Processing My Path to Recovery

I am so excited this morning. I've been thinking a lot about my process to recover from NES. The exciting part is that I can't wait to share this information with you. I feel like I've made a new friend and this friend really gets me. Mere words cannot express my gratitude for the ones who read my blog and leave such heartfelt comments. I am so grateful for your words of encouragement and understanding. And I get the warm fuzzes when you tell me reading my blog encourages you. Thank you.


Oh, before I get started let me share my progress with you. I posted yesterday, but it was not one of my usual daily posts. Like this post is was primarily subject based. Okay. Yesterday I made myself eat between 10-11am. I had peanut butter cracker and water. For lunch I had two scrambled eggs with a medley of vegetables and a cup of unsweetened tea. For dinner I had two chicken thighs, fried okra and a few French fries. For my late snack I had a piece of chicken and a bran muffin.


I'm feel really good about the progress I've made in the last couple weeks. Really good.


This morning as I prepared breakfast I started thinking about the steps I've been take and the progress made. I took not of everything I had on the kitchen counter, including my meds. I guess you could say it was a mental snapshot. There were two slices of bread, cheese, medicine and then I took down my Acidophilus which is a probiotic. That's when it hit me. The process for healing from NES consists of more than what I am eating and when. It is a whole person approach and I add more healing therapies or regimens as I go.


This is what I've done. The first thing I did was pray. I needed to get my spiritual life in order. Then I started working on food intake during the day while weaning from night time binges. I can't remember all the details, but I think it was a few months before I worked my way to eating one late night snack each night. I had fallen back into binging several times over the course of a couple years, but I've managed in this last year to only binge three times. The last binge I had, a small one, was last month when I nearly ate an entire family sized bag of chips. I would get a small amount, but kept going back until the bag was almost empty.


I have to deal with the demons of my past. So I sought out a therapist, that I see once a month. She's my go-to person when I need to check in and focus on the work I'm doing to heal from my abusive past. Talking things out with her has really helps me focus on what I need to be working on.
Okay, mental checklist:


Admit that I have an eating disorder
Working to change eating habits
Making healthier food choices
Getting medical care for my blood pressure
Seeing a therapist


Eating disorders are hard on the body. They cause more damage than we realize. It's not possible for the gut to maintain good balance when the body is starved during the day and gorged at night. My gut was severely sluggish. Thirty years into this disorder and my gut is unable to properly process food. The food would sit heavy in my gut for days. When the food began to process and move, it literally felt like I was being cut from the inside. It was so painful and very scary. I would imagine my gut being shredded into a bloody mess. My ability to have a normal bowel movement dissipated years ago. I felt sick almost all the time. Fluid was building up in my extremities, my complexion changed, looking darker and grayish. The whites of my eyes were no longer bright white, but more of a pale yellowish off white color. That was the state of my health four years ago. I'm happy to say I am much better than I was.


My next step is to work on healing the gut and incorporating a little exercise. Nothing too rigorous. Walking is always good. Palates is interesting. I've tried Palates and like the stretching and breathing. I can move at my own pace and do as much or as little as I like. And it's something that I can do in the privacy of my room. I'll have to work at not seeing exercise as a chore, but more of a time to relax and enjoy doing something for myself. This ties right in with the mental and emotional work I've been doing for the past year. Because I was so brutally abused, I find it difficult to do loving things for myself. The hardest part of all of this is loving myself. It takes loving yourself to put forth the effort to be better. In the past I thought I was doing good things for myself, the truth of the matter is I was self-soothing, which is a means of coping with the extreme abuse. So, here I am. Learning to fall in love with myself. I think I've made it up to really liking myself. That's why I've made it this far. Now I have to love myself. If I am able to do that I will find pleasure in doing more for myself and being healthier...mind, body and spirit. Most important, by loving myself I'll be able to maintain good health because it won't be so difficult for me to want it.


One last thing. You may want to look into adding a probiotic to your diet. check with your doctor and see what's on the market. Cutting out  a lot of the starches, eating a vegetable rich diet with lean meats and taking a probiotic daily will help to heal the gut. Probiotics increase absorption of nutrients and promote regularity.


I am currently taking a probiotic called Acidophilus. The active ingredient is Lactobacillus Acidophilus, 100 million active cultures. Other ingredients are Dicalcium, Phosphate, Gelatin, Silica, Vegetable Magnesium Stearate. Warning: If you are pregnant, nursing or taking any medications consult your doctor before use.


Looking over this post I feel even better about what I've been able to achieve. As always, I hope my words will give you hope, encouragement or confirmation as you continue your journey. Thank you for reading.