a chicken sandwich. Dinner was pretty early, we ate at 5:30. I had two pieces of my son's favorite fried chicken, okra and mac-n-cheese with a med. strawberry soda. I've prepared a small fruit snack for later.
I don't talk about my son much here because he is not the cause of my eating problem. My son is a source of joy and wonder. All thanks and praises be to God who saw me worthy to have and take care of this precious life. However, my precious one woke up a teenager one day and things began to change.
Today I went out to run a few short errands. While out I thought it would be nice to pick up some of my son's favorite chicken. Not to mention that I also got a few of his favorite treats from the grocery store. I got home, he helped with the groceries and then proceeded to isolate himself away from me. At first I talked myself out of taking it personal, but then I went in to my room which is right next to the den. My son recognized that I was going to be in my room for awhile. He turned off the tv and went into his room shutting, the door behind him. Okay, typical teen behavior...right?
I finished changing clothes and proceeded to go to my office to check my email before retreating to the kitchen. My office is across the hall from my son's room. Again, I must have invaded his space because he immediately retreated back to the den which is furthest from my office. By this time I started to take this behavior personally. Is this a big deal? No. But I wanted to get it off my chest because I have an issue with being unwanted and it felt a little like that today.
It didn't take me long to brush the feeling off. My son is not evil like my parents were. I know that he loves his mom and I also know that he cherishes his space. I'm glad that he is coming into his own. When raising a child on the spectrum, you don't always know what your going to get until the moment comes. In many ways, my son is not like the average teen, but in many ways he is and that's what makes him so unique. Ah, I get it now... Maybe that's why some people refer to being autistic as being a fruit salad...because you get something different in every bite. That makes sense.
Anyway, It's been a very good day. My son is still lovingly in the den. He did stop by to give me the sweetest kiss on the cheek. That's good enough for me. Take care my sweet one. Don't grow up too fast.
For breakfast I had eggs with cheese and a large glass of water. Lunch was a chicken sandwich. Dinner was pretty early, we ate at 5:30. I had two pieces of my son's favorite fried chicken, okra and mac-n-cheese with a med. strawberry soda. I've prepared a small fruit snack for later.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
April 16, 2014
Today is Wednesday. I continue to feel empowered by my decision to create an eating schedule. It is working well for me. I won't say it's perfect, but I'm so much better than I was. I'm eating more regularly during the day, getting in 2 to three good meals a day. I'm eating actual meals and not just packs of crackers. Yes, I'm managing to eat eggs for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and then dinner. Some days I even eaten a small snack early evening. That's quite a feat.
As usual, when I've started to conquer one area another area of weakness wants to appear. I've been having cravings for the past 3 nights. Not too bad the first night, but last night was a doozy. I roamed feverishly around the kitchen in search of something sweet. I couldn't find anything so I ate a small serving of a leftover rice dish. It wasn't what I wanted and my mind continued to roam. I went to my computer to surf Youtube for a while until I felt sleepy enough to go to bed.
I hope tonight will not be as bad as last night. I did manage to find a can of pears in extra light syrup and set them aside in case the urges get strong again. I fear they will be strong tonight. I'm craving right now and it's only 9:22pm. I'll probably spend more time at my computer tonight. Maybe eat the pears then, not right away. I'll surf the web for awhile and if I still feel the urge I'll get the pears. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.
The bouncing back and forth is to be expected, I guess, but I wasn't prepared for this. What can I say, I was too busy enjoying my new strength and feelings of empowerment...and I still am. It's just now the cravings are back and stronger than ever, even to the point of desperation. I'm holding on as best I can. Maybe it's a good thing that we are almost out of snacks...then again, maybe not. I'm supposed to go shopping this weekend. I'll really need strength then.
Onward and upward as I continue to hold on the faith as if my life depends on it...because it does. This is my life, I've got to make this right. Staying strong...
As usual, when I've started to conquer one area another area of weakness wants to appear. I've been having cravings for the past 3 nights. Not too bad the first night, but last night was a doozy. I roamed feverishly around the kitchen in search of something sweet. I couldn't find anything so I ate a small serving of a leftover rice dish. It wasn't what I wanted and my mind continued to roam. I went to my computer to surf Youtube for a while until I felt sleepy enough to go to bed.
I hope tonight will not be as bad as last night. I did manage to find a can of pears in extra light syrup and set them aside in case the urges get strong again. I fear they will be strong tonight. I'm craving right now and it's only 9:22pm. I'll probably spend more time at my computer tonight. Maybe eat the pears then, not right away. I'll surf the web for awhile and if I still feel the urge I'll get the pears. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.
The bouncing back and forth is to be expected, I guess, but I wasn't prepared for this. What can I say, I was too busy enjoying my new strength and feelings of empowerment...and I still am. It's just now the cravings are back and stronger than ever, even to the point of desperation. I'm holding on as best I can. Maybe it's a good thing that we are almost out of snacks...then again, maybe not. I'm supposed to go shopping this weekend. I'll really need strength then.
Onward and upward as I continue to hold on the faith as if my life depends on it...because it does. This is my life, I've got to make this right. Staying strong...
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
April 8, 2014
Today has been a very good eating day. One of the best so far. I ate breakfast at 9:47am. Breakfast consisted of 2 packs of peanut butter crackers and a cup of water. Lunch was at 12:29pm. I ate the equivalent of 3 scrambled eggs with leftover rice and a large cup of water. Diner was at 6:30pm. My son wanted chicken so we stopped by our favorite chicken place and purchased a meal. I had 2 pieces of chicken, about 3 tbls of okra, a few fries and a large cup of water. This has been the best eating day for me since my last major backlash just before deciding to revive this blog. I'm still feeling empowered. I can't tell you what an awesome change it's been to stop pacifying my mind. Amazing! Something seemingly so benign has proven itself to be quite harmful, especially if ignored.
I feel the need to begin the process of writing a letter or a series of letters to the little girl inside. I think now is a good time to start. I hope so. I know this part of the process will bring up more memories. I'm ready to deal with that. There may be some darkness developing, but I know the sun will break through and light will shine on me again. Yep, it's time to dig a little deeper. I'm not going to push myself. I just want to begin and see where it takes me.
Onward and Upward! I'm going to take time to enjoy my new found strength and revel in the opportunity to apply the things that I've learned to my life.
I feel the need to begin the process of writing a letter or a series of letters to the little girl inside. I think now is a good time to start. I hope so. I know this part of the process will bring up more memories. I'm ready to deal with that. There may be some darkness developing, but I know the sun will break through and light will shine on me again. Yep, it's time to dig a little deeper. I'm not going to push myself. I just want to begin and see where it takes me.
Onward and Upward! I'm going to take time to enjoy my new found strength and revel in the opportunity to apply the things that I've learned to my life.
Monday, April 7, 2014
April 7, 2014
Hey there, just checking in with a quick note. I didn't post yesterday. Sometimes after breakthroughs or purging of thoughts, I need to take a mental break to fully process everything. It allows time for more memories and thoughts to come to the forefront. I liken it to emptying a large container of water. After a container is emptied, it takes a while to fill up again.
I hope you all are doing well. I'm still feeling empowered from my latest epiphany. My eating is a little better. Of course, it will take time for me to get where I want with my eating. The best part of this is the internal strength that I've gained, not giving in to the whims of my mind or the lies that it tells. I don't have to rely on cues to tell me when to eat. I have times. Time is much easier to focus on. Time does not operate out of emotional pain. Time will not tell me not to eat nor make me feel guilty when I do or don't. Time is just time and nothing else. Whew, a mighty weight has been lifted.
Yesterday I ate breakfast around 11:30am or so. I had two packs of peanut butter crackers. I ate two because I want get used to the idea of eating more and since I'm already comfortable with the crackers it was less offensive to just get another pack as opposed to eating another food. Lunch was a little late, just after 3:30pm. I ate two scrambled eggs, no toast and water. We had company yesterday evening and decided to go out for Chinese food. I ate chicken mei fen, which is super thin rice noodles served with chicken, eggs and onion. It was delicious. I shared some with one of my guests and ate the rest. I also ordered two spring rolls which were lettuce and imitation crab meat rolled up in a rice wrap. I usually go for the fried stuff, but aimed for healthier this time. I knew the mei fen would not hold me all night, so I ate the spring rolls for my late night snack. They were very light and satisfying.
Funny, how I have to trick myself into doing little things to encourage healthy change. I don't particularly like the idea of tricking myself, but I'm at war. An internal war is going on inside my head. That old familiar part of my mind that has mastered avoiding food is as war with the new and healthier part of my mind that wants to adhere to the scheduled eating times. In the morning, when I first think of eating breakfast, my old mind jumps right in and focuses on something else that has nothing to do with eating. In the past, I could go on for hours before thinking of eating again. My new mind kicks in much earlier. So now, when I find myself busy doing other things rather than focusing on eating my new mind cues in and reminds me that I have a set eating time that I need to maintain. Even if I'm off an hour or so, when I think about my eating schedule I immediately get up and get something to eat. No more hesitation at that point like it is with my old mind. This is a bit of a miracle. That's why I can say I definitely love the new strength that I've gained over the past few days.
I'm still taking baby steps, but my steps don't feel so shaky now.
Today I ate breakfast around 11:30 again. I had two packs of peanut butter crackers and water. I didn't eat lunch because I was busy getting ready for my therapy session. This is not an excuse, just a fact. My appointment was at 3:30 which is a common eating time for me. I thought about eating another pack of crackers, but the thought soon left my mind as I turned my attention to what I wanted to take to my session. I'll have to come up with a better plan on days when I have appointments. I won't have extra things to keep me busy tomorrow. It will be the normal schedule. I think I will do much better then. Dinner was shortly after 5pm. I stopped at McDonald's and bought a fish sandwich with fries, no drink and a meal for my son. I can't really say why I didn't want a drink with my meal. Still haven't figured that out yet. I've always purchased a drink with my meal. It's a treat to have something surgery because I usually drink water. Today, I preferred just having water. I'll consider this another good change. Perhaps one day I'll be able to eliminate the meal all together making it a monthly treat instead of a weekly treat.
As I work on changing my eating daytime eating habits, I must keep in mind to fill myself with healthy calories instead of junk. When I make healthy food choices I crave less high carb, high fat foods. My body actually loves healthy foods, especially vegetables, it's my mind that wants the other stuff.
Well, my break is over. I have many more thoughts to purge. I'll definitely post again tomorrow. Take care and have a peaceful night or day wherever you are. Remember to work on being good to yourselves. Love yourselves and if that's too hard try liking yourself. Baby steps.
We'll get through this together.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
March 4, 2014
Yesterday was an exciting day because of my eating accomplishments. As I started working on my next post, it came to mind to create a list of accomplishments along with methods that are working for me, what's not to do and all that jazz. But then, I stopped in my tracks. I read over what was written, my goodness, I came across as a wound-up, chatty know-it-all. It was horrible and I even had the nerve to begin preparing a disclaimer. You know the drill, "I am not a licensed professional..." No! That is not what this blog is going to be about. I'm not going to get on my soap box and start spewing lines of information for the masses. Not happening here...
This blog will be a place of sharing, caring, exchanging helpful tips at times and healing. Within the walls of this blog there is forgiveness, acceptance, there is revelation, elation, triumph, failure you name it and it's here. I am not here to toot my own horn. Even if I did, nothing much would come out...at least, nothing having substance.
Today for breakfast I ate a small portion of left over rice with chicken and broccoli topped with a scrambled egg. Breakfast was at 1pm.
I will make myself have a snack in a couple hours. Peanut butter crackers and a cup of hot tea. I heard somewhere that drinking hot fluids after eating helps digestion. That's not the reason I'm having hot tea. I want to make my eating time more enjoyable, less rudimentary. So I figure, if I can learn to enjoy the simple pleasure of smelling, tasting, chewing and experiencing my foods, perhaps it will be easier for me to see myself eating proper meals.
Believe it or not, I really do enjoy cooking. Nothing's more rewarding than my son letting me know he enjoyed his meal or having friends over and watching them savor every bite. Preparing a meal for family and friends is an expression of love...nothing like loving that comes from the oven. I think that's how it goes. Funny though, that same notion doesn't apply when cooking for myself.
Dinner is left over chili and brown rice. We will eat around 6:30. My late night snack may be around 1am.
This blog will be a place of sharing, caring, exchanging helpful tips at times and healing. Within the walls of this blog there is forgiveness, acceptance, there is revelation, elation, triumph, failure you name it and it's here. I am not here to toot my own horn. Even if I did, nothing much would come out...at least, nothing having substance.
Today for breakfast I ate a small portion of left over rice with chicken and broccoli topped with a scrambled egg. Breakfast was at 1pm.
I will make myself have a snack in a couple hours. Peanut butter crackers and a cup of hot tea. I heard somewhere that drinking hot fluids after eating helps digestion. That's not the reason I'm having hot tea. I want to make my eating time more enjoyable, less rudimentary. So I figure, if I can learn to enjoy the simple pleasure of smelling, tasting, chewing and experiencing my foods, perhaps it will be easier for me to see myself eating proper meals.
Believe it or not, I really do enjoy cooking. Nothing's more rewarding than my son letting me know he enjoyed his meal or having friends over and watching them savor every bite. Preparing a meal for family and friends is an expression of love...nothing like loving that comes from the oven. I think that's how it goes. Funny though, that same notion doesn't apply when cooking for myself.
Dinner is left over chili and brown rice. We will eat around 6:30. My late night snack may be around 1am.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
March 1, 2014
I feel good today, better than I've felt for a few weeks now. I managed to eat a good breakfast, cheese toast, scrambled eggs and coffee. I ate around 1:00pm.
Last night I tried not to eat the other half of my sandwich and did pretty well. I managed to get past 1am. It was around 2:30 or so I broke down and ate it. I'm not beating myself up about it. Just glad that I did not eat anything else. It didn't take me long to fall asleep afterwards.
This morning I woke up determined to eat earlier than days before. My goal was to eat my first meal before 2pm. Goal accomplished. Tomorrow I will try to eat before noon. Things are looking up. I'm feeling alive and have a huge burst of energy. Things are getting accomplished and a healthy meal has been prepared. We ate dinner around 7pm.
I hope I keep this good feeling for awhile. It's so nice to feel good in my own skin again. Living free from anxiety and self doubt. I'm not going to think about the negatives tonight. I'm just going to embrace life and live it happily. Today has been a very good day!
Thank you, Lord for the gift of this day and all that you have set aside for us in this day. Amen.
Last night I tried not to eat the other half of my sandwich and did pretty well. I managed to get past 1am. It was around 2:30 or so I broke down and ate it. I'm not beating myself up about it. Just glad that I did not eat anything else. It didn't take me long to fall asleep afterwards.
This morning I woke up determined to eat earlier than days before. My goal was to eat my first meal before 2pm. Goal accomplished. Tomorrow I will try to eat before noon. Things are looking up. I'm feeling alive and have a huge burst of energy. Things are getting accomplished and a healthy meal has been prepared. We ate dinner around 7pm.
I hope I keep this good feeling for awhile. It's so nice to feel good in my own skin again. Living free from anxiety and self doubt. I'm not going to think about the negatives tonight. I'm just going to embrace life and live it happily. Today has been a very good day!
Thank you, Lord for the gift of this day and all that you have set aside for us in this day. Amen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)