Happy Anniversary - March 25, 2014

February 25, 2014. One month ago today I was sitting at my computer feeling utterly defeated and lost. I wanted to write something...anything, but there was nothing. I'd run out of things to say. Opening all of my blogs, I wait...waited in silence for a pulse. Thoughts of events from past weeks, months and years streamed through my mind and still nothing. I thought, should I wipe the slate clean. Start over again. I've tried lending myself to the thought of waiting for direction, but direction never came...not really. With each post the strain to find the words or some measure of feeling increased. Desperate to reach others, I neglected to see that I had not reached myself. I'm still reaching... I closed all of the blogs accept the one called "Night Eating Syndrome." The last post was dated June 22, 2013.


A threshold of discovery was before me. I couldn't see it. Couldn't fathom it. Time stands still as I lift my hands and place them on the keyboard. Tears well in my eyes as I pray to God to let me feel something...see something...say something...tangible. And then there was a shift. I felt a lifting as if a lid opened slightly allowing a little part of me to escaped. Soon after, there was vision for a blog long since dead, now resuscitated. A new post ready to publish. The shift not yet complete. When something dies and is reborn it is no longer the same. It is renewed and therefore needs a new name, "Eating My Pain." Yes, that's what I've been doing all along. Thank you God!! Relief.


I realized I was ready. Finally ready to face the whole ugly truth behind my hurtful habits. I wanted nothing more than to let everything flow from the most honest part of my being. No matter what, I will speak my truth. I will write as if no one is reading. That is the promise I made to myself that day. And so I began. And here we are.


Today in honor of our first month anniversary, I am going to write a post by request. A dear friend suggested that I write about the things that I like about myself. This is no easy task. I was thrilled when I first read her request and then immediately went into panic. I rarely ever think about what I like about myself. In fact, after giving this request careful thought I still find it difficult to think about things I like about myself.


This year is the year of courage. I knew it before the new year came in. I am having to deal with obstacles from a deeper source. There's no more façade. All superficial layers have been pulled back, exposing mental and emotional scars. That being said,


The first thing that I will list that I like about myself is my God given ability to assess, process and build therapies and coping skills for all of my issues.


I like the unique way I think about things and how I am able to see literal truths even though truths are sometimes ugly.


I like the strength of my mind even though it has dimmed a little with age.


I like having regained my ability to express myself through poetry and other writings.


I like having an ability to tell stories and harness emotions in my drawings.


I like how I can create vivid life in grey scale.


I like having the gift of sight through many senses.


I've that I've just learned to like the sound of my own voice.


I like having locks and seeing how their growth depicts the past 8 years of my life, showing strengths and weaknesses and yet they are still beautiful.


I like that I am learning to like myself more.


I like that I am striving to have healthy honest relationships.


I like being able to be completely honest with myself.


I like who I am as a mom, friend, family member even though I am unfamiliar with the core of my being.


I like that I am learning to see myself through my own eyes and not the eyes of my tormentors.


I like being less afraid of the roadblocks that are part of my journey to freedom.


I like having a love of sharing information and learning.


I like the fact that I can think of things that I like about myself. Things that I've seldom put thought to.


Wow! I didn't think I would have this many things listed. Tonight as I sit quietly in my room, I will reflect on this post. I'll keep a notepad nearby in case other likes come to mind. This has been a very good exercise and a wonderful way to celebrate my commitment to writing this blog. Thank you again, my friend for your suggestion.


Today I did not eat breakfast. Lunch was at 12:37pm. I ate 3 leftover salmon fritters, two scrambled eggs with cheese and a cup of water. Tonight is burger night. I feel strong that I will not order extra food.


Many thanks to all of you for your support, kind words and wisdom. Thank you for inspiring me to dig deeper and thank you for allowing me to inspire you. Onward and Upward as we pick up the pieces one by one, together.