The last few days haven't been so bad. My nighttime feedings seemed to be slowly fading away until last night.
I don't know what was going on with me last night. I could not sleep no matter how hard I tried. I even had a couple glasses of wine and that didn't help. As a matter of fact, I didn't enjoy the wine at all. I started snacking. First I got a hand full of chips. The taste was awful and I struggled to eat them. Even though I struggled I didn't stop until the last one was gone. Unsatisfied I continued to toss and turn again. Things were different last night. It wasn't my mind roaming through the kitchen as it has in the past, it was my emotional state that was searching for comfort. I just wanted to relax and go to sleep.
My mind was racing. Bad thoughts creeping in...memories of my past that I really didn't want to deal with...not tonight. I can't seem to calm myself. I'm pacing the floor and visiting the bathroom frequently to look at my self in the mirror. I reminded myself to love myself, but that wasn't the issue. My love for myself is growing. This wasn't about self it was simply about comfort. I was emotionally and physically uncomfortable. Could it be hormones? I am of that age. Could this be PTSD? I think I'm becoming hyper vigilant. Starting to feel like something's going to happen. What the hell?! I just want to go to sleep.
I check on my son. He's sleeping peacefully and so is our little Ginger. I check the locks on the doors and make sure all the windows are shut. I turn on the back light to see if anything is going on outside. I peer out of the front window and everything is still.
Everything is fine, but I still can't sleep.
I've been praying more lately. Mostly being thankful for all God has graciously done for me. I felt fine while praying last night...I think. As the night went on the feeling of being out of sorts increased. I should have been paying more attention. As I recall, memories started coming in a couple nights ago. It wasn't too terribly bad...the usual. I did have a nightmare a few nights ago also. One of those reoccurring nightmares where I'm running from something or someone the entire time. I am so exhausted after a night of running in my dreams. I usually remember these thing and take mental note of them, but I didn't this time. I hate being this way.
I tossed and turned for another hour or so and then I went back to the kitchen. I need comfort. What will give me comfort? And then I thought...ice cream. That's it! Usually when I eat something sweet is sooths me right to sleep. I had one twix ice cream bar left. This should do it. I ate the ice cream and waited for the sugar to kick in. I think I felt a little comforted, but it wasn't enough. Not to mention I didn't even enjoy the taste. It's like my mind stopped working properly and my taste buds became overly sensitive. The salt from the chips actually burned my tongue a little. That was a first. The taste of everything was over-exaggerated.
What's else can I do? There's nothing. I could take a sleep aide, but I don't because my son may call for me in the middle of the night. Sometimes he has nose bleeds or needs albuterol. I have to be able to hear him if he needs me. I'm so tired. Tired of going to the kitchen. It's not working for me anyway. Tired of walking around the house checking to see if everything is okay. Tired of flipping from side to side in my bed. I've gotta go to sleep. I can't take this funky feeling anymore. Need to sleep.
I'm no stranger to insomnia. Usually it's welcomed. Sleepless hours are the time when I get lots of writing done or perhaps work on a drawing. I quite enjoy the quite stillness of the house, however, I didn't feel the joy last night. I hope tonight is better. I'm still not quite myself. Past memories are still haunting me. If it gets bad for me again tonight I'm going to do something different. I'm going to exorcise. Why didn't I think of that last night? I can do some stretches and deep breathing, maybe even try meditation. That's it! Choose to take a healthier path and a healthier view of what's happening. I can't stop it, so I'm going to have to manage it.
My eating today was not too good. I ate my first meal around 1:30 and only then because I continue to fear waiting too long to eat and experiencing the dreaded pain and discomfort afterwards. When I did decide to eat I had something light. It was left over orzo with tomatoes and veggies. That settled well on my stomach. For dinner we had a vegetable medley and oven baked popcorn shrimp.
Tonight I will pray as I usual and hope the bad images in my head fade again. I used to get angry when this happened. How could my parents be such pigs and do what they did to me! Why couldn't I have been precious in their eyes? I don't get that angry anymore. It's not worth it. I loved my parents...despite what they did. I had no one else to love and they were all I knew. I just wish the bad memories would go away. I'm beginning to make some peace with what they did to me. It's easier when I am able to feel self worth. I'm getting better about feeling self worth. Okay...I've put my thoughts to paper. Perhaps I will find a measure of peace from this. Tomorrow is another day.
Goodnight my friends, pleasant dreams.
Showing posts with label Night Binging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Night Binging. Show all posts
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Sunday, June 15, 2014
June 15, 2014
Hey everyone! I'm still here, taking it one day at a time. I haven't been writing much because I've been catching up on many other things that I've put on back burners. For one, I really needed to clean my office. It was a complete and total disaster.
Truth is...I have a strong aversion to snail mail. I don't like dealing with it so I stack it in piles, put it in bags or boxes and try to forget it's there. I've hated mail since my single digit years. It all started with the back of a cereal box. My favorite cereal had a cut out on the back of the box. The instructions were to answer the questions and follow simple instructions, place all requested items in an envelope and mail. What we were to get in return was a host of cool toys. I followed the instructions as requested and excitedly put my envelope in the mail. I waited with great anticipation and pride for sending out my first piece of mail. How cool was it going to be to receive a letter written to me? I waited and waited for weeks, checking the mail several times a day. Finally the great day arrived when my mom handed me an envelope with my name on it. I stared at it for a few moments and then tore into it to gain my prizes. A dark cloud came over me as I stared at a few chintzy paper objects. Where were the great toys they promised?! I was all a lie. I threw everything away and never cared to see another piece of mail again. Sad to say I still feel the same way. There's something very wrong with adults not seeming to care about lying to children, but all hell fire and brimstone to the child who knowingly tells a lie, even if forced to do so.
Hmm, maybe that's why I felt such a perverse pleasure in selling confessions to the goodie two shoe children having nothing to confess on Fridays. After all, it was mandatory to confess every Friday no matter what. As children we were forced to share our secrets or tell lies to people who could do no more for us than to tell us how may Hail Mary's to say.
When I was 4 or 5 years old I enquired about babies and where they came from. I didn't much care how they got into the stomachs of mommies. I was more curious about how they got out. As usual, when I pursued an answer I went full throttle. After having cornered my mother in the kitchen for several minutes of intense inquiry, a few lies later she points to the garden and instructs me to check the cabbage patch for babies. This was her last ditch effort to get me off her back and redirect my attention, especially since I clearly wasn't going for the babies are brought home by storks bit. So, I ran out to the cabbage patch, spending the next several hours carefully checking under each cabbage multiple times. By the beginning of sunset I realized that my efforts were fruitless and once again I'd been told a lie. I was livid. I stormed up to the house, threw open the back door and screamed to the top of my lungs, "YOU LIED! I bet you don't know where babies really come anyway!" And I stormed off to my room where I sat stewing in my mother's deceit.
Funny how the simplest things from childhood still affect me, even to this today. It is because of my mother's lies that I refused to tell a lie to my son. I don't know if that's a totally good thing or not. My son will never know the common joys of childhood fairytales like Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy. Life though joyful and filled with love can be very matter of fact. I hope he doesn't look back on his life with the level of scourge that I have for my past. I hope that he will appreciate truth as much as I would have, had I'd been given the chance to experience it.
I've been doing quite well with my daytime eating. I'm at the point where my body wants to eat and my mind is settled for now. It's really a fear of the discomfort I feel when starting to eat too late in the day. I'm thankful for that fear as it has given me the will and the drive to make sure that I get in at least two really good meals during the day.
Nighttime has been a little more challenging. I've not had a major binge, but I am still binging most nights. Since the last time I've posted I had only a couple successful nights. I am aware that I am having these urges and I am doing all I can to break the cycle again. If I need to eat, I try to get something small. I usually have two small servings of something before feeling like I can go to sleep. Another part of the problem is I'm eating later at night. Dinner time has not been at the previously scheduled time. I find myself eating dinner around 9-10pm. I'm not going to spaz out about this because I don't need to fill my head with guilt. That will only make matter worse. I'll just keep trying to work my way back to a better dinner time and one small snack before bed.
In these past few weeks I've been more active than I have been for quite some time. It's all of the reorganizing and hauling out unneeded stuff. I've noticed that I feel physically better and I want to keep feeling this way. The good thing is that I'm starting to exercise a little. I've not done so everyday, but I've exercised for several days and working hard to continue. I feel so much better when I've been active. I had forgotten how being active made me feel. Most of the time I'm working at my desk which leaves me with little more than a wide, flat posterior. I feel exhausted at the end of the day and could not pinpoint why. When active, I'm tired at the end of the day, but still able to function and my mind is very alert. Yep, it's time to tighten up...literally and sweat my way back to a healthier lifestyle.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Investigating Commitment - March 24, 2014
Tomorrow is our first month anniversary. I promise not to go crazy and talk about anniversaries every month. Our next major milestone will be at 6 months and then 1 year. I still can't believe its been a month already, feels like it's only been a few days. In essence, it has only been a few days, I guess. Nonetheless, this is a major deal.
Clearly I've had and still do have commitment issues with blogging, exercising and other healthy habits. I don't seem to have any trouble committing to wanting a healthier existence or figuring out how to live a healthier existence. Where my difficulty lies is committing to some of the steps it takes to achieve a healthier existence. There's a huge difference between the two. Does that make sense? It seems kind of weird to me, albeit a fact.
I'm going to take a closer look at this thing called commitment. Its no secret that I am in awe of people who are able to overcome insurmountable odds. I wonder what it's like to have the level of commitment it takes to achieve such extraordinary goals. How do they do that? What is the thing that propels them towards success? And why can't I manage to hold onto the inspiration received from hearing their stories?
The best course to take on this leg of my journey is to begin with the definition of that which is the "stuff" of inspirational motivation...commitment. Here are a couple definitions.
The first definition for commitment is functional enough, but rather boring. I'd much prefer to use the second definition found in Urban Dictionary, and it reads:
1.
Clearly I've had and still do have commitment issues with blogging, exercising and other healthy habits. I don't seem to have any trouble committing to wanting a healthier existence or figuring out how to live a healthier existence. Where my difficulty lies is committing to some of the steps it takes to achieve a healthier existence. There's a huge difference between the two. Does that make sense? It seems kind of weird to me, albeit a fact.
I'm going to take a closer look at this thing called commitment. Its no secret that I am in awe of people who are able to overcome insurmountable odds. I wonder what it's like to have the level of commitment it takes to achieve such extraordinary goals. How do they do that? What is the thing that propels them towards success? And why can't I manage to hold onto the inspiration received from hearing their stories?
The best course to take on this leg of my journey is to begin with the definition of that which is the "stuff" of inspirational motivation...commitment. Here are a couple definitions.
com·mit·ment
kəˈmitmənt/
noun
noun: commitment; plural noun: commitments
- 1.the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc."the company's commitment to quality"
synonyms: dedication, devotion, allegiance, loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity
1.
Commitment is what
Transforms the promise into reality.
It is the words that speak
Boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak
Louder than the words.
It is making the time
When there is none.
Coming through time
After time after time,
Year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff
Character is made of;
The power to change
The face of things.
It is the daily triumph
Of integrity over skepticism.
Transforms the promise into reality.
It is the words that speak
Boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak
Louder than the words.
It is making the time
When there is none.
Coming through time
After time after time,
Year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff
Character is made of;
The power to change
The face of things.
It is the daily triumph
Of integrity over skepticism.
When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard.
by Ashbash January 13, 2005
This is the very thing that I want to achieve...the ability to commit to that which will helps facilitate mental, physical and spiritual healing...CHANGE!
Today I ate breakfast at 11:38am. I had a small portion of leftover rice with chicken, tomatoes and okra with a cup of water. Since I ate breakfast late, I had a snack at 3:47pm. I ate turkey ham, cheese and crackers with a cup of water. I also shared the cinnamon bun with my son this afternoon, right after snack. For Dinner I had the remainder of leftover rice, chicken and veggies with 4 fresh salmon fritters and water. For my late night snack I will have a small bowl of raisin bran cereal and milk.
Tomorrow I will resume taking 5 minutes to exercise.
"I have hope for a healthier tomorrow because I know the rest of my life begins today."
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
March 19, 2014
I did not write a post for yesterday. It was pretty much the same as the day before. Not really hungry. Feeling very tired. I think I'm coming to the end of a pretty large wave of events. It's been a difficult two weeks. Things are getting done...responsibilities taken care of. Finishing up a few more items on my check list and then I brace myself for next week...next month...whatever. Reset...it starts all over again.
Today I'm almost too tired to care about anything. Still feeling very tired. Everything in my being has been so rigid and now it's time to relax. This is time that I'm most vulnerable to depression. I will have to be even more mindful of my eating. Relaxing means there will be a need to feel comforted. I'm hoping to find comfort in other ways. I plan listen to music this evening, maybe play a couple online games. Anything to help me relax. I don't need anymore stressors right now. Too tired. I'll focus on eating, drinking water and resting today.
My son's cold is getting better. He's still coughing some, but not nearly as much as the other day. I can relax a little about that, but I'm always keeping an eye on him because he's had such hard times with colds in the past. Been staying on top of it. Feeling good about that.
Thank goodness the weekend is near. I can rest for a bit, try not to worry about anything and then face the next week refreshed. I will find the strength to carry on with my mission...my desire for a healthier life.
I may write another post about my childhood later. I'm not sure. If not today...then tomorrow, if energy permits. I have lots of writing projects going. I should spend more time working on them. That will be a good late night distraction.
Today for breakfast I had 2 packs of peanut butter crackers. Lunch was 3 scrambled eggs with chicken, two slices of bread and water. Not sure about dinner tonight. I'll think about that later. I was feeling a little light headed and hungry. I'm hoping a nap will help me feel better. I could be coming down with my son's cold.
Today I'm almost too tired to care about anything. Still feeling very tired. Everything in my being has been so rigid and now it's time to relax. This is time that I'm most vulnerable to depression. I will have to be even more mindful of my eating. Relaxing means there will be a need to feel comforted. I'm hoping to find comfort in other ways. I plan listen to music this evening, maybe play a couple online games. Anything to help me relax. I don't need anymore stressors right now. Too tired. I'll focus on eating, drinking water and resting today.
My son's cold is getting better. He's still coughing some, but not nearly as much as the other day. I can relax a little about that, but I'm always keeping an eye on him because he's had such hard times with colds in the past. Been staying on top of it. Feeling good about that.
Thank goodness the weekend is near. I can rest for a bit, try not to worry about anything and then face the next week refreshed. I will find the strength to carry on with my mission...my desire for a healthier life.
I may write another post about my childhood later. I'm not sure. If not today...then tomorrow, if energy permits. I have lots of writing projects going. I should spend more time working on them. That will be a good late night distraction.
Today for breakfast I had 2 packs of peanut butter crackers. Lunch was 3 scrambled eggs with chicken, two slices of bread and water. Not sure about dinner tonight. I'll think about that later. I was feeling a little light headed and hungry. I'm hoping a nap will help me feel better. I could be coming down with my son's cold.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
March 15, 2014
Having some issues with anxiety for the past few days. Not unbearable, but very noticeable. I'm getting to the point where I want to be in my house. Been out quite a bit and am needing a break from the rest of the world.
Today's food intake was a little better than yesterday. I ate my usual breakfast of peanut butter crackers and water this morning at 8:47am. Lunch was a little late. Even though a good friend called me at 1pm with a lunchtime reminder, I still did not get around to eating until after 2pm. For lunch I had leftovers from last night's dinner, veggie, pasta and turkey sausage dish and a cup of water. It was just enough. Dinner consisted of 3 chicken wings (fried), approx. 2 tbls. mac-n-cheese and approx. 2 tbls. string beans and a cup of Snapple grape punch.
I'm not feeling enthusiastic about meal preparations lately. That concerns me a great deal. Not being excited or at least have a mental picture of what to prepare can potentially leave me open to bad eating behaviors. I'm starting to get tired of eating to some extent even though I want so much to eat like a normal person. Not sure how to combat this. I refuse to get overly worked up. It could be my anxiety rising that's triggering my urge for non-compliance.
The odd thing about all of this. I don't really have an urge for a late night snack. There is a little danger lurking. I have cake in the house. Two slices of butter pound cake with vanilla frosting. I wanted to eat mine right after dinner, but I was already satisfied. The chances of this slice of cake seeing the light of day tomorrow is slim to none. I don't mind eating the cake itself, I just don't want eating something sweet to trigger an urge for a larger feed. Not to mention that I need to be sure to give my son his slice or else that one will be consumed also. I don't usually have deserts lying around the house, so this is a treat for us. There may be the occasional cookie or frozen yogurt, but cake...now that's something special. I love to bake, but I dare not, unless it's a holiday and we're having friends and family over. Controlling late night urges to binge will completely break down if I have a whole cake in the house. Freezing it won't work either. And I promise you, I really don't want to see myself walking around sucking on another piece of frozen cake...been there...done that.
It's 10:08 now. Not sure what to do about the cake. I'm starting to regret having it. If I don't eat it tonight, then when is a good time to eat it. Do I wait for an urge for something sweet to hit? If I do, I could end up throwing my cake away. I wouldn't be the first time.
Okay, I'm going to get ready for bed. I'll put the cake away. If I want it bad enough...I'll eat it and if I can forget it, then I'll worry about it tomorrow.
Today's food intake was a little better than yesterday. I ate my usual breakfast of peanut butter crackers and water this morning at 8:47am. Lunch was a little late. Even though a good friend called me at 1pm with a lunchtime reminder, I still did not get around to eating until after 2pm. For lunch I had leftovers from last night's dinner, veggie, pasta and turkey sausage dish and a cup of water. It was just enough. Dinner consisted of 3 chicken wings (fried), approx. 2 tbls. mac-n-cheese and approx. 2 tbls. string beans and a cup of Snapple grape punch.
I'm not feeling enthusiastic about meal preparations lately. That concerns me a great deal. Not being excited or at least have a mental picture of what to prepare can potentially leave me open to bad eating behaviors. I'm starting to get tired of eating to some extent even though I want so much to eat like a normal person. Not sure how to combat this. I refuse to get overly worked up. It could be my anxiety rising that's triggering my urge for non-compliance.
The odd thing about all of this. I don't really have an urge for a late night snack. There is a little danger lurking. I have cake in the house. Two slices of butter pound cake with vanilla frosting. I wanted to eat mine right after dinner, but I was already satisfied. The chances of this slice of cake seeing the light of day tomorrow is slim to none. I don't mind eating the cake itself, I just don't want eating something sweet to trigger an urge for a larger feed. Not to mention that I need to be sure to give my son his slice or else that one will be consumed also. I don't usually have deserts lying around the house, so this is a treat for us. There may be the occasional cookie or frozen yogurt, but cake...now that's something special. I love to bake, but I dare not, unless it's a holiday and we're having friends and family over. Controlling late night urges to binge will completely break down if I have a whole cake in the house. Freezing it won't work either. And I promise you, I really don't want to see myself walking around sucking on another piece of frozen cake...been there...done that.
It's 10:08 now. Not sure what to do about the cake. I'm starting to regret having it. If I don't eat it tonight, then when is a good time to eat it. Do I wait for an urge for something sweet to hit? If I do, I could end up throwing my cake away. I wouldn't be the first time.
Okay, I'm going to get ready for bed. I'll put the cake away. If I want it bad enough...I'll eat it and if I can forget it, then I'll worry about it tomorrow.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Night Eating Syndrome - Youtube Video
Here's a link to a video that I found recently about NES. A young girl named Genesis is doing her presentation. The research she's done is pretty accurate. There are a few things stated that need to be expounded on, all-in-all she did a good job.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNsoM4cQ17Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNsoM4cQ17Y
Friday, March 7, 2014
Processing My Path to Recovery
I am so excited this morning. I've been thinking a lot about my process to recover from NES. The exciting part is that I can't wait to share this information with you. I feel like I've made a new friend and this friend really gets me. Mere words cannot express my gratitude for the ones who read my blog and leave such heartfelt comments. I am so grateful for your words of encouragement and understanding. And I get the warm fuzzes when you tell me reading my blog encourages you. Thank you.
Oh, before I get started let me share my progress with you. I posted yesterday, but it was not one of my usual daily posts. Like this post is was primarily subject based. Okay. Yesterday I made myself eat between 10-11am. I had peanut butter cracker and water. For lunch I had two scrambled eggs with a medley of vegetables and a cup of unsweetened tea. For dinner I had two chicken thighs, fried okra and a few French fries. For my late snack I had a piece of chicken and a bran muffin.
I'm feel really good about the progress I've made in the last couple weeks. Really good.
This morning as I prepared breakfast I started thinking about the steps I've been take and the progress made. I took not of everything I had on the kitchen counter, including my meds. I guess you could say it was a mental snapshot. There were two slices of bread, cheese, medicine and then I took down my Acidophilus which is a probiotic. That's when it hit me. The process for healing from NES consists of more than what I am eating and when. It is a whole person approach and I add more healing therapies or regimens as I go.
This is what I've done. The first thing I did was pray. I needed to get my spiritual life in order. Then I started working on food intake during the day while weaning from night time binges. I can't remember all the details, but I think it was a few months before I worked my way to eating one late night snack each night. I had fallen back into binging several times over the course of a couple years, but I've managed in this last year to only binge three times. The last binge I had, a small one, was last month when I nearly ate an entire family sized bag of chips. I would get a small amount, but kept going back until the bag was almost empty.
I have to deal with the demons of my past. So I sought out a therapist, that I see once a month. She's my go-to person when I need to check in and focus on the work I'm doing to heal from my abusive past. Talking things out with her has really helps me focus on what I need to be working on.
Okay, mental checklist:
Admit that I have an eating disorder
Working to change eating habits
Making healthier food choices
Getting medical care for my blood pressure
Seeing a therapist
Eating disorders are hard on the body. They cause more damage than we realize. It's not possible for the gut to maintain good balance when the body is starved during the day and gorged at night. My gut was severely sluggish. Thirty years into this disorder and my gut is unable to properly process food. The food would sit heavy in my gut for days. When the food began to process and move, it literally felt like I was being cut from the inside. It was so painful and very scary. I would imagine my gut being shredded into a bloody mess. My ability to have a normal bowel movement dissipated years ago. I felt sick almost all the time. Fluid was building up in my extremities, my complexion changed, looking darker and grayish. The whites of my eyes were no longer bright white, but more of a pale yellowish off white color. That was the state of my health four years ago. I'm happy to say I am much better than I was.
My next step is to work on healing the gut and incorporating a little exercise. Nothing too rigorous. Walking is always good. Palates is interesting. I've tried Palates and like the stretching and breathing. I can move at my own pace and do as much or as little as I like. And it's something that I can do in the privacy of my room. I'll have to work at not seeing exercise as a chore, but more of a time to relax and enjoy doing something for myself. This ties right in with the mental and emotional work I've been doing for the past year. Because I was so brutally abused, I find it difficult to do loving things for myself. The hardest part of all of this is loving myself. It takes loving yourself to put forth the effort to be better. In the past I thought I was doing good things for myself, the truth of the matter is I was self-soothing, which is a means of coping with the extreme abuse. So, here I am. Learning to fall in love with myself. I think I've made it up to really liking myself. That's why I've made it this far. Now I have to love myself. If I am able to do that I will find pleasure in doing more for myself and being healthier...mind, body and spirit. Most important, by loving myself I'll be able to maintain good health because it won't be so difficult for me to want it.
One last thing. You may want to look into adding a probiotic to your diet. check with your doctor and see what's on the market. Cutting out a lot of the starches, eating a vegetable rich diet with lean meats and taking a probiotic daily will help to heal the gut. Probiotics increase absorption of nutrients and promote regularity.
I am currently taking a probiotic called Acidophilus. The active ingredient is Lactobacillus Acidophilus, 100 million active cultures. Other ingredients are Dicalcium, Phosphate, Gelatin, Silica, Vegetable Magnesium Stearate. Warning: If you are pregnant, nursing or taking any medications consult your doctor before use.
Looking over this post I feel even better about what I've been able to achieve. As always, I hope my words will give you hope, encouragement or confirmation as you continue your journey. Thank you for reading.
Oh, before I get started let me share my progress with you. I posted yesterday, but it was not one of my usual daily posts. Like this post is was primarily subject based. Okay. Yesterday I made myself eat between 10-11am. I had peanut butter cracker and water. For lunch I had two scrambled eggs with a medley of vegetables and a cup of unsweetened tea. For dinner I had two chicken thighs, fried okra and a few French fries. For my late snack I had a piece of chicken and a bran muffin.
I'm feel really good about the progress I've made in the last couple weeks. Really good.
This morning as I prepared breakfast I started thinking about the steps I've been take and the progress made. I took not of everything I had on the kitchen counter, including my meds. I guess you could say it was a mental snapshot. There were two slices of bread, cheese, medicine and then I took down my Acidophilus which is a probiotic. That's when it hit me. The process for healing from NES consists of more than what I am eating and when. It is a whole person approach and I add more healing therapies or regimens as I go.
This is what I've done. The first thing I did was pray. I needed to get my spiritual life in order. Then I started working on food intake during the day while weaning from night time binges. I can't remember all the details, but I think it was a few months before I worked my way to eating one late night snack each night. I had fallen back into binging several times over the course of a couple years, but I've managed in this last year to only binge three times. The last binge I had, a small one, was last month when I nearly ate an entire family sized bag of chips. I would get a small amount, but kept going back until the bag was almost empty.
I have to deal with the demons of my past. So I sought out a therapist, that I see once a month. She's my go-to person when I need to check in and focus on the work I'm doing to heal from my abusive past. Talking things out with her has really helps me focus on what I need to be working on.
Okay, mental checklist:
Admit that I have an eating disorder
Working to change eating habits
Making healthier food choices
Getting medical care for my blood pressure
Seeing a therapist
Eating disorders are hard on the body. They cause more damage than we realize. It's not possible for the gut to maintain good balance when the body is starved during the day and gorged at night. My gut was severely sluggish. Thirty years into this disorder and my gut is unable to properly process food. The food would sit heavy in my gut for days. When the food began to process and move, it literally felt like I was being cut from the inside. It was so painful and very scary. I would imagine my gut being shredded into a bloody mess. My ability to have a normal bowel movement dissipated years ago. I felt sick almost all the time. Fluid was building up in my extremities, my complexion changed, looking darker and grayish. The whites of my eyes were no longer bright white, but more of a pale yellowish off white color. That was the state of my health four years ago. I'm happy to say I am much better than I was.
My next step is to work on healing the gut and incorporating a little exercise. Nothing too rigorous. Walking is always good. Palates is interesting. I've tried Palates and like the stretching and breathing. I can move at my own pace and do as much or as little as I like. And it's something that I can do in the privacy of my room. I'll have to work at not seeing exercise as a chore, but more of a time to relax and enjoy doing something for myself. This ties right in with the mental and emotional work I've been doing for the past year. Because I was so brutally abused, I find it difficult to do loving things for myself. The hardest part of all of this is loving myself. It takes loving yourself to put forth the effort to be better. In the past I thought I was doing good things for myself, the truth of the matter is I was self-soothing, which is a means of coping with the extreme abuse. So, here I am. Learning to fall in love with myself. I think I've made it up to really liking myself. That's why I've made it this far. Now I have to love myself. If I am able to do that I will find pleasure in doing more for myself and being healthier...mind, body and spirit. Most important, by loving myself I'll be able to maintain good health because it won't be so difficult for me to want it.
One last thing. You may want to look into adding a probiotic to your diet. check with your doctor and see what's on the market. Cutting out a lot of the starches, eating a vegetable rich diet with lean meats and taking a probiotic daily will help to heal the gut. Probiotics increase absorption of nutrients and promote regularity.
I am currently taking a probiotic called Acidophilus. The active ingredient is Lactobacillus Acidophilus, 100 million active cultures. Other ingredients are Dicalcium, Phosphate, Gelatin, Silica, Vegetable Magnesium Stearate. Warning: If you are pregnant, nursing or taking any medications consult your doctor before use.
Looking over this post I feel even better about what I've been able to achieve. As always, I hope my words will give you hope, encouragement or confirmation as you continue your journey. Thank you for reading.
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