I had a very interesting conversation with my cousin today. We're both about the same age. We have our health issues, eating issues and abusive pasts, but we are not equal when it comes to the journey towards wellness.
I was looking at myself in the mirror while talking to my cousin and glanced up to read the words that I taped there several weeks ago...you remember the words...'When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard'. I'm still committed to working to love myself. It has been hard. There are days when I don't even like myself. On those days when it's hard to love myself or even like myself, I accept what I am feeling at the time because it is only temporary and I know it will get better. My dislike for myself is a product of my past...the vision of myself through my parents eyes. It's time I see myself through my own eyes. I did not come into existence disliking myself. I came into life filled with love, a love that was soon taken from me by the hands of those who were supposed to love and protect me.
Back to the conversation with my cousin. As she talked I began thinking about the words I just read and what they mean to me. It hit me, I've really come a long way in a very short period of time. It's amazing how one can change negative thought patters into something more positive. Feeling good about the healing that has taken place and looking forward to receiving more healing, I blurted out, 'I feel good today!' Before I could help myself I also blurted, while smiling really big, 'And I feel kind of cute too!' Before I could inhale, my cousin began her negative stent. She went on and on about how she was not cute and how she wished she could feel cute and so on... I'm telling you...when an epiphany moment comes, it comes real hard. I was constantly surrounded by negativity on all sides, my parents, my cousin who witnessed much of my abuse, extended family, friends and my broken heart. It's no wonder that I fell out of love with myself. It's no wonder that I felt guilty for thinking anything positive about myself.
"I've had enough of hearing your stinking thinking!" That's what I said to her. I actually stood up for myself. I told her that I had the right to feel good about myself without being dragged into her pity party. It's not fair. She's never celebrated any of the few times that I've felt good about myself. As a matter of fact of those rare occasion I can only remember seeing her tears as if I were not allowed to be pretty...sound familiar? My dad did not allow people to tell me I was pretty. Interesting...Wow! That was a first for me. As I said...I've come a long way in a very short period of time. I never thought that I would feel the way I feel today. I REFUSED to feel guilty for feeling good about myself and I said it out loud for the first time in my life.
It never dawned on me that there were others who contributed to my state beyond my parents. It wasn't just the negativity of my situation. Negativity was the common thread between me and all who were closest to me. We fed off of each other.
Next time you look into a mirror or maybe before you look into a mirror try to remember what your state of mind was like before the damage settled in...if you can. Remember, were not born to hate ourselves or anyone...hate, dysfunction, discord, misery, all of that is learned behavior and borrowed emotions. Give that crap back!! Press reset and start a new.
I LOVE this!! WOW!! Good for you-good for her! She needs a healthy outlook too! I did something similar, the other day. My sister is going through a devorce, the things she says about him and her, are the same stories I've heard since childhood, just different named male characters. She was going on and on about how lucky I was to have a husband, but the flavor that was coming out of her mouth was one of sour hatred for my happiness, and extreme jealousy. This has always been her attitude toward life, jealousy and hatred. The attitude has caused me to have to defend myself and cater to her suffering alone..dismissing the troubles that I have gone through, because she has suffered 'so much more', or because 'she went through it first', thereby smoothing the way somehow for me. Somehow, I became a listener to her problems, with no one to tell my joys to- no one to share my successes with. In essence, I have trouble living in the happy moment, for fear it is not allowed or will be crushed by someone else's jealousy. I told her the other day, for the first time in my life-that it is ok for other people to be happy, even during her misery, that she needs to quit downing others happiness, and scoffing at the sweet things in life. It probably wont make a difference for her, but for me it has been a growing experience, and a way to see, how I have been hiding from my own happiness to protect her fragility, in our conversations...Alyce.
ReplyDeleteAlyce, my friend...I could not have said it better myself. What you have described is exactly what goes on between me and my cousin. I'm usually the one who listens to her talk endlessly about her sufferings. It seems to be a highlight in her life. She has become accustomed to receiving attention through suffering and she expects me to be part of her captive audience. I say Bravo to both of us for breaking another chain that bound us.
ReplyDeleteI know what you said to your sister may not catch on right now. What's most important is the fact that you have freed yourself from the guilt associated with feeling good and receiving good things. Onward and Upward my friend!!!! We are well on our way. I am so glad that we are taking this journey together. :-)
Me too!! Such similarities we share, it causes me to believe there must be a set of habits or thought patterns, that are shared by the majority of 'Thinking' Human beings, and that we may as a whole, be far more similar than we are different. This idea brings me a feeling of hope. To not be alone, awesome.
ReplyDeleteNo, my friend...you are not alone.
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