Hi there. How are you doing? Are you having a good Summer so far? I can't complain. As a matter of fact I have quite a bit to be thankful for. I don't have any particular plans other than continuing to embrace the advocacy work that I've been doing for almost a year now. It's going very well. I'm meeting some really incredible people who are as passionate about advocacy as I am, if not more. New opportunities are opening up for me and my skill set in increasing by leaps and bounds. My son's health is better also. Food is not making him suffer. He enjoys the foods that I'm cooking and he's responding well to the medicines he's taking. We did go through a period where his seizures increased dramatically, landing us in the ER a few times. With many prayers and a few adjustments to medications he seems to be doing well.
It's been a long time since I've seen my son so happy, even though I've witnessed him smile through much of his pain for the past three years. It's different now. I can tell he feels much better. I sit here listening to his inaudible chatter and contagious laughter and smile to myself, taking mental note of my gratitude.
In my last post I wrote about becoming aware of my self-sabotaging mindset whenever I've managed to achieve a weight loss goal or an exercise goal or even an eating goal for that fact. I've been spending a lot of time praying about this thing, because I honestly didn't have a clue what to do about it. I needed answers to questions I could barely voice. I'm still seeking answers and while I'm seeking those answers I'm systematically compiling more questions. While all of this this is going on, I turn my attention towards the self I see in the mirror and I begin to see what looks like change. As I stare at my reflection I wonder if what I see is real.
Have you ever come to a point in a situation where you simply don't know which way to go? It doesn't matter how much you think about it, you still have no clue and as soon as frustration sets in, you shift gears and begin willing your thoughts to disappear. Before long you might find yourself in a vicious cycle of trying to overcome something that you don't know how to overcome and getting angrier by the moment because you can't to do this on you own.
Part of my Christian belief is that we as believers should not try to navigate life's trials and tribulations on our own. We are taught to rely on God, to seek Him in all that we do. Why is it so hard to put this into practice? The way I see it, it's because we are fixated on seeing self...not our whole self, just the parts we don't like. We read books on how to help self. We seek out inspirational speakers that say to us, rely on self...believe in self. As a matter of fact, since the beginning of our being we are conditioned to focus solely on self. Even much of our faith practice is focused on self, what we want from God...not what God wants from us. And if that isn't enough of a track towards narcissism we go one step further and expand our focus on how the world sees us and that image becomes the image we pay most attention to. We use the world as our mirror and almost always hate what we see. And so every thing we do, say, experience, and want is centered around the image of self that we want to portray to the world. We want to be better than what the world sais we are. Okay, so let me ask this... How can we Christians see God if all we see is the world's view of self? And how can we see God in ourselves if we don't like what self looks like? I'll even go one step further and ask, how do we learn to trust God and love Him with our whole heart if we don't think He made us right...if we think that God made a mistake when He made us? Have you ever thought about that and how that kind of thinking affects us on every level?
I'm starting to understand why there's such a profound level of negative self and body image. I don't know one other person that is happy with the way God made them...not one. And though I've never had an issue with the way God made me, I've spent the majority of my life loathing what life's circumstances created me to be...fat and afraid.
A couple weeks ago I was about to write a post on not being able to see change. I sat down, opened my blog and attempted to type out the first sentence. Something inside of me would not let me complete that sentence. I closed my blog and began working on something else. A few days past, random thoughts dashing across my mind. "Wonder why I can't see any change?" "Is it because I've been so heavy for so long that I'm not able to see myself any other way?" "Maybe I need to try wearing a smaller size." Of course, at that time I was afraid to try a smaller size. I didn't want to endure anticipation followed by the disappointment of a smaller size still being the too tight. Another thought crossed my mind, "Could it be that I'm not able to see progress for fear of sabotaging myself again?" That was it. It became clear to me that my inability to handle progress will always be a stronghold if I don't seek help from God, because I can't get past this on my own.
Sometimes when I ask God for answers He answers me right away. Other times, He takes me through a process...a journey. I've learned, when asking God to help me change something about myself, in order to achieving change it often requires a process. This time the process is to shift my focus from seeing the world view of self to seeing God's creation.
With the help of God I was able to spend the first year of my journey working towards better physical health by increasing awareness of my emotions and their link to my eating disorder. He also helped me find the courage to look in a mirror and see the image I'd been running from, because my image was everything the world considered wrong. I had to learn how to see my body, not as what the world sees, but as it was created by God and what He intended my body to be.
This is what the bible has to say about that. 1 Corinthians 3:16-17 Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? If any man destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him, for the temple of God is holy, and that is what you are.
Now that I am learning to see myself in the light in which I am meant to be seen, I can better handle the progress I'm making and know that I'm going to be alright because the darkness of negative thoughts cannot penetrate the light of seeing myself through God's eyes.
Onward and Upward!
Showing posts with label Healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Healing. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Success in Failure
Wow! It's been a long time since I've sat down to blog. How have you been? I've been okay, much better here lately. At the beginning of the year I felt pretty crummy. Battling lethargy, and dealing with feelings of guilt and failure.
My last blog post was November 1, 2016. I was in a fairly good place at that time. Even looking forward to the holiday season and continuing my new non-traditional celebrations. I was struggling to keep up with exercise and eating right. I binged a few times. Fortunately not complete out of control binging as is so common for me during that time of year. There were several big downers around that time, one was going to the doctor and getting on the scale. For some reason, I imagined being in a better place with my weight, but when I got on the scale I found that I was only and I say this from the place of brokenness; I was only a couple pounds lighter than when I started the process a little over a year ago. Disappointment rained over me, so I retreated for a bit and licked my wounds...again.
A few weeks went by and I found myself in the throws of preparing for my non-traditional holiday meals which consisted of seafood and salads, no deserts and no roasted bird except for the bird promised to me by my friend who was gravely ill at the time. She makes the best roasted bird...any kind of bird. And for that I wanted to make my favorite holiday dressing traditional...yes...but necessary. I was only missing one thing. The gluten free cornbread mix that I loved so much. I searched 7 grocery stores weekly and still could not find what I was looking for.
I didn't want my friend to make the turkey. I didn't think she had the strength, but I also wondered if she didn't make the turkey this year would she ever be able to again. I struggled with the notion of allowing her to keep her promise while watching her fade into a being I could no longer recognize.
While searching earnestly for balance, I still had the charge of dealing with failure. Back when I first started on my journey to living a healthier life, I watched countless videos of women and men who like me struggled with weight and sometimes eating disorders. They'd show video accounts of the first 8 months to a year and the change was dramatic. I was filled with so much hope. I didn't want to focus on the week to week I just held on to hope that at the end of the year I would be a much healthier version of myself. It appeared I didn't achieve that goal or did I.
Over a year ago I was just coming to terms with my eating disorder. Though I had lost some weight over a period of several years, I was still very uncomfortable, very unhealthy and struggling to literally "fit" in. I didn't lose a large amount of weight in this past year. I barely lost a little, but does that equate to failure? I said yes then...now I say something other. Success did not come by way of decrease in weight, it came by way of increase of determination. Even thought my weight loss was only a little it was still a loss and not a gain. And though I struggled and loss the battle many times, I was still fighting the war and gained more resilience, determination and desire to achieve my goal. It took considerable time for me to come to this conclusion, but in doing so I was able to let go.
It's now April 2017. Just last month I found myself back on the saddle and as I picked up the reigns I made the decision to enjoy my life. I'm no longer focused on the journey, but more so embracing life and living. I'm living and doing and exploring things that I never thought I would. I've stepped out on faith and began working more diligently on my autism and disability advocacy. I now serve on several boards and committees. And just recently was invited to speak at the 2017 WAAD observation held at the United Nations in NYC. Who would have thunk it? How did I get here? I don't really know. I just know that I'm enjoying life and passions and I'm taking my beautiful son with me every step of the way. And guess what...at my last doctors appointment I stepped on the scale and to my astonishment I crossed over the threshold I'd been trying to cross for the previous 14 months. It happened just like that. I was amazed and celebrated quietly. I'm still celebrating.
Today, I sit at my desk with many thoughts to share and a smile on my face. I've eaten healthy meals and am about to have a snack. I don't have to worry about walking by my son's snack bowl like I did before. I can actually pluck a chip or two and think nothing of it, nor do I worry about that the taste of a chip on my lips triggering me to binge. I'm alive! I'm living! And I'm loving life!
Onward and Upward!
My last blog post was November 1, 2016. I was in a fairly good place at that time. Even looking forward to the holiday season and continuing my new non-traditional celebrations. I was struggling to keep up with exercise and eating right. I binged a few times. Fortunately not complete out of control binging as is so common for me during that time of year. There were several big downers around that time, one was going to the doctor and getting on the scale. For some reason, I imagined being in a better place with my weight, but when I got on the scale I found that I was only and I say this from the place of brokenness; I was only a couple pounds lighter than when I started the process a little over a year ago. Disappointment rained over me, so I retreated for a bit and licked my wounds...again.
A few weeks went by and I found myself in the throws of preparing for my non-traditional holiday meals which consisted of seafood and salads, no deserts and no roasted bird except for the bird promised to me by my friend who was gravely ill at the time. She makes the best roasted bird...any kind of bird. And for that I wanted to make my favorite holiday dressing traditional...yes...but necessary. I was only missing one thing. The gluten free cornbread mix that I loved so much. I searched 7 grocery stores weekly and still could not find what I was looking for.
I didn't want my friend to make the turkey. I didn't think she had the strength, but I also wondered if she didn't make the turkey this year would she ever be able to again. I struggled with the notion of allowing her to keep her promise while watching her fade into a being I could no longer recognize.
While searching earnestly for balance, I still had the charge of dealing with failure. Back when I first started on my journey to living a healthier life, I watched countless videos of women and men who like me struggled with weight and sometimes eating disorders. They'd show video accounts of the first 8 months to a year and the change was dramatic. I was filled with so much hope. I didn't want to focus on the week to week I just held on to hope that at the end of the year I would be a much healthier version of myself. It appeared I didn't achieve that goal or did I.
Over a year ago I was just coming to terms with my eating disorder. Though I had lost some weight over a period of several years, I was still very uncomfortable, very unhealthy and struggling to literally "fit" in. I didn't lose a large amount of weight in this past year. I barely lost a little, but does that equate to failure? I said yes then...now I say something other. Success did not come by way of decrease in weight, it came by way of increase of determination. Even thought my weight loss was only a little it was still a loss and not a gain. And though I struggled and loss the battle many times, I was still fighting the war and gained more resilience, determination and desire to achieve my goal. It took considerable time for me to come to this conclusion, but in doing so I was able to let go.
It's now April 2017. Just last month I found myself back on the saddle and as I picked up the reigns I made the decision to enjoy my life. I'm no longer focused on the journey, but more so embracing life and living. I'm living and doing and exploring things that I never thought I would. I've stepped out on faith and began working more diligently on my autism and disability advocacy. I now serve on several boards and committees. And just recently was invited to speak at the 2017 WAAD observation held at the United Nations in NYC. Who would have thunk it? How did I get here? I don't really know. I just know that I'm enjoying life and passions and I'm taking my beautiful son with me every step of the way. And guess what...at my last doctors appointment I stepped on the scale and to my astonishment I crossed over the threshold I'd been trying to cross for the previous 14 months. It happened just like that. I was amazed and celebrated quietly. I'm still celebrating.
Today, I sit at my desk with many thoughts to share and a smile on my face. I've eaten healthy meals and am about to have a snack. I don't have to worry about walking by my son's snack bowl like I did before. I can actually pluck a chip or two and think nothing of it, nor do I worry about that the taste of a chip on my lips triggering me to binge. I'm alive! I'm living! And I'm loving life!
Onward and Upward!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
No More Hiding: Letting Go At Last
Prayer is an intricate part of my healing journey. One of the many things I've prayed for is the ability to see myself through my own eyes...not the eyes of my parents.
It took some time before I realized that I did not know myself or see myself as ought to. I only saw what my parents taught me to see. I saw a life not worth living beyond the service I provided. I put all others before myself, fulfilling their needs...my sole priority. I saw ability that would never be recognized and a thirst that would never be quenched. Deprivation was my reward and pain my only inheritance.
It's also very difficult to see yourself when you are not allowed to make even the most simple decisions for yourself. Hair was one of those things that seemed to be more of an issue than need be.
I used to sit in front of my mirror every evening and cry. My hair was always the same. Two or three ponytails with huge ribbons or bows that matched my outfit. This is how I looked everyday. I hated it and I hated my mother for making me look like this.
When I closed my eyes I could see myself with very long hair, but the hair looked strange to me. It looked like braids but it wasn't braided. I didn't know what locks were and had no idea that was the hairstyle I envisioned. I would also see myself with huge hair, wild and curly...unruly. I loved seeing myself like that. Then I'd open my eyes again to see what was still my reality and I retreated further into myself.
One day, I asked my mom if I could wear my hair braided. Absolutely not, she said. I asked, why? Mom turned to me as if to give a life lesson. She said, wearing your hair natural will only make you look ignorant. You must straighten your hair so people will think of you as intelligent. My heart sank and so did my head as I slowly walked back to my room to sit in front of my mirror and cry. I've never forgotten her words.
It would not be until I was in my mid 30s that I would be able to stand up to my mother and tell her how I wanted to wear my hair. I guess you may be wondering why it took so long for me to do this. All I can say is if you have to ask then you don't know what it is to have controlling parents. You can't begin to fathom what it is to be under such tight control and scrutiny. Every independent decision outside of what my parents wanted was made with great trembling and sacrifice. My parents did not take disobedience kindly and any act of disobedience was met with intense cruelty and degradation...no matter my age.
Finally, I broke free from one of the chains that bound me. I cut off all the permed hair and I wore my hair braided for a few years. A week before my 40th birthday I felt a strong urge to begin twisting my hair. I always knew I was going to lock my hair one day, but wasn't sure when. The day had come and I gave into the call. I wore my hair locked for 9 years. I loved my hair. The first time I looked in the mirror and saw my locks in their full light I knew I had finally seen the vision of myself that I saw so many years ago. For once, I stood in front of my mirror and smiled.
During the ninth year of my locks a terrible thing happened. My eczema took a turn for the worse spreading over most of my body including my scalp. Having no insurance at the time, I fought with all I had to remedy my skin, paying cash for doctor appointments to get prescriptions for topical ointments. I also used tea tree oil and soap (natural anti-fungal), a probiotic and diphenhydramine to help with itching. There was little I could do to and save my hair. My skin is much better, but my hair was lost. Locks fell daily, one sometimes two at a time. There was nothing I could do to save them. Each fallen lock was mourned and put away.
It's been about a year since loosing the first lock. I stood in front of my mirror looking at the few remaining locks and thought to myself...why are you hiding? I've spent the last year trying to hold on to something that cannot stay. All I could see was massive loss. My identity...my beauty...my independence...my strength and everything else my locks represented was gone. I've been stripped. There's no where else to hide.
About a month ago I cut off my remaining locks and placed them in a bag where all fallen locks are kept. I stood there squeezing the bag close to my chest, making peace with my decision. It is time for me to face myself. This time in my most natural state. My prayers were being answered, though I had not realized it yet.
I Am As I Am
One more look in the mirror.
There I stand.
Hair shorter than ever.
I began to cry,
Only this time it wasn't tears of sadness,
But tears of joy and relief.
I am free, I said.
No more hiding.
I no longer need my locks to be my identity.
Nor do I need my locks to be,
My strength, my beauty,
Or proclamation of indoctrination of my mind and spirit.
I am just as I am,
And ought to be.
For the first time I see me.
I am budding and soon will be in full bloom.
My inner light fills the room.
I lean forward taking a closer look.
I am just as I am,
As I ought to be.
And I'm loving everything I see.
For the first time,
With my own eyes,
I can see me.
It took some time before I realized that I did not know myself or see myself as ought to. I only saw what my parents taught me to see. I saw a life not worth living beyond the service I provided. I put all others before myself, fulfilling their needs...my sole priority. I saw ability that would never be recognized and a thirst that would never be quenched. Deprivation was my reward and pain my only inheritance.
It's also very difficult to see yourself when you are not allowed to make even the most simple decisions for yourself. Hair was one of those things that seemed to be more of an issue than need be.
I used to sit in front of my mirror every evening and cry. My hair was always the same. Two or three ponytails with huge ribbons or bows that matched my outfit. This is how I looked everyday. I hated it and I hated my mother for making me look like this.
When I closed my eyes I could see myself with very long hair, but the hair looked strange to me. It looked like braids but it wasn't braided. I didn't know what locks were and had no idea that was the hairstyle I envisioned. I would also see myself with huge hair, wild and curly...unruly. I loved seeing myself like that. Then I'd open my eyes again to see what was still my reality and I retreated further into myself.
One day, I asked my mom if I could wear my hair braided. Absolutely not, she said. I asked, why? Mom turned to me as if to give a life lesson. She said, wearing your hair natural will only make you look ignorant. You must straighten your hair so people will think of you as intelligent. My heart sank and so did my head as I slowly walked back to my room to sit in front of my mirror and cry. I've never forgotten her words.
It would not be until I was in my mid 30s that I would be able to stand up to my mother and tell her how I wanted to wear my hair. I guess you may be wondering why it took so long for me to do this. All I can say is if you have to ask then you don't know what it is to have controlling parents. You can't begin to fathom what it is to be under such tight control and scrutiny. Every independent decision outside of what my parents wanted was made with great trembling and sacrifice. My parents did not take disobedience kindly and any act of disobedience was met with intense cruelty and degradation...no matter my age.
Finally, I broke free from one of the chains that bound me. I cut off all the permed hair and I wore my hair braided for a few years. A week before my 40th birthday I felt a strong urge to begin twisting my hair. I always knew I was going to lock my hair one day, but wasn't sure when. The day had come and I gave into the call. I wore my hair locked for 9 years. I loved my hair. The first time I looked in the mirror and saw my locks in their full light I knew I had finally seen the vision of myself that I saw so many years ago. For once, I stood in front of my mirror and smiled.
During the ninth year of my locks a terrible thing happened. My eczema took a turn for the worse spreading over most of my body including my scalp. Having no insurance at the time, I fought with all I had to remedy my skin, paying cash for doctor appointments to get prescriptions for topical ointments. I also used tea tree oil and soap (natural anti-fungal), a probiotic and diphenhydramine to help with itching. There was little I could do to and save my hair. My skin is much better, but my hair was lost. Locks fell daily, one sometimes two at a time. There was nothing I could do to save them. Each fallen lock was mourned and put away.
It's been about a year since loosing the first lock. I stood in front of my mirror looking at the few remaining locks and thought to myself...why are you hiding? I've spent the last year trying to hold on to something that cannot stay. All I could see was massive loss. My identity...my beauty...my independence...my strength and everything else my locks represented was gone. I've been stripped. There's no where else to hide.
About a month ago I cut off my remaining locks and placed them in a bag where all fallen locks are kept. I stood there squeezing the bag close to my chest, making peace with my decision. It is time for me to face myself. This time in my most natural state. My prayers were being answered, though I had not realized it yet.
I Am As I Am
One more look in the mirror.
There I stand.
Hair shorter than ever.
I began to cry,
Only this time it wasn't tears of sadness,
But tears of joy and relief.
I am free, I said.
No more hiding.
I no longer need my locks to be my identity.
Nor do I need my locks to be,
My strength, my beauty,
Or proclamation of indoctrination of my mind and spirit.
I am just as I am,
And ought to be.
For the first time I see me.
I am budding and soon will be in full bloom.
My inner light fills the room.
I lean forward taking a closer look.
I am just as I am,
As I ought to be.
And I'm loving everything I see.
For the first time,
With my own eyes,
I can see me.
Monday, July 7, 2014
July 7, 2014
Greetings everyone! I hope you all had a lovely break over the weeks end.
I've been thinking about you all quite a bit. I don't know your stories or even if many of you have experienced some sort of eating disorder or even addition. Whatever your story, I hope that you are well. I hope that I have been able to share something meaningful to you. And I totally understand if you don't wish to share your thoughts here. Having any kind of addiction or ED can be very difficult to talk about.
I've been talking to people around ED a lot lately, more so than ever before. I guess the main thing is my desire to encourage them to try healthier measures for dealing with pain. As I talk with other people, I find that my mind continues to explore all the facets of the roots to this long-term problem of mine. At first I found it a bit redundant to continue revisiting past questions, that is...until it started paying off. I've discovered there are many layers to how and why my ED developed. Layers that I did not recognize before, but make so much sense. Filling in the gaps, I believe is what I'd call it.
In earlier posts, I wrote about the beginning of the development of my NES desperately needing to be comforted by something that seemingly would not hurt me as I had fallen into a world filled with hurt and shame...a world without escape.
I discovered another thing about myself. I needed to feel some sense of control. I had not control over any aspect of my life including my own emotions, but I could control my eating during the day and relished the planning of eating at night. Does this sound familiar to any of you? In addition to the need to have some sort of control I also had a strong desire to be heard, to be recognized, to be seen as human. I wanted my parents to see me hurt myself. I wanted to show them see how much I hated what they wanted of me. I did everything to destroy the perfection they sought. Then too, maybe they'd feel sorry for me and feel something for me other than hate, but they didn't. How could they? What I was doing was fueling their fire. I made them hate me even more for my rebellion against their desires. Even still, I thought my parents would have some measure of sympathy for me if the pain were self inflicted. Instead they just let it happen. There was probably some measure of satisfaction watching me starve myself in the interest of loosing weight. No wonder their outrage when I stepped on a scale to find that I had gained weight instead.
I try not to dwell on my situation too much. I'm not trying to draw negativity or be depressed. What I hope for is to be able to see the bigger picture. I need to confront all of my demons. As I've said before and will continue to say...The recovery process required more than simply addressing the undesired behaviors it required digging deep and find the root cause for the behaviors. That is when the healing begins.
So I guess the question is... What have I done with my new found self discovery? Well, what I have done so far is to recognize that I need to find healthier ways to cope with my pain. Writing this blog is certainly one of them, but I believe that I need a few more healthy options. Also, this new discovery of self had lead to me assessing my relationships and why they exhaust me. I'm exhausted by my relationships because I was fulfilling a need to be heard on a level that I could manage. I'd even go so far as to say that I played a roll that was conducive to my need to be needed. And the biggest part of that fulfillment was to stand on my soap box and command my audience. How lame is that?
My need to be heard and my need to be needed was my new way of self soothing. All the while, I was still binging and starving, but my physical needs were no longer noticeable. It was my emotional need that took precedence. Perhaps that is why denial of the physical element of my ED came so easy.
I am proud to say that I am no longer the pompous blowhard and self proclaimed therapist that I was. My relationships are different. I will admit, I've lost some friends along the way, but it's okay. Those relationships were poison. For the few who stayed and the new arrivals, I try my best to be a much better friend. I strive to be a better listener, but not one who hones in on others problems, just to listen, simply for the sake of listening because we all have a right to be heard. I speak more, not to offer advice, but to share life experience and to encourage. I am working on not judging those who's opinions are different from mine. I seek healthy exchanged...give and take. Friendships should never be one-sided. I'd like to post more on the subject of friendships/relationship. Do you think that would be something you'd be interested in reading about?
There may be times that we find ourselves wanting to pull away from those we see as negative or at least contributors to our negativity only to find that we land in the lap of another who is equally or even more negative than the last. Perhaps it is not recognizable because it's a different kind of negative. Doesn't matter, a negative is a negative and it all feels the same.
My eating has been pretty good. I won't say that I've been very timely during my daytime eating, but I am eating healthy, whole meals in appropriate portions. I am back to eating a pre-measured night time snack each night. There are some nights that I really want to eat more and sometimes I do, but it's not out of control like it once was. I am completely aware of my actions. I am a work in progress, but I am making improvements.
Also, I continue to feel better about myself. I continue wanting to embrace myself and see myself with my own eyes which is working for me. I am able to stand up for myself better. I can voice when something makes me feel uncomfortable. I've noticed that a few of my longtime friends don't like the recent changes in me. These are the friends that are accustomed to feeding into my need to be needed as well as feeding their need to be heard. They're fighting to reclaim center stage and they may have it, just not with me. It feels good to be freed from another chain that binds. It feels real good...
I've been thinking about you all quite a bit. I don't know your stories or even if many of you have experienced some sort of eating disorder or even addition. Whatever your story, I hope that you are well. I hope that I have been able to share something meaningful to you. And I totally understand if you don't wish to share your thoughts here. Having any kind of addiction or ED can be very difficult to talk about.
I've been talking to people around ED a lot lately, more so than ever before. I guess the main thing is my desire to encourage them to try healthier measures for dealing with pain. As I talk with other people, I find that my mind continues to explore all the facets of the roots to this long-term problem of mine. At first I found it a bit redundant to continue revisiting past questions, that is...until it started paying off. I've discovered there are many layers to how and why my ED developed. Layers that I did not recognize before, but make so much sense. Filling in the gaps, I believe is what I'd call it.
In earlier posts, I wrote about the beginning of the development of my NES desperately needing to be comforted by something that seemingly would not hurt me as I had fallen into a world filled with hurt and shame...a world without escape.
I discovered another thing about myself. I needed to feel some sense of control. I had not control over any aspect of my life including my own emotions, but I could control my eating during the day and relished the planning of eating at night. Does this sound familiar to any of you? In addition to the need to have some sort of control I also had a strong desire to be heard, to be recognized, to be seen as human. I wanted my parents to see me hurt myself. I wanted to show them see how much I hated what they wanted of me. I did everything to destroy the perfection they sought. Then too, maybe they'd feel sorry for me and feel something for me other than hate, but they didn't. How could they? What I was doing was fueling their fire. I made them hate me even more for my rebellion against their desires. Even still, I thought my parents would have some measure of sympathy for me if the pain were self inflicted. Instead they just let it happen. There was probably some measure of satisfaction watching me starve myself in the interest of loosing weight. No wonder their outrage when I stepped on a scale to find that I had gained weight instead.
I try not to dwell on my situation too much. I'm not trying to draw negativity or be depressed. What I hope for is to be able to see the bigger picture. I need to confront all of my demons. As I've said before and will continue to say...The recovery process required more than simply addressing the undesired behaviors it required digging deep and find the root cause for the behaviors. That is when the healing begins.
So I guess the question is... What have I done with my new found self discovery? Well, what I have done so far is to recognize that I need to find healthier ways to cope with my pain. Writing this blog is certainly one of them, but I believe that I need a few more healthy options. Also, this new discovery of self had lead to me assessing my relationships and why they exhaust me. I'm exhausted by my relationships because I was fulfilling a need to be heard on a level that I could manage. I'd even go so far as to say that I played a roll that was conducive to my need to be needed. And the biggest part of that fulfillment was to stand on my soap box and command my audience. How lame is that?
My need to be heard and my need to be needed was my new way of self soothing. All the while, I was still binging and starving, but my physical needs were no longer noticeable. It was my emotional need that took precedence. Perhaps that is why denial of the physical element of my ED came so easy.
I am proud to say that I am no longer the pompous blowhard and self proclaimed therapist that I was. My relationships are different. I will admit, I've lost some friends along the way, but it's okay. Those relationships were poison. For the few who stayed and the new arrivals, I try my best to be a much better friend. I strive to be a better listener, but not one who hones in on others problems, just to listen, simply for the sake of listening because we all have a right to be heard. I speak more, not to offer advice, but to share life experience and to encourage. I am working on not judging those who's opinions are different from mine. I seek healthy exchanged...give and take. Friendships should never be one-sided. I'd like to post more on the subject of friendships/relationship. Do you think that would be something you'd be interested in reading about?
There may be times that we find ourselves wanting to pull away from those we see as negative or at least contributors to our negativity only to find that we land in the lap of another who is equally or even more negative than the last. Perhaps it is not recognizable because it's a different kind of negative. Doesn't matter, a negative is a negative and it all feels the same.
My eating has been pretty good. I won't say that I've been very timely during my daytime eating, but I am eating healthy, whole meals in appropriate portions. I am back to eating a pre-measured night time snack each night. There are some nights that I really want to eat more and sometimes I do, but it's not out of control like it once was. I am completely aware of my actions. I am a work in progress, but I am making improvements.
Also, I continue to feel better about myself. I continue wanting to embrace myself and see myself with my own eyes which is working for me. I am able to stand up for myself better. I can voice when something makes me feel uncomfortable. I've noticed that a few of my longtime friends don't like the recent changes in me. These are the friends that are accustomed to feeding into my need to be needed as well as feeding their need to be heard. They're fighting to reclaim center stage and they may have it, just not with me. It feels good to be freed from another chain that binds. It feels real good...
Saturday, April 26, 2014
I Have a Right to Feel Good - April 26, 2014
I had a very interesting conversation with my cousin today. We're both about the same age. We have our health issues, eating issues and abusive pasts, but we are not equal when it comes to the journey towards wellness.
I was looking at myself in the mirror while talking to my cousin and glanced up to read the words that I taped there several weeks ago...you remember the words...'When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard'. I'm still committed to working to love myself. It has been hard. There are days when I don't even like myself. On those days when it's hard to love myself or even like myself, I accept what I am feeling at the time because it is only temporary and I know it will get better. My dislike for myself is a product of my past...the vision of myself through my parents eyes. It's time I see myself through my own eyes. I did not come into existence disliking myself. I came into life filled with love, a love that was soon taken from me by the hands of those who were supposed to love and protect me.
Back to the conversation with my cousin. As she talked I began thinking about the words I just read and what they mean to me. It hit me, I've really come a long way in a very short period of time. It's amazing how one can change negative thought patters into something more positive. Feeling good about the healing that has taken place and looking forward to receiving more healing, I blurted out, 'I feel good today!' Before I could help myself I also blurted, while smiling really big, 'And I feel kind of cute too!' Before I could inhale, my cousin began her negative stent. She went on and on about how she was not cute and how she wished she could feel cute and so on... I'm telling you...when an epiphany moment comes, it comes real hard. I was constantly surrounded by negativity on all sides, my parents, my cousin who witnessed much of my abuse, extended family, friends and my broken heart. It's no wonder that I fell out of love with myself. It's no wonder that I felt guilty for thinking anything positive about myself.
"I've had enough of hearing your stinking thinking!" That's what I said to her. I actually stood up for myself. I told her that I had the right to feel good about myself without being dragged into her pity party. It's not fair. She's never celebrated any of the few times that I've felt good about myself. As a matter of fact of those rare occasion I can only remember seeing her tears as if I were not allowed to be pretty...sound familiar? My dad did not allow people to tell me I was pretty. Interesting...Wow! That was a first for me. As I said...I've come a long way in a very short period of time. I never thought that I would feel the way I feel today. I REFUSED to feel guilty for feeling good about myself and I said it out loud for the first time in my life.
It never dawned on me that there were others who contributed to my state beyond my parents. It wasn't just the negativity of my situation. Negativity was the common thread between me and all who were closest to me. We fed off of each other.
Next time you look into a mirror or maybe before you look into a mirror try to remember what your state of mind was like before the damage settled in...if you can. Remember, were not born to hate ourselves or anyone...hate, dysfunction, discord, misery, all of that is learned behavior and borrowed emotions. Give that crap back!! Press reset and start a new.
I was looking at myself in the mirror while talking to my cousin and glanced up to read the words that I taped there several weeks ago...you remember the words...'When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard'. I'm still committed to working to love myself. It has been hard. There are days when I don't even like myself. On those days when it's hard to love myself or even like myself, I accept what I am feeling at the time because it is only temporary and I know it will get better. My dislike for myself is a product of my past...the vision of myself through my parents eyes. It's time I see myself through my own eyes. I did not come into existence disliking myself. I came into life filled with love, a love that was soon taken from me by the hands of those who were supposed to love and protect me.
Back to the conversation with my cousin. As she talked I began thinking about the words I just read and what they mean to me. It hit me, I've really come a long way in a very short period of time. It's amazing how one can change negative thought patters into something more positive. Feeling good about the healing that has taken place and looking forward to receiving more healing, I blurted out, 'I feel good today!' Before I could help myself I also blurted, while smiling really big, 'And I feel kind of cute too!' Before I could inhale, my cousin began her negative stent. She went on and on about how she was not cute and how she wished she could feel cute and so on... I'm telling you...when an epiphany moment comes, it comes real hard. I was constantly surrounded by negativity on all sides, my parents, my cousin who witnessed much of my abuse, extended family, friends and my broken heart. It's no wonder that I fell out of love with myself. It's no wonder that I felt guilty for thinking anything positive about myself.
"I've had enough of hearing your stinking thinking!" That's what I said to her. I actually stood up for myself. I told her that I had the right to feel good about myself without being dragged into her pity party. It's not fair. She's never celebrated any of the few times that I've felt good about myself. As a matter of fact of those rare occasion I can only remember seeing her tears as if I were not allowed to be pretty...sound familiar? My dad did not allow people to tell me I was pretty. Interesting...Wow! That was a first for me. As I said...I've come a long way in a very short period of time. I never thought that I would feel the way I feel today. I REFUSED to feel guilty for feeling good about myself and I said it out loud for the first time in my life.
It never dawned on me that there were others who contributed to my state beyond my parents. It wasn't just the negativity of my situation. Negativity was the common thread between me and all who were closest to me. We fed off of each other.
Next time you look into a mirror or maybe before you look into a mirror try to remember what your state of mind was like before the damage settled in...if you can. Remember, were not born to hate ourselves or anyone...hate, dysfunction, discord, misery, all of that is learned behavior and borrowed emotions. Give that crap back!! Press reset and start a new.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Painful Image
I've been trying to write this post
for two days. The subjects of body image and self-image are touchy subjects for
me. I'm not one who likes to think of my image. I'd much rather hide in
the shadows or blend in with the background.
That being said, I'm still not sure
where to begin nor do I know where it will end. I must have started and deleted
this post two or three times and I'm still struggling. I sure do use the word
struggle a lot. Crap! This is complicated. Anyway, here it goes...How does one begin to describe themselves? Which vantage point is better? As they say, there are two sides to a coin. Both sides are different, yet work in unison to create one complete coin. So, what happens when both sides are so different that they don't make a concise unit? In other words, what happens when one's body image does not match one's self-image?
What's the difference between body image and self-image anyway?
BODY IMAGE
A subjective picture of one's own physical appearance established both by self-observation and by noting the reactions of others.
SELF IMAGE
The idea, conception, or mental image one has of oneself.
In my personal opinion, I believe we
all come into existence with a clear idea of who we are and what we are
meant to look like. A prime example of this is a person who
feels they were born the wrong sex. They recognize this at a very early
age. Clearly they have an understanding of who they are, but when they look in
the mirror they don't see themselves. Instead they see someone else. They know
what they see is real, but it's not right.
My situation is different,
but similar. It is not a question of identity by sex. I was born a female
and know that I am supposed to be female, however, there is and always has been
an image in my mind as to who I am and what I should look
like. I have yet to see that image in the mirror. Therefore, I've
never felt that I was fully myself. I'm more of a creation, pieced
together by circumstance which making me a bit of a Frankenstein. I
can't help but think of a small excerpt from one of my poems. It all makes
sense now.
Look at it!
Hideous,
monstrous…grotesque,
A real life Frankenstein.
A real life Frankenstein.
People will run and
scream.
This is how I feel and at times
that was my experience.
The image of me that lives in
my mind is beautiful. I'm tall and voluptuous with long locks and
flawless skin. I have a peaceful expression and a wealth of love that radiates
from me. When I look into a mirror...I see a body ravaged by pain, patchy skin
color, dim eyes, massive girth serving as a wall to keep people away, but also
doubling as an ill fitted band aid. A poor attempt to cover my wounds.
I see a void, a huge nothing. I feel nothing for myself. It is the effects of abuse that molds me and makes my image askew.
I grow angry when I think of what I perceive as should have been, as opposed to what is. I grow even angrier when I think of all that I could have been or at least have tried, but didn't because I had no support nor did I have anything left after warding off my parent's evil. Life is but a mist. I don't know how long life will be for me. I want to make the best of the time I have left. I grow weary thinking of how much time has passed and how much of that time has been wasted on survival. I haven't even begun to really live yet. I’m so very tired...
Enough with my image issues for now. I'm going to focus a little more energy on my letter to self. By the way, it's coming along well. I'm not in a place where I feel comfortable sharing the content of my letter, but I will keep you abreast of the progress and any epiphanies that come of it.
I will share this much with you today. While I was working on the letter yesterday, I began asking myself questions. I asked a particular question and answered it immediately. Only thing, it wasn't my 48 year old self that answered. It was me at the age of 4 year who spoke up. That was totally unexpected and shook me completely. I'd never heard the voice of my 4 year old self before. It wasn't an actual voice, but an internal voice. She wants to be heard...so I'm going to listen and write.
Dear God, please be with me, that I be able to withstand what I am about to endure. I've never had an experience like this before. I know that I've been trying to get inside myself and here I am. I am ready, but I am also afraid.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
April 12, 2014
It’s Saturday afternoon. The weather is perfect, 80 degrees, blue skies
and low humidity. I'm feeling pretty good today. I've been eating well over the
past few days, sticking close to my eating schedule. I didn't eat
breakfast today. Nothing's wrong, I woke up early waiting for the lawn people
to come. While waiting I fell asleep and did not wake up again until after
noon. I'm okay about that.
Lunch was eggs and cheese with a cup of water. Snack time was around 5pm. I ate a can of pears in extra light syrup. Dinner was a little late, right at 8pm. I ate a few pieces of smoked turkey sausage and a serving of steamed potatoes with onions and peas.
Yesterday, I stood in front of the hall mirror and took a good look at myself, a rare occurrence. My clothes looked loose on my body, but I'm still huge. I can't tell where any weight, if any, has been lost. Weight loss is not one of my current goals. Not just yet. I'm still trying to work out eating as I should during the day while keeping a close eye on night time eating behaviors. So far, so good. I could get on the scale, but I'm not quite ready for that. Maybe I should...then again maybe not...
If only it were as easy as just eating right or exercising enough or even having a healthy self-image, but it's not. There are too many layers. With every turn or epiphany there's another layer revealed. It's never ending. Am I frustrated? No, but I am intrigued. I think I'm starting to see why things of this nature can take so long and take so much effort. I never knew healing was so complex. However, on the other hand, I welcome the complexities because I'm learning a lot about myself, my abilities, and my strengths. I'm seeing my own process step-by-step as I write it out in this blog. My ability to reason things out is one of my strengths. It’s my most valuable coping mechanism aside from disassociation.
I'm thinking about doing a post on self-image. Inspiration comes from the video that I posted yesterday. I hope you guys enjoyed. I found it to be profound, a simple concept that changes lives…how ingenious. Believe it or not, I'm also still looking for inspiration as I begin working on my letter to self. One thing did come to mind. If I'm not yet able to communicate with the child self, perhaps I should approach communicating with my adult self, ultimately working my way back in time. That's doable. It will be easier this way, because I am learning to love and appreciate myself in the now so that I can feel love and compassion for myself in the past. Makes sense? Moving forward...
So what did you guys think about yesterday's post? I know it's an advertisement, but beyond that it was an inspired and inspirational concept. Seeing one's self as beautiful is simply a state of mind. Brilliant! If you did not take time to watch the video, please do and share it also. I think more women need to understand that we have to learn, even be inspired to see our own beauty. The beauty is there, even though we can't see it. Seeing our own beauty is not something that comes naturally, because we've more than likely not been around women who've projected healthy self-images. Most of our self-image issues are learned behavior. As you can see from the video, learned behavior can be undone, it's just a matter of how.
It's getting late and I'm going to watch a little tv. Tomorrow I'll continue working on my letter to self and processing my thoughts on self-image.
Lunch was eggs and cheese with a cup of water. Snack time was around 5pm. I ate a can of pears in extra light syrup. Dinner was a little late, right at 8pm. I ate a few pieces of smoked turkey sausage and a serving of steamed potatoes with onions and peas.
Yesterday, I stood in front of the hall mirror and took a good look at myself, a rare occurrence. My clothes looked loose on my body, but I'm still huge. I can't tell where any weight, if any, has been lost. Weight loss is not one of my current goals. Not just yet. I'm still trying to work out eating as I should during the day while keeping a close eye on night time eating behaviors. So far, so good. I could get on the scale, but I'm not quite ready for that. Maybe I should...then again maybe not...
If only it were as easy as just eating right or exercising enough or even having a healthy self-image, but it's not. There are too many layers. With every turn or epiphany there's another layer revealed. It's never ending. Am I frustrated? No, but I am intrigued. I think I'm starting to see why things of this nature can take so long and take so much effort. I never knew healing was so complex. However, on the other hand, I welcome the complexities because I'm learning a lot about myself, my abilities, and my strengths. I'm seeing my own process step-by-step as I write it out in this blog. My ability to reason things out is one of my strengths. It’s my most valuable coping mechanism aside from disassociation.
I'm thinking about doing a post on self-image. Inspiration comes from the video that I posted yesterday. I hope you guys enjoyed. I found it to be profound, a simple concept that changes lives…how ingenious. Believe it or not, I'm also still looking for inspiration as I begin working on my letter to self. One thing did come to mind. If I'm not yet able to communicate with the child self, perhaps I should approach communicating with my adult self, ultimately working my way back in time. That's doable. It will be easier this way, because I am learning to love and appreciate myself in the now so that I can feel love and compassion for myself in the past. Makes sense? Moving forward...
So what did you guys think about yesterday's post? I know it's an advertisement, but beyond that it was an inspired and inspirational concept. Seeing one's self as beautiful is simply a state of mind. Brilliant! If you did not take time to watch the video, please do and share it also. I think more women need to understand that we have to learn, even be inspired to see our own beauty. The beauty is there, even though we can't see it. Seeing our own beauty is not something that comes naturally, because we've more than likely not been around women who've projected healthy self-images. Most of our self-image issues are learned behavior. As you can see from the video, learned behavior can be undone, it's just a matter of how.
It's getting late and I'm going to watch a little tv. Tomorrow I'll continue working on my letter to self and processing my thoughts on self-image.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Investigating Commitment - March 24, 2014
Tomorrow is our first month anniversary. I promise not to go crazy and talk about anniversaries every month. Our next major milestone will be at 6 months and then 1 year. I still can't believe its been a month already, feels like it's only been a few days. In essence, it has only been a few days, I guess. Nonetheless, this is a major deal.
Clearly I've had and still do have commitment issues with blogging, exercising and other healthy habits. I don't seem to have any trouble committing to wanting a healthier existence or figuring out how to live a healthier existence. Where my difficulty lies is committing to some of the steps it takes to achieve a healthier existence. There's a huge difference between the two. Does that make sense? It seems kind of weird to me, albeit a fact.
I'm going to take a closer look at this thing called commitment. Its no secret that I am in awe of people who are able to overcome insurmountable odds. I wonder what it's like to have the level of commitment it takes to achieve such extraordinary goals. How do they do that? What is the thing that propels them towards success? And why can't I manage to hold onto the inspiration received from hearing their stories?
The best course to take on this leg of my journey is to begin with the definition of that which is the "stuff" of inspirational motivation...commitment. Here are a couple definitions.
The first definition for commitment is functional enough, but rather boring. I'd much prefer to use the second definition found in Urban Dictionary, and it reads:
1.
Clearly I've had and still do have commitment issues with blogging, exercising and other healthy habits. I don't seem to have any trouble committing to wanting a healthier existence or figuring out how to live a healthier existence. Where my difficulty lies is committing to some of the steps it takes to achieve a healthier existence. There's a huge difference between the two. Does that make sense? It seems kind of weird to me, albeit a fact.
I'm going to take a closer look at this thing called commitment. Its no secret that I am in awe of people who are able to overcome insurmountable odds. I wonder what it's like to have the level of commitment it takes to achieve such extraordinary goals. How do they do that? What is the thing that propels them towards success? And why can't I manage to hold onto the inspiration received from hearing their stories?
The best course to take on this leg of my journey is to begin with the definition of that which is the "stuff" of inspirational motivation...commitment. Here are a couple definitions.
com·mit·ment
kəˈmitmənt/
noun
noun: commitment; plural noun: commitments
- 1.the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc."the company's commitment to quality"
synonyms: dedication, devotion, allegiance, loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity
1.
Commitment is what
Transforms the promise into reality.
It is the words that speak
Boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak
Louder than the words.
It is making the time
When there is none.
Coming through time
After time after time,
Year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff
Character is made of;
The power to change
The face of things.
It is the daily triumph
Of integrity over skepticism.
Transforms the promise into reality.
It is the words that speak
Boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak
Louder than the words.
It is making the time
When there is none.
Coming through time
After time after time,
Year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff
Character is made of;
The power to change
The face of things.
It is the daily triumph
Of integrity over skepticism.
When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard.
by Ashbash January 13, 2005
This is the very thing that I want to achieve...the ability to commit to that which will helps facilitate mental, physical and spiritual healing...CHANGE!
Today I ate breakfast at 11:38am. I had a small portion of leftover rice with chicken, tomatoes and okra with a cup of water. Since I ate breakfast late, I had a snack at 3:47pm. I ate turkey ham, cheese and crackers with a cup of water. I also shared the cinnamon bun with my son this afternoon, right after snack. For Dinner I had the remainder of leftover rice, chicken and veggies with 4 fresh salmon fritters and water. For my late night snack I will have a small bowl of raisin bran cereal and milk.
Tomorrow I will resume taking 5 minutes to exercise.
"I have hope for a healthier tomorrow because I know the rest of my life begins today."
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