A Year of Courage - April 4, 2014

WARNING: This post may trigger sensitive readers.


As I anticipated the good to come in the new year, I was struck by an aggressive attack of Dermatitis, more commonly known as Eczema. It quickly covered about 70% of my body including my scalp. My hair started falling. Everyday more hair lost. I didn't lose it all. What I did lose was significant. I was beyond mortified and heartbroken. Everyday I'd stare into the mirror wondering if I'd lose more hair. Sometimes hair would fall to floor where I stood. I started thinking God or maybe some evil force was punishing me. For what? It didn't matter. I must have done something awfully wrong for this to happen out of the blue...right? That's what it felt like. Could I have been punished because I was beginning to see myself as pretty?


As a young child, even into adulthood I was not allowed to feel pretty or think I was pretty. People would often complement me. Dad discouraged the compliments. He'd say it would only go to my head, but he didn't mind if men thought I was pretty, as long as they were willing to pay.


I've had patches of eczema most of my life. The rash developed when I was a toddler. My mom used laundry detergent in my bath water. Tide laundry detergent to be exact. Don't ask... I don't know why regular soap was not sufficient for bathing, according to her. Perhaps she liked the rich, thick lather laundry detergent produced. There couldn't have been any thought to the almost certain harm laundry detergent could do to young skin...could there? She did apologize and gave me bar soap for bathing instead. My skin has never been the same.


I've always struggled to see something good about myself. Never pinpointing beauty per say, but I did have some interesting attributes. I had a nice smile, pretty eyes (if enough mascara was applied) and numerous cool hair styles. That's about it. Oh, and I was told that I had a nice walk. I let my nails grow and wore my clothes tight in an attempt to display curves as my college counterparts did. Weight issues were still prominent, but I carried my weigh well or so I was told. Customers at our store or even family members would say, "You're still heavy, but you carry it well," or "You’re such a pretty girl. If only you'd lose a little weight.  No matter how 'well' I carried my weight it was still not good enough for my parents. I was just under the bar of having an acceptable exterior. As a matter of fact, according to my parents, being heavy or fat was cause for my having to work harder to make friends. Hmm, and to think all this time I thought it was my general misunderstanding of social behaviors and oddball quirkiness. Oh well, nothing about me would ever be good enough for them.


Last year I felt pretty. I'd grown my hair for 8 years, it's getting pretty long and healthier than ever. My skin was clearing nicely and my face glowed. I'd already started losing weight a few years ago and felt that I was on a clear path for success. There are a couple health concerns, but nothing unmanageable. Still not willing to date, but starting to appreciate the occasional stare accompanied by a smile. It was at this point everything changed.


My hair is growing back. I've made peace with the loss. I fear seeing myself as pretty again. It's gonna take time to get over this last episode before I can do that. My skin is starting to clear a little, even though I’m having trouble keeping up my regimen. Don't worry, I'm working on it.


I am thankful that I've gained the courage to look in a mirror and deal with what I see. I have gained the courage to face some of my fears. I have gained the courage to have more than hope for my future, but to actively do something about it. I have gained the courage to be completely honest with myself even when it hurts. And I’ve gained the courage to tell my story no matter how it sounds.


Courage


The ability to fight one's own instinct to run or cower by focusing on a larger deed that must be done for the greater good. - Urban Dictionary


Today I had breakfast at 10:37am. I ate two packs of cheese crackers. For lunch at 2:30 I ate 2 scrambled eggs with toast and water. For dinner I made a skillet dish with ground turkey, pasta and tomato sauce. I did not have a late night snack last night nor did I have a snack this afternoon.


My eating schedule is as follows:


Breakfast between 10am-11am


Lunch between 2pm-3pm


Dinner between 6:30pm-7:30pm


Many thanks to my lovelies for calling in reminders to eat.