Affirmation after affirmation and I'm still trying to feel better. Some days I feel so strong, but today I do not.
How am I supposed to look in the mirror and see beauty when I look in the faces of others and see disgust? Do I really see the disgust of others or am I seeing a reflection of my own.
Sometimes it's more than stress that sends me spiraling into binging. Sometimes it's the need to forget or escape things...a night of self-medicating.
I tell myself that food will never hurt me, but it does and I let it. I'm just as accepting of the pain binging bring as I've been of abusive behaviors toward me. I take it all in thinking that taking it makes me stronger. I'm not getting stronger, I'm just becoming more numb.
For the past few nights I have giving into binging. I can't even say what is the reason. I couldn't stop...no matter what I tried. To be completely honest I didn't really try. I simply complied to it's wishes. I ate without measure and did not care. I slept with ease then woke to nausea. Typical scenario, only this time I didn't let it stop me from eating as I should. I hold up well in the light of day, but by night the urges return and I binge again. I've been cycling for the past 3 nights. Even if at that time I wanted to stop I knew I'd lose this fight.
Dear God, please help me get through tonight without binging. I feel the cravings so strong. I need the strength to fight the inner voice that constantly points out the wrongs.
It's 2:14am and I'm no where near sleep. Will I be more productive or will I just eat?
Perhaps another cup of tea or something to read to dull the negativity and the need...
Showing posts with label comfort. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comfort. Show all posts
Monday, December 8, 2014
Monday, July 7, 2014
July 7, 2014
Greetings everyone! I hope you all had a lovely break over the weeks end.
I've been thinking about you all quite a bit. I don't know your stories or even if many of you have experienced some sort of eating disorder or even addition. Whatever your story, I hope that you are well. I hope that I have been able to share something meaningful to you. And I totally understand if you don't wish to share your thoughts here. Having any kind of addiction or ED can be very difficult to talk about.
I've been talking to people around ED a lot lately, more so than ever before. I guess the main thing is my desire to encourage them to try healthier measures for dealing with pain. As I talk with other people, I find that my mind continues to explore all the facets of the roots to this long-term problem of mine. At first I found it a bit redundant to continue revisiting past questions, that is...until it started paying off. I've discovered there are many layers to how and why my ED developed. Layers that I did not recognize before, but make so much sense. Filling in the gaps, I believe is what I'd call it.
In earlier posts, I wrote about the beginning of the development of my NES desperately needing to be comforted by something that seemingly would not hurt me as I had fallen into a world filled with hurt and shame...a world without escape.
I discovered another thing about myself. I needed to feel some sense of control. I had not control over any aspect of my life including my own emotions, but I could control my eating during the day and relished the planning of eating at night. Does this sound familiar to any of you? In addition to the need to have some sort of control I also had a strong desire to be heard, to be recognized, to be seen as human. I wanted my parents to see me hurt myself. I wanted to show them see how much I hated what they wanted of me. I did everything to destroy the perfection they sought. Then too, maybe they'd feel sorry for me and feel something for me other than hate, but they didn't. How could they? What I was doing was fueling their fire. I made them hate me even more for my rebellion against their desires. Even still, I thought my parents would have some measure of sympathy for me if the pain were self inflicted. Instead they just let it happen. There was probably some measure of satisfaction watching me starve myself in the interest of loosing weight. No wonder their outrage when I stepped on a scale to find that I had gained weight instead.
I try not to dwell on my situation too much. I'm not trying to draw negativity or be depressed. What I hope for is to be able to see the bigger picture. I need to confront all of my demons. As I've said before and will continue to say...The recovery process required more than simply addressing the undesired behaviors it required digging deep and find the root cause for the behaviors. That is when the healing begins.
So I guess the question is... What have I done with my new found self discovery? Well, what I have done so far is to recognize that I need to find healthier ways to cope with my pain. Writing this blog is certainly one of them, but I believe that I need a few more healthy options. Also, this new discovery of self had lead to me assessing my relationships and why they exhaust me. I'm exhausted by my relationships because I was fulfilling a need to be heard on a level that I could manage. I'd even go so far as to say that I played a roll that was conducive to my need to be needed. And the biggest part of that fulfillment was to stand on my soap box and command my audience. How lame is that?
My need to be heard and my need to be needed was my new way of self soothing. All the while, I was still binging and starving, but my physical needs were no longer noticeable. It was my emotional need that took precedence. Perhaps that is why denial of the physical element of my ED came so easy.
I am proud to say that I am no longer the pompous blowhard and self proclaimed therapist that I was. My relationships are different. I will admit, I've lost some friends along the way, but it's okay. Those relationships were poison. For the few who stayed and the new arrivals, I try my best to be a much better friend. I strive to be a better listener, but not one who hones in on others problems, just to listen, simply for the sake of listening because we all have a right to be heard. I speak more, not to offer advice, but to share life experience and to encourage. I am working on not judging those who's opinions are different from mine. I seek healthy exchanged...give and take. Friendships should never be one-sided. I'd like to post more on the subject of friendships/relationship. Do you think that would be something you'd be interested in reading about?
There may be times that we find ourselves wanting to pull away from those we see as negative or at least contributors to our negativity only to find that we land in the lap of another who is equally or even more negative than the last. Perhaps it is not recognizable because it's a different kind of negative. Doesn't matter, a negative is a negative and it all feels the same.
My eating has been pretty good. I won't say that I've been very timely during my daytime eating, but I am eating healthy, whole meals in appropriate portions. I am back to eating a pre-measured night time snack each night. There are some nights that I really want to eat more and sometimes I do, but it's not out of control like it once was. I am completely aware of my actions. I am a work in progress, but I am making improvements.
Also, I continue to feel better about myself. I continue wanting to embrace myself and see myself with my own eyes which is working for me. I am able to stand up for myself better. I can voice when something makes me feel uncomfortable. I've noticed that a few of my longtime friends don't like the recent changes in me. These are the friends that are accustomed to feeding into my need to be needed as well as feeding their need to be heard. They're fighting to reclaim center stage and they may have it, just not with me. It feels good to be freed from another chain that binds. It feels real good...
I've been thinking about you all quite a bit. I don't know your stories or even if many of you have experienced some sort of eating disorder or even addition. Whatever your story, I hope that you are well. I hope that I have been able to share something meaningful to you. And I totally understand if you don't wish to share your thoughts here. Having any kind of addiction or ED can be very difficult to talk about.
I've been talking to people around ED a lot lately, more so than ever before. I guess the main thing is my desire to encourage them to try healthier measures for dealing with pain. As I talk with other people, I find that my mind continues to explore all the facets of the roots to this long-term problem of mine. At first I found it a bit redundant to continue revisiting past questions, that is...until it started paying off. I've discovered there are many layers to how and why my ED developed. Layers that I did not recognize before, but make so much sense. Filling in the gaps, I believe is what I'd call it.
In earlier posts, I wrote about the beginning of the development of my NES desperately needing to be comforted by something that seemingly would not hurt me as I had fallen into a world filled with hurt and shame...a world without escape.
I discovered another thing about myself. I needed to feel some sense of control. I had not control over any aspect of my life including my own emotions, but I could control my eating during the day and relished the planning of eating at night. Does this sound familiar to any of you? In addition to the need to have some sort of control I also had a strong desire to be heard, to be recognized, to be seen as human. I wanted my parents to see me hurt myself. I wanted to show them see how much I hated what they wanted of me. I did everything to destroy the perfection they sought. Then too, maybe they'd feel sorry for me and feel something for me other than hate, but they didn't. How could they? What I was doing was fueling their fire. I made them hate me even more for my rebellion against their desires. Even still, I thought my parents would have some measure of sympathy for me if the pain were self inflicted. Instead they just let it happen. There was probably some measure of satisfaction watching me starve myself in the interest of loosing weight. No wonder their outrage when I stepped on a scale to find that I had gained weight instead.
I try not to dwell on my situation too much. I'm not trying to draw negativity or be depressed. What I hope for is to be able to see the bigger picture. I need to confront all of my demons. As I've said before and will continue to say...The recovery process required more than simply addressing the undesired behaviors it required digging deep and find the root cause for the behaviors. That is when the healing begins.
So I guess the question is... What have I done with my new found self discovery? Well, what I have done so far is to recognize that I need to find healthier ways to cope with my pain. Writing this blog is certainly one of them, but I believe that I need a few more healthy options. Also, this new discovery of self had lead to me assessing my relationships and why they exhaust me. I'm exhausted by my relationships because I was fulfilling a need to be heard on a level that I could manage. I'd even go so far as to say that I played a roll that was conducive to my need to be needed. And the biggest part of that fulfillment was to stand on my soap box and command my audience. How lame is that?
My need to be heard and my need to be needed was my new way of self soothing. All the while, I was still binging and starving, but my physical needs were no longer noticeable. It was my emotional need that took precedence. Perhaps that is why denial of the physical element of my ED came so easy.
I am proud to say that I am no longer the pompous blowhard and self proclaimed therapist that I was. My relationships are different. I will admit, I've lost some friends along the way, but it's okay. Those relationships were poison. For the few who stayed and the new arrivals, I try my best to be a much better friend. I strive to be a better listener, but not one who hones in on others problems, just to listen, simply for the sake of listening because we all have a right to be heard. I speak more, not to offer advice, but to share life experience and to encourage. I am working on not judging those who's opinions are different from mine. I seek healthy exchanged...give and take. Friendships should never be one-sided. I'd like to post more on the subject of friendships/relationship. Do you think that would be something you'd be interested in reading about?
There may be times that we find ourselves wanting to pull away from those we see as negative or at least contributors to our negativity only to find that we land in the lap of another who is equally or even more negative than the last. Perhaps it is not recognizable because it's a different kind of negative. Doesn't matter, a negative is a negative and it all feels the same.
My eating has been pretty good. I won't say that I've been very timely during my daytime eating, but I am eating healthy, whole meals in appropriate portions. I am back to eating a pre-measured night time snack each night. There are some nights that I really want to eat more and sometimes I do, but it's not out of control like it once was. I am completely aware of my actions. I am a work in progress, but I am making improvements.
Also, I continue to feel better about myself. I continue wanting to embrace myself and see myself with my own eyes which is working for me. I am able to stand up for myself better. I can voice when something makes me feel uncomfortable. I've noticed that a few of my longtime friends don't like the recent changes in me. These are the friends that are accustomed to feeding into my need to be needed as well as feeding their need to be heard. They're fighting to reclaim center stage and they may have it, just not with me. It feels good to be freed from another chain that binds. It feels real good...
Monday, May 19, 2014
How I Feel - 5/19/14
This is my safe place. A place of honesty and sharing. I've shown my failures and I've shared my triumphs. I've even allowed a little peek into my soul. So what's left but to say that which lies beneath the sweet façade, giving unto the things that crawleth under the skin sending one spiraling into darkness praying to survive another day...as the inevitable awaits.
I unconsciously lift my fork to my mouth. There is food there, so I eat of it. Food doesn't taste good today nor did it yesterday. I still say it feels good to have made progress, but I am still very afraid. What if I fail again? What if I go so far only to start from square one again? How sick will I get this time?
Will I ever lose this weight? How can I ever lose this weight? Stupid diets don't work! All they do is make me want to STOP...eating. I have to eat.
Sometimes I don't feel healthy enough to exercise. I feel sick and I'm always tired. I've worn myself to the core. My monsters laugh at me. They can't hurt me anymore, but that doesn't matter. I've mastered hurting myself.
How many of us suffer, unable to see past poor self image? You don't have to answer that. I bet the majority of us do. I see so many having been emotionally, mentally and physically damaged...brutally so sometimes. The suffering is beyond pandemic. We are so saturated with pain that it's almost unrecognizable...invisible. We used to overlook pain because it wasn't talked about, but now we overlook the pain because it's what we are all about. Who hasn't been affected by addiction, physical affliction, unfortunate parenting, victimization, sexual deviancy, learned behavior, narcissism, co-dependency, mental illness...whatever the.... You name it we've got it...welcome to hell.
Why do we cling to pain? I don't understand it, but I see nothing other than IT. The cycle is vicious. There are people who want to hurt people while wanting to hurt themselves because they've been hurt; but then they may choose to hurt themselves over hurting other people, because it's another way to hurt others while feeding the inherent desire to continue the hurt they've known. It's a way of getting attention. It's a way of being left alone. It's a way of screaming out loud. It's a way of keeping silent. It's a relief. It's an escape. Pain used to cope with pain...that's the name of the game...right? If pain doesn't come now...it will most assuredly come later. No one goes unscathed.
The cycle of torment spans generations. The only difference between us and them...then and now...speaking our truth out loud. Of course, there are still those who live by the old decree...what happens in this house stays in this house. Secrets and lies stacked up in closets and shoved under beds; sent of to the places of unknown. I still wonder what kinds of hell past generations have seen. What lies have been dragged into graves. My mom had secrets...lots of them. Many of which I don't know or care to remember. She knew all my dirty secrets and dared not speak of them...not even to me.
I can't get this feeling out of my head...the feeling of being leprous, undesirable...cursed. Hell's fire upon all who look upon me. I am the hunchback of Notre Dame. The one shunned and ran away from. I do not know the love others claim to know. I have been used, abused and left to wither away. People tell me I'm pretty even beautiful, but it's all an illusion. I'm hidden behind smoke and mirrors. They want to make me feel better, but I don't want them to make me feel better and if they continue trying to make me feel better than I won't allow myself to feel better at all. I can't stand the disappointment. I can't stand feeling pretty for another moment only to watch it fade away...again. I just want to be left alone. Funny...I tell others they're beautiful. I want them to believe it because I believe it. Do they really believe me or do they feel the same as I do? Am I really helping them or am I trying to help myself?
I want to be stuck in a cave far away from humanity. I want to go unseen. I want to move along the crevices of existence cloaked by the black of night. I want to be sheltered by the silence of my thoughts. They won't be silenced. I want to numb my thoughts with food, self medicated in the comfort of being uncomfortable, but I can't. My desire to do so is fading so I sit here tonight and I write, fighting to live a life that I've never lived. Tonight I sit lost in a poetic slur.
I unconsciously lift my fork to my mouth. There is food there, so I eat of it. Food doesn't taste good today nor did it yesterday. I still say it feels good to have made progress, but I am still very afraid. What if I fail again? What if I go so far only to start from square one again? How sick will I get this time?
Will I ever lose this weight? How can I ever lose this weight? Stupid diets don't work! All they do is make me want to STOP...eating. I have to eat.
Sometimes I don't feel healthy enough to exercise. I feel sick and I'm always tired. I've worn myself to the core. My monsters laugh at me. They can't hurt me anymore, but that doesn't matter. I've mastered hurting myself.
How many of us suffer, unable to see past poor self image? You don't have to answer that. I bet the majority of us do. I see so many having been emotionally, mentally and physically damaged...brutally so sometimes. The suffering is beyond pandemic. We are so saturated with pain that it's almost unrecognizable...invisible. We used to overlook pain because it wasn't talked about, but now we overlook the pain because it's what we are all about. Who hasn't been affected by addiction, physical affliction, unfortunate parenting, victimization, sexual deviancy, learned behavior, narcissism, co-dependency, mental illness...whatever the.... You name it we've got it...welcome to hell.
Why do we cling to pain? I don't understand it, but I see nothing other than IT. The cycle is vicious. There are people who want to hurt people while wanting to hurt themselves because they've been hurt; but then they may choose to hurt themselves over hurting other people, because it's another way to hurt others while feeding the inherent desire to continue the hurt they've known. It's a way of getting attention. It's a way of being left alone. It's a way of screaming out loud. It's a way of keeping silent. It's a relief. It's an escape. Pain used to cope with pain...that's the name of the game...right? If pain doesn't come now...it will most assuredly come later. No one goes unscathed.
The cycle of torment spans generations. The only difference between us and them...then and now...speaking our truth out loud. Of course, there are still those who live by the old decree...what happens in this house stays in this house. Secrets and lies stacked up in closets and shoved under beds; sent of to the places of unknown. I still wonder what kinds of hell past generations have seen. What lies have been dragged into graves. My mom had secrets...lots of them. Many of which I don't know or care to remember. She knew all my dirty secrets and dared not speak of them...not even to me.
I can't get this feeling out of my head...the feeling of being leprous, undesirable...cursed. Hell's fire upon all who look upon me. I am the hunchback of Notre Dame. The one shunned and ran away from. I do not know the love others claim to know. I have been used, abused and left to wither away. People tell me I'm pretty even beautiful, but it's all an illusion. I'm hidden behind smoke and mirrors. They want to make me feel better, but I don't want them to make me feel better and if they continue trying to make me feel better than I won't allow myself to feel better at all. I can't stand the disappointment. I can't stand feeling pretty for another moment only to watch it fade away...again. I just want to be left alone. Funny...I tell others they're beautiful. I want them to believe it because I believe it. Do they really believe me or do they feel the same as I do? Am I really helping them or am I trying to help myself?
I want to be stuck in a cave far away from humanity. I want to go unseen. I want to move along the crevices of existence cloaked by the black of night. I want to be sheltered by the silence of my thoughts. They won't be silenced. I want to numb my thoughts with food, self medicated in the comfort of being uncomfortable, but I can't. My desire to do so is fading so I sit here tonight and I write, fighting to live a life that I've never lived. Tonight I sit lost in a poetic slur.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
March 2, 2014
I'd like to begin by thanking the Lord Jesus Christ for giving me this day. This is truly a day that the Lord has made. In this day I will suffer memories of my past and some form of the emotions that will accompany these memories. I will work to keep my promises to myself. Eating healthy and in healthy increments is a constant struggle. I know the Lord will help me. I just need to make the effort. Today is going to be a good. I does not matter how much I hurt today, because I will come out on the other side having gained something.
Success! It is 11:50am and I am eating breakfast while I write this post. Today I am having scrambled egg with a little bit of carrots, broccoli and cheese mixed in. There will be no coffee or toast today. The earlier I eat the less I can consume. Baby steps.
I probably shouldn't be multi-tasking right now. I know...I need a bit of a distraction sometimes to help get my mind off the fact that I am eating. Which is probably the exact opposite of what I should be doing. For now, it's working, so I forge forward. Even though I'm keeping my word and making every effort to start eating on or before noon, I still don't have any desire to eat. I've had a little water with my medicines this morning and I will make a point to drink water throughout the day. I try to get a glass of water almost every time I go to the kitchen. I do feel the sensation of thirst periodically, which in an improvement. I've yet to feel physical hunger sensations. So eating is more of a forced action than a reaction to a need. At least I'm eating before the bewitching hour of 4pm.
I don't think lunch will happen today. It hasn't for some time. My usual eating routine, when in binge mode, starts with eating around 4pm, cooking dinner between 6-8pm, eating again between 8-9pm and then my snack around 1-2am. This routine is what has developed so far out of 4 years of working on this disorder. When not in binge mode and feeling stronger, I am able to begin eating around 10am, having a desire to do so which is what sets these two modes apart. Lunch is around 12:30-1pm. I'll have a small snack like peanut butter and crackers around 3-3:30pm and start dinner around 4-4:30pm. Dinner would be served about 6-6:30. A late night snack is usually prepared, but seldom eaten during better times.
Remember how wonderful I felt yesterday? Well, today I woke up with my internal voices nagging at me. You know, those voice that play over and over in your head like a broken record. Voice from the past telling you that you're not good enough...you're not smart enough. That's what I'm dealing with today. It's as if I'm not allowed to be happy. My mind fills with negative thoughts reminiscent of the abusive treatment received from my parents. Whenever I was happy they would do something, say something or allow something to take away my happiness. There were only brief moments of happiness on the occasion they got everything they wanted out of me, which was rare. Whatever they got from me was usually never enough.
I was eight or nine, when my mother came into my room and began beating me while I was slept. She whaled on me for a long time, until she was out of breath. Once she was able to compose herself, she told me to get up and go to the kitchen. When I got to the kitchen, she picked up a fork and waved it in my face, yelling and screaming at me for putting the fork in the drying rack with a speck of food on it. The beating began again and then she ordered me to re-wash all of the dishes. Memories like that and much worse haunt me daily. It's no wonder I turned to food for comfort. Comfort was scarce and food never hurt me.
Enough with the memories for now. I've finished my breakfast and I'm feeling good about eating a meal before 1pm. Dinner will be collard greens, candied yams and turkey ham.
Success! It is 11:50am and I am eating breakfast while I write this post. Today I am having scrambled egg with a little bit of carrots, broccoli and cheese mixed in. There will be no coffee or toast today. The earlier I eat the less I can consume. Baby steps.
I probably shouldn't be multi-tasking right now. I know...I need a bit of a distraction sometimes to help get my mind off the fact that I am eating. Which is probably the exact opposite of what I should be doing. For now, it's working, so I forge forward. Even though I'm keeping my word and making every effort to start eating on or before noon, I still don't have any desire to eat. I've had a little water with my medicines this morning and I will make a point to drink water throughout the day. I try to get a glass of water almost every time I go to the kitchen. I do feel the sensation of thirst periodically, which in an improvement. I've yet to feel physical hunger sensations. So eating is more of a forced action than a reaction to a need. At least I'm eating before the bewitching hour of 4pm.
I don't think lunch will happen today. It hasn't for some time. My usual eating routine, when in binge mode, starts with eating around 4pm, cooking dinner between 6-8pm, eating again between 8-9pm and then my snack around 1-2am. This routine is what has developed so far out of 4 years of working on this disorder. When not in binge mode and feeling stronger, I am able to begin eating around 10am, having a desire to do so which is what sets these two modes apart. Lunch is around 12:30-1pm. I'll have a small snack like peanut butter and crackers around 3-3:30pm and start dinner around 4-4:30pm. Dinner would be served about 6-6:30. A late night snack is usually prepared, but seldom eaten during better times.
Remember how wonderful I felt yesterday? Well, today I woke up with my internal voices nagging at me. You know, those voice that play over and over in your head like a broken record. Voice from the past telling you that you're not good enough...you're not smart enough. That's what I'm dealing with today. It's as if I'm not allowed to be happy. My mind fills with negative thoughts reminiscent of the abusive treatment received from my parents. Whenever I was happy they would do something, say something or allow something to take away my happiness. There were only brief moments of happiness on the occasion they got everything they wanted out of me, which was rare. Whatever they got from me was usually never enough.
I was eight or nine, when my mother came into my room and began beating me while I was slept. She whaled on me for a long time, until she was out of breath. Once she was able to compose herself, she told me to get up and go to the kitchen. When I got to the kitchen, she picked up a fork and waved it in my face, yelling and screaming at me for putting the fork in the drying rack with a speck of food on it. The beating began again and then she ordered me to re-wash all of the dishes. Memories like that and much worse haunt me daily. It's no wonder I turned to food for comfort. Comfort was scarce and food never hurt me.
Enough with the memories for now. I've finished my breakfast and I'm feeling good about eating a meal before 1pm. Dinner will be collard greens, candied yams and turkey ham.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Slippery Slope
June 2013
Week 2
I am a long way from combating Night Eating Syndrome. I’ve
made great strides in accepting that I have this condition and am actively
working towards a healthier life and lifestyle. My struggle with this disorder
is more prevalent now because I am seeing the reality of it. Writing this blog
is a way for me to relieve my mind of some of the facts and feelings associated
with this disorder. This is my attempt at taking a stand and be accountable
for my actions no matter the root source or the outcome.
I’ve been doing fairly well managing my NES this past year, much
better than a few years ago. For the most part, I am able to consume more of my
caloric intake before 7pm which is monumental for me. In the past my caloric
intake was next to nil during the day. Even though I would start eating around
4:30-5:00pm, I would only take a few bites before hoarded the rest for later.
This week I have been experiencing a little more stress then
my norm and I find myself reverting back to some of my old ways. I am picking
up on a definitive pattern. The onset of binge eating tends to occur when
stress levels are on the rise; daytime appetite decreases rapidly as I fast
approach full binge mode, that is, if I’m not careful. Note to self…continue
working on managing stress. Can’t stop stressors from occurring, but I can
change how I deal with them. There is one good thing in all of this...I am identifying the
problems and working towards correcting them. Besides, beating myself up about
this is not going to help. Let’s face it, it took more than a day to develop
this disorder and it’s certainly going to take more than a day to cure it.
My most recent binge happened a few days ago. I hoarded some
food from dinner specifically to consume during late night hours. I was fully aware
of what I was doing and proceeded anyway. The urge was strong and I gave into
it. I did not want to fight it and possibly cause a bigger binge. That night, I
tried several things to relax like playing music or writing. This helped for a while,
but I still could not fight the urge to feed before sleeping. So I did. I consumed the foods designated for
my night time feed and then off to sleep I went. The next day, I forgetting to eat breakfast. I did not eat a morsel until about 2:30pm. Not good,
but not my worst. Of course eating later in the day throws everything off. I
still cooked dinner, but opted to eat much later than my new norm.
The next day, I didn’t eat anything until after 5pm. This is
getting very bad. I’m heading towards a bigger binge. I can feel it. I have to get
focused and get back on track with my eating. It is imperative. I can’t afford
to continue going backwards. I’ve come too far and my health is on the mend. I don’t
ever want to get as sick as I was before buckling down to combat this dreaded
thing.
Since Friday, my stressful period has calmed and all is well. Yesterday and today I
ate breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack. So far I do not have the urge to binge tonight. I've already put away the left overs from dinner. Now I’ve got to come up with a better strategy for maintaining a healthy eating plan during high stress times. I've really got my work cut out for me with this one.
There are slippery slopes on this journey and last week I
slipped pretty hard. But I’m regaining my footing and so onward and upward…one
step at a time…one day at a time.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Where do I begin?
A few years ago I was forced to make some hard decisions about my eating disorder, Night Eating Syndrome (NES).
At present time NES is not in the DSM IV/V.
The three main components identifying NES are Morning Anorexia, Night Binging and Insomnia. There is hope for us. Binge Eating Disorder recently added to the DSM-V under (EDNOS) Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified has given way to the possibility of two new additions to the DSM-V, Purging Disorder and NES.
I have been ignoring NES for 25 years. Three years ago my health took a turn for the worse. It quickly became evident that I needed to change my ways or else I would surely die. So I claimed my dirty little secret, frequent night time binges, and began looking into steps I could take to make positive life changes.
First steps toward recovery:
Acknowledge having an eating disorder.
Increase awareness of my own eating patterns. Note how I feel before/during and after meal times.
Identify possible beginning of NES behaviors.
Assess feelings, emotional state and reasoning behind late night eating.
Contact Psychologist to begin work on underlying issues.
No matter if you binged last week, last night or just a few minutes ago, it's not too late to get on the road to recovery.
Related Articles:
Night Eating Syndrome: Should it be Included in the DSM-V
Night Eating Disorderhttp://www.allianceforeatingdisorders.com/night-eating-syndrome
Issues for DSM-V: Night Eating Syndrome
http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/article.aspx?articleID=99701
What is Night Eating Syndrome?
Night eating syndrome, or NES, also "midnight hunger", is an emerging eating disorder diagnosis, which primarily characterizes an ongoing, persistent pattern of late-night binge eating.[1][2] NES was originally described by Dr Albert Stunkard in 1955[3] and is currently proposed for inclusion in the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.[4] The diagnosis is controversial; its validity and clinical utility have been questioned[5] and there are currently no official diagnostic criteria. - Wikipedia.com
More information on the Characteristics of NES
http://jama.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=191250
There are several night time eating disorders listed in varying resources. So while looking up more information you may want to check into these...
Nocturnal Hyperphagia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kleine%E2%80%93Levin_syndrome
Nocturnal Eating Disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nocturnal_sleep-related_eating_disorder
Parasomia (SRED) Sleep Related Eating Disorder (also linked to NED)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parasomnia
EDNOS Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified
Exert from http://www.eatingdisordersonline.com/explain/ednos.php
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 4th Edition there exists a category of eating disorders that do not meet the specific criteria for the two defined disorders, Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia. When people exhibit behaviors in the spectrum of disordered eating but do not meet all the criteria for Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia, they are given a diagnosis of an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). Over one-half to two-thirds of people diagnosed with eating disorders fall into the category of EDNOS. More people are diagnosed with EDNOS than Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia combined.
Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is the only type of eating disorder under the category of EDNOS. A person meets the definition of having EDNOS if they have exhibit all the criteria for Anorexia Nervosa but have regular menstruation or a normal body weight, or if they exhibit all the criteria for Bulimia but purge less than two times per week or for a duration shorter than three months, or if only small amounts of food are purged, or if a person spits out food rather than swallowing it.
People diagnosed with EDNOS can experience the same negative psychological, social, and physical consequences as a person diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia. The seriousness of their condition is no different than that for people diagnosed with specific disorders. The only difference is that the person may experience a spectrum of disordered eating behaviors and these behaviors may change over time.
Although BED is the only one of the types of eating disorders categorized under EDNOS, people who are considered to have Sub Therapeutic Anorexia Nervosa or Sub Therapeutic Bulimia are also given a diagnosis of EDNOS. To have Sub Therapeutic Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia means that a person displays some but not all of the criteria for the full-blown condition.
Read more about EDNOS
Huffington Post
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/04/eating-disorders-ednos-dsm-5_n_2398373.html
Wikipedia.com
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_disorder_not_otherwise_specified
Educate yourself
It's going to take some time before NES enters the realm of legitimized eating disorders. In the meantime you will need to education yourself on the subject and take carful not of your relationship with food.
Have your information handy when approaching medical professionals for help. NES is not commonly known or spoken off in general medicine. If your medical professional is not familiar with the term Night Eating Syndrome, you may want to try a couple of the other terms listed with exception the EDNOS which umbrellas only one eating disorder, Binge Eating in the DSM-IV/V.
My Experience
A seemingly lack of interest of the subject has been my experience with medical professionals. Though my concerns duly noted, they are still unaddressed. There is no definitive diagnosis so it is simply put into my file as a general note.
Medical professionals can be rather harsh when dealing with weight related issues. They don't understand for many, "obesity" is a band aid for internalized emotional scars. A self made barrier of protection. Obvious distain for one's heaviness and harsh words do not help the situation.
NES is very real and can be a debilitating disorder. I have lived with NES for 28 years and it has taken me until 3 years ago to figure out ways and strategies to begin helping myself.
I strongly recommend seeking council to help with this process. NES has a root and one of the ways to combat any problem is to find the root source. Having a psychologist to help you strategies your way back to a healthy relationship with food is key.
More Reading Materials about NES
Overcoming Night Eating Syndrome: A Step-By-Step Guide To Breaking The Cycle
by, Kelly C. Allison, PH.D., Albert J. Stunkard, MD, with Sara L. Their
Night Eating Syndrome
by Frederic P. Miller (Editor), Agnes F. Vandome (Editor), John McBrewster (Editor)
Night Eating Syndrome
Research, Assessment, and Treatment
Edited by Jennifer D. Lundgren, Kelly C. Allison, Albert J. Stunkard
More information on the Characteristics of NES
http://jama.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=191250
There are several night time eating disorders listed in varying resources. So while looking up more information you may want to check into these...
Nocturnal Hyperphagia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kleine%E2%80%93Levin_syndrome
Nocturnal Eating Disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nocturnal_sleep-related_eating_disorder
Parasomia (SRED) Sleep Related Eating Disorder (also linked to NED)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parasomnia
EDNOS Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified
Exert from http://www.eatingdisordersonline.com/explain/ednos.php
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 4th Edition there exists a category of eating disorders that do not meet the specific criteria for the two defined disorders, Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia. When people exhibit behaviors in the spectrum of disordered eating but do not meet all the criteria for Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia, they are given a diagnosis of an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). Over one-half to two-thirds of people diagnosed with eating disorders fall into the category of EDNOS. More people are diagnosed with EDNOS than Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia combined.
Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is the only type of eating disorder under the category of EDNOS. A person meets the definition of having EDNOS if they have exhibit all the criteria for Anorexia Nervosa but have regular menstruation or a normal body weight, or if they exhibit all the criteria for Bulimia but purge less than two times per week or for a duration shorter than three months, or if only small amounts of food are purged, or if a person spits out food rather than swallowing it.
People diagnosed with EDNOS can experience the same negative psychological, social, and physical consequences as a person diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia. The seriousness of their condition is no different than that for people diagnosed with specific disorders. The only difference is that the person may experience a spectrum of disordered eating behaviors and these behaviors may change over time.
Although BED is the only one of the types of eating disorders categorized under EDNOS, people who are considered to have Sub Therapeutic Anorexia Nervosa or Sub Therapeutic Bulimia are also given a diagnosis of EDNOS. To have Sub Therapeutic Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia means that a person displays some but not all of the criteria for the full-blown condition.
Read more about EDNOS
Huffington Post
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/04/eating-disorders-ednos-dsm-5_n_2398373.html
Wikipedia.com
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_disorder_not_otherwise_specified
Educate yourself
It's going to take some time before NES enters the realm of legitimized eating disorders. In the meantime you will need to education yourself on the subject and take carful not of your relationship with food.
Have your information handy when approaching medical professionals for help. NES is not commonly known or spoken off in general medicine. If your medical professional is not familiar with the term Night Eating Syndrome, you may want to try a couple of the other terms listed with exception the EDNOS which umbrellas only one eating disorder, Binge Eating in the DSM-IV/V.
My Experience
A seemingly lack of interest of the subject has been my experience with medical professionals. Though my concerns duly noted, they are still unaddressed. There is no definitive diagnosis so it is simply put into my file as a general note.
Medical professionals can be rather harsh when dealing with weight related issues. They don't understand for many, "obesity" is a band aid for internalized emotional scars. A self made barrier of protection. Obvious distain for one's heaviness and harsh words do not help the situation.
NES is very real and can be a debilitating disorder. I have lived with NES for 28 years and it has taken me until 3 years ago to figure out ways and strategies to begin helping myself.
I strongly recommend seeking council to help with this process. NES has a root and one of the ways to combat any problem is to find the root source. Having a psychologist to help you strategies your way back to a healthy relationship with food is key.
More Reading Materials about NES
Overcoming Night Eating Syndrome: A Step-By-Step Guide To Breaking The Cycle
by, Kelly C. Allison, PH.D., Albert J. Stunkard, MD, with Sara L. Their
Night Eating Syndrome
by Frederic P. Miller (Editor), Agnes F. Vandome (Editor), John McBrewster (Editor)
Night Eating Syndrome
Research, Assessment, and Treatment
Edited by Jennifer D. Lundgren, Kelly C. Allison, Albert J. Stunkard
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