While finishing up yesterday's post I revealed something about myself that I had not given thought to. I revealed that I am actually avoiding eating during the day. For the past 4 years and longer, I've been in denial. My claim was that I "couldn't" eat during the day. It did not dawn on me that my behavior was that of someone who "wouldn't" eat during the day. I remember... There have been times that I felt that I could eat something, so I'd search around for the smallest morsel of food I could find. I'd even chuckle at myself when opening a bag of Lays potato chips because I actually could only eat just one.
Others have witnessed this too, but I paid them little mind. My son used to receive OT (occupational therapy) services. We loved our OT, he really knew how to work with my son and he's also a real stand up guy. One morning, just after finishing working with my son, the OT noticed that I was eating. He was surprised and stated so. He'd never seen me eat anything before and was glad to see me eating something...anything. I was nibbling on a cookie. It had one chocolate cookie and one vanilla cookie with vanilla cream in the center. I'd been nibbling on the cookie for just about an hour at that time. I never took actual bites, but nibbled clockwise around the cookie, slowly making it to the center. How odd that I could ignore behaviors like that. I did the same thing with carrots. Talk about living in an illusion. I would take anything and make it last 100 times longer than it should. One chip could lead to countless nibbles. By the time I finished nibbling the chip I would have convinced myself that I was satisfied. This is behavior associated with anorexia.
I want to be able to say that this epiphany feels great, but it doesn't. It hurts, but it's real and I need to recognized it. If I don't own it, I can't fix it.
Well, now I have an explanation for my difficulty in consuming more calories during the day. I've done very well with decreasing caloric intake at night. Almost too well. I don't want to take my recovery efforts to an extreme and end up on the other end of the eating spectrum. That would not be good. Yet another thing to combat.
Reality strikes again. This is going to be a good thing. I can see my eating during the day is not a matter of can't, but won't. I can eat more food during the day if I am willing. The will to eat will come as I continue working to love myself and be committed to myself. In my love and commitment to myself I will find the desire to devote myself to eating better during the day. Wow! There is so much connected to ones ability to love and be committed to oneself. Amazing!
I'm going to continue giving this epiphany thought. In the meantime, today I had my first meal around noon. I ate two scrambled eggs with chicken and a cup of water. Having water with meals only is not enough. I am going to make the effort to keep water near me throughout the day. If I don't, then I'm less inclined to drink.
I will slowly try increasing my food intake even if not hungry so I can get into the habit of eating during the day.
For a snack I will have a pack of crackers. I may even have a pack for my late night snack.
So many interesting discoveries! What I always find amazing, is how people actually become content in a behavior pattern, and never strive to find a better way. I'm not talking about having an unhealthy behavior that is buried deep in the subconscious where it remains...but meanness, anger issues, stubborn personality traits and blind ignorance are more what I'm thinking about. I have always loved the searching of the soul and inner self, there are so many connections...And there are so many people who could benefit from a good look in the inner mirror and they poo poo the whole idea. Dig deep and grow by leaps and bounds, it can be painful, to make the connections and find our truth..but so needed....Alyce.
ReplyDeleteI concur, Alyce. Looking into the inner mirror is painful, but necessary. I've looked into that mirror quite a few times. I've talked with friends about looking into their mirrors, but they're too afraid. It's very strange to watch people choose to stay in their misery. They are more comfortable in their misery which can last forever, than they are in facing their issues and dealing with a measure of pain for a shorter period of time. I wonder why people are so afraid of temporary pain. I don't think being a creature of habit serves humans well.
ReplyDeleteI suppose there is some form of instinct or natural desire to 'Not rock the boat'..No matter how miserable, like the saying, "The Devil you KNOW..." Must be that thing.
ReplyDeleteAh, that's one way of looking at it. I'd not heard of that saying before. How are you doing today? Correct me if I'm wrong, but your energy feel different today. I hope reading these posts aren't triggering bad feelings for you.
ReplyDeleteOh!! NEVER worry about a trigger in regards to me!! I have been on a soul quest since I was 5 years old, and became aware that I was 'Only 5 years old!' I've been picking my own brain for years and years...I am fine...Sometimes I may come on strong, and sometimes weak or fragile or just a dork...But I always LOVE the deep conversations, and I don't mind triggers, if they exist! My therapist actually told me to pay closer attention to the things that bother me or the things I don't like...She says those are wrapped around the very subjects that I need to have a closer look at..I found that concept very interesting and educational!...Alyce.
ReplyDeleteWonderful! I'm so glad. Then lets carry on...shall we. :-)
ReplyDelete