March 28, 2014

I'm loving how my study on commitment is making me feel. There is new vision and new direction before me...a hurdle crossed. But just because the hurdle is behind me doesn't mean that I've conquered the task. Not just yet. It means that the problem has been identified and solutions are being put in place.


I've always looked at problems as an invitation to meet solutions. We would never know or need solutions if we never had problems. It's a mirrored situation. Some may even say they would prefer not to have problems. If we never had problems or hardships how would be able to fully appreciate the good things in life. If everything was always good we could potentially become board with our existence or at best live completely benign lives like mindless drones. Imagine that...


Inhale and exhale... I'm breathing in fresh air. Taking it all deep inside. Do you think things like commitment are talked about in therapy? I'd certainly hope so. I know that I'll be bringing it up in my therapy session, but I still wonder if this is something therapists would put on the table if the client doesn't mention it themselves. Would it be part of the therapeutic scope? I don't know. That's something to consider if you have a therapist. It might be interesting to talk this out with them.


I kept my word. There is a little sign taped to my bathroom mirror, "When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard." I continue to say these words to myself over and over again. It feels strange saying it, but it also feels like I'm on the right path. No need to rush, it's going to take more than a couple nights to learn how to love myself. Commitment requires patience. I will have to be patient with myself or else I'll get frustrated and give up again. Don't want to do that...


I'm committed to working on opening up my heart to myself, my current self and the wounded little girl inside. Several months ago, I talked to my therapist about this. We both agreed that writing a letter to the little girl inside would be a good thing. I want to get to know her, embrace her and tell her she is loved and everything is going to be okay. I've since lost the courage to attempt this encounter, that is until recently. I didn't realize that I could not tell her I loved her because I did not love myself. I may not be there yet, but I want to be. I want to love my whole self and that is something I have the courage to say to the little girl inside.


When I came up with the plan was to write a letter to myself, I wasn't sure what I would say. Now, I have an idea, an actual direction. It took months of working on myself before I could come to this point. So I'll start off by introducing myself to her and go from there. I have no idea what will be said after that. I might even surprise myself. I think this is something I should work on this weekend. Not sure If I'll publish my letter or not. It all depends...on what...I don't know.


Have any of you ever thought of writing a letter to yourselves? It may seem a little strange, but it's no stranger than talking to yourself when you are trying to cope with a situation or trying to sort something out. Actually, a letter to yourself would be more intimate. I think having an intimate existence with yourself is the way to learn to love yourself. Isn't it easier to love that which you feel an intimate connection to. I don't mean anything sexual. What I'm talking about is being personal, relevant, attached to yourself as you would be in other relationships. It's so easy to look at outer relationships and completely neglect having a relationship with ourselves. Isn't it important to be able to embrace ourselves? I think so.


This is the year of courage. Today I will have the courage to reach out to myself in an intimate way so that I may feel love for myself and be committed to myself with my whole heart.


I didn't eat breakfast today. No...it's not good, but it's okay. I'm not feeling sad, but exhilarated. Exited to have new direction and more hope. Exited about my new understanding of commitment and the endless possibilities. Yes...it is happiness even elation that I feel. I ate a pack of cheese crackers while writing this post. It was after 2pm. I've also eaten scrambled eggs and two slices of toast with a cup of water. For dinner I will cook seared chicken breast, mixed veggies and mac-n-cheese.


Last night I did not have a pre-measured snack because I did not cook. I was worried that I might be triggered to binge. I was not. Instead when the hunger came I ate a pack of Nekot cookies and was satisfied. I went to sleep shortly afterwards and woke up this morning feeling change. I hope it lasts.