Feeling Inspired

I was skyping with my cousin a few days ago. She was depressed about her weight and other health issues. We talked for a long time. I know what it's like to say you want to do something for yourself and not be able to do it. I'm sure those who've read this blog have seen my struggles with that very subject.

It wasn't that long ago when I was saying the same things my cousin said to me. I knew that I wanted to do more for myself, but could not bring myself to follow through. Changing my eating habits alone is not enough for me to obtain my goals...at least the goals I've set for dealing with my body image.

Anyway, my cousin and I talked extensively about the costs of gym memberships. Even the YMCA is costly and neither one of us has an extra $350 lying around to pay for a yearly membership. Then it hits me. What is my favorite go to place when I'm looking for information on most anything? (drum roll) YouTube!

It didn't take long for me to find a long line of health and fitness videos. I only had to narrow it down to something that we both can do and enjoy. Due to health issues, my cousin's mobility is limited and due to my having been inactive for so long I need to crawl my way back into a good fitness routine. What I found addressed both of our needs. There is a short series of videos designed for people having limited mobility. Does not matter if you are limited because of weight, health or age. It is also designed for beginning fitness enthusiasts as well. What I like most about these videos is there step program which starts off with exercise routines done from a sitting position and slowly works you up to doing full workouts from a standing position. How cool is that?!

I strongly recommend for anyone who has not worked out in a very long time like myself or is starting to work out for the very first time to consult your physician about starting any exercise program.

One of my most favorite aspects of these videos is that fact that you start from a sitting position. If I'm not working with my son, also usually from a sitting position, I am at my desk working on different projects. I do get up frequently to check on my son, get housework done and cook, but it's not enough movement to make a difference in my health. I can safely say the majority of my days is spent in a sitting position. These videos are just perfect for me. What better way to begin incorporating exercise into my daily routine?! It's easy, affordable, workable and proving to be beneficial.

WARNING: For those who are sensitive to seeing exercise activity please do not watch the video below.

Here is the video of Stage 1, episode 1 Workout Launchpad - Beginner Stage

I think this is a wonderful way to get moving even if you are in relatively good shape. I'm enjoying how I feel about myself after completing this work out. It's done wonders for me just to know that I am important enough to myself to take 26 minutes to do something wonderful and beneficial just for me.

I am still doing well with eating. I've taken on a new love and appreciation for my home cooking and love...love...love cooking healthy, delicious meals for myself and my family.

I still have a late snack on occasion and I've had 1 or 2 nights where the call to binge was stronger than it had been for awhile. It was very short lived. My eating schedule is better and I feel good...not just good...also good about myself. That is what's most important to me know...feeling good about myself.

Onward and Upward!!!!

Hugs to you all! Keep up the good fight.

At Storms End

In life we all will experience storms. Some storms pass through quickly and others linger for what seems like an eternity. No matter the size or duration, all storms leave their mark.

As you know, I have been experiencing many storms. This past storm lasted 6 months and is now coming to its end. The storms I speak of are the storms of life which can be financial, relationships, physical health, mental health or spiritual health...whatever. For me it could be either or a combination of all. It just depends...

With each storm there is the potential to fall back into the hard to break habit of binging and starving. Even though I have fallen several times, I have not stayed in the cycle long. This is a great improvement. During the last leg of my most recent storm I have been able to maintain a healthier eating style. Every morning like clock work, I rise out of bed, give my son his meds, say my prayers and cook breakfast.

Remember when it was difficult for me to deal with breakfast? How I used to start each day with a pack of cheese crackers? It may have taken a few months and a couple back steps, but I seldom give into the urge to starve myself. As far as binging...well, as with anything, it is a work in progress. Every part of me is a work in progress and progress is what I am seeing.

I know I say this often, but it reins true for anyone who struggles with ED or addiction of any kind.
There are days when I feel stronger and there are days when I feel that failure is my only companion. Today I feel strong. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I'm not going to worry about it. I'm only focusing on what I can handle in this moment while giving thanks for the strides I've made and the resources for healing that I've gained.

No matter how bad things may seem from one moment to the next...keep up the good fight...
 

DON'T GIVE UP! 

December 8, 2014

Affirmation after affirmation and I'm still trying to feel better. Some days I feel so strong, but today I do not.

How am I supposed to look in the mirror and see beauty when I look in the faces of others and see disgust? Do I really see the disgust of others or am I seeing a reflection of my own.

Sometimes it's more than stress that sends me spiraling into binging. Sometimes it's the need to forget or escape things...a night of self-medicating. 

I tell myself that food will never hurt me, but it does and I let it. I'm just as accepting of the pain binging bring as I've been of abusive behaviors toward me. I take it all in thinking that taking it makes me stronger. I'm not getting stronger, I'm just becoming more numb.

For the past few nights I have giving into binging. I can't even say what is the reason. I couldn't stop...no matter what I tried. To be completely honest I didn't really try. I simply complied to it's wishes. I ate without measure and did not care. I slept with ease then woke to nausea. Typical scenario, only this time I didn't let it stop me from eating as I should. I hold up well in the light of day, but by night the urges return and I binge again. I've been cycling for the past 3 nights. Even if at that time I wanted to stop I knew I'd lose this fight.

Dear God, please help me get through tonight without binging. I feel the cravings so strong. I need the strength to fight the inner voice that constantly points out the wrongs.

It's 2:14am and I'm no where near sleep. Will I be more productive or will I just eat?

Perhaps another cup of tea or something to read to dull the negativity and the need...

ED-NOS: Finally They Are Taking It Seriously (Possible triggers in this post)

For the longest time ED that were not specifically Anorexia or Bulimia were secondary at best. Well, in my opinion NES or what now falls under the ED-NOS diagnosis, was last on the list of EDs and not fully acknowledged as an ED. I don't mind being lumped under the ED-NOS umbrella as long as medical professional are taking all EDs seriously.

I came across a video of a news report about ED-NOS. It's the first report I've ever come across that acknowledges ED-NOS as a dangerous and potentially life threatening condition. 

Here's the video:

WARNING: This video may contain triggers for some of you. Please be mindful if you decide to watch.

ED-NOS: Most Dangerous, Unheard of Eating Disorder

Don't Eat When You're Not Hungry - April 2, 2014

"Don't eat when you're not hungry." I've heard this sentence in my mind everyday since the first time it was spoken to me in 1975. I was 10. No matter what I do the words are always lingering. A constant reminder turned anthem.


My parents took me to the doctor. I can't remember for what. I was sitting on the examining table as the doctor spoke with them. He wasn't my pediatrician, but another doctor in a larger place. Everything was bright white and sterile. Even the windows offered little contrast as the glass reflected that awful bright whiteness. I continued watching as the doctor spoke with my parents. I couldn't hear what he was saying. My ears were deafened by the sound of my own thoughts. Inside my head I'm screaming, "Please make them stop abusing me! Please! I don't want to go home." I felt the words rise into my throat, but I dare not open my mouth. I just sat there nauseated as I watched evil play the role of concerned parents. All hope was gone. The doctor would never believe me. He'd never believe I lived with monsters. They seemed so normal and descent. My mother in her silent stance dressed to perfection and my father eager to write a check. They stopped talking for moment, looked at me and smiled, but all I could see were fangs waiting to devour me. I turned away from them and waited for the torment to begin again.


I heard a new word on that day. Obese. The doctor said I was obese. I wasn't sure what that meant, but I knew it must have had something to do with my weight. My weight had become a focal point for my parents for awhile now. I weighed in at 100lbs. I guess it didn't matter that my parents fed me cakes, cookies, snacks and candies from their store, not to mention my night feedings. I wonder if my mother knew. Couldn't she see the evidence of my night feeds? If she did, nothing was ever said, not to me anyways. My weight was the first thing people saw and the topic of discussion...always...even now. I suppose talking about my weight was much easier than seeing the dark circles under my eyes or the look of death and hopelessness in my expression. I see the pain when I look at my childhood photos and I wonder.


I used to look into the bathroom mirror and say to myself, "don't eat when you are not hungry," over and over again. When my parents tried to make me eat breakfast I'd say that I wasn't hungry. If they pushed I pulled out my favorite sentence. It worked every time. After awhile they seemed to be proud of my not eating, hopeful that the extra pounds would fall off quickly. Each yearly well visit would dash their hopes...another 13 lbs. gained. No one could understand it. I think this is when the denial began. Everyone around me said the same thing, "How can she be gaining weight, she barely eats?" I heard it so much that I began to believe it.


Here I am today, 38 years later and I am still telling myself, "Don't eat if you're not hungry." How do I undo a 38 year habit?

Depth of Commitment - March 27, 2014

As I continue seeking and searching self to determine what commitment means to me I find that commitment is much deeper and more profound than I ever thought. It has it's own diversities and comes in layers. Layers that can work in harmony or work against each other. Even though commitment can be a strong emotion on it's own, it can also be easily lost amidst other emotions.


Let's look at the differences between being committed to being healthier as opposed to being committed to doing the things it takes to be healthier or vice versa and the importance of having balance between the two. It is extremely important to have balance between all layers of commitment.


Within myself I've identified several layers of commitment. Overall commitment to being healthier and individual commitment to each task that it takes to achieve a healthier relationship with myself and food. These commitments combined become a tightly woven thread. If there are any weaknesses in the thread of commitment, the thread will soon break. It is vital for me to examine tasks or goals that I set for yourself to determine how much of a commitment I'm taking on. There may be instances when tasks and goals may need to be modified in order to have a level of commitment that is comfortable for me.


I recognize that I am not strong enough to take on too many commitments. It is established that my strongest commitments are wanting to be healthier and trying to be healthier. Improvements have been made, but I keep back sliding. Some of it is natural and a good portion of it is because something is blocking me from trying harder to succeed. What's blocking me?


I ask myself questions. In order for this step to work I will have to be completely honest with myself.


1. Is it important to me that I eat right?   Yes.
2. Have I achieved a healthier relationship with food?  No, not yet.
3. Am I committed to eating healthier?  Yes.
4. Have I been successful in consistently eating healthier?   No.
5. What's stopping me?  I do not have hunger sensations as I should during the day. I do, but only if I begin eating at certain times. Even though I know this, I still do not push myself to eat at those times. I'll do well for awhile and then I fall back into old habits as I have done today and the past several days.
6. Are you committed to eating at a healthier time? I am committed to trying to eat at a healthier time, but it is also very easy to ignore myself when I tell myself I should eat. It' way too easy to ignore. Eating is not that much of a priority for me on most days even though it makes me feel good when I do better on other days.


Stop right here! Time to assess why eating is not important even though I have committed to trying to eat at a healthier time. I'm committed to trying, but not being consistent with pushing myself when it becomes difficult. This is the reason I keep falling into the circle of failure, because I am committed to the cause, but not committed to the task.


What does it take to become committed to the task? I imagine it would be having the ability to make a commitment to myself first and not just being committed to wanting to change something about myself.


Do you remember the definition of commitment from the Urban Dictionary? Here it is again. Pay close attention to the bolded sentence at the end. I'm going stand in front of a mirror and say those words to myself, because I find no other words to be truer then that sentence when it comes to commitment and I want to be true to myself...committed to myself.


1.

commitment

Commitment is what
Transforms the promise into reality.
It is the words that speak
Boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak
Louder than the words.
It is making the time
When there is none.
Coming through time
After time after time,
Year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff
Character is made of;
The power to change
The face of things.
It is the daily triumph
Of integrity over skepticism.

When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard.

by Ashbash January 13, 2005

This very sentence is exactly what I need to be saying to myself everyday. As a matter of fact, I'm going to print it out and tape it to my bathroom mirror, which is one of the few mirrors I'm willing to see myself in. Loving myself is one of the hardest accomplishments to achieve, but I am going to commit myself to working to love myself even when it's hard. Right now it's hard to love myself all the time. My hope is that is will get easier.

In everything that I have ever been committed to I have succeeded in. I'm aware of this now. Never have I looked at commitment the way that I'm looking at it today. I've learned something else about myself. When I am committed, I am committed with my whole heart and I am not able to see failure. This is the key to winning my battles. I must first become committed to myself with my whole heart and then one by one I will be able to commit to everything else.


The day will come when I will not be afraid of failure, because I will not see failure.


Today I ate a pack of cheese and chive crackers with a cup of water. I began eating at 1:27pm. It is now 3:58pm. I will eat a small bowl of spaghetti left over from last night's dinner. I'm not sure what I will cook today. I just know for sure that I will not be ordering take out.

Happy Anniversary - March 25, 2014

February 25, 2014. One month ago today I was sitting at my computer feeling utterly defeated and lost. I wanted to write something...anything, but there was nothing. I'd run out of things to say. Opening all of my blogs, I wait...waited in silence for a pulse. Thoughts of events from past weeks, months and years streamed through my mind and still nothing. I thought, should I wipe the slate clean. Start over again. I've tried lending myself to the thought of waiting for direction, but direction never came...not really. With each post the strain to find the words or some measure of feeling increased. Desperate to reach others, I neglected to see that I had not reached myself. I'm still reaching... I closed all of the blogs accept the one called "Night Eating Syndrome." The last post was dated June 22, 2013.


A threshold of discovery was before me. I couldn't see it. Couldn't fathom it. Time stands still as I lift my hands and place them on the keyboard. Tears well in my eyes as I pray to God to let me feel something...see something...say something...tangible. And then there was a shift. I felt a lifting as if a lid opened slightly allowing a little part of me to escaped. Soon after, there was vision for a blog long since dead, now resuscitated. A new post ready to publish. The shift not yet complete. When something dies and is reborn it is no longer the same. It is renewed and therefore needs a new name, "Eating My Pain." Yes, that's what I've been doing all along. Thank you God!! Relief.


I realized I was ready. Finally ready to face the whole ugly truth behind my hurtful habits. I wanted nothing more than to let everything flow from the most honest part of my being. No matter what, I will speak my truth. I will write as if no one is reading. That is the promise I made to myself that day. And so I began. And here we are.


Today in honor of our first month anniversary, I am going to write a post by request. A dear friend suggested that I write about the things that I like about myself. This is no easy task. I was thrilled when I first read her request and then immediately went into panic. I rarely ever think about what I like about myself. In fact, after giving this request careful thought I still find it difficult to think about things I like about myself.


This year is the year of courage. I knew it before the new year came in. I am having to deal with obstacles from a deeper source. There's no more façade. All superficial layers have been pulled back, exposing mental and emotional scars. That being said,


The first thing that I will list that I like about myself is my God given ability to assess, process and build therapies and coping skills for all of my issues.


I like the unique way I think about things and how I am able to see literal truths even though truths are sometimes ugly.


I like the strength of my mind even though it has dimmed a little with age.


I like having regained my ability to express myself through poetry and other writings.


I like having an ability to tell stories and harness emotions in my drawings.


I like how I can create vivid life in grey scale.


I like having the gift of sight through many senses.


I've that I've just learned to like the sound of my own voice.


I like having locks and seeing how their growth depicts the past 8 years of my life, showing strengths and weaknesses and yet they are still beautiful.


I like that I am learning to like myself more.


I like that I am striving to have healthy honest relationships.


I like being able to be completely honest with myself.


I like who I am as a mom, friend, family member even though I am unfamiliar with the core of my being.


I like that I am learning to see myself through my own eyes and not the eyes of my tormentors.


I like being less afraid of the roadblocks that are part of my journey to freedom.


I like having a love of sharing information and learning.


I like the fact that I can think of things that I like about myself. Things that I've seldom put thought to.


Wow! I didn't think I would have this many things listed. Tonight as I sit quietly in my room, I will reflect on this post. I'll keep a notepad nearby in case other likes come to mind. This has been a very good exercise and a wonderful way to celebrate my commitment to writing this blog. Thank you again, my friend for your suggestion.


Today I did not eat breakfast. Lunch was at 12:37pm. I ate 3 leftover salmon fritters, two scrambled eggs with cheese and a cup of water. Tonight is burger night. I feel strong that I will not order extra food.


Many thanks to all of you for your support, kind words and wisdom. Thank you for inspiring me to dig deeper and thank you for allowing me to inspire you. Onward and Upward as we pick up the pieces one by one, together.

March 23, 2014

Sorry it's taken me a few days to publish another post. Sometimes I just need to take a little time to allow everything to process and prepare for another purge. Sometimes I get started on a post and other things get in the way. Though I may miss a day or two here and there, I am always aware of my head space and what I want to share in this blog.


I've been told how therapeutic blogging can be. Of course, you never really realize it until you actually commit to it. For now, I am committed and it's serving me well.


Since I'm coming up on my first full month of writing, I'm going to take this moment to see exactly what I need to do to get to the next step. In a recent breakthrough, I realized that I do not have love for myself nor do I know how to gain love for myself. I realize that the love of others only trickles in from time to time, but the feeling of it almost never lasts. I can feel the love of my son, but have difficulty understanding how he is able to love me. And even though I am appreciative of his love, I do not feel deserving of it. There it is...I have a major issue with love, receiving love, family love, romantic love, love of friends and others. I have problems with love in all areas and this stems from my inability to see myself worthy of receiving love, especially from myself.


In a previous post, March 20th I believe, I asked that you, the readers of this blog, suggest what I post about on our 1st month anniversary. A very good friend responded. She asked that I write a post about things that I like about myself. I thought is was ingenious. And then I began to worry. What do I like myself? I didn't feel that I had much to say about that. Needless to say, I'm struggling with this. I did have a bit of a breakthrough on the subject today. I won't reveal what it is until the 25th, but I can say that I've found a way to tackle this request. I hope as I'm working on my anniversary post something else breaks through. Perhaps I can hold on to some aspects of my self observations and later expound further on them. I'll have to wait and see.


Many Thanks to my good friend who made the suggestion to write what I like about myself. You inspire me on many levels to dig deeper than I though I could.


Today's food intake, pretty good. This morning at 9:07am I had a small pepperoni cheese roll and water. At 2:37 I made two sandwiches. Toasted wheat bread with 2 thin slices of turkey ham, lettuce, tomato and a little miracle whip. I drank an orange soda that I purchased yesterday. For dinner we will have a simple chicken dish, brown rice and vegetables. I will probably reserve a small portion of the leftovers for my late night snack.

Also, I want to be completely honest and tell you that I purchased a couple cinnamon buns yesterday, one large and one small, no extra frosting or nuts. I ate the small one after dinner with every intention to eat the larger one later that night. I'm amazed that I did not eat the second cinnamon bun. As a matter of fact, I still have it now and chances are I may not eat it tonight. If I go three days without eating it I will probably discard it. No...I'm not abdicating wasting money or food. I'm just saying...If the desire isn't there, don't push it. I'll try not to give into the urge to purchase items like that again. I've done this a few times with different sweet and savory items, most of which I no longer buy. I find more frequently that I purchase certain food items with every intention to eat them and then never do. I choose to see this as a good thing. The compulsion to eat foods just because they're readily available is dissipating.


You may wonder why I'm keeping the cinnamon bun, knowing that I could potentially eat it. Well, I kind of like the feeling of wanting the cinnamon bun, but not really wanting to eat it. It's a reminder of how far I've come. So please, allow me this small indulgence. :-)


I'm thankful for disbanding another compulsion. Now if I can just stop purchasing the items. Maybe the next time I have a craving for such items, I could take the money, put it in a jar and save it for a weekend trip to the beach. Hmmm. Sounds like a plan.

Proud Moment- March 21, 2014

Yep, I'm feeling a little proud of myself. Last night, I didn't feel like cooking dinner, so I asked my son what he wanted to eat. I started asking when we were out and about. I was hopeful that he'd want a burger or something else equally as quick. The answer was no. Fine. We went home. I wanted for about an hour and asked my son again what he wanted for dinner. We finally settled on pizza. I've gotten a little bit better about ordering pizza, being mindful not to order too much. Having a lot of leftovers can trigger a binge. I usually order pizza and wings. Last night wanted to try a sandwich instead. So I ordered a medium pizza, 1/2 pepperoni, the other 1/2 cheese and a Mediterranean veggie sandwich.  I came very close to ordering the wings, but managed to stop myself. If I had the wings, I would be at risk of wanting to eat them as well.

Pizza is one of those things that I should not order or only order on rare occasions. I'm getting better about that too. Foods that are very high in carbs are the worst thing to have lying around the house. We have a few leftovers. I had two slices of cheese pizza for my late night snack. Not the healthiest choice, but available and I still did not binge.


It's isn't easy always making the right choices. I try not to beat myself up about it. If I did it would only lead me to feel worse and eat more. If I'm going to give in to food that can be a potential trigger, the best thing is to be mindful of how much food I order. Fight the temptation to hoard food. That's when extra food is ordered for late night feed. Watch intake portions. Try to freeze or put away leftovers as soon as possible. If I leave food out too long the possibility of my eating it increases. Having it out of site helps, but I would still need to set aside another late snack if I want to avoid eating high starch/carb foods late night.


Okay, so I didn't do so great with my choices tonight, but I did do well with not ordering extra food and not over eating late night. Still more baby steps.

March 15, 2014

Having some issues with anxiety for the past few days. Not unbearable, but very noticeable. I'm getting to the point where I want to be in my house. Been out quite a bit and am needing a break from the rest of the world.


Today's food intake was a little better than yesterday. I ate my usual breakfast of peanut butter crackers and water this morning at 8:47am. Lunch was a little late. Even though a good friend called me at 1pm with a lunchtime reminder, I still did not get around to eating until after 2pm. For lunch I had leftovers from last night's dinner, veggie, pasta and turkey sausage dish and a cup of water. It was just enough. Dinner consisted of 3 chicken wings (fried), approx. 2 tbls. mac-n-cheese and approx. 2 tbls. string beans and a cup of Snapple grape punch.


I'm not feeling enthusiastic about meal preparations lately. That concerns me a great deal. Not being excited or at least have a mental picture of what to prepare can potentially leave me open to bad eating behaviors. I'm starting to get tired of eating to some extent even though I want so much to eat like a normal person. Not sure how to combat this. I refuse to get overly worked up. It could be my anxiety rising that's triggering my urge for non-compliance.


The odd thing about all of this. I don't really have an urge for a late night snack. There is a little danger lurking. I have cake in the house. Two slices of butter pound cake with vanilla frosting. I wanted to eat mine right after dinner, but I was already satisfied. The chances of this slice of cake seeing the light of day tomorrow is slim to none. I don't mind eating the cake itself, I just don't want eating something sweet to trigger an urge for a larger feed. Not to mention that I need to be sure to give my son his slice or else that one will be consumed also. I don't usually have deserts lying around the house, so this is a treat for us. There may be the occasional cookie or frozen yogurt, but cake...now that's something special. I love to bake, but I dare not, unless it's a holiday and we're having friends and family over. Controlling late night urges to binge will completely break down if I have a whole cake in the house. Freezing it won't work either. And I promise you, I really don't want to see myself walking around sucking on another piece of frozen cake...been there...done that.


It's 10:08 now. Not sure what to do about the cake. I'm starting to regret having it. If I don't eat it tonight, then when is a good time to eat it. Do I wait for an urge for something sweet to hit? If I do, I could end up throwing my cake away. I wouldn't be the first time.


Okay, I'm going to get ready for bed. I'll put the cake away. If I want it bad enough...I'll eat it and if I can forget it, then I'll worry about it tomorrow.

Night Eating Syndrome - Youtube Video

Here's a link to a video that I found recently about NES. A young girl named Genesis is doing her presentation. The research she's done is pretty accurate. There are a few things stated that need to be expounded on, all-in-all she did a good job.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNsoM4cQ17Y