Behavior and Emotional Patterns - April 27, 2014

 
I can't get yesterday's post out of my head. I keep thinking about all of the negative encounters I've had over the years, encounters that never really registered with me in my conscious mind. My conscious mind was always hyper focused on my parents and male members of my family. They too were a threat. There was always the threat if being exposed to illicit behavior. I don't know what it is like for boys, the way things are I would image it's equally as bad for boys as it is for girls. There is little safety from predators whether they are known or not.


There are so many negatives around us that we see as normal, but they are not or at least they should not be the norm. There was a post on face book a few weeks ago. It was a picture of a beautiful woman and a caption. The caption talked about how girls are almost never exposed to women having a positive self-image. No truer words have been said. When I think about the adult women in my childhood, there was never talk of being happy with any part of their body. Something was always wrong. If those women had access and resources to fix everything that they thought wrong with them, they would have ended up being completely different women. Their negative self-image was also reflected on me and my weight gain. Never mind, what the root cause of my weight gain was...lets point out everything that is wrong with this little girl. How many times have I heard, "You have such a pretty face, if only you could lose weight."


Negativity can come from any and all sources. I have had friendships where we did nothing other than smoke cigarettes, drink pepsi and talk about all the terrible things that happened in our lives. We did this daily. There are countless aunts and cousins that took great pride in telling me what all they thought was wrong with me and my personal style. Then there's my cousin, who was my best friend. I talked about her in yesterday's post. Why am I bringing this up? Because we...and I'm really preaching to myself right now...need to be aware of the negativity that we absorb or have absorbed on a daily basis. Being aware of this will help to identify many roots to our own behaviors and thought patterns.


There is something to be said about being raised in an environment where one feels wanted, loved, safe and nurtured. I personally don't know what it's like to be raised in this sort of environment, but my son does. When I look at him I see so many similarities and yet so many differences. Our similarities are linked by general behaviors and some character traits. Our differences are more noticeable; when my child simply moving about the house, I see that he has a sense of belonging, even a since of ownership in his movements. I did not have this level of comfort in my childhood home. The home belonged to my parents. I was a dweller, not an owner of anything. My son moves through the house with such certainty. He feels comfortable in his own skin and participates in life without judgment. He knows there are consequences for wrong behaviors, but it's not the end of the world. We will talk and if necessary a restriction may be applied. Despite a punishment being in place he knows that he is loved and he continues to move through life fearlessly. I still weep when I think about it. Why couldn’t I have had a life like that? I don't know if these are things one would typically notice, but do try noticing your child's natural behaviors. Think about your own natural behaviors when you were their age. Are there similarities? Take note of the differences and similarities in your life structure and the life structure of your children. Life structures create patterns. Patterns can sometimes repeat themselves and patterns can be broken.


With young children, patterns are evident. Nothing is hidden even if we think it is. Patterns are part of our natural behavior. Teens are different. It's best to capture their patterns when they are unaware of you watching. Teens tend to be extremely self-conscious and shy. I get that. It's an awkward stage and sometimes they don't want to be noticed. That's typical. My son hates when I video record him doing tasks. It's unfortunate. I'm so proud of his accomplishments and want to share them with the world. Perhaps he will become a little less self -conscious with age.


The reason I am bringing up the subject of patterns is because our patterns play a huge roll in how we learn to see ourselves and how we relate to ourselves and others. We must know the structure of our problems in order to break the structure down and dissolve or resolve it. Emotional patterns can heavily influence our relationship with people, food, alcohol, sex or anything used to self sooth or self-medicate. It's all connected. Finding our way to a healthier view on life and lifestyle is like playing connect the dots. There is a starting point and a pattern develops. It's often not recognized until things come full circle and the picture is revealed.


If we examine our earliest memories conscious and otherwise, we begin to see how our patters develop. In other words, if we are surrounded by negativity, unfortunate occurrences, abuse and the like or surrounded by all things positive, our behavioral and thought patterns will reveal whatever it is we've been exposed to. It's not possible to hide a negative past forever, even if we work diligently to do so. The patterns are too deeply embedded and they will rear their ugly heads in one form or another. My past loaned itself to a lifetime of negative self-images and hurtful behaviors. I'd become an expert at hurting myself and being in complete denial about it. This pattern is identical to the behaviors my parents had. They hurt me and each other and remained in complete denial about it. See what I mean? We do not own our negative behaviors we've learned and borrowed them from past experiences.


One thing that has helped me tremendously is to recognize where the blame lies.


I am not to blame for the things that my parents chose to do and say to me.


I know it's hard for some of us to believe that we are not to blame. It's hard when we’re constantly being told that we are to blame. I've been told on many occasions that the bad things happening in my family were my fault. I mean, my goodness, if a pet died, it was my fault.  My parents blamed me for everything. If my mom got sick it was my fault. If I almost pass out from an Asthma attack it was my fault. If something was stolen from me it was my fault and so on. Even if I was wrongfully beaten it was still my fault because I would have more than likely done something to earn that beating later on. Do you see how damaging that can be? I am thankful that I had the ability to see beyond their lies. It saved my life on some levels.


Remember the one who told you it was your fault is most likely the one who hurt you. If another adult said such words to you, it may be because they did not know everything you were going through. Nonetheless, those words are lies. It was not nor has it ever been your fault. 


I may talk more about negativity being a disease, how it's like a cancer that spreads and can completely engulf you. Yes, I do think I will revisit this subject. For now, I'm going to get myself some lunch. Breakfast was 11am. I had eggs with cheese and leftover veggies and a cup of water. For lunch I will have hummus and pita bread. Dinner is still undecided.