Affirmation after affirmation and I'm still trying to feel better. Some days I feel so strong, but today I do not.
How am I supposed to look in the mirror and see beauty when I look in the faces of others and see disgust? Do I really see the disgust of others or am I seeing a reflection of my own.
Sometimes it's more than stress that sends me spiraling into binging. Sometimes it's the need to forget or escape things...a night of self-medicating.
I tell myself that food will never hurt me, but it does and I let it. I'm just as accepting of the pain binging bring as I've been of abusive behaviors toward me. I take it all in thinking that taking it makes me stronger. I'm not getting stronger, I'm just becoming more numb.
For the past few nights I have giving into binging. I can't even say what is the reason. I couldn't stop...no matter what I tried. To be completely honest I didn't really try. I simply complied to it's wishes. I ate without measure and did not care. I slept with ease then woke to nausea. Typical scenario, only this time I didn't let it stop me from eating as I should. I hold up well in the light of day, but by night the urges return and I binge again. I've been cycling for the past 3 nights. Even if at that time I wanted to stop I knew I'd lose this fight.
Dear God, please help me get through tonight without binging. I feel the cravings so strong. I need the strength to fight the inner voice that constantly points out the wrongs.
It's 2:14am and I'm no where near sleep. Will I be more productive or will I just eat?
Perhaps another cup of tea or something to read to dull the negativity and the need...
Showing posts with label Night Eating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Night Eating. Show all posts
Monday, December 8, 2014
Sunday, March 9, 2014
At The Root
At the base of every problem is a root. In order to solve any problem you must begin at the root.
After further assessment, I question if my NES stems from a need for comfort, body image issues or both.
My symptoms of NES started around the age of 8. I lost the desire to eat breakfast. On occasion I skipped lunch or only ate a bag of chips. Food became a source of comfort, but comfort was not necessary in the light of day, at least when away from home. This development is perceived as a normal development because comfort was always associated with oral stimulation (mouthing). Chewing on fingers and toes developed into chewing rubber objects and crayons. Later I began eating soap during bath time. A feeling of euphoria came over me as I chewed and swallowed the soft salty soap. It was a welcomed feeling before bed.
I am the product of unfortunate parenting. I laugh at myself when I say that out loud. I am the product of many unfortunate things. There was little to no affection in my home. Seldom an 'I love you' or hug. Touch no longer welcomed became something forced by the hand of my dad. Comfort came in the midnight hour. When it's late and the house dark and quiet. I'd sneak into the kitchen to steal food, usually something sweet, but if all else failed I'd grab 3-4 slices of bread and wad them together. If time allowed I'd spread a little butter between each slice before wadding. It started out as a weekend thing. Mom and Dad closed their bedroom door on Saturday nights. I'd wait patiently. Never curious to know what happened behind the closed door. I only saw this as a grand opportunity to feed my need for comfort.
It didn't take long before I began seeking late night feeds during the week. It was more difficult. I'd often fall asleep waiting for an opportunity to score more comfort. There were opportunities to get food during the day. I just need to get my hands on a little money. I started steeling money from my parents so I could sneak to the bakery after school. It was just around the corner. Mom was always late picking me up which gave me ample time. I was in the 5th grade when I started hording food.
On occasions when dad was supposed to pick me up but forgot, I would go to the bakery and pizzeria. I'd order a small pizza and eat the entire thing before calling home for a ride. I can't understand mom never called the school to check on me when dad forgot me. Hours would go by and nothing. I'd always have to call her and then she'd send a cab. Isn't that odd? None of the other children were forgotten.
As I assess my past, more memories become clear and mix with the old. When I share my memories you may read some more than once. Please accept my apologies for being redundant at times.
At the age of 10 I was introduced to dieting. Endless deprivation, counting calories and measuring portions. My parents loved desert after meals. They'd eat them while I watched. At the start of each day I had to stand on the scale with both parents standing over me. It was a shame filled start to the day. Depending on how the scales tipped I might even get a beating before school.
The weight of the burden of bearing so many flaws was getting heavier and heavier. So was I.
I had to sooth my conscious and unconscious mind. It is there where the demons dwell. In the mind is where all things negative fester and develop into addictions and disorders.
I need to take a break from the memories. We can talk about this again later.
At 11:37am I had one pack of peanut butter crackers and water. There were no hunger sensations today. Lunch was at 3:48pm. I had 4 scrambled eggs with chicken, two slices of wheat bread and water. It is now 10:35pm, I have not eaten dinner yet.
After further assessment, I question if my NES stems from a need for comfort, body image issues or both.
My symptoms of NES started around the age of 8. I lost the desire to eat breakfast. On occasion I skipped lunch or only ate a bag of chips. Food became a source of comfort, but comfort was not necessary in the light of day, at least when away from home. This development is perceived as a normal development because comfort was always associated with oral stimulation (mouthing). Chewing on fingers and toes developed into chewing rubber objects and crayons. Later I began eating soap during bath time. A feeling of euphoria came over me as I chewed and swallowed the soft salty soap. It was a welcomed feeling before bed.
I am the product of unfortunate parenting. I laugh at myself when I say that out loud. I am the product of many unfortunate things. There was little to no affection in my home. Seldom an 'I love you' or hug. Touch no longer welcomed became something forced by the hand of my dad. Comfort came in the midnight hour. When it's late and the house dark and quiet. I'd sneak into the kitchen to steal food, usually something sweet, but if all else failed I'd grab 3-4 slices of bread and wad them together. If time allowed I'd spread a little butter between each slice before wadding. It started out as a weekend thing. Mom and Dad closed their bedroom door on Saturday nights. I'd wait patiently. Never curious to know what happened behind the closed door. I only saw this as a grand opportunity to feed my need for comfort.
It didn't take long before I began seeking late night feeds during the week. It was more difficult. I'd often fall asleep waiting for an opportunity to score more comfort. There were opportunities to get food during the day. I just need to get my hands on a little money. I started steeling money from my parents so I could sneak to the bakery after school. It was just around the corner. Mom was always late picking me up which gave me ample time. I was in the 5th grade when I started hording food.
On occasions when dad was supposed to pick me up but forgot, I would go to the bakery and pizzeria. I'd order a small pizza and eat the entire thing before calling home for a ride. I can't understand mom never called the school to check on me when dad forgot me. Hours would go by and nothing. I'd always have to call her and then she'd send a cab. Isn't that odd? None of the other children were forgotten.
As I assess my past, more memories become clear and mix with the old. When I share my memories you may read some more than once. Please accept my apologies for being redundant at times.
At the age of 10 I was introduced to dieting. Endless deprivation, counting calories and measuring portions. My parents loved desert after meals. They'd eat them while I watched. At the start of each day I had to stand on the scale with both parents standing over me. It was a shame filled start to the day. Depending on how the scales tipped I might even get a beating before school.
The weight of the burden of bearing so many flaws was getting heavier and heavier. So was I.
I had to sooth my conscious and unconscious mind. It is there where the demons dwell. In the mind is where all things negative fester and develop into addictions and disorders.
I need to take a break from the memories. We can talk about this again later.
At 11:37am I had one pack of peanut butter crackers and water. There were no hunger sensations today. Lunch was at 3:48pm. I had 4 scrambled eggs with chicken, two slices of wheat bread and water. It is now 10:35pm, I have not eaten dinner yet.
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