Thursday, April 3, 2014
1...2...3 Swallow - April 3, 2014
Having a new found understanding of my unwillingness to eat sufficiently during the day has given me cause to change my game plan. Up until now, my focus was on eating a little something 3 times a day if possible. On rare occasions I may also include a daytime snack. Those efforts have fizzled for me again. I'm not worried about this. As I've stated before, beating myself up about short comings is fruitless and leads to forbidden paths. It's better to work on maintaining a healthy outlook on the progress I'm making:
1. I am making efforts daily to have a healthier relationship with food.
2. Even though it's difficult, I do consciously eat something everyday, even if it's a small amount.
3. I am not craving night feeds and sweets are almost out of my diet. This is huge!!
4. I continue to fight off denial by being completely honest with myself in that which I am aware.
5. I have assessed my discomfort, a desire to change, purpose of self discover and need for commitment. Not only have I processed these issues in my mind, I'm actively working on them as well.
6. As I purge my thoughts, memories emerge.
7. I am able to identify some of the root beginnings to my problems.
8. I remain patient with myself in moments of self-doubt.
9. I remain humbled by this process and the encouraging comments that I've received so far.
10. I am slowly peeling back the layers revealing a way inside.
11. I have embraced the truth about my not being fully committed to myself in the healing process and making strides to change.
12. In the midst of discomfort associated with embracing myself, I am managing to find ways to show myself love.
To my friend who faithfully comments on my posts. No, I did not realize how well I've been doing until you brought it to the surface. I was feeling as though I were sinking, not drowning, but wondering which way to go from here. Thank you for pointing out the stages of my progress.
1...2...3 swallow. I chew my food thoroughly and then I swallow. There was no joy in eating today. Just the mechanics of chewing and swallowing, sensation of being full...finished. I don't expect to enjoy eating every time. I'm grateful for the times I am able to enjoy meals. It's not often, but that's okay. I'm going to have to tough this out. If going through the motions is what it takes for me to get over this hurdle...so be it. I asked myself if what I've been doing is working for me. No, it isn't. If something doesn't work...leave it…time for a change of plan. Instead of waiting for or provoking physical cues, I am setting a scheduled time to eat. No room for excuses...just eat. At this point it does not matter how much I eat, only that I become accustomed to eating on a schedule. Once I'm able to get my mind to accept the schedule, then I will work on slowly increasing my intake. I believe it will be easier to adhere to a time as opposed to a sensation.
This morning was stressful, but I did manage to eat a pack of cheese crackers for breakfast. Lunch was around 1pm. I had a fish sandwich, fries and an orange drink. I thought about ordering one of those little baked pies, but quickly dismissed the thought. No need for extras. For dinner I had 3 scrambled eggs with cheese, chicken and toast. I ate dinner around 7:30pm, still wasn't hungry, but ate anyway.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
As an interesting side note, I made fish sandwiches for lunch yesterday, just had to point that out. As I read this post, I got to thinking about how many times I eat really fast, like to get it over with-it really makes no difference if I like the food or not. As a matter of fact, I have never liked the process of going to a restaurant to 'visit' over food. I don't understand the pleasure of lingering at a table and trying to make small talk, after the food is gone, and I really want to be done, so I eat really fast. I think I will 'peel the onion' a bit on this, I know there is a wealth of helpful info in that area, I can feel it...Alyce.
ReplyDeleteLOL Alyce, we do move in parallel paths at times. Yes, I think eating fast and eating without thought is what gets us through the meal process. I enjoy fellowshipping with friends, it does not matter if food is involved or not, I focus on the people and interactions. Food is always secondary.
ReplyDeleteI have experienced eating and enjoying the food on occasion. It's feels good and bad at the same time. To slow down and enjoy the smell, taste, look of food seems to be a good thing until enjoyment translates into possible weight gain. It's hard. There's a very thin line between overeating and starvation. I am balancing on the fear of gaining more weight and the comfort of control during the day while fighting the threat of uncontrollable binging at night. Very interesting position to be in.
Yes, I like the way you put that..'The thin line between overeating and starvation', (because to step over the mid-line, could be 'just one more bite') Most people would argue that the sentence makes no sense- unless they ever suffered an eating disorder...it's the part of the sentence that theoretically makes ne sense where my mind always lives- and constantly battles to free it's self from the ill-logical thought between the two extremes..starvation vs overeating....Alyce.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking about posting a blog about this thought. Another thing that I like...no, love about myself is my ability to think. I love thinking. Thinking is like breathing. Thinking is life.
ReplyDelete