Saturday, March 8, 2014

March 8, 2014

It never fails. When I get up something comes to bring me back down. I'm so tired. I can't give up. I'm having one of those days. Bad news keep flooding in and I don't know where to begin to make it better. It feels as thought the wind has been taken out of my sales and replaced with stones. I can't... I can't let this wave of misfortune take over my mind. I am fighting to stay strong right now, fighting harder than I ever have. I need to be strong. I want to be healthy. Been trapped behind this wall far too long.

Yesterday I felt such a sense of peace, a stillness in my spirit. All was calm. I felt the presence of God. I still feel His presence today and I thank Him for this day even though I received more bad news. Not that long ago I received news that nearly threw my entire day off. With all what was happening I still pushed through the worry and anxiety and maintain my goals.


I wasn't so fortunate today. My goals have been shot. It's okay, I'm not giving up nor am I giving in. And it's not as bad as it has been or could be. Lord knows I am making every effort to stay strong. I'm making every effort not to fall into depression or stew in anxiety. There's so much that is going on. Feels like parts of my life are going out of control. I can't stop it. When I fall into depression I only have energy to take care of my son's needs and little else. I feel completely drained at the end of the day. Sleep is no escape. Gonna fight my way out of this. So I'll pray and I'll hope and I'll wait...do what I can...and then I'll pray some more.


Tomorrow is another day and another chance to do better. I hope to stay focused and I pray there's no more bad news.


I did not have breakfast today. Around lunch time I split a pack of peanut butter crackers with my son while we were out shopping. For dinner we had take out from McDonalds. I went large on my meal. Fortunately I could not eat all of my fries. That made me feel good. And yes, I purchase one extra item to eat later for a snack. I didn't need to. I have plenty and more healthy choices to eat at home, but I purchased the extra item anyway. At least I didn't get the largest size.


I won't claim complete defeat today. I just hope and pray that I'll be able to withstand the trials and come out on the other side triumphant.

4 comments:

  1. My whole life I felt as though I was standing between two freight trains heading for each other on the same track, with me and my out stretched arms the only thing keeping them from colliding. I became very tired of living my life by the power of sheer will...It was when I talked to a therapist about this, that I was able to step out of the way..A bit of the trains scraped each other, but they never really collided, and I have learned bit by bit, how to Love and show Love, without suffering all of the other persons feelings. I don't know what is happening in your life right now, but from where I sit here, you are doing good, and staying aware. I hope this passes quickly for you. -Alyce.

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  2. Thank you for the uplifting words. I really needed to hear that. There are times I feel like I'm sinking no matter how hard I try. Days like this take me back to childhood pains. I am talking to my therapist about this. I'm so glad I have a therapist. How are you doing? I hope you are well.

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    1. I am managing to stay sane this weekend, even though I had to come up with two authentic looking Viking costumes: Drop in visit with a friend from childhood, (A kleptomaniac) The grand daughter coming for spring break, doing homework poster and map: Hubby getting locked out of his truck while it was running to warm it up, me sleeping with earplugs due to his snoring..so I didn't hear him ringing the doorbell for 10 minutes, nor did our deaf dog-so he climbed the fence and knocked on the window and yelled, 'OPEN THE GARAGE DOOR!!!" So I was confused and thought he ran someone over (??) I opened the garage door without my glasses on and couldn't make out anything but silence and a running truck, (2:30 am) Needless to say, it was crazy until the tow truck finally got here and opened the lock! Oh my, this is my life 90% of the time...Always an insane parade of characters passing through my house. I wonder what it would feel like to have a peaceful period.

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    2. Peaceful periods are absolutely wonderful. The first time I really felt peace was when I moved away from home. My first apartment was small having just enough space for me and my turtle Ching-ching, whom I loved dearly.

      There was one bedroom, living room, bathroom, utility room, a small kitchen with walk in pantry, garden style balcony and a dining area that I made into a reading corner. I loved that apartment. There was no arguing, yelling or feelings being hurt...not ever. It was my sanctuary. As a matter of fact, my apartment was a bit of a sanctuary to all who visited. Friends would often tell me that the energy of my home was very welcoming and healing. Even the property manager told me how much she appreciated the feel of the place. I miss that apartment.

      I have peace here with my son. Most anything to do with my family life is peaceful. It's business related issues that are a constant battle for me.

      I always functioned best in the work environment. Leaving the familiarity of working in an office environment has been very stressful for me. I am not used to being self-employed. I'm still adjusting to it. I'm having great difficulty managing the day to day uncertainties. I know things can happen, but for the most part my adult life away from home was pretty predictable. Work, home, shopping occasionally, pay bills, read, sketch, eat, sleep. That was it. There were time I had company and there would be times I visited people, but nothing else.

      On any given day I can pick up the phone only to receive bad news from the other end. I never know from one day to the next what is going to happen, if anything. I am always jumpy when I hear the phone and my mind reals out of control seeking solutions to my menagerie of problems. All I can most of the time is hang on and hope for the best.

      It seems problems are always around the corner. I'm not to this kind of stress. It's taking me forever to adjust to it.

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