April 7, 2014

Hey there, just checking in with a quick note. I didn't post yesterday. Sometimes after breakthroughs or purging of thoughts, I need to take a mental break to fully process everything. It allows time for more memories and thoughts to come to the forefront. I liken it to emptying a large container of water. After a container is emptied, it takes a while to fill up again.


I hope you all are doing well. I'm still feeling empowered from my latest epiphany. My eating is a little better. Of course, it will take time for me to get where I want with my eating. The best part of this is the internal strength that I've gained, not giving in to the whims of my mind or the lies that it tells. I don't have to rely on cues to tell me when to eat. I have times. Time is much easier to focus on. Time does not operate out of emotional pain. Time will not tell me not to eat nor make me feel guilty when I do or don't. Time is just time and nothing else. Whew, a mighty weight has been lifted.


Yesterday I ate breakfast around 11:30am or so. I had two packs of peanut butter crackers. I ate two because I want get used to the idea of eating more and since I'm already comfortable with the crackers it was less offensive to just get another pack as opposed to eating another food. Lunch was a little late, just after 3:30pm. I ate two scrambled eggs, no toast and water. We had company yesterday evening and decided to go out for Chinese food. I ate chicken mei fen, which is super thin rice noodles served with chicken, eggs and onion. It was delicious. I shared some with one of my guests and ate the rest. I also ordered two spring rolls which were lettuce and imitation crab meat rolled up in a rice wrap. I usually go for the fried stuff, but aimed for healthier this time. I knew the mei fen would not hold me all night, so I ate the spring rolls for my late night snack. They were very light and satisfying.


Funny, how I have to trick myself into doing little things to encourage healthy change. I don't particularly like the idea of tricking myself, but I'm at war. An internal war is going on inside my head. That old familiar part of my mind that has mastered avoiding food is as war with the new and healthier part of my mind that wants to adhere to the scheduled eating times. In the morning, when I first think of eating breakfast, my old mind jumps right in and focuses on something else that has nothing to do with eating. In the past, I could go on for hours before thinking of eating again. My new mind kicks in much earlier. So now, when I find myself busy doing other things rather than focusing on eating my new mind cues in and reminds me that I have a set eating time that I need to maintain. Even if I'm off an hour or so, when I think about my eating schedule I immediately get up and get something to eat. No more hesitation at that point like it is with my old mind. This is a bit of a miracle. That's why I can say I definitely love the new strength that I've gained over the past few days.


I'm still taking baby steps, but my steps don't feel so shaky now.


Today I ate breakfast around 11:30 again. I had two packs of peanut butter crackers and water. I didn't eat lunch because I was busy getting ready for my therapy session. This is not an excuse, just a fact. My appointment was at 3:30 which is a common eating time for me. I thought about eating another pack of crackers, but the thought soon left my mind as I turned my attention to what I wanted to take to my session. I'll have to come up with a better plan on days when I have appointments. I won't have extra things to keep me busy tomorrow. It will be the normal schedule. I think I will do much better then. Dinner was shortly after 5pm. I stopped at McDonald's and bought a fish sandwich with fries, no drink and a meal for my son. I can't really say why I didn't want a drink with my meal. Still haven't figured that out yet. I've always purchased a drink with my meal. It's a treat to have something surgery because I usually drink water. Today, I preferred just having water. I'll consider this another good change. Perhaps one day I'll be able to eliminate the meal all together making it a monthly treat instead of a weekly treat.


As I work on changing my eating daytime eating habits, I must keep in mind to fill myself with healthy calories instead of junk. When I make healthy food choices I crave less high carb, high fat foods. My body actually loves healthy foods, especially vegetables, it's my mind that wants the other stuff.


Well, my break  is over. I have many more thoughts to purge. I'll definitely post again tomorrow. Take care and have a peaceful night or day wherever you are. Remember to work on being good to yourselves. Love yourselves and if that's too hard try liking yourself. Baby steps.


We'll get through this together.