Mindful Movement Part 2

How is everyone doing today? I hope you enjoyed last weeks video which was an introduction to chair yoga. I really enjoyed it. I found a series of videos that start off with a 10 or 15 minute beginner practice and goes up to a complete 40 minute beginner practice. This week I'd like to share the 15 minute practice. What I like most about these types of videos is the encouragement to be mindful of my body and how movement makes my body feel. That is the purpose of me sharing these wonderful videos with you on Fridays. To encourage mindful movement and hopefully help to develop a love of healthy positive movement in all of us.

This week has been a week of firsts for me. I find myself doing things that I would have only thought about in the past. Things like being more forward with disabilities advocacy and really working towards making a difference for disabled people in my community. I've also branched out and wrote a monologue which I am planning on performing at a local Art Center tomorrow. In addition to that I'm actually planning for my son and I to participate in a walk tomorrow. NAMI a local advocacy group for individuals having mental illness and intellectual disabilities. The walk is tomorrow morning and will be 2.2 miles. I can't tell you the last time I've walked a mile or even just around my neighborhood.

I can't explain it, but there's something wonderful occurring and I'm not sure why it's happening. I'm just happy that it is happening. I imagine part of these wonderful desires for change are because I am becoming more mindful about how I spend my time and utilized my energy. I have a greater desire to do things that are not only healthy for my body and mind, but also inspirational and meaningful to me and my son.

I'm here with tears in my eyes as I realize that I am finally learning how to live. It's an amazing realization to know that all these years I've been in my pain and have not known true life and living. I'm so very happy to be at this point and I hope and pray for all of us to feel life, embrace life and live life in it's fullness being even more mindful and thoughtful of ourselves and each other.

So let us continue the journey together. This weeks we continue with mindful movement. I may post one or two more videos from this series in the coming weeks. Let me know if you like these videos or if you would rather I post some other kind of exercise. Onward and Upward!

Mindful Chair Yoga: A Playful Practice (20 min)

How Helping My Child Has Helped Me

I'm sitting at my desk thinking of what to do next when I notice the time. It's time to prepare a snack for my son. I think I might prepare a little something for myself as well.

A quick dash to the kitchen and I find a bit of fresh fruit and a few chips for my son while I get a bowl of my new favorite snack, Skinny Pop. Skinny Pop is a wonderful gluten free treat that is light on hips as well as the pocket.

 

Changing our diets due to my son's dietary needs has been a huge benefit for both of us. Not just the foods we eat, but how we eat and when. I've always believed children should have a reasonable eating schedule, however, I did not always add myself into the equation. In recent past it wasn't uncommon for me to prepare foods for my son and nothing for myself. Self starvation was a key factor for me then. It took me leaning to love myself before I could add myself to the healthy pot. Now that I have, I continue to develop even more love for myself. I am able to reap the benefits from the decisions I make for my son. What's good for the goose IS good for the gander.

I often think about where I've come from so I can fully appreciate where I am. When I prepare foods I always prepare enough for two, even if my eating is not in the forefront, it's still part of the plan. I've also become more sensitive to bad habits like wanting to get something to eat everytime we go out, even just to run a few errands. Fortunately with awareness and effort I've managed to reframe from doing that lately. Just today while my son and I were out I felt the urge to grab some fries, but I didn't. Eating a healthy meal before going out helped a lot. The ultimate push is my desire to be a better role model for my son and to implement a healthier eating schedule for both of us.


Anyway, to make a short story just a little bit longer :-) I just wanted to say that I'm really thankful for the changes that I've had to make on behalf of my son, because it opened to door way for me to find the strength to make healthy diet changes for myself. Changes that I never thought I'd be able to make. It never hurts to have a little inspiration.

What inspires you to do good things for yourself? If you can't think of anything, than allow yourself to be your own inspiration. When you truly love someone you don't want to do anything to hurt them. That goes the same for self. If you truly love yourself you will not want to do things that hurt you. It starts of slow and picks up momentum as the love you build for yourself grows.

Choose to live well my friends. Love yourselves, be inspired.

Onward and Upward!

Trusting God: Seeing the Positives

 

 

 

I typically get very anxious when things change suddenly, especially when the changes interrupt routine for a considerable amount of time.

 

 

Last Thursday night I was sitting at my computer working on a couple blog posts and eating a bowl of soup. The soup was delicious I might add, even though my son may beg to differ. I'd been accomplishing many good things and handling negatives better than usual. I'd been uploading transcription software and defragging my computer so it could run a little faster. Everything was moving right along. I decide to reboot my computer and get another bowl of soup. When I returned to my computer the monitor was black. I turned it off, waited 10 seconds and turned it back on. Nothing. I reach over to press the "On" key on my computer. Nothing. I check power connections and tried again...still nothing. Oh no, my computer is dead. All I could think about was the work I would not be able to finish before deadline.

 

Crap! What am I supposed to do now? I call my computer guru, hoping he'd answer. He didn't. I left my desperate plea and hoped to hear from him soon. Rather than continuing to sit at my desk stewing about the loss of my computer, I decided to close up shop and do some housework. It was pretty early in the evening which meant I was going to get a good head start on my nightly routine. Before getting deep into my housework I stopped for a moment to pray. There's something about spending time with God that seems to make everything be okay. I like spending time with God. I like telling Him about my day. I know He already knows, but I like telling to Him anyway. I started off telling Him about my computer and then I stopped...and began to give thanks. I don't like starting a conversation with complaints. Several minutes go by, you would have thought I'd found enough things to be thankful for, but I the more I thanked Him for the more gratitude I felt. Before I knew it, I was thanking God for shutting down my computer, a thing which would have rattled me to my core in the past. Instead of being rattled, I was joyful. I felt free.

 

Later on as my chores came to a close, I found myself thinking about the peace that I felt and how odd it was for me to feel that way. Odd indeed. How could I rejoice over the loss of my computer? Am I going mad? I let the dog out and went into my room to exercise. While exercising I began thinking of the many things that I've wanted to accomplish, but have not because I was at my computer. Hmm, I don't have that excuse right now. Guess I'd better get to getting it... Before I knew it I had plans on deep cleaning my house, activities with my son, outings with friends and so on. My goodness, I didn't realize there were so many other things I've let slip through the cracks because I'm always working on the next project. I wound never have figure that out without the loss of my computer.

 

God answers prayers. It wasn't a week ago when I asked God to help me be able to accomplish more in my day. I also asked Him to help me live a better quality life. Seems I was always working. I can't rest for thinking of things that I think will make our lives better. I wasn't accomplishing enough and frankly speaking I don't feel like I have the energy to do much more. I'm thankful for what I've been able to accomplish, but it's short lived by the guilt I feel for not doing more when I know there is more to be done. More than I sometimes care to think about. Could it be that this turn of events was an answer to my prayers? All evidence seems to point to that. Time to be still so I can receive God's grace.

 

I am super stoked that I was able to find the part I needed for my computer and able to install it myself. Now that my computer is up and running, I can't help but recognize that I have been freed from the chains that bind. I will continue working on my various projects, however, I have learned to see and embrace the bigger picture. I'm looking forward to living a new life having the ability to be apart from my computer without anxiety and guilt tagging along.  

 

The best part...my computer being down did not send me spiraling into depression. I did not have an urge to self-sooth by way of binging. My life is really taking a turn for the better as my trust in God and my ability to see positives in adversity grow stronger.

 

One more thing...

 

I apologize to my patient son who simply smiles as he closes his bedroom door to muffle the sounds of me clicking away on my keyboard. You have been more than kind. You even taught me how to lovingly deal with that which makes me uncomfortable. I thank you for that. I stand in awe as I become more aware of the wisdom that dwells within your silence. Love you Boo-boo. 

Making Progress

Wow! Time is really getting away from me. I can't believe Christmas is next week and the week after we are looking at a brand new year. I'm not going to ask about New Year's resolutions because I don't believe in them. I refuse to start a new year like that. I prefer easing into my year being thankful and hopeful.

How have you been? I'm doing well. My son is doing well also. We've been busy. I came across an acting class for people having disabilities in our local area. How cool is that?! I called the person who is giving the class to find out a few details. After talking it seemed that the class is a very nice class, but not quite what my son needs. That's cool, he's got some other stuff going that is working well for him. I'm actually excited to get him ready for day school which he will start when he's 18. What a relief it is to have a plan for him while he transitions into adulthood. There are so many parents that do not have a concrete plan for their children once they graduate or age out of high school. Fortunately we are involved with a wonderful service provider that created their day school a couple years ago and it is really taking off. They've just recently added yoga classes in addition to all of their other classes. We have two years before he begins and looking forward to it.

Back to calling about the acting class. Even though it was not a perfect fit for my son, there is still some general interest. I also had a very exiting conversation with the instructor and ended up sharing some of my poetry with her. She loved it! I'm so stoked. Shortly after Christmas my son and I are going to see her and one of her friends performing at a local coffee house. I can't tell you the last time we've done that. Wait, let me think...my son might have been 7 or 8...maybe... It's been a long time. I'm exited and looking forward do getting back into the arts and artsy culture. Time to get out of my shell and embrace life again.

Speaking of time. Some days I look at my son and I can't believe how fast the time has gone. One minute I'm worrying about having a healthy pregnancy and the next I'm helping my baby transition into adulthood. Okay, enough of that before I start getting emotional.

Things are going very well with my planned snack attack. Yes indeed! Let's see it is the 16th. I started preparing premeasured snacks on the 7th/8th. I sort of started on the 7th, but was better prepared by the 8th. Had to get some apples and come up with a food plan that did not have triggers in case I wanted to use some of the leftovers for my snack.

So for so good, folks! The first couple night I ate my prepared snack and wanted a little bit more. I didn't fret about it because I was satisfied and contented by the fact that I was not stressing anymore about food intake at night. The next couple nights I ate my prepared snack and was satisfied with just that. I'm doing good and looking forward to doing better. On the 4th, 5th and 6th night I did not eat my prepared snack. Nights 5 and 6 I actually had a snack prepared and on the counter, instantly ready if needed. I did my normal nightly activities of straightening up the house, giving meds, letting out the dog, prayer time, exercise and so on. As the bewitching hour came I noticed that I was not craving food of any kind. As a matter of fact I waiting an additional 30 minutes or so just to see if I would have a craving. Silly I know, but I had to see for myself. I never had the craving and I was getting sleepy which is difficult for me to do unless I've eaten something or I stay up until exhausted (yet another way of trying to combat the need to feed at night). Needless to say on those nights I put my snacks back and gladly ate them for lunch the following day.

I'm feeling pretty confident, but I'm not letting my guard all the way down because we are fast approaching Christmas which is another holiday filled with tempting triggers. I'm going to stick to my guns and plan another healthy meal. A few simple and delicious items should do. I don't think I will make a desert this time. We really didn't miss having desert Thanksgiving. I doubt we will miss it for Christmas. Besides, I can purchase a couple candy canes and leave it at that. Hard candy has never been a trigger for me. Chocolate on the other hand... I'll just leave that alone.

It feels good to be much more comfortable at night. For the last two nights I've been going to bed unusually late. I mean almost at the crack of dawn late. Monday I went to bed around 5:30 am and Tuesday 6:40 something. I'm not sure why I'm not able to fall asleep. I do not feel sad or depressed. I did have a crazy anxiety filled dream a few mornings ago. It kind of messed with me, but I've since gotten over it. I think I have. And I also have a few more memories creeping in from may past, but I am quickly purging those memories into poetry. So I don't know. I feel good and I hope I can get to sleep earlier tonight.

Oh, I almost forgot. I have started exercising an additional 10-15 minutes during the day, not everyday yet, but soon. I really enjoyed it today and will work harder to carve that time out during the day more consistently. Of course, I will have my workout tonight since that is my special treat.

Okay that's pretty much it for me. Tonight for dinner I made a quick stove top version of tuna casserole with a little extra tuna and sweet peas and a simple salad. It was delicious.  

Hugs to you all. Goodnight.

Feeling Inspired

I was skyping with my cousin a few days ago. She was depressed about her weight and other health issues. We talked for a long time. I know what it's like to say you want to do something for yourself and not be able to do it. I'm sure those who've read this blog have seen my struggles with that very subject.

It wasn't that long ago when I was saying the same things my cousin said to me. I knew that I wanted to do more for myself, but could not bring myself to follow through. Changing my eating habits alone is not enough for me to obtain my goals...at least the goals I've set for dealing with my body image.

Anyway, my cousin and I talked extensively about the costs of gym memberships. Even the YMCA is costly and neither one of us has an extra $350 lying around to pay for a yearly membership. Then it hits me. What is my favorite go to place when I'm looking for information on most anything? (drum roll) YouTube!

It didn't take long for me to find a long line of health and fitness videos. I only had to narrow it down to something that we both can do and enjoy. Due to health issues, my cousin's mobility is limited and due to my having been inactive for so long I need to crawl my way back into a good fitness routine. What I found addressed both of our needs. There is a short series of videos designed for people having limited mobility. Does not matter if you are limited because of weight, health or age. It is also designed for beginning fitness enthusiasts as well. What I like most about these videos is there step program which starts off with exercise routines done from a sitting position and slowly works you up to doing full workouts from a standing position. How cool is that?!

I strongly recommend for anyone who has not worked out in a very long time like myself or is starting to work out for the very first time to consult your physician about starting any exercise program.

One of my most favorite aspects of these videos is that fact that you start from a sitting position. If I'm not working with my son, also usually from a sitting position, I am at my desk working on different projects. I do get up frequently to check on my son, get housework done and cook, but it's not enough movement to make a difference in my health. I can safely say the majority of my days is spent in a sitting position. These videos are just perfect for me. What better way to begin incorporating exercise into my daily routine?! It's easy, affordable, workable and proving to be beneficial.

WARNING: For those who are sensitive to seeing exercise activity please do not watch the video below.

Here is the video of Stage 1, episode 1 Workout Launchpad - Beginner Stage

I think this is a wonderful way to get moving even if you are in relatively good shape. I'm enjoying how I feel about myself after completing this work out. It's done wonders for me just to know that I am important enough to myself to take 26 minutes to do something wonderful and beneficial just for me.

I am still doing well with eating. I've taken on a new love and appreciation for my home cooking and love...love...love cooking healthy, delicious meals for myself and my family.

I still have a late snack on occasion and I've had 1 or 2 nights where the call to binge was stronger than it had been for awhile. It was very short lived. My eating schedule is better and I feel good...not just good...also good about myself. That is what's most important to me know...feeling good about myself.

Onward and Upward!!!!

Hugs to you all! Keep up the good fight.

July 7, 2014

Greetings everyone! I hope you all had a lovely break over the weeks end.

I've been thinking about you all quite a bit. I don't know your stories or even if many of you have experienced some sort of eating disorder or even addition. Whatever your story, I hope that you are well. I hope that I have been able to share something meaningful to you. And I totally understand if you don't wish to share your thoughts here. Having any kind of addiction or ED can be very difficult to talk about.

I've been talking to people around ED a lot lately, more so than ever before. I guess the main thing is my desire to encourage them to try healthier measures for dealing with pain. As I talk with other people, I find that my mind continues to explore all the facets of the roots to this long-term problem of mine. At first I found it a bit redundant to continue revisiting past questions, that is...until it started paying off. I've discovered there are many layers to how and why my ED developed. Layers that I did not recognize before, but make so much sense. Filling in the gaps, I believe is what I'd call it.

In earlier posts, I wrote about the beginning of the development of my NES desperately needing to be comforted by something that seemingly would not hurt me as I had fallen into a world filled with hurt and shame...a world without escape.

I discovered another thing about myself. I needed to feel some sense of control. I had not control over any aspect of my life including my own emotions, but I could control my eating during the day and relished the planning of eating at night. Does this sound familiar to any of you? In addition to the need to have some sort of control I also had a strong desire to be heard, to be recognized, to be seen as human. I wanted my parents to see me hurt myself. I wanted to show them see how much I hated what they wanted of me. I did everything to destroy the perfection they sought. Then too, maybe they'd feel sorry for me and feel something for me other than hate, but they didn't. How could they? What I was doing was fueling their fire. I made them hate me even more for my rebellion against their desires. Even still, I thought my parents would have some measure of sympathy for me if the pain were self inflicted. Instead they just let it happen. There was probably some measure of satisfaction watching me starve myself in the interest of loosing weight. No wonder their outrage when I stepped on a scale to find that I had gained weight instead.

I try not to dwell on my situation too much. I'm not trying to draw negativity or be depressed. What I hope for is to be able to see the bigger picture. I need to confront all of my demons. As I've said before and will continue to say...The recovery process required more than simply addressing the undesired behaviors it required digging deep and find the root cause for the behaviors. That is when the healing begins.

So I guess the question is... What have I done with my new found self discovery? Well, what I have done so far is to recognize that I need to find healthier ways to cope with my pain. Writing this blog is certainly one of them, but I believe that I need a few more healthy options. Also, this new discovery of self had lead to me assessing my relationships and why they exhaust me. I'm exhausted by my relationships because I was fulfilling a need to be heard on a level that I could manage. I'd even go so far as to say that I played a roll that was conducive to my need to be needed. And the biggest part of that fulfillment was to stand on my soap box and command my audience. How lame is that?

My need to be heard and my need to be needed was my new way of self soothing. All the while, I was still binging and starving, but my physical needs were no longer noticeable. It was my emotional need that took precedence. Perhaps that is why denial of the physical element of my ED came so easy.

I am proud to say that I am no longer the pompous blowhard and self proclaimed therapist that I was. My relationships are different. I will admit, I've lost some friends along the way, but it's okay. Those relationships were poison. For the few who stayed and the new arrivals, I try my best to be a much better friend. I strive to be a better listener, but not one who hones in on others problems, just to listen, simply for the sake of listening because we all have a right to be heard. I speak more, not to offer advice, but to share life experience and to encourage. I am working on not judging those who's opinions are different from mine. I seek healthy exchanged...give and take. Friendships should never be one-sided. I'd like to post more on the subject of friendships/relationship. Do you think that would be something you'd be interested in reading about?

There may be times that we find ourselves wanting to pull away from those we see as negative or at least contributors to our negativity only to find that we land in the lap of another who is equally or even more negative than the last. Perhaps it is not recognizable because it's a different kind of negative. Doesn't matter, a negative is a negative and it all feels the same.

My eating has been pretty good. I won't say that I've been very timely during my daytime eating, but I am eating healthy, whole meals in appropriate portions. I am back to eating a pre-measured night time snack each night. There are some nights that I really want to eat more and sometimes I do, but it's not out of control like it once was. I am completely aware of my actions. I am a work in progress, but I am making improvements.

Also, I continue to feel better about myself. I continue wanting to embrace myself and see myself with my own eyes which is working for me. I am able to stand up for myself better. I can voice when something makes me feel uncomfortable. I've noticed that a few of my longtime friends don't like the recent changes in me. These are the friends that are accustomed to feeding into my need to be needed as well as feeding their need to be heard. They're fighting to reclaim center stage and they may have it, just not with me. It feels good to be freed from another chain that binds. It feels real good...

June 23, 2014

It's Monday afternoon. I'm doing pretty well. Still have not eaten today, but I'm working on it. It's been 4 nights of insomnia already. I have had insomnia episodes last as long as 2 weeks. I really don't mind because there's always so much I could be doing.

My body's starting to get a little tired. I'm moving slower today. My mind is very alert right now. I'm still getting sleepy between the hours of 6 and 8pm, but shorty afterwards I am fully awake and alert well into the wee hours of the morning. I'm not allowing myself to take naps when I feel sleepy. I don't want to help the non-sleep process that I'm going through.

I've been very productive for the last 3 nights and I wake up feeling like I'm ready to do so much more. Being an insomniac has it's perks.

I've been very good about not binging late night. Even with cake and cookies in the house. It's odd isn't it? I guess I can attribute some of that to not stressing about falling asleep. I'm enjoying myself too much. However, my daytime eating is suffering. I don't understand why I can't get daytime and nighttime eating in sync. Seems when I get one under control the other wants to get whacky. Why is that? And how do I combat it? I'm gonna have to pray about this and look to see what I can find to help me figure this out.

Okay it is 2:39pm, I'm off to get fix myself something to eat. Hope you all are having a good day. And remember not to beat yourselves up if you have trouble eating like you should today. Don't stress about it, just try to do better. It will get better in time.

June 15, 2014

Hey everyone! I'm still here, taking it one day at a time. I haven't been writing much because I've been catching up on many other things that I've put on back burners. For one, I really needed to clean my office. It was a complete and total disaster.

Truth is...I have a strong aversion to snail mail. I don't like dealing with it so I stack it in piles, put it in bags or boxes and try to forget it's there. I've hated mail since my single digit years. It all started with the back of a cereal box. My favorite cereal had a cut out on the back of the box. The instructions were to answer the questions and follow simple instructions, place all requested items in an envelope and mail. What we were to get in return was a host of cool toys. I followed the instructions as requested and excitedly put my envelope in the mail. I waited with great anticipation and pride for sending out my first piece of mail. How cool was it going to be to receive a letter written to me? I waited and waited for weeks, checking the mail several times a day. Finally the great day arrived when my mom handed me an envelope with my name on it. I stared at it for a few moments and then tore into it to gain my prizes. A dark cloud came over me as I stared at a few chintzy paper objects. Where were the great toys they promised?! I was all a lie. I threw everything away and never cared to see another piece of mail again. Sad to say I still feel the same way. There's something very wrong with adults not seeming to care about lying to children, but all hell fire and brimstone to the child who knowingly tells a lie, even if forced to do so.

Hmm, maybe that's why I felt such a perverse pleasure in selling confessions to the goodie two shoe children having nothing to confess on Fridays. After all, it was mandatory to confess every Friday no matter what. As children we were forced to share our secrets or tell lies to people who could do no more for us than to tell us how may Hail Mary's to say.

When I was 4 or 5 years old I enquired about babies and where they came from. I didn't much care how they got into the stomachs of mommies. I was more curious about how they got out. As usual, when I pursued an answer I went full throttle. After having cornered my mother in the kitchen for several minutes of intense inquiry, a few lies later she points to the garden and instructs me to check the cabbage patch for babies. This was her last ditch effort to get me off her back and redirect my attention, especially since I clearly wasn't going for the babies are brought home by storks bit. So, I ran out to the cabbage patch, spending the next several hours carefully checking under each cabbage multiple times. By the beginning of sunset I realized that my efforts were fruitless and once again I'd been told a lie. I was livid. I stormed up to the house, threw open the back door and screamed to the top of my lungs, "YOU LIED! I bet you don't know where babies really come anyway!" And I stormed off to my room where I sat stewing in my mother's deceit.

Funny how the simplest things from childhood still affect me, even to this today. It is because of my mother's lies that I refused to tell a lie to my son. I don't know if that's a totally good thing or not. My son will never know the common joys of childhood fairytales like Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy. Life though joyful and filled with love can be very matter of fact. I hope he doesn't look back on his life with the level of scourge that I have for my past. I hope that he will appreciate truth as much as I would have, had I'd been given the chance to experience it.

I've been doing quite well with my daytime eating. I'm at the point where my body wants to eat and my mind is settled for now. It's really a fear of the discomfort I feel when starting to eat too late in the day. I'm thankful for that fear as it has given me the will and the drive to make sure that I get in at least two really good meals during the day.

Nighttime has been a little more challenging. I've not had a major binge, but I am still binging most nights. Since the last time I've posted I had only a couple successful nights. I am aware that I am having these urges and I am doing all I can to break the cycle again. If I need to eat, I try to get something small. I usually have two small servings of something before feeling like I can go to sleep. Another part of the problem is I'm eating later at night. Dinner time has not been at the previously scheduled time. I find myself eating dinner around 9-10pm. I'm not going to spaz out about this because I don't need to fill my head with guilt. That will only make matter worse. I'll just keep trying to work my way back to a better dinner time and one small snack before bed.

In these past few weeks I've been more active than I have been for quite some time. It's all of the reorganizing and hauling out unneeded stuff. I've noticed that I feel physically better and I want to keep feeling this way. The good thing is that I'm starting to exercise a little. I've not done so everyday, but I've exercised for several days and working hard to continue. I feel so much better when I've been active. I had forgotten how being active made me feel. Most of the time I'm working at my desk which leaves me with little more than a wide, flat posterior. I feel exhausted at the end of the day and could not pinpoint why. When active, I'm tired at the end of the day, but still able to function and my mind is very alert. Yep, it's time to tighten up...literally and sweat my way back to a healthier lifestyle.

Feeling Better: Making Decisions 5/26/14

My last post was pretty intense, at least it was for me. I needed to get my emotions out. Felt like I was drowning. I needed to release. I wasn't my best for a few days after. There was no binging, but I had to resume my late night snack to keep from binging. Trying to wean myself off of late snacks again, was doing pretty well until recently.


In lieu of our recent holiday, Memorial Day, I've had to make some decisions about food and entertainment. I thought it best not to cook out because that would leave me with too much cooked food in the house. It would be better to eat out, which limits my intake. For a brief moment I thought about ordering an additional sandwich or entre to take home, but quickly dismissed the thought. No extra foods allowed!


I wanted to treat myself to one of my favorite things which is orange peels dipped in chocolate. Its not something I get often and it's been over a year since the last time I treated myself, so, I went to the Chocolate Factory and purchased a few pieces and 3 pieces of chocolate covered seafoam. My candy purchase should last a couple weeks. Ironically I've never binged on chocolates. I guess it's because I'm not a lover of chocolate and rarely have it in the house. I usually eat 3 or 4 pieces of the chocolate covered orange peel at a time. They are small, but quite satisfying.


Last night I wanted something a little sweet. I did not turn to my chocolate, but ate strawberries with a homemade fruit dip. It was delicious. A perfect treat at the end of a good day.


I'm trying to figure out what's the best way to deal with my desire to lose weight. I don't want to think about pounds and calories. Should I think of myself in body parts, like focusing on my stomach, thighs or bottom? I don't think that will work for me either. Thoughts of that nature can easily turn into obsessions. Perhaps I will think of muscle groups. That's not the same as thinking about my girth. I could focus on strengthening, elongating, stretching, but not so much sculpting. It needs to be more about my health, not my weight. No numbers allowed! That's the funny thing about weight loss. You can't really accurately measure pound lost because as fat is lost muscle is gained. There's a counter balance there that may lead you to believe that you've gained weight or are at a stand still. Not a good situation for a person with an eating disorder. Okay then, that settles it. I believe the best way for me to begin working on my physical self is to focus on that which is less damning and that will be my muscles. It's worth a shot.


Yesterday was a bad eating day, during the day that is... My son and I had plans to eat out with friends. I wanted to eat that morning, but dismissed it because I was eating out and didn't want to consume too many calories. I'm not trying to make any excuses. I know I should have eaten earlier. We did not get to the eatery until after 3pm. My energy level was plummeting. I order the shrimp and fries with a large glass of water. I managed to eat all of my shrimp, but not many of the fries. It wasn't long after that I began to feel awful. The top of my stomach started aching and I began having mild heart palpitations periodically. I've heard of having heart palpitations when severe restriction occurs, but for me it's different. My body lies dormant while I'm in starvation mode. I feel okay with exception to feeling very tired as it gets later in the day. Shortly after consuming a meal (something more than crackers) I start feeling sick. My body does not adjust well from starvation mode to eating mode. It's like my body goes into shock because I've eaten. It usually takes about an hour before I start to feel better. I'm not sure what all is occurring inside my body. I just know that 38 years of having an eating disorder has done damage. If I eat as I should I don't have these problems.


Nothing showed up in my last physical. I think next time I go to the doctor's office I'll mention my symptoms and see what they say.


I made a point not to hold out on food today. I ate a good breakfast, 2 eggs, cheese, leftover veggies and water. For lunch I ate pears in extra light syrup. This is not an ideal meal, but it's something. Dinner was chicken fajitas with lots of veggies, a little rice and beans, no tortillas and water.

April 7, 2014

Hey there, just checking in with a quick note. I didn't post yesterday. Sometimes after breakthroughs or purging of thoughts, I need to take a mental break to fully process everything. It allows time for more memories and thoughts to come to the forefront. I liken it to emptying a large container of water. After a container is emptied, it takes a while to fill up again.


I hope you all are doing well. I'm still feeling empowered from my latest epiphany. My eating is a little better. Of course, it will take time for me to get where I want with my eating. The best part of this is the internal strength that I've gained, not giving in to the whims of my mind or the lies that it tells. I don't have to rely on cues to tell me when to eat. I have times. Time is much easier to focus on. Time does not operate out of emotional pain. Time will not tell me not to eat nor make me feel guilty when I do or don't. Time is just time and nothing else. Whew, a mighty weight has been lifted.


Yesterday I ate breakfast around 11:30am or so. I had two packs of peanut butter crackers. I ate two because I want get used to the idea of eating more and since I'm already comfortable with the crackers it was less offensive to just get another pack as opposed to eating another food. Lunch was a little late, just after 3:30pm. I ate two scrambled eggs, no toast and water. We had company yesterday evening and decided to go out for Chinese food. I ate chicken mei fen, which is super thin rice noodles served with chicken, eggs and onion. It was delicious. I shared some with one of my guests and ate the rest. I also ordered two spring rolls which were lettuce and imitation crab meat rolled up in a rice wrap. I usually go for the fried stuff, but aimed for healthier this time. I knew the mei fen would not hold me all night, so I ate the spring rolls for my late night snack. They were very light and satisfying.


Funny, how I have to trick myself into doing little things to encourage healthy change. I don't particularly like the idea of tricking myself, but I'm at war. An internal war is going on inside my head. That old familiar part of my mind that has mastered avoiding food is as war with the new and healthier part of my mind that wants to adhere to the scheduled eating times. In the morning, when I first think of eating breakfast, my old mind jumps right in and focuses on something else that has nothing to do with eating. In the past, I could go on for hours before thinking of eating again. My new mind kicks in much earlier. So now, when I find myself busy doing other things rather than focusing on eating my new mind cues in and reminds me that I have a set eating time that I need to maintain. Even if I'm off an hour or so, when I think about my eating schedule I immediately get up and get something to eat. No more hesitation at that point like it is with my old mind. This is a bit of a miracle. That's why I can say I definitely love the new strength that I've gained over the past few days.


I'm still taking baby steps, but my steps don't feel so shaky now.


Today I ate breakfast around 11:30 again. I had two packs of peanut butter crackers and water. I didn't eat lunch because I was busy getting ready for my therapy session. This is not an excuse, just a fact. My appointment was at 3:30 which is a common eating time for me. I thought about eating another pack of crackers, but the thought soon left my mind as I turned my attention to what I wanted to take to my session. I'll have to come up with a better plan on days when I have appointments. I won't have extra things to keep me busy tomorrow. It will be the normal schedule. I think I will do much better then. Dinner was shortly after 5pm. I stopped at McDonald's and bought a fish sandwich with fries, no drink and a meal for my son. I can't really say why I didn't want a drink with my meal. Still haven't figured that out yet. I've always purchased a drink with my meal. It's a treat to have something surgery because I usually drink water. Today, I preferred just having water. I'll consider this another good change. Perhaps one day I'll be able to eliminate the meal all together making it a monthly treat instead of a weekly treat.


As I work on changing my eating daytime eating habits, I must keep in mind to fill myself with healthy calories instead of junk. When I make healthy food choices I crave less high carb, high fat foods. My body actually loves healthy foods, especially vegetables, it's my mind that wants the other stuff.


Well, my break  is over. I have many more thoughts to purge. I'll definitely post again tomorrow. Take care and have a peaceful night or day wherever you are. Remember to work on being good to yourselves. Love yourselves and if that's too hard try liking yourself. Baby steps.


We'll get through this together.