I Have a Right to Feel Good - April 26, 2014

I had a very interesting conversation with my cousin today. We're both about the same age. We have our health issues, eating issues and abusive pasts, but we are not equal when it comes to the journey towards wellness.


I was looking at myself in the mirror while talking to my cousin and glanced up to read the words that I taped there several weeks ago...you remember the words...'When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard'. I'm still committed to working to love myself. It has been hard. There are days when I don't even like myself. On those days when it's hard to love myself or even like myself, I accept what I am feeling at the time because it is only temporary and I know it will get better. My dislike for myself is a product of my past...the vision of myself through my parents eyes. It's time I see myself through my own eyes. I did not come into existence disliking myself. I came into life filled with love, a love that was soon taken from me by the hands of those who were supposed to love and protect me.


Back to the conversation with my cousin. As she talked I began thinking about the words I just read and what they mean to me. It hit me, I've really come a long way in a very short period of time. It's amazing how one can change negative thought patters into something more positive. Feeling good about the healing that has taken place and looking forward to receiving more healing, I blurted out, 'I feel good today!' Before I could help myself I also blurted, while smiling really big, 'And I feel kind of cute too!' Before I could inhale, my cousin began her negative stent. She went on and on about how she was not cute and how she wished she could feel cute and so on... I'm telling you...when an epiphany moment comes, it comes real hard. I was constantly surrounded by negativity on all sides, my parents, my cousin who witnessed much of my abuse, extended family, friends and my broken heart. It's no wonder that I fell out of love with myself. It's no wonder that I felt guilty for thinking anything positive about myself.


"I've had enough of hearing your stinking thinking!" That's what I said to her. I actually stood up for myself. I told her that I had the right to feel good about myself without being dragged into her pity party. It's not fair. She's never celebrated any of the few times that I've felt good about myself. As a matter of fact of those rare occasion I can only remember seeing her tears as if I were not allowed to be pretty...sound familiar? My dad did not allow people to tell me I was pretty. Interesting...Wow! That was a first for me. As I said...I've come a long way in a very short period of time. I never thought that I would feel the way I feel today. I REFUSED to feel guilty for feeling good about myself and I said it out loud for the first time in my life.


It  never dawned on me that there were others who contributed to my state beyond my parents. It wasn't just the negativity of my situation. Negativity was the common thread between me and all who were closest to me. We fed off of each other.


Next time you look into a mirror or maybe before you look into a mirror try to remember what your state of mind was like before the damage settled in...if you can. Remember, were not born to hate ourselves or anyone...hate, dysfunction, discord, misery, all of that is learned behavior and borrowed emotions. Give that crap back!! Press reset and start a new. 

March 10, 2014

It's Monday. All business issues have come to a head. One by one things are getting done. Please God let this wave of misfortune end soon. And I thank you for the good fortune of providing solutions to all my problems.


I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just getting there, that's the hard part. My hands are trembling. I've been carrying an open pack of peanut butter crackers around for the last hour and a half. The phone's ringing off the hook. Constant jumping from circumstance to circumstance. I'm not built for this. My stomach is in knots and my head is beginning to hurt. Anxiety level's rising.


I ate my peanut butter crackers around noon. I did not remember to get water. There wasn't enough time to eat lunch before therapy and dinner was something from McDonalds. I finished eating at 6:27pm. I'm happy to report that I didn't buy anything extra this time. Instead I will prepare a healthy snack of peanut butter and apples for late night.


So much has been going on today. Thank goodness I had a therapy appointment. I managed to eek out enough time to jot down a few items for discussion and highlights of progress I've made. I've been working very hard on myself and am eager to talk about the revelations and epiphanies. That may seem strange considering I've been having so many ups and downs this week. There is much more going on than the day-to-day trials of business and food intake issues.


I'm feeling calm and centered after a thorough purging at therapy. My eating was off today and still I experienced a physical hunger sensation at 3:47pm. Despite my being off, my body continues cueing me to eat. That is a very good sign. Slowly but surely things are getting better, even on off days. All in all today has been a good and productive day. It started off a bit shaky, but got much better as time went on.


Sometimes I have to remind myself not to always see the worse case scenario when trouble comes my way. Note to self: Continue working on having the courage to face obstacles. Try hard to see problems as fixable. Use calming technics to center myself and ward off feelings of impending doom when stressors are developing. Continue working on ways to manage my stress and anxiety levels through positive thoughts and affirmations. Last but not least, continue increasing daytime caloric intake. That is a must.


I have not done any exercise yet. Originally I wanted to start a couple days ago exercising 10-15 minutes per day. That's okay. To get myself started...wait...let me re-frame that. To keep my word, my promise to myself I will do at least 5 minutes exercise tonight. This will be part of my affirmation. That I am worthy of receiving and doing good things for myself. In order to foster a feeling of worthiness and self worth I will need to be better about keeping promises to myself. That begins tonight. I pray that one day soon, being good to myself won't be such a chore.


I'm tired, too tired to revisit memories tonight. Perhaps we can continue that discussions tomorrow. In the meantime take care, don't be too hard on yourself. Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to do better and be better.