I've been trying to write this post
for two days. The subjects of body image and self-image are touchy subjects for
me. I'm not one who likes to think of my image. I'd much rather hide in
the shadows or blend in with the background.
That being said, I'm still not sure
where to begin nor do I know where it will end. I must have started and deleted
this post two or three times and I'm still struggling. I sure do use the word
struggle a lot. Crap! This is complicated. Anyway, here it goes...How does one begin to describe themselves? Which vantage point is better? As they say, there are two sides to a coin. Both sides are different, yet work in unison to create one complete coin. So, what happens when both sides are so different that they don't make a concise unit? In other words, what happens when one's body image does not match one's self-image?
What's the difference between body image and self-image anyway?
BODY IMAGE
A subjective picture of one's own physical appearance established both by self-observation and by noting the reactions of others.
SELF IMAGE
The idea, conception, or mental image one has of oneself.
In my personal opinion, I believe we
all come into existence with a clear idea of who we are and what we are
meant to look like. A prime example of this is a person who
feels they were born the wrong sex. They recognize this at a very early
age. Clearly they have an understanding of who they are, but when they look in
the mirror they don't see themselves. Instead they see someone else. They know
what they see is real, but it's not right.
My situation is different,
but similar. It is not a question of identity by sex. I was born a female
and know that I am supposed to be female, however, there is and always has been
an image in my mind as to who I am and what I should look
like. I have yet to see that image in the mirror. Therefore, I've
never felt that I was fully myself. I'm more of a creation, pieced
together by circumstance which making me a bit of a Frankenstein. I
can't help but think of a small excerpt from one of my poems. It all makes
sense now.
Look at it!
Hideous,
monstrous…grotesque,
A real life Frankenstein.
A real life Frankenstein.
People will run and
scream.
This is how I feel and at times
that was my experience.
The image of me that lives in
my mind is beautiful. I'm tall and voluptuous with long locks and
flawless skin. I have a peaceful expression and a wealth of love that radiates
from me. When I look into a mirror...I see a body ravaged by pain, patchy skin
color, dim eyes, massive girth serving as a wall to keep people away, but also
doubling as an ill fitted band aid. A poor attempt to cover my wounds.
I see a void, a huge nothing. I feel nothing for myself. It is the effects of abuse that molds me and makes my image askew.
I grow angry when I think of what I perceive as should have been, as opposed to what is. I grow even angrier when I think of all that I could have been or at least have tried, but didn't because I had no support nor did I have anything left after warding off my parent's evil. Life is but a mist. I don't know how long life will be for me. I want to make the best of the time I have left. I grow weary thinking of how much time has passed and how much of that time has been wasted on survival. I haven't even begun to really live yet. I’m so very tired...
Enough with my image issues for now. I'm going to focus a little more energy on my letter to self. By the way, it's coming along well. I'm not in a place where I feel comfortable sharing the content of my letter, but I will keep you abreast of the progress and any epiphanies that come of it.
I will share this much with you today. While I was working on the letter yesterday, I began asking myself questions. I asked a particular question and answered it immediately. Only thing, it wasn't my 48 year old self that answered. It was me at the age of 4 year who spoke up. That was totally unexpected and shook me completely. I'd never heard the voice of my 4 year old self before. It wasn't an actual voice, but an internal voice. She wants to be heard...so I'm going to listen and write.
Dear God, please be with me, that I be able to withstand what I am about to endure. I've never had an experience like this before. I know that I've been trying to get inside myself and here I am. I am ready, but I am also afraid.
It used to be that I always felt like 'The Hunch Back of Notre Dame' or Quasi Moto, or the Beast, on 'Beauty and the Beast'. There have been moments in my youth, when I felt like I looked like I should, with the proper makeup, clothes and lighting of course. Only after years and years of therapy, have I even been close to feeling Human, and accepted by 'society' as a Human. I wont go into detail, because I'd need my own blog to make my point. Being older has allowed my a freedom I've never known, a freedom not to care anymore about the voices in my head that tell me I'm a monster...I know it's a lie. I'm ok as I am, now, and I hope I never revisit those feelings of alienation ever again. For me, the magic age was 52. Maybe there's some connection to the decline of hormones, I truly don't know...Alyce.
ReplyDeleteSo there's hope afterall. For me, I just want to see my self-image come to life. the only part of that image that has been recognized is the long locks. Other than that, I'm still Frankenstein. I feel like my body is hidden beneath the layers of fat and I can't manage to dig it out, but the part inside of me that makes me who I am still does not feel as though it belongs here. I attribute that to the Asperger's. I've not felt connections to humans on that level even though I am pretty good at interpreting their behaviors. Do you feel that your self-image comes more from your past or from your Asperger's? I think mine is interwoven.
ReplyDeleteFinding out about the Aspergers had a way of pulling my life together, I BELONGED..at last, I was made this way ON PURPOSE, by design..I am ONE of a group of like individuals; Not an outsider to a group of strangers..A most amazing feeling. I do believe the Aspergers may have saved my life many times over-due to the fact that I have the ability to 'remove' myself from circumstances, and see all views...I could see why the adults were crazy, I understood the 'passing down' of the ball of crud, generation to generation-I could leave the emotions out of things when needed, in order to address the things that HAD to be addressed for survival..then, when alone, have my meltdown. 18 through 35 were the hard years, when the meltdowns came more often, and the hiding became more difficult, (important not to have a meltdown in front of the children) But my Husband was strong enough to get through them with me, or visa versa, that was odd, because it sort of 'allowed' them to come easier. Anyway, in essence, I think it's impossible to separate the life I lived from the 'who' that I was designed to be, but I do believe that abuse is abuse in any situation and unacceptable on any level- and anyone would thrive and feel better about who the are, if reared in a gentle environment...Alyce.
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way at first and still feel as thought I belonged, but disappointment settled in when I discovered not all aspies are nice. Some have a downright elites attitude which I find disheartening. It took me a little while to get over it. Feeling better about the diversity within the Asperger's community. Other than that, I am thankful for my aspieness. I really believe being an aspie saved me from certain madness. My ability to logically dissect events and my acute awareness help me to reason and see my way through many harsh times. I'm glad to be an aspie. I love my innocents and happy go lucky way of thinking about most things. Yes I do see and acknowledge the dark things in my life, but they will not steal the smile from my face or the song that I carry in my heart.
ReplyDeleteI have yet to meet any icky Aspies, I have been lucky in that respect. The on-line community is vast, I suppose it is inevitable that I will meet a jerk at some point! I think I will just move along if that happens, I am not much of one for confrontation because I get a feeling of fear, and disappear from people.
ReplyDeleteI for one was astonished and gravely disappointed. I don't mind confrontation especially when I feel that I am fighting for a good cause. It was an online group that I met these people. I stated my peace and removed myself from the group. There are quite a few out there like that. I've seen posts written by other aspies on elitism and being judgmental. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who has seen this sort of thing.
ReplyDeleteNo matter what, there always seem to be a small grouping of people that think they are "better" than others. I don't understand why...it just is. Very sad...